s/o do you consider a/your spouse a caretaker?

[cricketwife]

In the Would You Remarry thread, there were a lot of comments about not wanting to take care of another man and the "nurse and a purse" comments which got me thinking.  Honestly, it's one of things I like about being married and would want in old age.  My stepfather was my mother's caretaker until he passed and now she's in a home.  (to be honest, he did a pretty shitty job, but it allowed her to stay in her home where she was comfortable and happier than in a memory care facility.) She would have spent many more years in a facility if she hadn't been married.  I like that if I'm the one who needs care, there's someone there to do it if I'm married.

Thankfully, my husband and I haven't experienced serious illness.  My first time giving birth was pretty difficult and he was amazing at caring for me after that. He's also great if I'm just plain old sick.  He spent the first year after high school working in a nursing home, so maybe that trained him?  Idk.  

I'm curious to know more about how other people view this.  I guess I view marriage as a safety net -- if I get sick, I have him to care for me.  It's true that if he gets sick then I'm the one who has to be the nurse. 

Anyway, just curious if anyone wants to share more of their thoughts on this?  I find it interesting as we deal with aging parents and aren't getting any younger ourselves.  

ETA: I’m “liking” because people took the time to respond. A lot of posts I don’t actually “like” because they talk about crappy spouses and/or illness. ☹️

[sadlebred]

My ex-H didn't take care of me after surgery, when I was sick, or anything. I distinctly remember him going to see his relatives day after I had a major surgery years ago. I was always on my own. As a result, I didn't coddle him when he had a man-cold or something. I made sure he was ok, had any meds, tissues, and such, but I wasn't by his side 24/7. He didn't care, so I did the minimum.

[abs]

I was thinking the same thing reading that thread. This is on my mind a lot because I got a pretty scary health diagnosis last week. I really, really can’t imagine making it through this without my family. I have no idea what to expect going forward but my H has been there every step. He will be taking me to various appointments in the next few months and this is where the in sickness and health part of our vows comes into play. Last year was my turn. I took on a lot more when he had a concussion. H will be taking on a lot more now. I think it would be so hard to be alone in old age plus I like being married. I’m also an only child so maybe that colors my opinion.

[sugarbear1]

My exH was a pretty good caretaker., and I really appreciated that about him. I think I am also a good caretaker, but he would not allow me to take care of him.

That said, he has a cancer scare a few weeks ago and I was trying to figure out how it would work, if he needed treatment. I was prepared to offer him the guest room for however long he needed it. I doubt he'd have accepted-- we are in excellent terms -- but he truly does not have anyone else. I'd have offered because I care about him, but also because it would have made my kids' lives so much easier.

[dexteroni]

Yeah, to a point. That’s one of the aspects of being a spouse IMO. Caring for each other is part of companionship. If my DH couldn’t be bothered to take care of me after surgery, I’d reconsider why I was married. Of course when you get into major illness and advancing age, there may be a point where it’s too much for a spouse to do by themselves at home. But until then, yeah, absolutely.

[noodleoo]

Yes, I think this is one of the perks of being married/having a companion. However I think women end up doing the caretaking a lot more than men, so I can see not wanting to take that on again after your first relationship has ended.

[vamoose]

My grandma is in her 90s and has regularly dated and been on dating apps for the past 10 years or so. I have found that no matter the health status of her partners, they have all gotten sick and needed the care taking from her instead of the other way around. It may be the generation these men are, but I also can’t see any of them being good care takers. Her friends that do date have had similar experiences.

So for me it would depend on age and the mindset of me I. My generation once at that point in life. I would maybe be okay with a two way safety net situation, but IRL for late in life relationships, I have personally seen WAY more of the woman taking care of the man.

[dexteroni]

abs I’m sorry to hear that. I wish you well.

[eddy]

My current husband? Absolutely. I have helped him through several surgeries. I know he would do the same for me.

I can understand not wanting to do that again though especially if you are older. Say I become a widow who had to watch my husband die. I would not want to go through that again especially if I am 60+.

Actually my dad is living this scenario right now. He would LOVE to marry his girlfriend. Both of them are widows from cancer. She has very healthy boundaries and doesn't want to go through all of that again. I do not blame her one bit. My dad is needy AF lol. Plus it is traumatizing to care for a spouse as they die.

[SusanBAnthony]

Take care of him during an event like a surgery and recovery, absolutely. Take care of him for a decade of Alzheimer's? Hard pass and I wouldn't want him to do it for me either.

I think the issue is that women tend to live longer and be the younger one in the couple, so on balance it's the woman taking care of the man AGAIN.

If I went through that with one man no way would I sign up for another. Maybe I'd marry a younger healthier man 🤣

[momof2]

Neither my husband nor I are super inclined towards caretaking and have ended up with a child that needs 24/7 care. I have a lot of my own health issues and my husband has to do a lot of caretaking for me as a result when I have had surgeries, etc. My husband is ultimately able to step up better than me in the caregiving department, but that is primarily because he doesn’t have the chronic pain I have.

