Yes. DH is a fantastic caretaker. When I was infected and lost my hips, I was in a wheelchair for almost a year. I needed help with everything, and he did a fantastic job. DH has generally needed little help, but when he has been laid up, I returned the favor.
Yes, H is a caretaker. He would make an excellent stay-at-home partner as he can manage the logistics of managing a household well. Cooking, pet care, child care, shopping, laundry, basic cleaning, etc. However, I carry most of the mental and emotional loads. I make sure shit is on the list and he gets it done. He is an excellent worker bee and I'm good at managing/planning.
Hugs to those dealing with chronic conditions and those let down by a partner.
To the OP, I probably would not marry again. I'm on the older end of people here and DH is older still.
We're both pretty good as short-term CGs. Dh has been a very good caregiver for me after surgery not so much post-partum. He managed my meds and sleep next to the couch for two weeks after I had my knee replaced. I cared from him after a bad fall in which he couldn't move from a fracture/pain.
One issue with caregiving for an older couple and/or one with chronic conditions is that assuming the role is insidious. I was PT caregiver for dad with dementia while mom had him home. Alzheimer's can break a caregiver with its unique challenges (it's not called the long goodbye for nothing) and losses (personality challenge and progression that will/could include incontinence, forgetting how their people are, noncooperation, sleep disturbances in the context of this being a disease that can take over a decade to kill someone.
I'm morphing into mom's caregiver now. She's still in her own home, but she can't drive, has multiple chronic conditions with many appointments and I'm it. She's a heartbeat away from disaster-- a devastating fall, loss of vision in her remaining good eye, a heart attack, stroke-- and me having to make really hard decisions. I worry I'll go from caregiver to her to caregiver to DH.
As for my own dh, he is willing to be a caretaker and does his best, but I've learned unfortunately that he is NOT good at it. I had high expectations before ds was born (14 years ago), and so when he struggled with how to help me when I struggled after having a c/s and learning how to care for a newborn, I was very upset and disillusioned I guess. When dd came along, I had much lowered my expectations of his behavior, and that recovery and the transition to having her went much more smoothly for us all. I just had surgery this past August, and dh took time off work to be my main support during recovery. Again, I didn't have high expectations for what he would do for me, and he did help as much as I'm able to admit he's able, but again there were times when I did wish I had someone who just helped BETTER....
So I think if one of us goes through a major medical even or prolonged illness, we will take care of each other as much as we are able to, but it may not be as much either of us had hoped for before we've learned what to expect from each other. But I do feel like at least we are honest about it and know what to expect.
DH has a lot of good qualities, but being a caretaker is not one of them. He does kind of the bare minimum that is expected, but he never really attempts to take things off of my plate when I'm sick, recovering, have needed minor surgical procedures.
I am in the same boat as you both. H I think wants to help, but is fucking terrible at it. I had a very similar story after the birth of our child to expectantsteelerfan and I am still in therapy about it. I will say before we had a child that I think he was better. When we miscarried at 18 weeks he was incredible. When I had minor procedures he would take time off to "help" but that was mostly just asking if I needed anything and then going to pickup takeout for us.
Now it seems a bit worse, and I know he would be offended by hearing that. He genuinely cares, but caretaking has never been his thing.
My H is definitely a caretaker. Acts of service have always been his thing but I have a blood disorder that makes me tired naturally, an autoimmune disorder that doesn't help and I'm on a GLP1 that makes me sick a lot of weeks, plus I'm in grad school and had been caring for my parents/now widowed mother who live five minutes away. For better or worse, some of his main phrases lately have been "do you need anything? followed by "can I bring you some water at least?" if I say no." He also WFH, while I'm hybrid, and has been for most of our parenting years, so he picks up a lot of the school runs/dr visits/meal prep and laundry.
Post by nuggetbrain on Feb 12, 2024 12:00:51 GMT -5
After I filed for divorce, my mom told me that she always thought that if something serious happened to me, exH would probably dip because he wouldn't be able to handle taking care of me. She loved him to death but still thought that. When I mentioned it to his sisters, they both were like "Yeah, no, he would not have been able to deal with that."
Looking back they are completely right. Which is sad, because I would have done it for him.
Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't be with him if not. I have been fortunate and not had any significant needs, but he has been amazing through pregnancies/childbirth/postpartum, and doing way more than I even knew I needed. I have no doubt that he'd be a great caregiver if needed, and I would do the same for him.
