Post by mrsslocombe on Feb 11, 2024 11:41:03 GMT -5
My H is an only child and had been taking care of his parents for years, until his mother died and his father moved to assisted living. He wasn’t the most patient, and didn’t have the best instincts in the beginning, but he learned. I have no doubt he would take good care of me if necessary.
Honestly the whole situation was just really eye-opening, because my FIL is completely helpless, due to learned incompetence. He never had to grocery shop, meal plan, cook, do laundry, manage finances. My MIL did all do that. And then my H had to take it over. Thank god he lived on his own for 10+ years and figured all that shit out, because I am not that wife.
Unfortunately H is 10 years older so it will most likely be me taking care of him. I hope we can afford help though, so that we can be a spouse and not just a nurse when it comes to that.
When I was in my early 30s, I had a kickass female boss in her late 50s—former army nurse who was now managing big health programs. She dated online and used the line about men her age only being interested in a nurse or a purse.
Boss had been a divorced single mother and worked really hard to save money, grow her career and take care of her mental and physical health. Meanwhile she was meeting men who had made poor financial decisions and/or had little savings. They wanted to date her because of her ability to support them comfortably in retirement.
The other category were men who had multiple chronic illnesses and who weren’t making any changes to diet/ lifestyle and were attracted to a nurse because they anticipated needing a caregiver in the near future. There were also men with depression/ PTSD/ alcoholism who refused to go to therapy or take meds and thought a partner would be able to solve all these issues without any effort on their part.
The caregiver thing becomes problematic when one person knows they will need significantly more caregiving then the other person in the near future and that’s the only/ main motivation for getting into a relationship. Our generation is maybe less co-dependent than prior ones and it’s more acceptable to choose to be single.
Honestly he’d be fine but not spectacular. I think I’m probably being a bit overly judgy here. I find he doesn’t know when to take the kids to the doctors things like that.
I definitely take on way more in the medical side than he does but part of that is job flexibility. I enjoy my job flexibility but am burnt out on routine medical appointments. By the time I get them all done it’s a new year and it all starts over again.
He has taken care of me after two surgeries and other ailments really well. After one big surgery, he couldn't get that much time off work, so he hired our house cleaner to come 3x a week instead of once. He's thoughtful that way.
He's better with physical ailments than mental health as a caretaker though. We both have anxiety and sometimes we elevate each other's anxiety instead of helping each other. We've gotten better though.
I want to preface this by saying I don't think I'm actually answering the question in the op. These are semi-related thoughts that have nothing to do with whether or not I'd remarry (which is still a hard no).
I've been thinking about this because I'm starting to struggle with physical symptoms of... something. And I don't want to put H in a caretaker roll. Most of this is me. Staunchly independent. I can manage myself and don't need help type bs.
But... There is also something about me being sick that triggers H. There have been two times over the years where I was sick enough to need a doctor. He was angry and frustrated and overall just unhelpful. We've talked about it, and I think (for my H at least) it comes down to fear.
Which makes sense in a way. If you have a constant in your life that is suddenly no longer constant, what do you do? Some people do what needs doing and others lash out and still others just shut down. And because I am a caretaker through and through (to the point of being smothering lol), I've conditioned people to think I will always be there. Losing that is a scary thought. Hell, it scares me to think I might not be able to do everything I do.
H was there for me after my wrist surgery. But aloof. Partly because I don't want help ever, and he was respecting that. And maybe partly because he saw what it could mean to be a caretaker. I mean, even I had to admit I couldn't prep a spaghetti squash three days out from surgery on my dominant wrist 😭
I have been there for H through everything. Surgeries, sickness, stress... everything. I will always find a way to take care of him and help with whatever needs he has. But I refuse to let him do the same for me. Even if he wants to.
It's hard for me to think about either one of us becoming gravely ill. I know I do whatever it takes. I also know the weight of that burden and would never want my H to have to take on that role for me. And loss of control scares me.
So yeah... I think H would be an excellent caretaker if I'm willing to accept help. I also hope we're never in that position.
We are both ok in spurts but things break down if the caretaking requirements go on too long. I'm sure we would step up in the event of a serious dx, but I don't think either of us are the type to sign up for it twice (if something were to happen to our current relationship).
When I was attacked by a dog last summer H was a good caretaker in terms of practical help, but left me managing not only my own emotions but also his big feelings about the situation. It was draining.
