$ WWYD

[glitzy07]

My step-son turns 18 in a couple months and is graduating from high school in May, which means that my husband's child support responsibilities end after May. Our monthly budget is going to go up ~$700/month when this happens. 

I'm struggling with thinking through how we'll use this "windfall" when it happens, and I'd love to know what you would do in your family if you came into this kind of extra $ each month.

Some background about our specific circumstances:
- When we were younger and all of our childless friends were vacationing and going out with their disposable income, we couldn't afford to do so in part because of the child support amount. It's 100% money that my husband and I know needed to go to his son, so that's not the issue, but because of this I want to prioritize some of this new found money towards fun since we couldn't back then.
- We have two other children
- Our only debt is a mortgage and auto loans
- We use YNAB and try to utilize sinking funds as much as possible for things that happen annually: kids sports, Christmas, etc
- My husband is way better at prioritizing the fun and I'm way better at prioritizing the practical

So, WWYD?

Some ideas I'm kicking around:
- 1/2 monthly towards fun stuff (travel fund, or something else that my H and I agree on) and then 1/2 towards practical (increasing 529s for the other kids, paying down the auto loans, increasing sinking funds for house stuff)
- 1/2 towards savings (general, sinking funds) and splitting the other half towards fun/debt
- Saying fuck it and putting it all in the travel fun to run away to a glorious vacation for my 40th birthday next year, my husband's wishes be damned. lol

[wise_rita]

Is this kid going away to college (tech school, whatever)?

Isn't a portion of that former child support going to continue to support his son as he launches into adulthood?

But to your question, the answer is if course travel with it. Personally I'd do one big trip first, then split it into practical savings and fun, 50/50.

[jennistarr1]

a few thoughts

assuming your auto loan are a decent APR, no need to pay those down

Do you have a savings?
When it gets to the end of a pay period, do you have some leftover or are you delaying things until you get paid?

I think mainly you should put it towards savings almost exclusively, and then save towards things that you decide on like home repairs, vacations etc.

One last question, do you still support step son in other ways. Like do you pay for school, sports, activities, clothing, food on top of the 700. I'm asking because is that already worked into your budget or will the 700 need to be somehow allocated to ward him, but less formally?

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 13:18:07 GMT -5 wise_rita said:

Is this kid going away to college (tech school, whatever)?

Isn't a portion of that former child support going to continue to support his son as he launches into adulthood?

But to your question, the answer is if course travel with it. Personally I'd do one big trip first, then split it into practical savings and fun, 50/50.

As of now his plan is to go to some sort of trade school, but nothing has been finalized. We have some in a 529 for him and his mom has been putting away some of the child support money for a while to give to him for school as well. He has a full time job lined up for the summer and will continue to live with his mom. While I'm sure we'll still be supporting him financially in some ways, it won't be at the same level as it has been.

[sparkythelawyer]

If your current budget is allowing you to maintain your life, stay in your budget, etc., then I'd take this 700, stick it in a savings vehicle, then save it towards a sweet vacation fund. You're allowed to budget fun too :-)

[klee23]

I am probably going to come off as a stick in the mud and my perspective is different than yours since I haven't walked in your shoes. What are your SS's plans following high school? Even though you and your spouse are no longer legally responsible for child support are your going to contribute anything towards college expenses or establishing an apartment if he moves out of his mom's home? I know he's an adult but I imagine you will still support your other children beyond turning 18.

That being said, I would earmark some of the $700 and set aside for SS (say $200-250)- not give to his mother but having it for a rainy day when he'son his own and needs it. And then split the remaining $500 between a fun vacation and paying down debt/increasing 529s.

[lust2hart]

I'm debt averse, so I would put it all toward paying off the car loans as quickly as possible. Then I'd use the $700/month PLUS whatever the car loan payment was to add to 529s and have fun.

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 13:18:46 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

a few thoughts

assuming your auto loan are a decent APR, no need to pay those down

Do you have a savings?
When it gets to the end of a pay period, do you have some leftover or are you delaying things until you get paid?

I think mainly you should put it towards savings almost exclusively, and then save towards things that you decide on like home repairs, vacations etc.

One last question, do you still support step son in other ways. Like do you pay for school, sports, activities, clothing, food on top of the 700. I'm asking because is that already worked into your budget or will the 700 need to be somehow allocated to ward him, but less formally?

We do have savings. In an emergency fund we have one full month of take home pay, which covers all of our monthly expenses along with monthly savings goals and sinking funds. Along with the emergency fund of that amount, we have the balance of sinking funds for things like home and auto maintenance, insurance deductibles, travel, Christmas, kid's sports, summer daycare, etc. 

