Being worried about what he's going to say resonates with me. The disrespect he is showing you is not okay. I'm a people pleaser, which I'm sure you all know, and I tend to be tenderhearted. it took me a long time to deal with H because of those things, I thought it was me taking it too personally. Don't be like me, deal with these things now. Hopefully your H just isn't thinking and will be able to make changes.
Obviously it's not tea and pizza were talking about here. You need to communicate your feelings without threatening divorce and getting over dramatic. (Frankly you both sound a little dramatic)
I think his response to how he is hurting you is most important. When we first had our son, tension was a high between my dh and I. I would say "I'm tired" and he would respond "YOUR tired" with an attitude. He did it a few things and it really pissed me off. I took the simple comeback as an attack on if were both doing our jobs equally (home and baby etc. ) I sat and stewed every time. Until one day, I calmly told him how it really bothered me. I was able to communicate without becoming overly emotional. He looked at me and "I had no idea. It won't happen again". And it hasn't since. I tell you this because I stewed with hurt feelings i.e tea and my dh has no idea how I felt. If he loves you, communication is the key.
He looked at me and "I had no idea. It will happen again".
I know you meant that he said it will *not* happen again, but the thought of him turning to you thoughtfully and sweetly assuring you that it will indeed happen again made me chuckle. "Honey...I'm so sorry. But I will be doing this again and again, mark my words." lol.
He looked at me and "I had no idea. It will happen again".
I know you meant that he said it will *not* happen again, but the thought of him turning to you thoughtfully and sweetly assuring you that it will indeed happen again made me chuckle. "Honey...I'm so sorry. But I will be doing this again and again, mark my words." lol.
How do you think he would react if, after he called you hopeless, you said to him something like, "wow you must be the hopeless one: you married me!" Just curious…
Hanna, I understand where you are coming from and I don't think you are being overly sensitive. I don't think your DH has a right to say things to you that are mean, even if he doesn't mean for you to take it as personally as you do. He still shouldn't do it.
I struggle with this sometimes as well, and I understand your comments about how he's very supportive of you the rest of the time. That's how my DH is too, until you catch him in a bad mood or push a button by accident and he is quick to say something mean or get angry out of nowhere. I don't think I'd label my own DH as being abusive when he does that, simply because I know he has a bad temper and is quick to say things he doesn't mean in general. I've seen it time and again with the way he handles other people, too. He just has poor impulse control and I don't take it personally. Most of the time these days I just roll my eyes to myself and ignore him when he gets like that, because I know he's just being ridiculous and he'll get over it and move on quickly if I don't goad him. If I get nasty back then it turns into a fight, so that's not really productive IMO.
Sometimes it makes me angry on principle, though, because I don't agree with talking to people the way he talks sometimes and it is really disrespectful. I also worry that if we do ever have kids, I do NOT want them to be exposed to the kind of temper/language he uses at times. I will say that these issues happen less and less as the years wear on, and partly because he's become more aware of his behavior and I do think he's tried to modify it. (please don't quote, I may delete that part later...)
Anyway, I don't really have a great solution but I think that either counseling to figure out how to communicate better and/or doing what you're doing - pointing out that it is NOT ok to treat you like that and you are not going to put up with it indefinitely, nor do you want your daughter to be treated that way or see you treated that way - may get through to him. Maybe not today, maybe not next week, but if you are consistent in your refusal to accept that treatment perhaps it will improve. Or maybe it won't. Time will tell.
Post by vanillacourage on Oct 16, 2012 22:59:51 GMT -5
Threatening divorce over tea?
I mean, I know it's not JUST about the tea, but I think it's risky to bust out with the big D word with little or no backstory, or at least so it would appear to your DH.
When he says stuff like the hopeless comment, do you look right at him and say "why would you say something like that to me?". Call him on his shit - but at least give him a chance to know that the stakes are high before threatening to walk. You have a kid now, you don't just threaten to leave your spouse out of the blue. Good luck.
I know I tend to be overly sensitive, so I can imagine exactly what a comment like your DH's would make me feel - like I'd been slapped. And honestly, my DH makes weird common-sense type mistakes all the freaking time that make me think "how on earth do you not know how to do that?" But I can not imagine ever saying anything like what your DH has said to you. Calling you hopeless? I might have dumped the hot pizza on his fucking head.
