Fighting with your spouse in front of your kids

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Do you do this?  We have a tiny tiny house (for now) and even if I sent the kids to their rooms, they’d hear us.  

H is being awful, making me feel like a terrible mother and person. I’m afraid to confront him and fight with him in front of the kids. And honestly , I don’t really even know how to fight.  Fatal personality trait is that I’m allergic to confrontation and have a crippling lack of fight in me.  People pleaser for life.  

The other option would be via text but his phone doesn’t have great reception at work and he probably wouldn’t answer me anyway. 

I have to say something. I’m so tired of him saying things that make me feel terrible. And I want to model for my kids, especially my 15 year old daughter, to stand up for themselves.  But I don’t know how to do this. 

[gummybear]

Yes we do. If it makes you feel better during one of my very first CBT sessions my therapist asked if my parents fought and I said that in my entire life I have never seen them have a disagreement, all proud and shit, and she told me that’s actually bad bc we learn healthy conflict resolution in relationships by seeing our parents work things out. In the absence of that we learn to avoid, suppress feelings, and sweep things under the rug so as not to make waves. Hello, me.

It’s ok

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Feb 13, 2024 15:46:41 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Yes we do. If it makes you feel better during one of my very first CBT sessions my therapist asked if my parents fought and I said that in my entire life I have never seen them have a disagreement, all proud and shit, and she told me that’s actually bad bc we learn healthy conflict resolution in relationships by seeing our parents work things out. In the absence of that we learn to avoid, suppress feelings, and sweep things under the rug so as not to make waves. Hello, me.

It’s ok

I’ve never seen my parents fight once.  Huh. 

[CurlyQ284]

Can you talk to him in the car or garage? Maybe not, I feel like you might have one LO (my memory is garbage if it's not on a post it, I'm like Dory) but if they are napping can you bring the monitor?

I mean I have. I'm not proud of it but it's happened.

[waverly]

My first thought is that this is talked about in couples therapy. The reason being because you said that you are allergic to confrontation. Or if not in couples therapy then in individual therapy planning out how you want to approach it.

DH and I do fight in front of the kids; sometimes it becomes bigger, but most often it is more like bickering. Bickering (not excessive) can be a sign of a healthy relationship, I remember reading that somewhere. But obviously, big scary fights are going to be scary for the kids also, so we do try to avoid that as much as possible.

Text fighting, email etc. could also work if you are able to write better than talk. There are times that DH doesn't answer me also because he is working and I am working and confrontation isn't helpful in those environments, but then we can talk about it later.

[laurack]

Well it sounds like he’s already treating you horribly in front of the kids - if you can’t confront him without them around that means the mean things he’s saying and doing are in front of them also right? So it’s not like you talking back and standing up for yourself would be worse than your children see you constantly belittled, treated badly, not treated with respect by their father.

Yes my husband and I have argued in front of the kids, but we try not to yell at each other in front of them. (Sure it’s happened though, such is life) You don’t need a discussion to have yelling in it though. But the kids have seen us argue and there has been tension. It’s not often. Our house is small as well (1200 square feet - not sure what level of tiny you are talking about though) but if we need to talk without them hearing us we can do so by closing our bedroom door and having a conversation in low voices.

[sdlaura]

Yes, we do. If anything I think I’m more likely to speak up if DH does or says something that bothers me when I’m in front of the kids, because I want them to see me call him on things that aren’t ok. If we argue in front of the kids, we also try to let them see the resolution of the argument, since we think that’s healthy. Often DH says something not nice, I call him on it, he gets defensive and storms off, we argue some more, then he calms down and apologizes. Usually it’s relatively productive.

4th grade DS1 did write on some kind of school assignment that it makes him sad when his parents fight (it was like lists of things that make him happy or sad). That made DH and me both be like ‘ugh, I wonder what his teacher thinks about that.’

