I think I just need to find someone who likes to really live life and go out and do things and then we can be a duo of awesomeness. I would be able to live with that forever.
I love being married. My marriage is so much better than my parents' was. I can't describe how safe it feels to have someone who loves me unconditionally and who I know will always take care of me if I need it. I have made compromises, and he has too, but compromises that have made us stronger as a team. I knew I would marry him from the minute we met, though, and I truly think he is my soul mate. Do not give up on that. But don't settle for anything less either.
Marriage is not what I thought it would be. As I've posted about on MM, we've had some marital problems lately which left me feeling disillusioned. I don't think I'll ever have that doe-eyed vision of marriage again.
In some ways marriage is very fulfilling. It's nice having a best friend to share life's joys and hurdles with, and even at our worst, we're still a team. Overall, DH makes my life better and I'm glad we're married. However, I think after a while you get used to whatever kind of life you have. When we were first married my happiness definitely spiked, but then the first blush wore off and the regular stressors of life came back in, and now I think I'm about as happy as I was before I met DH (which is to say, pretty happy).
I think part of my problem is that my ideas about marriage weren't that realistic. Even though intellectually I knew we couldn't be lovey-dovey forever, I didn't really know what it WOULD settle into. My parents divorced young,which was good because they fought a lot, but my mom never re-married. So I didn't have anything to base my expectations off of, and I never saw anyone work through any major disagreements or betrayals. We're in a weird place now because what he did isn't enough to end a marriage over, but if we were dating, I would have broken up with him. Staying and working through the bad stuff is obviously the hardest part of marriage, and I'm in the thick of that right now, which obviously clouds my view.
I guess so. I mean, we knew that it would be the hardest thing we've ever done, and we tried to bone up on tools (i/e counseling, etc) to ensure we could withstand the heat, etc.
But it really got harder after we had the kids. Because it's just us. We don't have any (unpaid) help. If I could do it over, I would still marry him, still have the kids with him, but I would have made sure we lived closer to his or my parents, sisters, etc.
When I was growing up, we lived around the corner from two of my mom's sisters. And my parents were able to be a lot more spontaneous and go out on their own, sans kids, without calling down a list of vetted sitters. I had so much fun with my two sisters and 7 cousins. I wish my kids had that
And part of me laughs because I guess I thought my marriage would look a lot like my parents' marriage. Which is ridiculous because how could it? My mom didn't work, lived near a bunch of family and my dad was military. They really got along really well. Everyone did. Probably because he was gone a lot and she had tons of help.
But I have faith in us, in him and in myself to keep growing and changing for the better. We want to beat the stats.
Sometimes I have to remind him (me!) that the kids are only little once, and going around miserable because you're exhausted, overworked, sick and tired of stepping on legos, totally over how much crap a kid comes with, etc is kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stepping back and seeing the big picture, at-leasting myself and ray over and over (hahahah) and trying to live in the moment as thankfully as possible is what I try to substitute.
I guess so. I mean, we knew that it would be the hardest thing we've ever done, and we tried to bone up on tools (i/e counseling, etc) to ensure we could withstand the heat, etc.
But it really got harder after we had the kids. Because it's just us. We don't have any (unpaid) help. If I could do it over, I would still marry him, still have the kids with him, but I would have made sure we lived closer to his or my parents, sisters, etc.
When I was growing up, we lived around the corner from two of my mom's sisters. And my parents were able to be a lot more spontaneous and go out on their own, sans kids, without calling down a list of vetted sitters. I had so much fun with my two sisters and 7 cousins. I wish my kids had that
And part of me laughs because I guess I thought my marriage would look a lot like my parents' marriage. Which is ridiculous because how could it? My mom didn't work, lived near a bunch of family and my dad was military. They really got along really well. Everyone did. Probably because he was gone a lot and she had tons of help.
But I have faith in us, in him and in myself to keep growing and changing for the better. We want to beat the stats.
Sometimes I have to remind him (me!) that the kids are only little once, and going around miserable because you're exhausted, overworked, sick and tired of stepping on legos, totally over how much crap a kid comes with, etc is kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Stepping back and seeing the big picture, at-leasting myself and ray over and over (hahahah) and trying to live in the moment as thankfully as possible is what I try to substitute.
All of that aside, I think it is really evident that you are a really great mom. I always think that when I see your kids. Something tells me that they will have o shortage of great memories.
i guess it is pretty much what i expected, maybe a bit better. but, i have never been the type that wanted to get married and never saw myself doing so. for h it was really important to be husband and wife, he wasn't content being partners that live together. we lived together for 7 years before we got married and will have our 4th anniversary this fall. this is all on me, but i did feel different once we were married. there are just different expectations and (i feel) an added pressure that i didn't experience when we were partners living together. it was easier, less stressful, and i enjoyed it more.
we don't have kids and aren't planning on having them, so i can't speak to that issue.
I think it's absolutely vital to love yourself and be happy, before going into a marriage. If you go into a marriage hoping it will fill a hole in your life, it never will.
I've loved marriage so far, 8 years in. And having a family has made me -- not necessarily happier -- but more content and satisfied.
Marriage is def. what I thought it would be, possibly even more. (in terms of a partnership) I think that has a lot to do with having a family. And in most ways, this has been truly awesome. But, there is an aspect of "self" that i've lost. and I'm not sure I can really blame that on marriage and kids as much as I should jsut blame it on myself for allowing it to happen. you know? Like, the whole thing is basically what you make of it. period.
