The other mom said she wants to help the kids mend their friendship but that is blatantly not true. She laid all her cards on the table when you said you would help guide your own child on how to manage friendships and her response was “So you’re saying the friendship is over.”
This woman clearly wants to manipulate and guilt your child and the daughter seems to be well on her way to completing a masterclass on manipulation as well.
You should continue to let your daughter know that she has done NOTHING wrong and she has no reason to apologize to this girl. Your daughter should continue to be involved with a wide circle of friends and not feel bad about it.
Post by DotAndBuzz on Apr 17, 2024 18:12:55 GMT -5
I haven’t read any of the replies, but WTAF to that mom calling your daughter, directly?! Absolutely NOT. Nope nope nope. That is so beyond inappropriate.
Middle school is when friendships shift, and that’s totally normal. It sucks, and girls especially can be jerks about it (went through it with my oldest one, currently in the middle with my 13 year old daughter), but it’s NORMAL for friends to grow apart. If one person is being hot and cold, it’s ok to draw a boundary and let a little distance grow there. It doesn’t mean you’re cutting them out of your life, forever and ever amen, but JFC these kids are 12, they don’t need to be forced to be tied together forever (referring to the other mom here).
My oldest one articulated it in saying “I don’t feel good about myself when I hang out with Suzy, so I’m. It talking to her as much.” And Suzy also drifted away. I’m still close with Suzy’s mom, but neither of us tried to force the girls’ friendships to continue.
Keep reassuring your daughter she’s allowed to change friendships, and if that means spelling out to Other Mom that kids can make their own choices, so be it. Sounds like she’s not all that great at boundaries either, 😳, so be blunt. No friendship loss there.
I've had similar issues between one of my sons and our next door neighbor (girl). Her mom is way too involved in her friendships and I'm of the opinion that they need to work things out themselves without having a parent meeting. They're a little younger but it really irks me that her mother insists on getting involved. It's caused some major rifts between our households but we have other issues with them too which probably makes things worse. She thinks she's protecting her daughter and empowering her but in reality the opposite is happening.
I totally blocked this out until just now, but I dated a guy in college and his mom was so mean the few days that I was around her (she lived on the other side of the state from my school). I figured she hated me. He broke up with me after about 8 or 9 months. She called me to ask what happened! I said ummm...ask your son? She was acting upset and said she would try to fix it. It was so crazy 😂
Post by fancynewbeesly on Apr 17, 2024 20:47:40 GMT -5
I am shocked and aghast on your behalf. I would never call or text DD's friends---the only time I think I did was when DD was literally eating dinner and asked me to reply to her friends that she couldn't talk now she was eating. Or something super minor like that.
I encourage DD to stay away from drama type kids. I also encourage her to have different types/groups of friends, so she isn't relying on just one friend-she has friends a grade below, friends in different schools, towns, etc so that she isn't just relying on one kid.
Post by rockymtngirl on Apr 17, 2024 23:43:23 GMT -5
Thanks everyone for the validation. I am still seething but trying to keep cool for Dd. It got worse as I pretty much knew it would. Dd asked friend when they could talk and friend asked her to meet tonight dd said it wouldn’t work because she already had plans to go to someone else’s house to work on a homework assignment and asked to meet tomorrow instead. Friend showed up at other kids house to inform dd that she is no longer willing to work things out and that they are no longer friends. Other friend was shocked and was very supportive to dd telling her that it’s important to stand up for herself, etc. dd is taking it okay and we had a great convo about it. Ultimately she’s resilient I just hate that it had to escalate to this.
Also, someone asked if mom’s texting as kids happens. I’m actually a psychologist and work a lot with kids / teens on friendship issues. Oh the irony!! lol. Anyways I have a few overbearing parents in this realm who have admitted to being very involved in friendships and taking over communication. I think if I didn’t have that frame of reference I never would have thought of it. It’s definitely me making assumptions but I wouldn’t put anything past this mom now!