Outside of daycare we were covering our half of any of his medical expenses, and clothing/food etc when he is with us. Over the last few years that hasn't been often because of school, his job, friends. But those things are all kind of built into our family budget already and aren't necessarily extra but part of our family clothing/food budgets.

[quesyrah]

Feb 7, 2024 13:23:49 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I'm debt averse, so I would put it all toward paying off the car loans as quickly as possible. Then I'd use the $700/month PLUS whatever the car loan payment was to add to 529s and have fun.

This is what I would do too. Plus then being out of debt frees up even more money in your budget

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 13:23:29 GMT -5 klee23 said:

I am probably going to come off as a stick in the mud and my perspective is different than yours since I haven't walked in your shoes. What are your SS's plans following high school? Even though you and your spouse are no longer legally responsible for child support are your going to contribute anything towards college expenses or establishing an apartment if he moves out of his mom's home? I know he's an adult but I imagine you will still support your other children beyond turning 18.

That being said, I would earmark some of the $700 and set aside for SS (say $200-250)- not give to his mother but having it for a rainy day when he'son his own and needs it. And then split the remaining $500 between a fun vacation and paying down debt/increasing 529s.

This is absolutely fair and not a stick in the mud at all. I hadn't thought through it this way, but yes, we will absolutely continue to support him in certain ways as he is striking out on his own. I think my husband and I probably need to talk further about what that looks like, but I do like the idea of putting some aside specifically for that. Or maybe shifting our monthly 529 contributions to this instead of taking it from this money specifically? Thanks for this perspective!

[litskispeciality]

Non-parent so grain of salt ahead...

Have you double checked if child support extends if he goes to a trade program, traditional college, or any type of schooling beyond grade 12? I've heard from friends that have kids, as well as working in Higher Ed and hearing nightmare stories of parents who don't want to pay (ugh) that CS can extend beyond age 18, however that may be state specific. I believe my state also extends health insurance if the child is 18 - 24(?) if they're in school (maybe not even in school?) so just double check if those expenses will still carry over later this year and beyond.

Beyond that I agree with lust2hart, to pay down as much debt as I can as long as it makes financial sense. Look at the cost of putting the money in to the loan now vs. how long it will take you to save that money back if the loan was paid off quicker than the current pay-off date.

I'm also leaning toward putting X% toward the autoloan and maybe mortgage, then the remaining money in highest earning savings you can get with a goal of a nice vacation or home improvement, whatever you and your H find to be the best use of the money. I'd still dog ear some money for the child as mentioned above as it's not like they'll just stop having bills (which you know).

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 13:39:11 GMT -5 litskispeciality said:

Non-parent so grain of salt ahead...

Have you double checked if child support extends if he goes to a trade program, traditional college, or any type of schooling beyond grade 12? I've heard from friends that have kids, as well as working in Higher Ed and hearing nightmare stories of parents who don't want to pay (ugh) that CS can extend beyond age 18, however that may be state specific. I believe my state also extends health insurance if the child is 18 - 24(?) if they're in school (maybe not even in school?) so just double check if those expenses will still carry over later this year and beyond.

Beyond that I agree with lust2hart , to pay down as much debt as I can as long as it makes financial sense. Look at the cost of putting the money in to the loan now vs. how long it will take you to save that money back if the loan was paid off quicker than the current pay-off date.

I'm also leaning toward putting X% toward the autoloan and maybe mortgage, then the remaining money in highest earning savings you can get with a goal of a nice vacation or home improvement, whatever you and your H find to be the best use of the money. I'd still dog ear some money for the child as mentioned above as it's not like they'll just stop having bills (which you know).

I wondered the same and I actually just recently looked back at H's custody and child support agreement and in our particular case, the support is mandated through the end of high school only. That said, I do expect we'll continue to cover our share of medical expenses for the forseeable future, which I save for in an HSA. 

I like the idea of setting aside a smaller amount into a line item for SS and then figuring out how to use the rest.

[circa1978]

I have some...feelings that may not be entirely fair about this as someone whose stepfather supported me financially well past that point, but it just feels weird to me to think about this as a windfall when IMO 18 is still very young and not capable of supporting himself.


I trust that you know for sure when the obligation ends but my bio dad (who didn't bother actually keeping up his child support payments and died before this time) was legally obligated to pay them until I was 21/out of school. I also guess I'd consider what you plan to do for your biological children after they turn 18. Will it be no support for anyone? Even though the legal obligation of support may no longer be there, I'd plan to treat him the same way you do your other kids.

[livinitup]

With a budget with that much flexibility, I would continue the same and park the entire $700/month into a savings account for one year. Then, I would look at the $8400 and decide what to do with it. I like to spend money once I have it in hand and move 529 money in bigger chunks.