Having 14 years of caring for a kid that doesn’t sleep through the night, has to be bathed, have her diapers changed, etc is crushing — physically and emotionally. The idea we would also have to do this for parents and each other as well is pretty much unbearable. I am team “I’m going to Switzerland and dying how I want to die.” I always have been, but dealing with the intense caregiving we have done for so long only motivates me more. But I need to try to live at least 10 years to get my youngest out of college.

That said, I do see having someone around to help you as one of the major positives of married life. This was my position when I was a teen in the 80s and people didn’t support gay marriage. I always said “don’t we want people to form families to be able to support on another through illness, job loss, etc.” Setting aside the major human rights issues, I didn’t get why forming families (of any kind) wasn’t just good public policy. I do worry that the decline of marriage as an institution isn’t good for the community as a whole. But I’m also a feminist that totally understands why more women are opting out of this.

My grandma was widowed around age 50 and refused to remarry. She would tell all her friends that were dating “all he wants is a nurse with a purse.” She often was right about this.

[notsopicky]

Interesting question. My mom has Alz and my dad will take care of her until he is no longer physically/mentally able to, and then she will go to assisted living. They've been married 55 years and that commitment tracks with their generation and their marriage.

My college boyfriend was dx'd with ALS when he was in his 30s. He's been gone 7 or so years now, and his wife, from diagnosis until the end, was his caretaker. He shared in an email to me when he was pretty far into the disease that he missed the martial relationship with his wife because she had become his caretaker, but that she was his angel, that he was so grateful that she stayed to care for him. He wrote that almost 10 years ago and I've never forgotten it.

H is a doofus about a lot of stuff, but he is a good caretaker. I'm pretty confident that if I were to get sick, he would care for me. As I would for him.

[W.T.Faulkner]

Neither of us has had to be one yet, so I can only hope thar we will be good ones, if and when the time comes. We certainly have the best example ever: his mom has been taking care of his dad, who has had progressive MS, through countless hospital stays, infections, and the slow deterioration of his mobility. Even though he can’t physically take care of their home or her, he still works and pays the bills, manages their finances, and maintains inventory of their groceries and household stuff. It will be hard to live up to them.

PDQ
My mom is going through something similar to my FIL these days — not MS, but a degenerative condition (still unnamed and rare) that will steal her mobility slowly. She wears braces on both legs and struggles with a lot of pain, and at only 63, is really having a difficult time with all of this, both physically and emotionally. My dad has, very surprisingly, not been great about any of it, to the point that my sister and I have to intervene soon. It’s been hard to reconcile the husband and caretaker I have always known him to be (very involved with relatives on both sides of our family) with the guy in front of us now who seems so insensitive to my mom’s needs. It’s like he can’t fathom that she could ever need care herself, after she spent decades caring for everyone else. Maybe it’s a form of grief or denial; I don’t know. I just hope he gets his shit together soon, because I love them both so much, and they really are such wonderful people.

[silvercrayon]

I had a total knee replacement last spring and my husband was amazing! I tell him all the time how grateful I am that he was there. He really was awesome!

We have made a pact that we will do our best to keep each other home unless one of us gets severe Alzheimers as we get older. I hope it works out.

[starburst604]

Hmmm I guess H has never had to really take care of me for anything too serious. I guess he was helpful when I had my c section but I healed pretty quickly. I know I lost it on him a few months ago when I had been sick with a horrible cough sinus thing and instead of JUST GETTING UP with the dogs in the morning, he would ASK ME if I wanted him to get up with the dogs. Because he of course did not want to get up and wanted me to be like “oh no I’ve got it because now I’m awake anyway!!”

I am a born caretaker and would gladly do it for anyone in my life. Except maybe him, at this point.

[penguingrrl]

H has been a caretaker for me through three difficult pregnancies (in the last I spent 2 full months on full bed rest with two toddlers at home) and I have begun to be his caregiver as four years ago this week H was diagnosed with a condition akin to MS and we have no idea what his prognosis will be because it’s super rare. He also cares for me on a daily basis in various ways and always so sweetly.

I consider caretaking part of a long term relationship regardless of whether the couple is married. My mom and her SO have cared for each other through a few minor things in the almost 12 or 13 years they’ve been together. He cared for his late wife through cancer and was amazing, and has shown the same care and tenderness towards my mother.

[maudefindlay]

We are both healthy, but a few years ago DH had kidney stones and I took care of him and I am currently recovering from a minor surgery and he has done all the cooking, laundry, shuttling kids, shopping, homework, and all with a pleasant attitude. He is a wonderful caretaker. We both jump in and step it up if the other is under the weather or just needs a break.
We've been married 18 years and I hope we have many more years and I know we will take care of each other as we age if needed and as able. I would not want to start that over again with someone as we won't have all that history and yes, my experience is women living longer and the men needing the caretaking. In the other thread I voted I would do a ltr, but not remarry and I would not plan to live with the person save for maybe wintering together somewhere warm, but we'd both have our own homes. I would not remarry later for the hope of having a caretaker because we'd both be old and that would be like betting on a dead horse and also I've just never looked at this as a reason to marry, like that was not on my radar at all.