I told him on Friday that he better start talking nicer to me and stop and remember the only person he should treat better than me is our daughter. I told him if he wants to say something to me it better be something he would feel comfortable saying to his coworker because I deserve that much respect. When he said I was over reacting, I mentioned divorce if this attitude continues. Then he seemed to understand and reflect. Basically, since then he seems to be thinking more before he talks, so who knows?
But if he did come home and say "sheesh, hanna, you cant even make tea?" I could also react by saying, "I know. I was being pulled in all directions by your Mom and the baby, so the tea suffered" or should I react by saying "holy fuck, H, its just tea"
I don't think you're overreacting at all. However, I think there are more productive ways to approach the conversation other than telling him to speak differently to you or else you'll divorce him.
In terms of how you should respond to him, I would approach the conversation like this... "DH, do you remember the other night when you made the comment to me about XXX? Well, that really hurt my feelings. I have noticed lately that you have been making a lot of comments like that (list specific examples). These types of comments make me feel _____ (belittled/self-conscious/embarrassed). I don't want the type of marriage where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't do anything right, and that is how I'm currently feeling." Then tell him what you need from him, and discuss what you would want to happen next if he doesn't stop. Then follow through.
Even if he doesn't say something to you about the tea, just the fact that you are playing the scenario out in your head should be a red flag that something needs to change.
Apparently there are other issues that have been going on and I'm not familiar with them. But if the relationship is one-sided, maybe this conversation would be a good time to point out that you didn't have time to pay attention to the tea because you were too busy taking care of X,Y, and Z by yourself.
My parents treated me similar to how your H treats you. He will treat your child(ren) how he treats you.
Oh shit. I didn't even think about that, but she's right. If you think his meanness is doing a number on you, imagine what it will do your little girl. It will destroy her self-confidence, and your acceptance of it will teach her that it's ok for men to treat her badly.
This is so incredibly true.
My dad has belittled my mom for as long as I can remember. Things he would say were incredibly hurtful to her even though he always claimed he was joking. He then did the same thing to me growing up which has led to a strained relationship between us.
I hope you can resolve this, hanna. I can tell you first hand, it sucked to grow up in a household where this was a common occurance.
Hey Blessed, sorry to hear it but I'm glad you're in a better place. I thought I noticed something on FB about you guys not being in the same location but I thought I just didn't have all the info or something.
ETA: I 100% agree with your comment that you can still have a good time with someone 99% of the time and still be treated poorly that 1% of the time, and sometimes that's enough to kill a marriage. Heck, you can still love someone and not be able to be married to them. Rarely is someone 100% the good guy or the bad guy, and I think that's what makes situations like this even harder to resolve.
I could have written portions of this post myself. FIL treats MIL very poorly, and DH hates it. However, he will say things to me like your H says to you. No matter what I say, it doesn't stop, but I call him out on it right away and point out that he is treating me like his dad treats his mom. That makes him stop for a while, until I have to do it over again. I do everything around the house, with DS, I work full time, etc., so I deserve more respect than what I get. His comments used to bother me, but now I have no problem telling him to fuck off...lol.
I would tell him if he can't stop the "hopeless" comments - then HE is the one who is hopeless and you will be out the door. Marriage couseling. If you are insecure about cooking and want to improve (not because of his behavior) then take a cooking class.
I'm late to this but hugs, Hanna. I'm a people pleaser too and can be self-deprecating in ways that lead to others poking fun of me and that can really hurt. I think outside of working on your communication issues you should focus on your self esteem. Its a struggle for me too but you have to work at it.
This is a combination of two things: (1) Your husband is overly critical. He could ease up a little on you. (2) You are overly sensitive. You could toughen up a bit.
The combination is a recipe for both anger and hurt feelings.
