Okay, I got to get this out. Marriage issue

[hannamaren]

My H loves me and I love him and all is well, etc.

But sometimes he is (for lack of a better word) mean to me.
Example. Last week we ordered pizza and it wasnt done enough so I suggested we put it in our oven for a few minutes. He agreed. I stuck it in. He went to the kitchen a few minutes later to take it out. He said, "you out it on the top tray? Why would you do that? Sometimes I wonder about you. You are hopeless"
(this obviously stems from a series of other "mistakes" I have made over the years in the kitchen. I rarely add salt, I forgot an ingredient, etc) Which then leads to a similar "hopeless comment"

Now before you all jump to emotional abuse, 99% of the time, he goes out of his way to say thankyou and "cheer" me on as I try new things (cooking, cleaning things I dont normally clean, etc)

But then if you think I am over - reacting, tonight I made tea for his parents and he came home while I was doing it. It was obviously over brewed. I noticed and said "do you think its too dark?" to my H as I poured it. He said yes and suggested I add more water. He didnt say anything mean, etc. however his parents were here. He went back to work. I am waiting now for him to come home and tell me How he cant believe I cant make tea. He may not do that.

I told him on Friday that he better start talking nicer to me and stop and remember the only person he should treat better than me is our daughter. I told him if he wants to say something to me it better be something he would feel comfortable saying to his coworker because I deserve that much respect. When he said I was over reacting, I mentioned divorce if this attitude continues. Then he seemed to understand and reflect.
Basically, since then he seems to be thinking more before he talks, so who knows?

But if he did come home and say "sheesh, hanna, you cant even make tea?" I could also react by saying, "I know. I was being pulled in all directions by your Mom and the baby, so the tea suffered" or should I react by saying "holy fuck, H, its just tea"

[hannamaren]

Please domt call my H names. That is not productive.
Or if I am over reacting, dont call me names, lol.

[Deleted]

It kind of sounds like he was joking about the pizza and the pizza and tea are both no big deal imo. But I can see how these might be examples of how he can talk down to you. My H and I play around all of the time with these little insults (like how bad my singing is or how his cooking is), but we do tell eachother when it gets out of hand. Like, I will say you are starting to hurt my feelings and he gets the point. I would not overreact about the tea. I think you are overreacting if you are mentioning divorce in this instance. I don't know if it is a bigger problem in your relationship though.

[shopgirl07]

So basically what you're saying is he's a good husband who treats you well but once in a while gets annoyed with you and says something less than flowery. Is that about right?

[hannamaren]

He isnt joking. I reread my OP and I realize it is hard to convey what is going on. And I am also being careful not to make it into something beyond what it is.

I know mentioning divorce is never good unless you are very serious, but to tell you the truth, he never gets it. I had to wake him up.

[formerlyak]

Well, since you don't want to hear about emotional abuse ...

I'll just say that this is how things started with my ex husband. Note the ex. I don't think you should have to tell you spouse that you deserve respect. I think that is implied in a spousal relationship.

Also, with the no salt or the tea thing ... lot's of people don't cook with salt in their homes to allow for the people eating to salt to their own preferences. My mom never did (and she taught it that way in the home ec classes she taught). I don't salt things. No one has ever tole me my food is bad because of it. And tea is all a preference thing. Some people LOVE dark brewed tea. Others, like my grandma, dip the bag in once or twice and call it done. The things he is berating you about are all personal preference, and just because you do it differently than he does doesn't mean he is right.

I don't think you are overreacting.

[Myrrhine]

Is he willing to change dirty diapers these days? (I think that was your H; my apologies if not!) That might affect my answer. (eta: because if not, I think you are a saint forever, and he should only speak to you in sonnets, very complimentary sonnets!)

If I were you, I would be annoyed that he was so down on me, even if it was just occasionally. And I would be annoyed again if he accused me of overreacting. My H doesn't say anything like that to me, but he does accuse me of being too sensitive sometimes, which is infuriating. Anyway, does this criticism happen pretty often that you brought up divorce?

[hannamaren]

Oct 16, 2012 18:37:33 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

So basically what you're saying is he's a good husband who treats you well but once in a while gets annoyed with you and says something less than flowery. Is that about right?

Maybe. But the less than flowery things hit me hard. They are very mean.

[Willis Jackson]

Are you looking for feedback? I can't tell.

[emilyinchile]

Oct 16, 2012 18:30:47 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

But if he did come home and say "sheesh, hanna, you cant even make tea?" I could also react by saying, "I know. I was being pulled in all directions by your Mom and the baby, so the tea suffered" or should I react by saying "holy fuck, H, its just tea"

Neither. It's not about the tea. Be proactive and have a conversation about the underlying issue - from that, you can figure out whether he's a dick, he's oblivious, or you're overreacting, and you can go from there.

