What was the fight - was he angry with you for not staying with him the whole time? Or were you angry with him for going to the car?
If my DH had social anxiety I think I would only ask him to go the events where it's important that he be there, and make a point of staying with him at those events. I would probably be upset if the tables were turned and my DH ditched me in a situation that he knew made me anxious. That half hour probably felt like an eternity to him. If you don't want to have to look out for him, and if it's not important for him to be at any work events, then yeah, it's probably best for you to go alone. But I would think it weird if one of my coworker's spouses never came to any social functions ever.
Although I will say, I've never heard of anyone developing social anxiety suddenly in adulthood. Did something happen that brought it on?
I thought it'd be embarrassing to go without him and have to explain to everyone why he wasn't there, but now I think it'd be better if I just went to these things solo. I can't help being annoyed and wishing he was better at these kinds of things.
I'm sorry your night was crappy. It can be hard when one person is more social than the other. What you say here is true though. It really helps to learn to go alone if it's going to be I've of those nights.
After several years of dealing with nights like you describe, I learned that it is far better to go alone than force H into something social he isn't ready for. He has also learned when he has to buck up and take one for the team. The kicker for us was a party we hosted and a friends husband literally sat in the corner and pouted all night. A 30-something sitting and pouting! The next day, we both said that guy showed us the benefits of going alone when need be, and that if the non-social spouse goes, he has to be really be there.
Oh, and "he wasn't feeling well" is all you have to say. And it's true if well=not a night to handle ppl
As someone who has been in your H's spot, it's really hard. I hate, hate, hate feeling awkward in social situations and being left alone at a party where I don't know anyone is the worse. For the most part H is really good about making sure I feel comfortable because he knows the other choice is that I never go. I think you need to decide which is the better option for you both.
Anxiety is such an awful, awful feeling and unless you have ever experienced it, you really have no idea. That said, I would never make my DH attend a function and ditch him knowing he had said feelings. I'd definitely consider going solo to certain events from now on - and you shouldn't feel awkward going alone, I wouldn't bat an eye if a co-worker showed up solo.
Post by twodogsandababy on Dec 9, 2012 1:10:00 GMT -5
My H and I both have a lot of social anxiety. We are especially anxious around each others co-workers because each of us know our co-workers fairly well so we feel weird being the person that doesn't know everyone. We can both understand it and put up with it for important events. Since H is Military there are a lot of events we are expected to attend so usually it is me feeling pretty anxious, I appreciate that H understands it and makes an effort to make me feel more comfortable. We generally make an appearance, he chats with a few people and we bail early. We much prefer hanging out in our living room with a few close friends!
Except for the most outgoing, I think most people would dislike being abandoned by their spouse in a room full of strangers.
As someone who has social anxiety, I can't believe you left him there. I would be embarrassed and upset if dh was pouting, but sitting quietly alone or even wandering off for a bit doesn't sound wrong to me.
It probably would be best to let him stay home next time. Social anxiety really sucks. I can barely handle going to my own work holiday party. Being left alone where I don't know anyone would be a little version of hell.
My DH has social anxiety. It's not easy for either of us, and honestly limits both of us in our social lives. I am a much less social person now than I was 7 years ago when we got married. I have been in that exact situation a million times. Now we just both skip stuff unless it's really important too us ( we also have a baby though so less opportunity to go out I guess)
Adds to the list of reason why I nor I go to each others work parties. Its bad enough, you cant relate to any of your spouses coworkers. Next time leave him home. Lots of people don't bring their spouses. Mine is next week, and I am going with a group I work with, none of them bringing their spouses, I would think that be extra awkward yanking DH to go to something, and we are discussing work shit, and he has no clue what we are talking about. I get like this with DH's family, I cannot relate to any of them, thankfully DH doesn't leave me to the wolves though.
I don't know that I'd say I have social anxiety, but I would have been super uncomfortable in your DH's situation too. I hate being by myself at a social event where I don't know anyone. It's so awkward and I would never, ever walk up to someone I don't know and start a conversation, so what am I supposed to do when left alone.
In the future, you shouldn't leave him alone. I wouldn't do that to my DH at my work party and he is a pretty social person. I don't mean to be harsh since I'm sure you weren't trying to do it on purpose. Just be more conscious in the future if you are going to bring him to stuff like that.
My dh is the same way. I've also found that no one really bats an eye when I come alone. "He's not feeling well/up to it and sends his regrets" really is a delightfully vague/honest way to handle it.