Post by donutsmakemegonuts on Apr 18, 2024 7:07:52 GMT -5
Your update is unhinged. So this girl showed up at someone else's house to tell DD she didn't want to be friends anymore? Is this house nearby so that she could walk to it or bike or something? Because if not, then crazy mom probably drove her, which is also unhinged. I know that is the least important detail here lol, but geez.
omggg this family. It sounds like mom loves drama and is teaching the daughter her ways. Poor kid. You’re all better off cutting ties with them, although the petty side of me will admit I wish your DD had gotten to do it first. lol. Maybe this is also an early life lesson in not telling crazy people your whereabouts. I hope your DD isn’t too shaken by how this has played out. It sounds like she has other friends and an active life, so hopefully she can just take the lessons this situation has offered and move on.
Your update is unhinged. So this girl showed up at someone else's house to tell DD she didn't want to be friends anymore? Is this house nearby so that she could walk to it or bike or something? Because if not, then crazy mom probably drove her, which is also unhinged. I know that is the least important detail here lol, but geez.
Haha yes, we all live in the same neighbourhood so I guess she walked over.
Honestly after reading all this your kid is FAR better off for not having this "friend" anymore. I'm sure it's hard for her to go through but just reading this was exhausting, I can't imagine how much more so for your kid.
I feel sorry for the mom’s romantic partner whether that’s the kid’s father or someone else. Clearly this kid is seeing this kind of behavior modeled at home and how exhausting.
I would be SO fucking furious about another parent calling my kid, that is so inappropriate. I would probably tell DD it’s time for a break from them completely. The child is manipulative (clearly gets it from mom) and the mother is not a safe adult at all.
ETA I just saw the post about the other daughter walking over. Good riddance to that friendship, Jesus. As sad as it is, this is a great lesson for your DD on toxic relationships and how we’re better off without them. As you know, you’re a pro. Lol!
Thanks everyone for the validation. I am still seething but trying to keep cool for Dd. It got worse as I pretty much knew it would. Dd asked friend when they could talk and friend asked her to meet tonight dd said it wouldn’t work because she already had plans to go to someone else’s house to work on a homework assignment and asked to meet tomorrow instead. Friend showed up at other kids house to inform dd that she is no longer willing to work things out and that they are no longer friends. Other friend was shocked and was very supportive to dd telling her that it’s important to stand up for herself, etc. dd is taking it okay and we had a great convo about it. Ultimately she’s resilient I just hate that it had to escalate to this.
Also, someone asked if mom’s texting as kids happens. I’m actually a psychologist and work a lot with kids / teens on friendship issues. Oh the irony!! lol. Anyways I have a few overbearing parents in this realm who have admitted to being very involved in friendships and taking over communication. I think if I didn’t have that frame of reference I never would have thought of it. It’s definitely me making assumptions but I wouldn’t put anything past this mom now!
What.the.ffffuuuuuuu?!?
Jesus, at this point I would be considering a restraining order for both mom and daughter!
Post by basilosaurus on Apr 19, 2024 4:24:19 GMT -5
This is insane. Going to another kid's house to say "we're done!" like it's a petty romantic tiff. I'd fear it escalating even more. Certainly there are no adults in that kid's life that have an ounce of sense.
DD is 12 and going through it with a friend. They were BEST FRIENDS last year and over the summer. Like, they were always at each others houses and spending the night multiple times a week. Then school started, her friend did new activities and made new friends and basically ignores DD now. Told her "I don't want to be your friend" just last week. Never have I thought about contacting the girl or mom to ask what is going on. Friendships change and it sucks to watch my DD get heartbroken and be left behind, but it happens. My job is to ask DD if we can help or do anything to talk it out with her for future friendships... not contact a kid.
Don't manage your kid's friendships for them. Full stop. At a certain age (and certainly by 12) coach your own kid on how to handle things if they are asking. The one kid in my son's class whose mom calls everyone is just mercilessly tortured for needing his mom to handle his fights for him (these are 14 year olds). Kids might be kind of mean about it but they aren't wrong. They need to learn to fix this stuff on their own. I have contacted my 7th graders teacher over conduct from another kid in class but it involved groping and my son was super uncomfortable asking for help.