The other day I was playing with our new puppy and DH said something like ‘playing with her like that is encouraging her to bite’ and DS1 said ‘making a comment like that is encouraging an argument’ - it was pretty funny

I try to be realistic with the kids about how we’re two adults with four kids and two full time jobs and we’re not going to agree on everything all the time, and sometimes we’ll argue. That’s part of life. I think if you can argue in a healthy way, that’s not a terrible thing. Sounds like you’re concerned that arguing wouldn’t be healthy in your relationship and that’s tough.

[mccallister84]

I think it’s really important to model healthy conflict and conflict resolution for our kids, as someone who did not have that model growing up. That being said the arguments we have in front of the kids are organic and happen in the moment. I would not bring up an ongoing issue in front of them, I would just wait until we were alone.

[underwaterrhymes]

Yes, we argue in front of the kids, but we never say mean things to one another, the arguments don’t last long and are over trivial things, and we apologize to each other in front of them too. We also say we are sorry to the kids if we overreact or yell at them for something, too. I think it can be really healthy for kids to see all emotions (from crying over sad things to being mad at someone) navigated in a constructive way.

[TR]

My advice, as always: Leave. Him.

[erbear]

We do, but we are in a healthy relationship and we don't say cruel things to one another. I think it's good for kids to see that people fight and they are ok and still love each other, but it doesn't sound like your H fights in a healthy way so maybe not so good for kids to see.

[TR]

And I know that's a simplified response, but there is no need to fight with this man. Just say, "Please don't speak to me that way" and then disengage. And then call a lawyer.

[underwaterrhymes]

Honestly, I think your husband is cruel to you and overall not a great partner. While I absolutely think learning how to stand up for yourself would be a useful and healthy tool for you, I think you (and your kids) would be exponentially happier by leaving this relationship. I know that is easier said than done, but you deserve so much more than this and you would have so many of us in your corner when you’re ready to go that route.

[mrsukyankee]

There is a difference between arguing, which is healthy and normal, and abuse, which is what he is doing. And you can say something to him - That is not appropriate to say to me. That is not something you should ever say to someone in front of children. Please go away and calm down. Stop being mean. Any of these are not confrontational but are stating a fact. It's showing your kids how to be in front of a bully/abuser. He is, unfortunately, showing them that you are less than and that he has all the power. He is an abuser.

[meanie]

Small arguments yes, bigger stuff happens after they go to bed. 

To be clear - we argue and disagree, we do not fight. There is no place or time for fighting, regardless of who is around to hear it.

[shinyhappy]

Feb 13, 2024 16:09:14 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Yes, we argue in front of the kids, but we never say mean things to one another, the arguments don’t last long and are over trivial things, and we apologize to each other in front of them too. We also say we are sorry to the kids if we overreact or yell at them for something, too. I think it can be really healthy for kids to see all emotions (from crying over sad things to being mad at someone) navigated in a constructive way.

Same with us.

[mrsukyankee]

If you are not already following Dr. LePera on Insta, I definitely suggest her for you: www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/

[1confused1]

Do you think “fighting” with him is even going to be worth it? I don’t think it’s going to make you feel any better and I get the feeling he isn’t going to hear you anyway.

You can have a conversation with your daughter alone and explain that you don’t appreciate the way you are being treated (assuming she is aware) and that you are working on a way to address this with your husband.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

[lust2hart]

I think it's okay to fight in front of your kids, IF you can do so in a healthy way that leads to some sort of resolution. I don't believe you'll be able to do this with your husband.

My mom was physically and verbally abusive to my brother and me. Most of the time she did her thing while my dad was gone, but if she snapped while he was home, he'd step in. And that almost always turned into a fight between the two of them.

I am so grateful to my dad for stepping in when he could, but also: I harbor a metric ton of resentment that he didn't leave her and take us with him.

[amandakisser]

So I was never able to stand up to my ex - if I told him not to talk to me a certain way he would get even more angry - whether I said it "nicely" or not. I work in therapy now to be more assertive in my current relationship (and - surprise! - I haven't needed to be "assertive" because my new partner respects me and never EVER is cruel to me. EVER.).

