If he says nothing, would you still mention it? That I expected him to come home and say something? Or is that creating an issue out of nothing?
Yes. He needs to realize that even though he might not be thinking of his outbursts, you still are, and you basically always are. You need to make him aware of his much this bothers you.
Post by sweetnsour on Oct 16, 2012 19:14:33 GMT -5
It isn't his job to make you better that is up to you and if you don't give a shit whether the tea is dark then he shouldn't. He can always add water to his tea. I think you need to tell him you don't appreciate the comments when he says them.
And gibbinator, I think it started as sarcastic comments and joking but then he forgets or something.
After I got through to him on Friday, he seemed to get it. He seemed terrified all weekend to say much of anything to me. Maybe he wont say anything about the tea and we have succeeded and I got through to him.
If he says nothing, would you still mention it? That I expected him to come home and say something? Or is that creating an issue out of nothing?
I think it's really telling that you're worried about what he will say over the tea.
That's no way to live.
This. Let the tea thing go. It's passed. No need to discuss it tonight. Nothing in his remark is insulting or condescending.
But definitely tell him that next time he says things like that, that it hurts your feelings. You may be overreacting or not, but if it still offends you, he needs to effing stop.
My parents treated me similar to how your H treats you. He will treat your child(ren) how he treats you.
Oh shit. I didn't even think about that, but she's right. If you think his meanness is doing a number on you, imagine what it will do your little girl. It will destroy her self-confidence, and your acceptance of it will teach her that it's ok for men to treat her badly.
My parents treated me similar to how your H treats you. He will treat your child(ren) how he treats you.
Oh shit. I didn't even think about that, but she's right. If you think his meanness is doing a number on you, imagine what it will do your little girl. It will destroy her self-confidence, and your acceptance of it will teach her that it's ok for men to treat her badly.
Exactly. I'm doing a lot better these days but for a long while I was constantly paralyzed by fear of not doing something right, because everything I did was wrong.
Was your husband raised in another culture or am I confusing you with someone else? Do you think this is his general attitude towards women? Does your FIL treat MIL that way?
To be honest, it doesn't seem that mean to me, but that's because I probably would have said something back right away. I think miso's right in her analysis.
I agree that this is a twofold issue and you are part of the problem. Why are you worrying that he's going to say something mean about tea? If he does, tell him to fuck off and move on. If my H criticized how I made tea, I would hand him back a sarcastic comment about people who care how their tea is steeped and we would both laugh. Or I would ask him if he married me for my tea-making skills.
However, when H really crosses a line, i call it out. Say "that's an example of a critical comment from our discussion the other day. Don't talk to me that way." Don't hem and haw or apologize for being offended. Just look him in the eye and say it. If he does anything except apologize, just stand there and wait, or walk away. Don't just verbally insist that you be treated with respect, let your actions follow your words.
I've lived through this. My father was very critical of my mother and was very critical of me. He never changed. My parents got divorced, and my mother is now married to a really kind and caring man.
And, to this day, I don't really like my father that much. To give you an idea of how strained our relationship is, he lives only six minutes away from me, and I haven't spoken to him since June.
Now is the time to solve this issue, my friend. I don't recommend silence.
Was your husband raised in another culture or am I confusing you with someone else? Do you think this is his general attitude towards women? Does your FIL treat MIL that way?
He is from another culture, but his FAther is the kindest man in the world. I often tell my H to ask himself "what would my Dad say" in random situations in his life. However, his mother can be critical. Not to me. But I see it in the way she talks about family friends, etc. There was a famous story about the drama when his Aunt couldnt make jello. Who the freak cares about jello?
I'm sorry, Hanna. I am very sensitive and those comments would probably bother me. H jokes around sometimes a little bit too much and I let him know when he went too far. Make sure that he knows that these things bother you. You should definitely not be "on edge" waiting for him to be angry. That is not right. It's just tea. (I know its about more than the tea so maybe that is irrevalent) You deserve to be respected. If he doesnt like how you cook than he can cook his own meals. *hugs* Stand up for yourself!