DH is great, we haven't been tested yet health wise but we both prioritize each other and the kids.
I saw with my mom how hard it can be. My stepdad was tested when she was diagnosed with Lewy body Parkinson's at 60. My stepdad did the best he could, she eventually needed a nursing home and then years later he divorced her. The last part I have a lot of feelings about but not related to this post. My sister and I were her caretakers and it was awful even with her living in a facility. That kind of illness where your mind and body are gone, I would not want my DH to give up his life for me. She fell all the time too, it's basically like Alzheimers in the brain but also with balance issues. Every day she asked to die pretty much. She lived in a terrible state for 14 years and was rarely in her right mind. She was angry and hostile and took too many pain pils. She didn't follow any of the doctors advice and kept begging us to take her out of the facility. Anyway, after seeing that, I tell DH all the time and he tells me if the caretaking takes up your whole day and there is no companionship, a facility is the best choice. My MIL took care of FIL for many years but he had his mind. It was still so much for her and so hard but she had his companionship and until the last year he had a quality of life.
Post by lovelovelove on Feb 12, 2024 14:12:39 GMT -5
I'm definitely a caretaker but I have feelings about if H or I had to do long term things for each other with huge mental and physical burdens. A few super close people to me have been in this situation including my mom with her sister (eventually they had to live together as both were single) and it's so so so hard. H and I would 100% do those hard things for each other but it would not be without conflict, knowing both of our personalities at this point in our lives.
Day to day illness care and even longer term, I'm a good caretaker, and do this "job" for our household. H is tough, he's an amazing caretaker (probably much better than me), however, his professional job takes a lot of his caretaker energy so when everyone is healthy in our house he's about tapped out. I handle it all when we're all healthy- so like daily meds, appts, etc. And I'm the primary caregiver to our dd or pets if they are sick or injured bc I have more flexibility in work/schedule and I know he's kind of spent on that, but he's still kind and will help. And he would do it if I wasn't already. If I am sick or injured he does a great job taking care of me. I try to take care of him but he's a tough patient lol. We have ups and downs in our relationship but this is something he's always been wonderful about. It's something we're totally a team on. That said I don't change my answer on not wanting to marry again. As lovely as it is having that support, it's not a reason for me to be partnered up.
After I filed for divorce, my mom told me that she always thought that if something serious happened to me, exH would probably dip because he wouldn't be able to handle taking care of me. She loved him to death but still thought that. When I mentioned it to his sisters, they both were like "Yeah, no, he would not have been able to deal with that."
Looking back they are completely right. Which is sad, because I would have done it for him.
This is one of the reasons I divorced my XH as well. I knew if I was sick he wouldn't be there for me. He'd make a show of enlisting OTHERS to help, but would then take the time to go off and enjoy himself. After I had serious complications after our second daughter's birth, he was NOT there for me and basically left me to fend for myself, and our toddler, while I was paralyzed due to a freak incident after labor.
I personally LOVE to nurture and be a caretaker - I feel like I'm thriving as a mom and a spouse when I can take care of my family. Of course I do it for my kids, but I also loved taking care of my ex for many years if he got sick. I became burnt out after over a decade of it and never having it reciprocated.
My new boyfriend is a caretaker. He nurtures and dotes over his kids, and on me any time I'm there. If he's having a tough time, I take over and I plan dinner, cook it, and generally try to make him feel better. We both thrive in this area and we have become each others' safe space because of it. I'm sick today, for the first time since we've started dating, so I'm curious to see what he says when I tell him later.
It is interesting to me that many people mention the value of having a caretaker as a reason to get married/partner up. Inevitably, one of you is going to have to go it alone, having survived the first person to pass on. Statistically, it is more likely to be the woman in the relationship.
I'm not sure. My initial thought was no. When I'm sick, the house goes to shit. He enlists SDs to help a lot. I'm hoping he won't do that anymore now that SD2 is moving out here soon so they're both on their own.
But then I remembered that during L&D he was awesome and then also after I had DS he was definitely amazing. He took off a week of work, changed all of the diapers. Literally all of them, I remember insisting that I had to do it because I won't know how to do it when he goes back to work. DS was formula fed because I didn't make enough milk, we split the night shifts.
It is interesting to me that many people mention the value of having a caretaker as a reason to get married/partner up. Inevitably, one of you is going to have to go it alone, having survived the first person to pass on. Statistically, it is more likely to be the woman in the relationship.