I'm the more socially anxious person in our marriage, and my H and I have dealt with similar issues over the past few years. We talk about things ahead of time, like how long we are planning to stay, and how he can't just abandon me alone and expect me to be OK with a group of strangers. He knows now to check in frequently, and to bring me with him if he's going off somewhere for an hour or more. He often goes to social events without me if my presence isn't important - I will go to his work Christmas party, but not a random night at a bar where everyone will just be complaining about work for 2 hours.
I have found that extroverted people have a hard time understanding introverts. They seem to think that introverts should be able to just "get better" at liking the company of other people, or just buck up and be like the extroverts. It's not something that just happens without any effort. When my H and I first started spending weekends with his (loud, shouty, exuberant) family, he didn't understand why I would need at least an hour per day to sit quietly in a separate room and destress. Now, he lets me do things like that because he knows I need the down time.
All of the bolded was/is H and I down to me having a loud shouty exuberant family and him needing decompression time from them. The first time he visited my family with me I did not get it. At all. Now, he does what he needs to do and I don't bother him about it.
Anxiety is such an awful, awful feeling and unless you have ever experienced it, you really have no idea. That said, I would never make my DH attend a function and ditch him knowing he had said feelings. I'd definitely consider going solo to certain events from now on - and you shouldn't feel awkward going alone, I wouldn't bat an eye if a co-worker showed up solo.
:Y: :Y: :Y:
I've been on both sides of this. When I was younger, I had horrible social (and other types) of anxiety. I used to get anxious weeks ahead of time for certain events I knew I couldn't get out of! For me, it was easiest if I went for a short period of time and made a gracious exit, or didn't go at all. The whole "you'll be fine when you get there" and "just relax!" mentality that most people have is not helpful. It's not going to get better overnight. I think your DH needs to speak with a counselor and get his anxiety in check. Until then, just expect to go to these things alone. It's not worth the fight to drag him along.
That being said, you can totally feel anger, resentment, and hurt that he isn't more able to handle these situations. It's okay to hate the illness, just try not to let that transfer onto your DH.
I have found that extroverted people have a hard time understanding introverts.
I will confess that I don't quite understand it. I'm not saying everyone should be at ease in a room full of strangers, but if smiling and saying hello to people to the people who come up to talk to your spouse really that awful?
And a party is what, two or three hours out of your life? A mature adult should be able to get through a few hours without having to pout in a corner, even if you're faking it and inside you hate every minute of it. Come up with some affirmations to say to yourself, chart the time in your head, treat yourself to leaving the room for 5 minutes every half hour, whatever you have to do to make it through. I realize it takes some effort, but it's also not fair to the social spouse if the non-social one doesn't make *any* effort.
That said, I do sympathize. It was crappy of the OP to ditch her DH when she knew he would be anxious, and she pretty much admitted in her OP that she cares more about how this affects her than about how her DH is feeling, which is also crappy. I just think there are things that can be done to meet in the middle at least some of the time. And I think it's fair to say that anyone who honestly can't make even a modicum of effort, despite trying, needs therapy and/or meds.
To those saying anxiety is so horrible that you can't understand it unless you have it - cam you describe it? Because I do wonder, what could happen that's so horrible? Are you worried that people will disapprove of you? That they'll think you're dumb? Or what? I guess I just can't understand what could go so wrong during superficial social chat that would make someone so anxious.
It's a very suffocating feeling and often when I am anxious about something I begin to feel very depressed. Like I am returning to work in a few weeks and am at the point right now where leaving the house is a lot of work for me. I want to hide in my bed.
My H has awful social anxiety (which is abut better now that he's medicated). I don't make him attend these events. I can't relax at them when I'm worried about him the entire time.
DH is an introvert and it pains him greatly to go to most social events. At this point, I only ask him to go to events that are really important. It's not worth him feeling uncomfortable for hours just so I don't have to make up an excuse for him not being there. I usually just say he's working or studying. My close friends know him well enough to know that he just doesn't want to come and they are fine with it.
For me, it is how people treat the spouse. I am from a large city and many of my fiends are good networkers. DH is from a small town that is very judgy of anyone not at least 5 generations in. When we went to my class reunion, people introduced themselves and chatted him up even if I was across the room. His reunion, I was literally shut out of a conversation and backs turned on myself and another spouse. We were all relegated to the spouse's table and ignored. On a couple occasions later, I heard backstabbing comments about me from people who did not get to know me and comments attributed to me that I did not say. He did not believe me until other classmates said their spouses have had the same treatment and no longer attend these functions.