Idk. I'm not putting my relationship out there as some shining example to aspire to. But if something happened in my current relationship, I would not seek out another relationship in the hopes of having a future caregiver.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Feb 11, 2024 12:03:45 GMT -5
This is an interesting topic for me. My parents are divorced, and my mom had a 'friend' and neighbor that was about 20 years older than her that she spent about 14 years with as basically her partner, but she kept him in the friend zone even though he expressed that he would have wanted a romantic relationship with her and even to marry her, and I know her main consideration for this was his age and her not wanting to have to be his caretaker. They did everything together, traveled together, he was invited to all family functions on our side of the family, etc. And even though he wasn't her primary caretaker when she had a few health things come up, he was the one she generally leaned on for a LOT. But when he started to get sick, she made her boundaries clear about what she was and was not willing to do for him. I definitely judged her for it at the time...IMO he definitely did more for her than she was willing to do for him. But I guess she was clear from the beginning of their relationship what she was/was not willing to be to him, so that's between them. He passed just over a year ago, and my mom just found out she likely has breast cancer, and I am faced with being her main caretaker through that even though she and I have a strained relationship. Selfishly, I wish she had a partner to shoulder that burden.
As for my own dh, he is willing to be a caretaker and does his best, but I've learned unfortunately that he is NOT good at it. I had high expectations before ds was born (14 years ago), and so when he struggled with how to help me when I struggled after having a c/s and learning how to care for a newborn, I was very upset and disillusioned I guess. When dd came along, I had much lowered my expectations of his behavior, and that recovery and the transition to having her went much more smoothly for us all. I just had surgery this past August, and dh took time off work to be my main support during recovery. Again, I didn't have high expectations for what he would do for me, and he did help as much as I'm able to admit he's able, but again there were times when I did wish I had someone who just helped BETTER. And I would say that my opinion of him helping me at this times has affected how much effort I put into taking care of him the few times he's had medical stuff. To be fair, the only things he's gone through were getting a vasectomy (recovery for this can vary, and all I really did was let him have the 2 full days that he needed to lay in bed and recover, ask if he needed anything, etc. and do all kid duty for our 2 young kids, but I didn't really go out of my way to 'help' him) and having a root canal, which again, I asked if he needed anything, but pretty much left him on his own to do what he felt up to doing.
So I think if one of us goes through a major medical even or prolonged illness, we will take care of each other as much as we are able to, but it may not be as much either of us had hoped for before we've learned what to expect from each other. But I do feel like at least we are honest about it and know what to expect.
He's an excellent caretaker! Better than I am with him. However, I still stand by my answer to the previous question that sparked this, which was not to remarry, but have a long term companion that lives next door.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Feb 11, 2024 12:12:56 GMT -5
My grandmother was the family caretaker for years. She did all the cooking, all the cleaning, she took care of the kids, and she took care of my grandfather.
When she developed Alzheimer’s, my grandfather had to learn how to do all of the things she had always done and he did it with great love for her. He refused to put her in a care facility and she wound up dying at home with him and two of her three children. It took a tremendous toll on my grandfather, though, and we saw a real decline in his health.
She died in 2017 and he’s still with us at almost 99, but his mobility has declined greatly and he’s starting to experience more significant cognitive decline. He lives with my aunt and they’re starting to consider moving him to a care facility. Long term caregiving is HARD.
I will say people can surprise you! My mom did everything for my dad who has had major health concerns for a long time but when she got ill he figured out all the shopping/cooking/meal planning etc and took good physical care of her.
He has not mastered the finances/bills (mostly because it is largely online and he doesn’t have a computer or any computer skills) and some logistical things and I do that now but he makes his own appointments and can go to most doctor visits himself (my mom used to go all of them with him). But he was not a hands on father at all so we have been pleasantly surprised by this turnaround. I know my mom was very surprised at how well he did! She was younger and a lot healthier than he was when she was diagnosed and we all expected her to long outlive him.
But I wouldn’t want to wait until something serious happened to know if my spouse could handle it!
I have more than a few health issues. My husband is a wonderful caregiver. He takes care of everything for me when im dealing with all my issues. He is thoughtful and caring. He also likes to take care of other people when he can.
I don't mind taking care of people when they are sick, it is in line with my love language of acts of service. My H suuuuucks in this department and actually gets annoyed when I am sick, even though he KNOWS its wrong so I think he tries to hide it.
When I think of the not wanting to take care of another man to me that means keeping track of everything and the mental load.
abs I am so sorry about your diagnosis last week. ❤️Do you need anything?