[Deleted]

Do much of my reaction would depend on the tone in which these things are said. I don't like "hopeless" said by others but would say the same thing jokingly about myself so could see if it were said in the right tone it could really be teasing. It sounds like you have a communication issue. Have you said "When you say X it really hurts my feelings? Is that what you intend?"

ETA I see that he is not teasing. "Hopeless" in that case would be nearly a dealbreaker for me. Did you call him "hopeless" when he screwed up and lost his job?

[steph96]

Why shouldn't you put it on the top rack of the oven? Apparently I'm hopeless too.

Obviously what he says upsets you, so it is an issue.

Just because he says than you and cheers you on doesn't mean that anything else isn't emotional abuse (I'm not saying that he is or isn't emotionally abusing you). For example, Someone can have a nice, polite husband that beats the crap out of them if they get home late. It is still abuse even if he is sweet.

[BAMFMrsB]

Oct 16, 2012 18:30:47 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

But then if you think I am over - reacting, tonight I made tea for his parents and he came home while I was doing it. It was obviously over brewed. I noticed and said "do you think its too dark?" to my H as I poured it. He said yes and suggested I add more water. He didnt say anything mean, etc. however his parents were here. He went back to work. I am waiting now for him to come home and tell me How he cant believe I cant make tea. He may not do that.

Think about this part. You are on pins & needles waiting for him to come home, to berate you, over MOTHER EFFING TEA.

^o) ^o) ^o)

those are for your husband, not you.

Straight up, call him out on this bullshit. Ask him if he is embarrassed to berate you in front of others (otherwise, he'd have said it in frot of his parents). He knows its not ok to treat you that way, or else he wouldn't hide it. :@

[flygirl22]

Have you ever brought this up before you mentioned Divorce? I only ask because he may not realize he is doing it. You need to talk with him about it, and make sure he realizes what exactly he says that hurts you. None of the things you mentioned above seem that bad, but it really depends on how frequently they happen, and how he is saying them. In my house, like someone mentioned above, all of this would be said in a joking manner..

[HoneySpider]

You say he seems to understand when you bring up divorce....but is he actually changing at all? Doesn't sound like it from how you describe it. How many times have you threatened divorce? Have you ever sat down and talked about it outside of an incident happening?

I don't think you're overreacting, obviously it's something that bothers you and needs to be addressed. I'm just trying to understand what communication has or has not taken place. I would be pissed if my H talked to me like that (in a non-joking manner)

And JFC can't his mom make her own damn cup of tea? Then you don't have to guess how she wants it.

[fuddyduddy]

I don't think you are overreacting. My STBXH would sometimes (rarely) make similar remarks. It made me feel very disrespected.

Does your husband have a difficult time putting himself in other people's shoes? Is he introspective? I ask these questions because I noticed an overall lack of empathy and limited interest in self-evaluation in my STBXH and I think those character traits made him more likely to say/do those kinds of things. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to change something so innate.

[gibbinator]

These examples sound to me like harmless teasing that has gotten old. Like when you're a relatively knew couple and you pick on eachother for fun then years go by and it just becomes annoying and degrading

I had a similar complaint about dh a few years ago because he had a tendancy to insult my intelligence around people. I told him to stop, he'd apologise, forget and it woukd be back to normal next outing. One day my mother called me worried he was emotionally abusive. I told him that and he finally got the idea and stopped.

Besides telling him to quit it and calling him on it immediately I'm not sure what you could do....maybe an "insult jar"?

[hbomdiggity]

My h can be over-critical at times. The only thing you can do is talk to him. I can take some picking on (we are both sarcastic and can handle some shit talking) but sometimes I'm not in the mood and had enough. When he is being critical, I am more inclined to say fuck off, I'm not perfect. That's when he realizes he has gone too far an needs to back off.

[dexteroni]

I don't think you're overreacting. I know you asked us not to say it, but his meanness is indeed emotional abuse. It doesn't have to be intentional for it to be abusive. He's got you walking on eggshells every time you do something because you don't know if he's going to be nice or mean. I've heard people say similar things about living with an alcoholic or an addict. You never know which person you're going to get. That lack of security has no place in a marriage IMO.

Moreover, what would bother me about the example you gave is how detached it makes him seem from you. I can't imagine any instance where I would say "Sometimes I wonder about you. You are hopeless" to my DH. It just sounds so....well, like you said, mean. And shitty.

From this and other things that you've posted, your marriage sounds rather one-sided. To me it sounds like you do all the work and your husband basically does whatever he pleases. And you go out of your way to make sure he can. Now he's mean to you on top of it? I really don't know what you get out of your marriage. I know you always say you love him and he loves you, etc. but hopefully there's a vast world of wonderful marriage stuff that you just aren't reporting to us, because to be quite honest I can't think of a single good thing.