Post by GailGoldie on Oct 16, 2012 19:58:12 GMT -5
there's a way a man could say "you're hopeless" in a way that means he thinks it's so cute how you do xyz all the time, etc... and there is a way that makes you feel the way you do - and it's NOT ok.
i was with a verbally abusive man for 7 years. I felt the way you do all the time... walking on egg shells hoping that he wouldn't be upset about something (something small and stupid). You are feeling that way - waiting for him to come home and bitch about tea. It's NOT ok.
talk to him about it- when everything is going well, not in the middle of an argument, etc... let him know how it makes you feel, and that it can NOT continue. Especially b/c you have a child... your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit if this keeps up (and yes, it's like shit... small thigns like that = shitty and wrong).
get counseling if he doesn't change (like, right away change, not months of "i'm trying".. b/c if he's an easy fix it should be changed immediately when he realizes... if not, he needs counseling)
and this may or may not seem like it's related - but this site might help him... b/c he needs to be a man and be a better father to his daughter --- the best way he can is to be good to his wife. www.BeAManUniversity.com
I have to say something re all the "your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit."
This may not happen. Obviously, my own experience is purely anecdotal, but, if anything, that treatment made me sassier, more outspoken, and stronger. You wouldn't believe the fights I used to have with my father. He'd step all over my mother.
Unlike many (most?) of the previous posters, I don't think he is necessarily abusive. I think that perhaps you have fallen into a routine of being over-accommodating and nice, while he has become a little selfish. I would call him on his shit. Calmly but really firmly. I wouldn't get overly emotional, but I would explain that it needs to stop now and that I wasn't putting up with that kind of treatment any more. And if it continued, I would insist on counseling so that he could learn more effective ways of communicating.
It's just a culmination of a lot of things over time that can really push you to the edge.
I think this is such a good point and it sounds like it's very relevant to hanna's situation. This isn't about tea or pizza. It's about years of a pattern of mistreatment.
Farmville, I'm not as familiar with your situation as many others seem to be, but I hope you find happiness too. Are you in counseling?
I would say you are overreacting except that I think the whole waiting-around-for- the-tea comments is disturbing. I don't wait around for H to berate me. Over TEA. Sooooo......yeah I think that is symbolic of a greater issue and I do think it needs to be addressed. You say these comments are mean. DH is not mean to me. Yes we have fights, but he is not mean to me.
dex - I won't hijack but yes we did counseling individually. Never got to the together part bc basically we both thought it was a waste of time. Counseling only works if you want it to. I guess we didn't care too much. #womp
I'm sorry. But you're planning to stay together anyway? Or no?
I have to say something re all the "your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit."
This may not happen. Obviously, my own experience is purely anecdotal, but, if anything, that treatment made me sassier, more outspoken, and stronger. You wouldn't believe the fights I used to have with my father. He'd step all over my mother.
But I am not my mother.
Hey, I gotta find a silver lining here. LOL.
This is me, I'm like Miso. However, my sister? Just like Hanna.
I think that you need to start standing up for yourself more.
I have to say something re all the "your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit."
This may not happen. Obviously, my own experience is purely anecdotal, but, if anything, that treatment made me sassier, more outspoken, and stronger.
Yes, this could go either way, but it's not really worth the risk, you know? "We thought the years of mistreatment would make you sassy. Sorry it made you a doormat. Oh well. Maybe your sister will rebel." There are other, and far more preferable, ways of raising a strong, sassy daughter. Like being a strong role model.
I have to say something re all the "your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit."
This may not happen. Obviously, my own experience is purely anecdotal, but, if anything, that treatment made me sassier, more outspoken, and stronger. You wouldn't believe the fights I used to have with my father. He'd step all over my mother.
Post by hannamaren on Oct 16, 2012 20:27:27 GMT -5
Dexteroni, lol. Put that in the column of pros to have 2 kids. At least one wont be a doormat. Lol. Totally kidding!
And farmer, I know you have issues, but I like my husband. We laugh together. Right now, I wish he was home. I am sorry for your relationship and it may have similar parts to yours, and I heed your warning.