Thank you! I have a great support system but will take all the good thoughts! I’m sure I will share more here when I know more. I was diagnosed with a very rare neurological disorder called neurofibromatosis type 2. I have several non cancerous tumors in my brain and one on my left ear which causes hearing loss. I have no clue what needs to be done. Right now all I have is a diagnosis but haven’t seen a specialist yet.
abs I am so sorry about your diagnosis last week. ❤️Do you need anything?
Thank you! I have a great support system but will take all the good thoughts! I’m sure I will share more here when I know more. I was diagnosed with a very rare neurological disorder called neurofibromatosis type 2. I have several non cancerous tumors in my brain and one on my left ear which causes hearing loss. I have no clue what needs to be done. Right now all I have is a diagnosis but haven’t seen a specialist yet.
❤️ I have NF1. Please reach out anytime. If you’re near Boston, Dr. Plotkin is wonderful. I have seen Dr. Tonsgard in Illinois as well.
I have lesions in my white matter that don’t cause me any major issues, but I need to have follow up MRIs every two years. Please do not rely on Google. The algorithm posts worst case scenarios.
Edited to add - I was not diagnosed until I was 37 and it was very frightening at the time, so I know just how you’re feeling right now. Please be kind to yourself.
underwaterrhymes!! I am so glad you are doing well. Gosh I just love this place. You never know where you’re going to find support. We are on vacation this week but I’m going to reach out to you next week. Yes you know this journey very well and I have so many questions. Google has indeed not been my friend.
My H would take care of me, yes. He's a very kind and attentive individual.
Admittedly, overall I've done more caretaking of him in our relationship. I don't think he quite gets that imbalance in our dynamic - I recognize his moods and will subtly draw him out and listen. He just doesn't pay that kind of attention to me. But when I ask him for something, he's always there for me without resentment. I know I can count on him.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Feb 11, 2024 14:59:58 GMT -5
abs - Have a great time and send me a PM when you get back. NF1, NF2, and Schwannamatosis are all three different variations of neurofibromatosis, but if there is anything I can’t answer for you, my friend’s son has NF2 and she advocates for legislation. She’s very knowledgeable.
expectantsteelerfan you've pretty much described our exact situation. Except I have come to treat him the way he treats me and he feels I am not "sympathetic enough", because I guess he thinks he deserves more than I do. I have the ability to be a great caretaker but I go no farther than people will go for me anymore. And apparently people can hide the negative parts of themselves for longer than I realized, so I wouldn't waste my time in another relationship.
TL;DR. No. I had never heard the phrase "nurse and a purse" before. Always learning something on here!
My spouse has always said medical and hospital things make him squeamish. Fine, I can understand that. There are lots of ways to support someone that doesn't involve having to deal with medical stuff. But when I got sick and was in the hospital, he cared zero about keeping things in control at home. The contractor was calling me about the placement of the drawer and the countertop in DD's bathroom. Me, the person who couldn't pick up the phone so someone else had to answer and hold it by my face. When I finally came back home after being in the hospital for 3 months, I saw weeds that were 6 feet tall in the front yard. Literally didn't care to keep the yard maintained. Oh but what he did do is call 1-800-JUNK-GONE to have them haul away a treadmill that my friend gave me and was just sitting in the garage not bothering anyone except him. He has always accused me of "exaggerating" my disability. That's not how it works but there seems to be no convincing him otherwise.
Soon after there was the time DD fell and burned her hand badly on the fireplace. The safety mechanism to prevent that injury was not in place because he had moved it so he could have a better view of the flames, even though I told him that it wasn't safe to do that. She was wailing and I was trying to comfort her. I didn't think her burn was ER level bad so we stayed home. (If I did think we needed to go to the ER, I would've called my parents because I had not regained the ability to drive yet). Still, it would've been nice if he had shown some compassion. Dude sat there with no remorse and blew her off. The internet said aloe might help so I asked him to go over to Walmart and find some and he refused.
So that time he went to his friend's wedding, got blackout drunk, and his friends were calling me at 2 am saying I had to come pick him up because they wouldn't let him stay overnight at the hotel like we had agreed? Me, the one with an 8 week old and a 4 year old asleep at home? NOPE. I told them to roll him outside the hotel lobby and call the cops. Then they called a while later to say that someone saw him hit his head so an ambulance had been called. DON'T CARE, stop calling me. Another call a while later that 2 friends were in the ambulance with him on his way to XYZ hospital. I think the friends were very perplexed why I showed zero worry. I texted his mother and said the IL's could deal with this situation and his release from the hospital. Thankfully they did.