But if my H just left me sitting at a table? I'd be pissed as hell. I HATE introducing myself to people - especially at parties when people are already chatting in little groups of 3-4 and you have to physically break into the groups in order to join in. I worry that they're inwardly rolling their eyes at me, or outwardly after I leave. I worry that they think I'm dumb, or too talkative (when I get nervous, I babble), or too quiet / boring, or laughing too loudly, or too fat, or dressed wrong, or not pretty enough, or too tall. I feel like I am intruding on their social time - I mean, no one came to my H's work party hoping to talk to me, right? But overall, it's not a LOGICAL fear, and I get that. But it's still there.
I get you - I sometimes think people think some of these things about me too. For example, I can be a little too ebullient right off the bat and I've learned to recognize the "omg it's nice to meet you too but calm down" look. I do remind myself to be more chill now, but I'm not going to completely change who I am, and if someone is going to make a snap judgement about something I do that isn't even that bad (it's not like I'm saying "fuck you" when they introduce themselves), then they're the jerks, not me.
And I should point out that I think it's inconsiderate to ditch even a normally social spouse in a room full of strangers. My DH knew a lot of my coworkers and could chat with them just fine, and I would still never ditch him for any length of time. A few minutes, sure. But a half hour, no.
I used to get anxious weeks ahead of time for certain events I knew I couldn't get out of!
Oh, this reminded me of something. When DH and I were first dating, I used to get anxious before his annual family reunion. Not because of the social aspect of it - his family is super nice and welcoming - but because there were games like relay races, and participation was mandatory. It took me back to elementary school gym class, which I loathed. I used to get nervous as far as a week before the reunion, and I would be on edge until the stupid games were over. And I never told DH because I knew it was such a silly thing to be nervous about, but it still really bothered me because I thought I was going to trip or lose the race for my team or fail miserably in some other way in front of everyone. After going through this for a few years I realized that the games were not that big of a deal, nothing awful ever happened during them, and that I was letting a 30 minute event ruin my entire week. And eventually all the anxiety melted away. I still don't like doing them but I just accept it as 30 minutes I can't spend in a way I would have chosen, and then it's over and I can go have a drink. lol. So I do think that putting it in perspective, and getting out there and doing it until it gets easier, can quell a lot of the anxiety.
ETA: I realize this will only work for the mildly anxious. Of course this won't work for everyone and there are more severe cases that require therapy and meds.
I leave DH at home. He just gets grumpy. He's extremely social but only when he's with people of similar likes/demeanor. Since we're the "opposites attract" couple, he has no common ground with most of my friends so it is best for our marriage if he just stays at home.
I don't have social anxiety, but as someone with an anxiety disorder (OCD), I can say that most anxiety is not logical. That's part of what makes it so frustrating.
The example I gave above about not wanting to participate in mandatory relay race-style games is helping me realize/recall this. I knew my aversion to them wasn't logical but I couldn't help it. Logic and reasoning did help lessen the anxiety a bit, but those things certainly were not present at first.
This is all super helpful, though. I know it's helped me understand it more, and hopefully it will help the OP be a little more sympathetic to her DH.
I like the idea of coming in two separate cars so your H can leave when he wants. This may also help his anxiety because he knows he won't be stuck there if he starts to feel uncomfortable. I would also try to figure out where this anxiety is coming from if it is something that has just developed.
If my H had social anxiety, I probably wouldn't leave him alone for 30 minutes at a work event. I don't think he has to be at your side every single minute but 30 minutes seems like a long time.
And a party is what, two or three hours out of your life? A mature adult should be able to get through a few hours without having to pout in a corner, even if you're faking it and inside you hate every minute of it. Come up with some affirmations to say to yourself, chart the time in your head, treat yourself to leaving the room for 5 minutes every half hour, whatever you have to do to make it through. I realize it takes some effort, but it's also not fair to the social spouse if the non-social one doesn't make *any* effort.
OK. To me, what you are saying sounds like, why can't the overweight person just stop eating, or the depressed person just pull themselves out of bed and go to work. It is really offensive. I am not flaming you, but please don't act like this toward people IRL with these issues.