If you have the travel itch, totally go for that!

[campermom]

Can you imagine reading this as a single mom

[quesyrah]

Feb 7, 2024 14:19:42 GMT -5 campermom said:

Can you imagine reading this as a single mom

Or as the child?

[campermom]

Feb 7, 2024 14:20:43 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Feb 7, 2024 14:19:42 GMT -5 campermom said:

Can you imagine reading this as a single mom

Or as the child?

Well he won’t be a child anymore. At 18.

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 13:52:19 GMT -5 circa1978 said:

I have some...feelings that may not be entirely fair about this as someone whose stepfather supported me financially well past that point, but it just feels weird to me to think about this as a windfall when IMO 18 is still very young and not capable of supporting himself.


I trust that you know for sure when the obligation ends but my bio dad (who didn't bother actually keeping up his child support payments and died before this time) was legally obligated to pay them until I was 21/out of school. I also guess I'd consider what you plan to do for your biological children after they turn 18. Will it be no support for anyone? Even though the legal obligation of support may no longer be there, I'd plan to treat him the same way you do your other kids.

This is completely valid and I genuinely appreciate the feedback to help me reframe in my mind. Thank you.

As I said above, I think this also warrants some deeper conversations with my husband about how we'll continue to support our son beyond that point. He and I have very different money mindsets and very different experiences from our own childhoods. He was essentially on his own once he graduated because his mom couldn't afford to do much else and he got a full time job after one year of community college. Whereas my parents continued to support me in any manner of ways throughout young adulthood.

The "we're going to have a windfall come May" mindset originated from my husband and likely stems from his experiences and what he was used to. And because of his experiences, he tends to be a little more bootstrappy in his thinking than he'd probably care to admit when it comes to our kids.

Again, I truly appreciate the reframe because it will help me think through how we budget. Whether it's a line item dedicated to SS or bulking up savings or monthly categories with the knowledge that we'll continue to pull from those categories in different ways for him vs paying his mom monthly.

[quesyrah]

Feb 7, 2024 14:22:28 GMT -5 campermom said:

Feb 7, 2024 14:20:43 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Or as the child?

Well he won’t be a child anymore. At 18.

I didn’t mean a literal child.

But imagine how the step son would feel if he read this.

[lilac05]

I misread this at first and thought it was you having to adjust your budget down because you would no longer be getting $700/mo to help support one of your children because they were graduating. I know that’s not the situation, but it certainly clouds my response and reaction to the question. What would the responses look like if the tables were turned?

I know you’re just thinking out loud here and that you’re planning to have more of a conversation with your H. It’s hard to balance having a little more financial freedom without SS potentially feeling like you’re celebrating that he’s no longer a financial burden for you. You’ve been around long enough that I don’t believe that you actually think of him like that…but those relationships can be tough.

[rosiebear]

My child support obligation technically ended when both kids graduated from high school, but of course I continue to support them beyond what was legally required. For our family, what has worked is that I pay 1/3, their dad pays 1/3, and each kid pays 1/3 of their school, tuition and other expenses.

We have also helped out with unexpected things like a new tire, a car repair, or a “need” for a dress for graduation.

That’s not to say that your expenses won’t go down from what you’re paying now, but I would definitely temper my expectations as to how much more money you will have in your pockets each month.



ETA: only my daughter is still in school. Now that my son has a professional job and his own apartment, the only cash we throw his way is the occasional surprise treat. That said, he lived with us from his graduation in December until his apartment was ready in August, our grocery and water bills dropped significantly after he left!

[campermom]

Feb 7, 2024 14:24:21 GMT -5 quesyrah said:

Feb 7, 2024 14:22:28 GMT -5 campermom said:

Well he won’t be a child anymore. At 18.

I didn’t mean a literal child.

But imagine how the step son would feel if he read this.

exactly. It was sarcastic bc, like what 18 year old suddenly becomes cheaper to raise, and it’s not like an 18 year old can support themselves in this economy

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 14:25:51 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

I misread this at first and thought it was you having to adjust your budget down because you would no longer be getting $700/mo to help support one of your children because they were graduating. I know that’s not the situation, but it certainly clouds my response and reaction to the question. What would the responses look like if the tables were turned?

I know you’re just thinking out loud here and that you’re planning to have more of a conversation with your H. It’s hard to balance having a little more financial freedom without SS potentially feeling like you’re celebrating that he’s no longer a financial burden for you. You’ve been around long enough that I don’t believe that you actually think of him like that…but those relationships can be tough.

I appreciate the grace given here. I likely deserve the flaming.

It's no excuse, but I'm having an incredibly anxiety ridden week and one of my coping mechanisms is control. Budgeting feels like something I can control so I was working through how that may change in the future in my head, and wrote this post. I didn't mean to be insensitive and I'll take what I deserve. 