To be clear, I do not consider this a reason to marry, but rather a benefit of marriage.
Post by chickadee77 on Feb 12, 2024 15:06:50 GMT -5
PDQ
This is something I'm dealing with on a small level. My H has had a condition that has been worsening over the years, and is to the point where his mobility is severely affected. He, himself, is an amazing caretaker (though he hasn't had to do it much for me). I think I am, too, but it does wear on you after weeks and months and years (he had this condition when we met, but it has gotten worse with age). We also have two young children, which can be difficult in addition to his pain and lack of mobility. I wouldn't change anything for the world, but some days things are very difficult, not gonna lie.
We have discussed potential Alzeimers, as it runs in his family, and we're both of a mind to go to some sort of home if it were to get to some arbitrary "severe" level.
I'm not a good caretaker. That's one of the reasons why I don't have kids. I would not take care of DH in a longterm situation and I would not ask/expect him to take care of me in that case, either.
Post by BlondeSpiders on Feb 12, 2024 17:05:48 GMT -5
This is an interesting discussion. PDQ
Without going into too much detail, 13ish years ago I found myself having to make a choice between two men. One was my age and relatively healthy, physically. The other was 7 years younger and had a variety of chronic pain issues as well as dx, medicated, and regulated mental illnesses. I actually had the pragmatic discussion with myself and chose the younger and "sicker" one. I knew that our future might include me taking care of him and I decided it was worth it.
It was, it still is. As he's gotten older, some pain issues or other conditions have worsened, and I expect that I will outlive him. In spite of all of this, he is so good at taking care of me when I need it. Luckily for both of us, I don't need it often. I might need one "sick day" every 3 weeks or so, while he needs at least 2 a week. I do worry what might happen if both of us need an extended sick day at the same time; it has not happened yet.
His mother has been ill for many years, and he's watched his father become her caretaker. He cooks all their meals and handles all the chores because she can't walk easily. I wonder if seeing this dynamic has made him the way he is?
It is interesting to me that many people mention the value of having a caretaker as a reason to get married/partner up. Inevitably, one of you is going to have to go it alone, having survived the first person to pass on. Statistically, it is more likely to be the woman in the relationship.
I don’t know it is a reason to get married/partnered but it’s a big perk! It’s hard to navigate even short term preventative care things like a colonoscopy alone, much less bigger things like a major illness or surgery.
Sure one half of a couple will probably be alone at some point but hopefully we all will have a lot of years before that. A willingness to provide care (however that might look) is one of the lowest bars in partnership imo
I’m currently grumpy at my all-male house for never doing more than what is asked of them on daily chores and stuff around the house, so I might be not in the right headspace for this question.
DH kinda steps up when I’ve been down for childbirth and surgery, but not really when I’ve been sick otherwise, mostly he tries to avoid me in fear of catching it. I think if I was requiring intensive level of caretaking I’m not sure he’d be able to do it well. I’m not sure I’d be very good at it long term either, so there’s that.
My dad takes care of my mom, who is only semi-mobile and doesn’t leave the house. He is not very patient and gets irritated often. He has stepped up laundry and cooking, because he likes to have both, but I’m sure he feels pretty put out generally.
Post by redheadbaker on Feb 12, 2024 21:56:24 GMT -5
Yes, he is a great caretaker. Sometimes he worries about my health more than I do. When I had my wisdom tooth removal, he made sure I took my meds and had soft foods.
If I’m sick, he’ll let me sleep in and he will get DS up for school, give him breakfast, pack his lunch, etc. He does more cleaning than I do even when I feel fine …
Yes, my husband is Mr. Acts of Service and if he sees something that needs to be done for any one of us he usually does it immediately without prompting, complaint, or fanfare. He most recently helped me out when I had food poisoning over the weekend - washcloth, pepto, water, Dunkin drink the next morning. We both have family patterns of spouse caretaking in the home to end of life, and if we live long enough, maybe that’s how it will go for us, too.
My husband is also sometimes comically frugal (though never cheap). If I were to become seriously ill, I could see him wanting me to be home with his help not only for my own comfort but as a way to keep costs down.
I'm responding before reading the responses, because I feel like in our current life (two toddlers, two jobs, a dog) we are a lifetime away from what you're asking.
The only ones who need caretaking right now will eventually be gone, and it's hard to see past that (because it seems so infinite LOL).