My social anxiety issues are not nearly as crippling as others' but I will try to explain. For me it comes on suddenly, triggered by sometime really small and unimportant. Then in no time flat my brain runs away from me and I'm thinking that everyone in the room hates me and is making fun of me. I start sweating, get dizzy, start crying and often times think I am going to die. Often I start overheating. So yes, while it would be nice to just suck it up for a few hours and schedule an anxiety attack for a more convenient time it is not always possible and it is a long-term process with ups and downs to get a hold of it.
Again this is just my experience to give you an idea.
And a party is what, two or three hours out of your life? A mature adult should be able to get through a few hours without having to pout in a corner, even if you're faking it and inside you hate every minute of it. Come up with some affirmations to say to yourself, chart the time in your head, treat yourself to leaving the room for 5 minutes every half hour, whatever you have to do to make it through. I realize it takes some effort, but it's also not fair to the social spouse if the non-social one doesn't make *any* effort.
OK. To me, what you are saying sounds like, why can't the overweight person just stop eating, or the depressed person just pull themselves out of bed and go to work. It is really offensive. I am not flaming you, but please don't act like this toward people IRL with these issues.
My social anxiety issues are not nearly as crippling as others' but I will try to explain. For me it comes on suddenly, triggered by sometime really small and unimportant. Then in no time flat my brain runs away from me and I'm thinking that everyone in the room hates me and is making fun of me. I start sweating, get dizzy, start crying and often times think I am going to die. Often I start overheating. So yes, while it would be nice to just suck it up for a few hours and schedule an anxiety attack for a more convenient time it is not always possible and it is a long-term process with ups and downs to get a hold of it.
Again this is just my experience to give you an idea.
I didn't take your comment as flaming at all, and I apologize for being offensive. I really appreciate you sharing your experience, and this is exactly why I asked. I didn't make the connection to things like overeating and depression, but that comparison really puts it into perspective. I think a lot of people don't realize the extent of this issue - I obviously didn't - so IMO getting it out into the open can only help.
I also wasn't taking into account uncontrollable physical reactions when I talked about making an effort to get through it. Although to be fair, I did say later in that comment that if someone honestly cannot make that effort, that they could probably use additional help like therapy and meds. That wasn't criticism; taking meds for anxiety is no different than taking them for any other medical condition.
Again, sorry for being offensive. I feel a bit sheepish about how unaware I was when it comes to serious anxiety. But I now know a lot more about it, so at least something good has come out of it.
I tolerate gatherings where I do not know anyone, but do it for DH's sake. Sometimes I "Have another engagement" and do not attend --- even if that engagement is with a good book.
My husband has social anxiety and it sucks. While its mostly controlled with medication now(as in he no longer has severe panic attacks and chest pains), its still rough. I do find it embarrassing when he's sitting around with a miserable look on his face. He does this whether I am sitting with him or not, he just looks miserable and i always feel like i'm trying to make excuses for him. That said, most events I go to alone now. Work functions, friends parties etc. It helps that I have the kids excuse, someone has to stay home with them! I do make him go to family events, they are used to his miserableness and while they don't like it they know the deal. My family is VERY social so they have a hard time understanding it.
What I really hate is we have cut out almost all social events during his worst time. Unless it was imperative we be there we didn't go. I grew up with a social family, and although shy, could handle myself. I almost feel like i've become more socially awkward b/c of him. I sometimes get stressed out now, and have to force myself to go to events. Once I get there I have a good time, but its become so easy to just skip out on these things.
Anyways, basically I can relate. My husband see's a therapist and is on meds, it sounds like your husband could benefit. Until then, there is nothing wrong with attending certain events without him. If they ask where he is, you can always make an excuse...work, another commitment, sick etc. Not that you want to lie but sometimes it beats the alternative...a function with a miserable husband and you becoming embarrassed.
To those saying anxiety is so horrible that you can't understand it unless you have it - cam you describe it? Because I do wonder, what could happen that's so horrible? Are you worried that people will disapprove of you? That they'll think you're dumb? Or what? I guess I just can't understand what could go so wrong during superficial social chat that would make someone so anxious.
For me, I'm constantly afraid that i'll either make a fool of myself or, irrationally, that the group secretly hates me and will tell me to go away. It boils down to fear of rejection.
One of my worst moments was in university when I was walking alone to an intramural game my residence was in. I reached the opened door to the gym, saw my group, immediately ascertained there were no obviously free seats with them, and ran away to have a panic attack under a stairwell. I just couldn't handle asking anyone to slide over for fear they'd say no. Even though I lived with them!