[wanderingback]

Yes my partner is a good caretaker. That is a benefit in being in a relationship in my opinion. No I wouldn’t expect him to provide me 24/7 care if something horrible happened to me but yes I know he would overall be a good caretaker. I would not be in a serious relationship with or have a child with someone who I didn’t think would be a good care taker.

[babsbunny]

I also looked at the question as wanting another partner, legally, to "support" me. I can also now see the perspective of not wanting to do a caretaker role more than once.

For both my DH and I, I see the caretaker role as administrative and mental support. We will buy the physical care. Since we don't have kids, we need to find trustworthy care sources. The mental support is the cheerleader role and knowing I'm not alone.

Reading these responses, I get why remarrying after a certain age might not be as good as remarrying younger.

[Jalapeñomel]

We would absolutely take care of each other should we have to. Honestly, if I didn’t think he would, I would not stay in my marriage.

[jlt19]

XH was a good caretaker in situations where I allowed him to be (I'm controlling and always felt guilty). But, I am not. I'm ok with overall managing of a household (so logistics), but when someone is actually sick, I'm not the best. Due to age and his unhealthy lifestyle, I will probably outlive him, so even if we'd stayed married, I probably wouldn't have needed him to care for me, but you never know. Lucky for me, I have a VERY caring daughter Just kidding. I'm maxing out my HSA each year to hopefully have money for whatever I may need in the future for my care.

[yaga]

Within months of dating my H, while we were starting the covid quarantine, I had to have surgery due to endo. I had gotten a tough diagnosis about 2 months earlier which basically meant my tiny chance of having kids was basically 0, so I ended up having a hysterectomy since I was already going to be opened up.

I was quite honestly shocked at how he supported me even though we hadn't had any talks about the future and weren't even referring to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend. I told him I understood if he wanted to be with someone with less complicated medical needs and he never blinked an eye.

He's been with me now through 2 surgeries and I am so grateful for him. He's so caring and attentive, worries if I'm in pain, shows so much sympathy.* Bless his heart, he cannot cook, but he never hesitates to tell me we can order food the second I mention not feeling well. It's a small thing, but it's just nice that he's like oh the money doesn't matter, I don't want you exerting yourself if you don't feel okay/can't eat what we planned on having.

I think he would be a good caretaker if I was ever incapacitated and I would be for him. However, I'm also a nurse and see so many things that I would never want for myself at the end of my life. So hopefully I'll never have to see if that works out.

*my exH was almost the opposite, so maybe I'm just coming from a place of very low expectations.

[jenny1223]

XH was a horrible caretaker. This was something that worried me while we were married. (Among other things! Lol) My BF is a good caretaker. Nothing major has happened during our relationship but he proactively offers to take me to medical appointments and jumps in when I'm sick. A truly equal partner.

[coltsfan85]

I’ve been my husbands caretaker since age 30, so do I expect him to take care of me? To an extent sure but only to the extent he is capable of and with guidance from me. Do I expect to take care of him? Yes, but we work really well as a team to ensure his success.

I honestly don’t see any of my additional responsibilities as burdens and am grateful for each and every day I get extra with him. So that’s where we are at now and I have back up plans upon back up plans if we need them as we age.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

No, and It’s the number one reason I’m leaving

[jenny1223]

Feb 11, 2024 11:21:09 GMT -5 yaga said:

*my exH was almost the opposite, so maybe I'm just coming from a place of very low expectations.

I think this all the time and constantly check myself on my standards!

[yaga]

Feb 11, 2024 11:23:46 GMT -5 jenny1223 said:

Feb 11, 2024 11:21:09 GMT -5 yaga said:

*my exH was almost the opposite, so maybe I'm just coming from a place of very low expectations.

I think this all the time and constantly check myself on my standards!

I think it just makes me feel extra appreciative of my current situation and H is like, "yep just being a caring human here."

[underwaterrhymes]

He is a wonderful caretaker. When I had my mastectomy, he stripped my drains, helped me shower, made me meals, and did all the things for the house and kids for several weeks. Even now with me having the flu, he is caring for the kids, running to the grocery store, and staying on top of the dishes.

Even if I’m not sick, though, he is very much an equal and active partner. We partner together really well and pick up each other’s slack without resentment.

ETA - I also take care of him when he is sick. He’s only ever had a vasectomy and colonoscopy so far, but while he can be woeful when he doesn’t feel well, he’s a fairly easy patient.

[tacokick]

Yes, it’s one of the reasons I married him! Not only me but my parents when needed.

I agree women tend to be younger than their husbands and live longer which creates an unbalance later in life. When you combine that with (traditionally) men seeking out health care less in a preventative way, relying on their wives for mental and physical care/support in general you do end up with women who end up doing a really unbalanced amount of caretaking even in their older years.

[livinitup]

Yes, for sure. That’s the thing about imaging a new person being devoted in that way, not so much.