I feel like I can totally relate to you. My husband will say things that I perceive as very mean. I will be upset about it for days and if I try to bring it up he will say it was just a joke or that it was no big deal. I struggle with needing to be perfect in his eyes and felt that these comments meant he perceived me as weak or dumb. In reality, he doesn't think I am weak or dumb and my need for him to view me as perfect was a wedge in our relationship.
After over a year of therapy, we are currently making headway with this issue. He has learned that he has to say things to me differently. Even if he doesn't say them to be mean, if they make me feel bad, it's not okay. I have learned that I need to not take everything so personally. He might put down how I am doing something, but it isn't necessarily a reflection of his overall view of me. Sometimes spouses get annoyed and say something harsh, but he doesn't expect me to be prfect (and I'm not). He has also learned to apologize when he says something mean in the heat of the moment.
It's a struggle. I can tell that he thinks more before he says things. I also let things roll off my shoulders a little more easily. Hopefully you guys can find a middle ground, because I know that living your life on eggshells is no fun and can cause other problems.
I also wanted to let you know that I appreciate your honesty.
I have to say something re all the "your daughter will learn to let men treat her like shit."
This may not happen. Obviously, my own experience is purely anecdotal, but, if anything, that treatment made me sassier, more outspoken, and stronger. You wouldn't believe the fights I used to have with my father. He'd step all over my mother.
But I am not my mother.
Hey, I gotta find a silver lining here. LOL.
Of course. I still really try to lead by example with my kids. Which may end up having no effect on how they treat relationships, but I have to pretend I can control these things.
I feel like I can totally relate to you. My husband will say things that I perceive as very mean. I will be upset about it for days and if I try to bring it up he will say it was just a joke or that it was no big deal. I struggle with needing to be perfect in his eyes and felt that these comments meant he perceived me as weak or dumb. In reality, he doesn't think I am weak or dumb and my need for him to view me as perfect was a wedge in our relationship.
After over a year of therapy, we are currently making headway with this issue. He has learned that he has to say things to me differently. Even if he doesn't say them to be mean, if they make me feel bad, it's not okay. I have learned that I need to not take everything so personally. He might put down how I am doing something, but it isn't necessarily a reflection of his overall view of me. Sometimes spouses get annoyed and say something harsh, but he doesn't expect me to be prfect (and I'm not). He has also learned to apologize when he says something mean in the heat of the moment.
It's a struggle. I can tell that he thinks more before he says things. I also let things roll off my shoulders a little more easily. Hopefully you guys can find a middle ground, because I know that living your life on eggshells is no fun and can cause other problems.
I also wanted to let you know that I appreciate your honesty.
Wow crazygame. This is me. I think you are right with the needing him to think that I am perfect. And somehow thinking that pizza making is part of his overall view of me. But he also shouldnt be mean.
Over the years, we have come up with words we never use. "always, never, hopeless," and it is really helpful to avoid them. And there was a time that he would complain about something I did and I would deflect it on him and not hear him. I had to make an effort to listen and acknowledge.
You would think that by now, all the kinks would work out. But I guess you are always learning to live with another person and deal with their bad and good days.
Post by UnderProtest on Oct 16, 2012 21:05:00 GMT -5
Hanna, you really need to stick up for yourself in this situation and many others. Quit accepting that he can talk to you like that, not help around the house, etc. You are his partner in life, he chose that, so he needs to show it. And you need to expect it. No more being afraid of what he might say. Who the eff cares if you can make tea or put the pizza on the right shelf? You are an intelligent, professional woman. Your profession isn't for dummies and you aren't one.
All in all it sounds like a lot of communication issues. Of course counseling would be the most effective, but I understand your schedules may not permit that. So I would suggest sitting down with him and telling him how it makes you feel and that you want your daughter to see a great example of how a man should treat a woman. Start telling him right away when he says stuff that hurts your feelings (like the hopeless comment). ***Tell him how it makes you feel. Ask him what he would feel like if someone at work talked to him like that. Have a trigger word that you can say that indicates he crossed the line without making a big deal of it (especially in front of other people). Good luck. You and your family deserve better.
Edit *** But it can't be everything he says. You do need to learn to brush off the little stuff.