[Roc A Bee]

Feb 7, 2024 14:30:09 GMT -5 glitzy07 said:

Feb 7, 2024 14:25:51 GMT -5 lilac05 said:

I misread this at first and thought it was you having to adjust your budget down because you would no longer be getting $700/mo to help support one of your children because they were graduating. I know that’s not the situation, but it certainly clouds my response and reaction to the question. What would the responses look like if the tables were turned?

I know you’re just thinking out loud here and that you’re planning to have more of a conversation with your H. It’s hard to balance having a little more financial freedom without SS potentially feeling like you’re celebrating that he’s no longer a financial burden for you. You’ve been around long enough that I don’t believe that you actually think of him like that…but those relationships can be tough.

I appreciate the grace given here. I likely deserve the flaming.

It's no excuse, but I'm having an incredibly anxiety ridden week and one of my coping mechanisms is control. Budgeting feels like something I can control so I was working through how that may change in the future in my head, and wrote this post. I didn't mean to be insensitive and I'll take what I deserve. 

I don’t think you deserve a flaming. I didn’t see anything in your original post that was like “yay the kids is raised, bye!” I took it as you will support as needed but the $700 automatically being sent will end. I’d probably save $200 for other educational/life expenses for SS and save for travel the other $500.

For what it’s worth, we have 50/50 and no one pays child support. When DH had less custody he paid $500 a month. When that ended he moved that money into some debt repayment and then savings for when the kids need bigger stuff like a car.

[glitzy07]

Feb 7, 2024 14:19:42 GMT -5 campermom said:

Can you imagine reading this as a single mom

You're right. I deserve this reaction.

All I can do is apologize and say that I was speaking only about our certain circumstances with our son's mother without many many details over 18 years. I'm sorry. 

The only thing my husband ever wanted was to be a father to his son and to have him in his life as much as he possibly could. He fought hard for 50/50, not because he wanted to lower child support (it didn't), but because he wanted his son in his life. And then I went and grossly misrepresented him and us with this post and reduced the relationship to dollar signs.

Again, I deserve the flaming and I'll take my due. I'm sorry.

[BlondeSpiders]

Tangentially related anecdote:

I was 16 when my parents split up, so my dad only had about 18 months of CS to pay. It was a pretty small amount, less than $300 (late 80's.) It was an automatic transfer to the account he and my mom shared.

Ok, so now I'm 19, living on my own and struggling with bills as 19 year olds do. I mentioned once to him that money was tight and I was contemplating a 3rd PT job, and he asked why his monthly contribution wasn't helping. He'd continued to pay that amount every month and I had no idea. I asked my mom about it, and she said she kept it because she deserved it. I think she did get a year of alimony, but she felt entitled to this extra money. It started a huge fight when I told her the money was always meant for me, and I'd like access to it now. She held that grudge for years; much longer than the payments lasted.

[doctoranda]

I personally, would save it, most likely.

[wildrice]

Eh, I'm not a parent nor have I been a child in this situation, but reading your follow ups it sounds like you DO cover a bunch of stuff beyond the $700 payment and plan to continue to do so. It doesn't sound like your intent is just to cut him off or cut him out, but rather that you will be able to pick things you want to help him with vs being legally obligated to. That's kind of how it is for all parents, isn't it? My parents didn't send me a $700 check every month once I was an adult - they just helped out with what they could when they could.

As far as your actual question, I think I'd wait a bit and see how things go before really committing to anything - he may end up needing more support than you are expecting, and it would be nice to have that flexibility. I am guessing that if he's living with his mom and working, he's not going to need the same level of additional parental support that he did while he was a kid or a full time student. Maybe roughly budget half of that for his needs and half for your own goals? And then re-evaluate if he ends up needing more or less than that.

[vamoose]

I would open a new savings account and mentally earmark it for supporting SS and put the $700 per month there for at least a year. That will give you time to figure out what support looks like for him moving forward based on his plans and needs. It probably makes sense to have a conversation with him after his graduation and figure out how to support him in reaching g his goals.

Then if in a year or two, he isn’t needing much support, you’ll have extra saved for other uses.

ETA: Spending money to help get kids launched is worthwhile from both an emotional / relational angle and a practical / long term financial angle.

[dexteroni]

I don’t think the OP deserves the negative replies she’s getting. I’m sure they’ll continue to buy SS food and clothes and whatever else they already cover while he’s with them, and maybe more once his schooling and living situations change. They just don’t have to also send his mom $700 a month anymore. Do people commonly voluntarily continue to pay their exes child support once they don’t have to? Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I highly doubt it. glitzy07, you don’t have anything to apologize for.