I was 16 when my parents split up, so my dad only had about 18 months of CS to pay. It was a pretty small amount, less than $300 (late 80's.) It was an automatic transfer to the account he and my mom shared.
Ok, so now I'm 19, living on my own and struggling with bills as 19 year olds do. I mentioned once to him that money was tight and I was contemplating a 3rd PT job, and he asked why his monthly contribution wasn't helping. He'd continued to pay that amount every month and I had no idea. I asked my mom about it, and she said she kept it because she deserved it. I think she did get a year of alimony, but she felt entitled to this extra money. It started a huge fight when I told her the money was always meant for me, and I'd like access to it now. She held that grudge for years; much longer than the payments lasted.
That's crazy
I feel like that's fraud since you weren't even living with her.
Being a stepmom is such a difficult parenting role (I say as a stepmom, biomom and stepdaughter). You don’t deserve to get flamed. This is the first time you’ve had a kid turn 18 and graduate high school so it’s a great time to sit down with your husband and talk about what you are willing to do for all of your kids when they are young adults. It’s great to have everything be equal but sometimes you have to respond to individual needs.
I like the area of creating a savings account for them that they don’t know about, that you can dip into as needed and gift large chunks at certain milestones. If you feel like you can bankroll things as they come up, then you don’t need to do that and it makes more financial sense to put the extra money in 529s for the compound interest. I’d split the money between savings, paying down debt and something fun. FWIW my stepson is 23 and chose to go to community college, live with a relative in another state for free and work, so he has not required much support past 18. We invite him on family vacations and pay, tell him he can visit anytime and we’ll buy the plane ticket, but since he’s busy and has limited vacation time it’s not as often as we’d like. We get him gifts for Christmas / bday and always throw in a bunch of extra cash. We ask him if he needs anything but he never asks us for money.
I try to do something big for every decade bday so I think you should take a trip no matter what.
I agree glitzy07 has had really thoughtful responses and it was not my intention to flame. I don't remember everyone's post history and child support arrangements, so I was just responding to the OG post about using the money for a vacation or as a windfall, which did not indicate they had half custody, unless I'm totally missing something, in which case I apologize! Everyone's experiences with support from their parents, bio and otherwise, is different but I do think it's important to be fair and if this is the first child out of the house to think about what they plan to do with the other kids.
Eh, I read this the same way I would read someone who thinks they are set for a windfall when daycare ends. I think you should save some for all your kids futures but also save a little for a vacation for yourselves.
Eh, I read this the same way I would read someone who thinks they are set for a windfall when daycare ends. I think you should save some for all your kids futures but also save a little for a vacation for yourselves.
I was going to say the same thing. It’s not like your financial obligation to kids end when daycare is up but you can plan how to spend that money differently.
OP handled this gracefully. I would suggest you have a few pots: travel, debt, kid. Enjoy your extra money!
Put half in a savings account for SS and half in a vacation account for your and DH. You are already supporting him in other ways, which is wonderful! If in a year or two he doesn't need the money, either keep it for a "big event" like his wedding or first house or put it in your vacation fund. Either way is FINE.
That money has been inaccessible for years, so it is a windfall. They support him when he's in their house, and I'm sure go above and beyond. It sounds like no one is accounting for the 50% they've spent financing his childhood at their home, and how that money is still part of their budget lifestyle.
If his preference is to live with his mother while he begins trade school, can she afford her current home without that $700? If not, maybe help subsidize by way of paying some rent for him to live there, if it's going to be full time? Until there's been a transition of sorts?If she's financially stable, sock that money in savings and splurge on a vacation when you're ready.
I'm a single mom and it doesn't bug me at all and I'm the only adult supporting my child.
They're already spending to support the child in question, and have indicated there is no intention on throwing him to the wolves now that the child is turning 18. They are simply discussing what they can do now that they don't have THIS particular line item in their budget.
If they're already paying all their bills, putting money into savings, paying for the needs of ALL of their children and have low debt, acknowleding that no longer having a court ordered child support obligation is in fact somewhat of a windfall is not really anything huge.
CurlyQ284 , at the risk of sounding crazy, I've thought about you often as I'm newly navigating the step-parent thing. You always seemed to handle things with grace, even when they were hard.
Omg it was really hard, thank you so much for saying this, I'm tearing up! When I first started out, I was treating them like my own because that's what I thought was right (and I was 20 years old when I met them which is INSANE looking back) I had no clue what I was doing, nobody wanted my interference on things even though they were saying I should be an equal parent, through actions they did not mean it. It took me a long time to figure that out, and then when we were finally able to move local to them, things really boiled over since they were with us more. H and I fought A LOT and I just took a backseat role. I love them like they are my own, I truly do but decision wise I just had to accept that everyone just needs me to be a passenger, not the driver. I was really scared that they weren't going to turn out ok, their mom is...messy. H is super permissive and being the non custodial parent would often have a "what can I do about it" attitude. But they turned out REALLY awesome, and they put me as their emergency contact on everything and when something goes wrong, I'm the person they come to so I feel really proud of how it all turned out in the end ❤️
ETA and now having DS I get where they are coming from, if I remarried I would be super territorial over DS especially with his ADHD/ODD. So I get it now! I just didn't get it as a 20something!