I totally agree with this. I am not a great cook and it took me awhile to even regularly make dinner bc DH is a great cook and would micro manage me in the kitchen (he was trying to help, but acting like your DH), so it made me never want to do it. I had to talk to him several times before he got it. He wasn't being mean on purpose, he is just terrible at teaching. Sometimes he would say funny/mean things about me cooking and I would joke on myself, but other times I just wasn't in the mood for it and would end up crying. He finally got it and is much better now. Hopefully telling him how much it upset you will help.
I feel like this alot. I try not to talk about it on the boards, because I am not really ready to do something about it, and that is frustrating to many posters ( I know if frustrates me when we give good advice to posters and they won't take it). Anyway what really resonates with me is when you say that you still love spending time with your DH and laugh. DH and I are best friends, and yet we can be so so so cruel to each other. He is critical like your H and I lash out whenever I feel threatened. We tried therapy a few years ago but DH can be very manipulative, and the therapist seemed to fall right into it. Whenever I talk about how we need to make changes or split up, DH guilts me about our son. I hope you and your DH can come to some conclusion together. It sucks to live half in and half out.
Post by dr.girlfriend on Oct 17, 2012 12:33:41 GMT -5
I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive if this ignores any follow-ups, etc.
So, here's the thing, and I hope this doesn't sound braggy or whatever. But I know -- I am absolutely *certain* -- that my husband thinks I am smart, and competent, and he respects me. Just as he knows I feel the same way about him. So, if one of us says "You're hopeless!" it's obviously gentle teasing, or a joke. If, however, I thought that he really *did* think I was stupid and incompetent and couldn't do anything right, him saying "You're hopeless!" would just be another reflection of his underlying feeling toward me.
I know you love each other and everything is fine, etc., but my impression is that when your husband wants to be nice he's nice, and when he's not in a good mood or whatever he doesn't see any problem with being mean to you. And that's something that's going to be very hard to change at this point, because if he feels like you make an okay whipping dog when he's not thrilled with life, that's not something that changes with threats of divorce, etc.
I watched my uncle belittle my cousin. She was fat, and a girl, and he was constantly telling her she was doing this or that wrong. She turned out okay, but that was after 15 years of letting guys hit her, cheat on her, etc. In the end the guy she married cheated on her too, but she at least is ditching him. I would seriously think about what a hypercritical style of interaction would do to my child.
Post by jillboston on Oct 17, 2012 12:50:24 GMT -5
This "joking" stuff went on for awhile with me and DH. I don't like it and told him so a few times. Then I blew up at him 3 years ago on a cruise and told him he sounded like his mother (who, unfortunately has turned into her critical, bitchy mother and has been called out on it repeatedly by other family members). He finally got it. People learn these communication methods from their family and they need to be addressed if they are not working sooner rather than later.
I haven't read the whole thread, so forgive if this ignores any follow-ups, etc.
So, here's the thing, and I hope this doesn't sound braggy or whatever. But I know -- I am absolutely *certain* -- that my husband thinks I am smart, and competent, and he respects me. Just as he knows I feel the same way about him. So, if one of us says "You're hopeless!" it's obviously gentle teasing, or a joke. If, however, I thought that he really *did* think I was stupid and incompetent and couldn't do anything right, him saying "You're hopeless!" would just be another reflection of his underlying feeling toward me.
I know you love each other and everything is fine, etc., but my impression is that when your husband wants to be nice he's nice, and when he's not in a good mood or whatever he doesn't see any problem with being mean to you. And that's something that's going to be very hard to change at this point, because if he feels like you make an okay whipping dog when he's not thrilled with life, that's not something that changes with threats of divorce, etc.
Interesting. I know my H thinks I am smart and competent. I think he loses his patience (in general, I have seen it with other people/situations) He needs to learn to manage himself.
This "joking" stuff went on for awhile with me and DH. I don't like it and told him so a few times. Then I blew up at him 3 years ago on a cruise and told him he sounded like his mother (who, unfortunately has turned into her critical, bitchy mother and has been called out on it repeatedly by other family members). He finally got it. People learn these communication methods from their family and they need to be addressed if they are not working sooner rather than later.
I agree with that completely. At some point in his life he was taught this is an ok way to talk to people. It is not. It will probably take more than a single divorce threat for him to full understand and accept the implications of what he's doing and why he is doing it.