At this point I think you need to walk away from him when he does this and make a serious plan to leave. Because even if you do stand up for yourself, I fear it will make his cruelty and abuse worse and then your kids will have that as a core memory. I know it's easier said than done but sometimes we need "permission" to leave. You have done EVERYTHING you can to make this work and he has continued to treat you terribly. I am here to give you permission to leave and tell you you're not a bad person.

[W.T.Faulkner]

You deserve so, so much more than his fucking bullshit, L. With him I’d just repeatedly say “I am not engaging with you when you choose to speak to me this way. It’s harmful to me and the kids.” on repeat.

I really hope you can leave, or he can, soon. I know it’s hard. But it has been what, a decade? More? You’re amazing. You can do this alone and thrive. You already have been.

[beerlover]

OP, maybe I am misremembering but didn't you recently come into some inheritance that would make it easier for you to leave your H now? Time to kick his ass to the curb, he is never changing.

[Patsy Baloney]

My own experience: I will light him up in front of god and everybody if I so choose.

For more sensitive topics, “I would like to discuss this with you when the kids are in bed,” and let it sit until then. I’m usually much more calm and focused by then.

For this “man” that you have - just tell him to shut the fuck up. If you want to talk about it later when the kids aren’t around, say so. If you don’t, just keep telling him “shut up. Stop talking to me.” Etc. Why does he get to speak to you like you’re a dog and you just have to take it because “the kids are around”? I bet he’s never once thought of them being around.

I hope you finally get out. You can do it.

[fortnightlily]

DH and I both argue way more with DS than with each other, so I'm no help

[sparkythelawyer]

Friend. I love you to the moon and back. BUT COME ON.

[CurlyQ284]

I mean I get it, I have stayed with my H a long time. Thought about leaving many times and didn't because I was afraid of various things. My Hs big issue is not helping though.

So are you worried about financially making ends meet on just your income, or having a place to live?

[fernweh]

Feb 13, 2024 15:46:41 GMT -5 gummybear said:

Yes we do. If it makes you feel better during one of my very first CBT sessions my therapist asked if my parents fought and I said that in my entire life I have never seen them have a disagreement, all proud and shit, and she told me that’s actually bad bc we learn healthy conflict resolution in relationships by seeing our parents work things out. In the absence of that we learn to avoid, suppress feelings, and sweep things under the rug so as not to make waves. Hello, me.

It’s ok

Um wow. I never thought about it but this statement just shred so much light for me.

[livinitup]

People pleasing is often a learned trauma response. It’s a coping mechanism.

You can learn how to stand up for yourself in healthy ways that lean into your strengths. Yes, you will have to move out of your comfort zone but you can learn new ways to communicate. I do not suggest you learn how to “fight” because that is not actually healthy communication.

I also encourage you to really embrace that you cannot do or say anything to “get him”’to stop speaking cruelly to you. That’s on him. How you react, how you respond, and how you feel are the only things within your control.

My H is not a yeller or a fighter by nature. So, it’s not something that happens in general or in front of DD. Our issue is that he goes quiet and I get louder. So we have to do the hard work to get to the same place to communicate effectively.

[wanderingback]

Feb 13, 2024 16:19:05 GMT -5 mrsukyankee said:

There is a difference between arguing, which is healthy and normal, and abuse, which is what he is doing. And you can say something to him - That is not appropriate to say to me. That is not something you should ever say to someone in front of children. Please go away and calm down. Stop being mean. Any of these are not confrontational but are stating a fact. It's showing your kids how to be in front of a bully/abuser. He is, unfortunately, showing them that you are less than and that he has all the power. He is an abuser.

Yeah, this.
Abuse in front of kids I don’t think is healthy but you don’t have to put up with it by staying completely silent.

"Normal" bickering sure, but I think we know unfortunately that’s not where things are with you. I’m very sorry.
I left an emotionally abusive husband who would say nasty things to me occasionally and it is so freeing to leave.
To be honest, I didn’t even fight with him because I knew my worth. The biggest fuck you to him was by leaving.

[joy]

This isn’t fighting; this is abuse. Emotional abuse.