He once told me that he sometimes reflects on situations much later and realizes that he had the wrong response. OK that's nice, but he doesn't seem to have the courage to change his ways and I'm tired of waiting.
I absolutely consider my spouse and I to be one another's caretakers.
After my grandfather died in his early 70s following several long illnesses, my uncle kept trying to fix up my vigorous and healthy grandmother. She refused unless the man was "young, healthy, and handsome or old, rich, and ready to die." As a kid I thought that was harsh but funny. As an adult thinking about what my grandfather's last years were like I'm appalled my uncle was trying to foist random people on his mom when she had such a clear idea about what she wanted for her last years.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Feb 11, 2024 17:21:34 GMT -5
abs my H and both kids have NF1. I don't know how different NF2 is in terms of treatment but my H and DS have tumors and it has always been "watch and wait unless it's causing a problem". H did have a large one removed from his neck because they were worried it would push on his airway. DS has a brain tumor that is doing nothing and we have been watching for 7 years.
My H has stepped up to caretake when I had procedures in the past. They were minor so I guess it remains to be seen how he would be with a long illness or total disability, but I think he would do what was needed or at least figure out how to get things set up so I was taken care of. I'm thinking along the lines of idk if he would actually change my diaper but he would be sure somebody did so I wasn't unnecessarily suffering. My H is not a particularly nurturing personality, but he is a good person who is realistic that sometimes life isn't just about having fun (and I am too resistant to being helped or asking for anything to ever have ended up with someone super nurturing anyway!)
This is on the list of why I want to be married to someone or at least have a partner. In my family I have seen my parents take care of each other, especially my dad for my mom. And I am also more recently seeing my single by choice sister really struggling with no partner and no local family. Her life would be so much easier right now if she had someone in it (assuming they stepped up I guess). I guess a best single friend could also fill that role but I don't have any friends I would be able to ask that of.
Yeah. I can always count on my H to handle shit. He has shown in the past that he will step up in difficult times and I have no doubt he will in the future. And of course, I feel the same about him.
Yes, he is there for whatever I need, when I need it. I have had a few minor medical procedures over the years (wisdom tooth removal, gallbladder removal, 2 labors (1 cesarean) and he has always been very supportive.
he's also there for me with mental health, emotional support. I went on a vacation with my sister 2 years ago for a long weekend and he stepped up and had no issues handling the kids. they are teens so not hard but my oldest had a basketball tournament that weekend so he had to handle school on Friday and Monday, travel to/from the tourney, do groceries, and cleaned so I didn't come home to a mess. If I'm having a bad day, he's there supporting me, and even doing small things like grabbing me flowers or a coffee or a fav snack/candy etc.
I have no doubt he would be there should I need him.
Yes, he has taken great care of me through some reasonably serious medical issues. I hope I could do the same for him, but honestly I'm not a great caregiver. I don't have a ton of patience and I tend to get easily overwhelmed. I'm sure it's one of those situations where you just get on with what needs doing, but I still worry about it.
H is a good caretaker, I think. I haven't had a lot of experience with needing it. I might someday though, as I have a genetic mutation that could cause me a host of problems.
I will be honest that I'm not a great caretaker. I feel very bitter when it feels like I'm doing all the housework/parenting myself. I would like to think I'd step up if he had some kind of chronic illness though. I'm sure I would need therapy.
DH has a lot of good qualities, but being a caretaker is not one of them. He does kind of the bare minimum that is expected, but he never really attempts to take things off of my plate when I'm sick, recovering, have needed minor surgical procedures. I had a colonoscopy about 18 months ago, and my kids went to school about 25-30 mins away (no buses available, no carpools available). He was shocked... SHOCKED... when I told him that I could not safely drive an hour roundtrip to pick up the kids after not sleeping at all the night before doing my prep, and being sedated that day for the procedure. And he was VERY ANNOYED when he had to pick them up.
That's happened, in some shape or form, almost every time I've had to recover from ANYTHING. Minor surgeries, procedures, COVID, etc... Even a questionable mammogram that went as far as a biopsy, I really had to focus on making him feel better rather than mentally preparing myself for the procedure.
It comes down to the fact that he is supportive until it's an inconvenience. So I'm not anticipating that he would be a tremendous caregiver if I needed it.