Dude, you walked through the valley of the shadow of misery for years. I remember your posts. You did some HARD work and some HARD years navigating life with *waves around* all those kids. I'm so thrilled for you that you're coming out on the other side now :-)
I feel like step parents are always walking on eggshells.
There are great step parents out there!
I want to echo that being a stepparent is really difficult. The hardest job that I’ve ever had. And at times, I’ve definitely felt like walking on eggshells on this board. I’ve commented that the hardest part of step parenting for me is bio mom (and that’s true!) but I got negative comments for that. Another poster commented that she was disappointed that her SK didn’t wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. She got many comments about “think of the children.”
Honestly OP I would have left the child support bit out of the OP to get real answers regarding what to do with an extra $700 a month.
Can you imagine how differently this would have gone if someone had posted something similar but not a step kid? (My 18 year old will be graduating high school this summer and we won’t be paying the $700/month we’ve been spending on this or that educational therapy or sport. What should we do with the windfall?)
Sure, someone might point out there are expenses past 18 and FAFSA will expect thd will contribute to any college fund. But not this pile on.
Post by litskispeciality on Feb 8, 2024 15:10:29 GMT -5
sonrisa, I should stay out of it as a non-parent, but I'd side eye a post where the father made a comment " I'm going to have a windfall of $X on kid's 18/21st birthday because I no longer have to pay CS", and assume the mother/other parent was frustrated at their joy, so I can see why a mother may have some feelings.
I'm not mad at OP. I saw that OP still plans to pay and care for, be in the child's life for the rest of their life. I was happy to see OP so supportive of post-secondary education as that's easily a ball that can be tossed to the primary parent, especially if either parent doesn't feel something like trade school for example is worth the money (spoiler alert: it is)
Again working in higher ed and hearing the nightmare stories of parents trying to rush their kids through early graduation so they can stop CS payments is clouding my view.
sonrisa , I should stay out of it as a non-parent, but I'd side eye a post where the father made a comment " I'm going to have a windfall of $X on kid's 18/21st birthday because I no longer have to pay CS", and assume the mother/other parent was frustrated at their joy, so I can see why a mother may have some feelings.
I'm not mad at OP. I saw that OP still plans to pay and care for, be in the child's life for the rest of their life. I was happy to see OP so supportive of post-secondary education as that's easily a ball that can be tossed to the primary parent, especially if either parent doesn't feel something like trade school for example is worth the money (spoiler alert: it is)
Again working in higher ed and hearing the nightmare stories of parents trying to rush their kids through early graduation so they can stop CS payments is clouding my view.
My dad was definitely excited he didn’t have to pay child support anymore! The piece people are not taking into account, and I know it’s not true in every case, is that involved dad’s are still paying for other stuff along WITH child support!
My dad carried my health insurance until I turned 25, or whatever the age is, he helped with college, bills, etc. Just b/c they aren’t paying the mom child support does not mean they are not supporting the child.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus
sonrisa , I should stay out of it as a non-parent, but I'd side eye a post where the father made a comment " I'm going to have a windfall of $X on kid's 18/21st birthday because I no longer have to pay CS", and assume the mother/other parent was frustrated at their joy, so I can see why a mother may have some feelings.
I'm not mad at OP. I saw that OP still plans to pay and care for, be in the child's life for the rest of their life. I was happy to see OP so supportive of post-secondary education as that's easily a ball that can be tossed to the primary parent, especially if either parent doesn't feel something like trade school for example is worth the money (spoiler alert: it is)
Again working in higher ed and hearing the nightmare stories of parents trying to rush their kids through early graduation so they can stop CS payments is clouding my view.
My dad was definitely excited he didn’t have to pay child support anymore! The piece people are not taking into account, and I know it’s not true in every case, is that involved dad’s are still paying for other stuff along WITH child support!
My dad carried my health insurance until I turned 25, or whatever the age is, he helped with college, bills, etc. Just b/c they aren’t paying the mom child support does not mean they are not supporting the child.
Yes, I got that from OP. That's why I asked if they were aware of things like continuing to pay for health insurance and other things the day after the 18th birthday (not that literally). I understand there's more going on with certain poster history, but step parenting and even parenting in general seems so difficult grace should be given to all views.
My dad was definitely excited he didn’t have to pay child support anymore! The piece people are not taking into account, and I know it’s not true in every case, is that involved dad’s are still paying for other stuff along WITH child support!
My dad carried my health insurance until I turned 25, or whatever the age is, he helped with college, bills, etc. Just b/c they aren’t paying the mom child support does not mean they are not supporting the child.
Yes, I got that from OP. That's why I asked if they were aware of things like continuing to pay for health insurance and other things the day after the 18th birthday (not that literally). I understand there's more going on with certain poster history, but step parenting and even parenting in general seems so difficult grace should be given to all views.
Ok douche, go ahead and call it mud. My husband DID have halitosis. We addressed it after I talked to you girls on here and guess what? Years later, no problem. Mofongo, you're a cunt. Eat shit. ~anonnamus