[Deleted]

I agree tone matters. I will assume that since you are upset by it, he wasn't joking around with you when he called you hopeless. whether or not he respects you, he's not showing respect to you when he talks down to you.

however, I'm confused by your second example. he hasn't actually said anything about the tea, right? your evidence is something he might do?

either way, this part:
"I told him on Friday that he better start talking nicer to me and stop and remember the only person he should treat better than me is our daughter. I told him if he wants to say something to me it better be something he would feel comfortable saying to his coworker because I deserve that much respect. When he said I was over reacting, I mentioned divorce if this attitude continues. Then he seemed to understand and reflect"

sounds really strange to me because it doesn't sound like you actually had a conversation. you told him what he "should" do and what he "better not do" and then threatened to divorce him? I'd imagine that most people wouldn't respond well to that, so you may want to reevaluate how you communicate with your husband.

birdgirl gave a great sentence frame, and I'd also try starting with "I" statements - "I feel ____ when this happens" or "I need to feel more support from you through ______ ." whatever. it seems less accusatory than just telling someone he better be a good boy, lol.

[Willis Jackson]

I think you need to decide what you want and then stand up for yourself. In your marriage, in your parenting decisions, on GBCN, etc. I see you bending over backwards to please everyone but yourself.

[Deleted]

thats really sad. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to do this - he wasn't 'mean' per se, but he COULD be and over really random things. My mom is the same way - I do think its a form of abuse, however mild it may be.

I don't think you are overreacting and I do think it is important to bring up with your DH.

[gibbinator]

I can't modify my post for some reason, just wanted to add that I see now you said he's not joking

[dexteroni]

Also, I think your habit of overlooking his bad behavior is why this problem is so serious right now. It sounds like you've endured this treatment for the 10+ years you've been together and you haven't said anything about it. Now you're so far beyond sick of it that you're bringing up divorce, and he's like "huh?" If you had shut this (and a lot of other) shit down 10 years ago, and given him reminders/warnings when he slips, I think you would have a much better marriage dynamic now.

[ssmjlm]

When DH and I were first married, he was still carrying baggage from his last marriage and how they would fight. And he would fight mean. One time he went over the edge and said something about me personally. I looked at him and told him if he ever talked that way to me again I was taking the dog and leaving.

You have to stand up for yourself and your daughter. If you wan to make this work, then I recommend counseling. He's saying these things and they're hurting you and making you nervous about when he comes home. That's not normal or ok.

Hugs, no one is perfect and no marriage is. I truly think that a counselor can help.

[hannamaren]

Oct 16, 2012 18:43:44 GMT -5 BAMFMrsB said:

Oct 16, 2012 18:30:47 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

But then if you think I am over - reacting, tonight I made tea for his parents and he came home while I was doing it. It was obviously over brewed. I noticed and said "do you think its too dark?" to my H as I poured it. He said yes and suggested I add more water. He didnt say anything mean, etc. however his parents were here. He went back to work. I am waiting now for him to come home and tell me How he cant believe I cant make tea. He may not do that.

Think about this part. You are on pins & needles waiting for him to come home, to berate you, over MOTHER EFFING TEA.



those are for your husband, not you.

Straight up, call him out on this bullshit. Ask him if he is embarrassed to berate you in front of others (otherwise, he'd have said it in frot of his parents). He knows its not ok to treat you that way, or else he wouldn't hide it.

This is what I plan to say if he raises the issue. "i have been on pins all night that you were going to say something about the tea" so he gets it. And also, I always comment that in a hundred years, are we going to care about tea?
And no, he wasnt always like this. I feel like he technically wants me ti be a better person (not change me, but help me make better tea) but doesnt know how to give feedback.

[hannamaren]

And gibbinator, I think it started as sarcastic comments and joking but then he forgets or something.

After I got through to him on Friday, he seemed to get it. He seemed terrified all weekend to say much of anything to me. Maybe he wont say anything about the tea and we have succeeded and I got through to him.

If he says nothing, would you still mention it? That I expected him to come home and say something? Or is that creating an issue out of nothing?

[Deleted]

This is a combination of two things:
(1) Your husband is overly critical. He could ease up a little on you.
(2) You are overly sensitive. You could toughen up a bit.

The combination is a recipe for both anger and hurt feelings.

[whitemerlot]

I'm sorry you are being treated that way. You seem like a nice person and you deserve better. I hope he gets it. Let us know how it goes.

[hannamaren]

Oct 16, 2012 19:01:44 GMT -5 @misoangry said:

This is a combination of two things:
(1) Your husband is overly critical. He could ease up a little on you.
(2) You are overly sensitive. You could toughen up a bit.

The combination is a recipe for both anger and hurt feelings.

How do you know me so well?

Also, like someone else said, I try to make everyone happy all the time.

When I was a kid, my sister would poke me, and poke me a hundred times. I would say nothing. Finally, I would turn around and slap her. That seems to be the way I function.