Marriage is def. what I thought it would be, possibly even more. (in terms of a partnership) I think that has a lot to do with having a family. And in most ways, this has been truly awesome. But, there is an aspect of "self" that i've lost. and I'm not sure I can really blame that on marriage and kids as much as I should jsut blame it on myself for allowing it to happen. you know? Like, the whole thing is basically what you make of it. period.
I think it's hard to be a good partner and not lose yourself a bit. There's a lot of compromise and self-sacrifice that goes into being part of a successful team. My sense of humor and DH's have melded a lot. I watch different tv shows that we both like, I eat foods that he prefers about half the time (and vice versa), I decorate in a way that pleases both of us, my car is a good complement to his car but not what I'd pick if I were single. And all that compromise takes the bloom off of my individuality. I don't think there's much that can be done about it; my marriage is more important and more fulfilling than any of the things I listed above, but still.
I think it's hard to be a good partner and not lose yourself a bit. There's a lot of compromise and self-sacrifice that goes into being part of a successful team. My sense of humor and DH's have melded a lot. I watch different tv shows that we both like, I eat foods that he prefers about half the time (and vice versa), I decorate in a way that pleases both of us, my car is a good complement to his car but not what I'd pick if I were single. And all that compromise takes the bloom off of my individuality. I don't think there's much that can be done about it; my marriage is more important and more fulfilling than any of the things I listed above, but still.
This does not strike me as a healthy marriage. Complimentary cars??? Wtf?
I think I just need to find someone who likes to really live life and go out and do things and then we can be a duo of awesomeness. I would be able to live with that forever.
Something to draw on here. I have a couple of friends who are single in their late 30s or early 40s. Because I have the most awesomest marriage ever, they often ask me for advice. Luckily for them, I also had a string of serious shitty relationships, which is where I draw most of the advice from. LOL
Anyway, one thing I've seen with them that is, I think, pretty common in the "dating" world is this hang up on "having things in common." I remember that, too. Like think about online dating profiles, right. Everyone looks for a match, which is someone you have things in common with.
I'll go out on a limb and say one of the greatest things about my relationship with my husband is we had very little in common by way of hobbies when we met. Now, the fundamentals need to match up- we have similar (but not the same) views on religion, we align politically which is important to me, we both wanted a family... But we had no hobbies at all in common. Over 13 years together, one of the most enjoyable things has been introducing each other to our passions. There are some things each of love that the other isn't so hot on, either. This is our alone time, when we stay "ourselves" and have our own things we enjoy as individuals.
I'm not saying a mutual love of biking or international travel is a deal breaker, but I think people look too hard for these types of things on the check list.
I've had feedback that some single friends thought this was very valuable advice, so thought I would share.
I think I just need to find someone who likes to really live life and go out and do things and then we can be a duo of awesomeness. I would be able to live with that forever.
Something to draw on here. I have a couple of friends who are single in their late 30s or early 40s. Because I have the most awesomest marriage ever, they often ask me for advice. Luckily for them, I also had a string of serious shitty relationships, which is where I draw most of the advice from. LOL
Anyway, one thing I've seen with them that is, I think, pretty common in the "dating" world is this hang up on "having things in common." I remember that, too. Like think about online dating profiles, right. Everyone looks for a match, which is someone you have things in common with.
I'll go out on a limb and say one of the greatest things about my relationship with my husband is we had very little in common by way of hobbies when we met. Now, the fundamentals need to match up- we have similar (but not the same) views on religion, we align politically which is important to me, we both wanted a family... But we had no hobbies at all in common. Over 13 years together, one of the most enjoyable things has been introducing each other to our passions. There are some things each of love that the other isn't so hot on, either. This is our alone time, when we stay "ourselves" and have our own things we enjoy as individuals.
I'm not saying a mutual love of biking or international travel is a deal breaker, but I think people look to hard for these types of things on the check list.
I've had feedback that some single friends thought this was very valuable advice, so thought I would share.
Thanks for the insight! I can really see how that would work out well.The desire to learn about another person and really explore a new world of things seems like a key factor for a lot of the couples that I think are doing so great and who really compliment each other.
[ Thanks for the insight! I can really see how that would work out well.The desire to learn about another person and really explore a new world of things seems like a key factor for a lot of the couples that I think are doing so great and who really compliment each other.
I think one of the reasons that H and I work so well is that we're different but complimentary (although not our cars).
I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert. He's more impulsive, I always take time to think things through. We both have the same core values, but we don't share a lot of hobbies or personality traits. I think it's good, because a) we have different strengths and "even out" in most situations which makes life a little better for both of us and b) we still have our independent activities which allows me to get my much-needed alone time.
That's not to say that we haven't had some fairly large clashes because of our differences, but now we're in a good groove and I think it works really well. I'm not the same as I would be if I were single, but I don't feel at all like I've lost anything. I feel like I've gained things.
Absolutely. I love my husband. I love my marriage and our children. H and I didn't live together before we got married so there were some things we had to figure out about each other in the beginning like most newlyweds. It's nice having a partner in life knowing that someone always has your back. H makes me feel safe, respected and loved and he is such a good father that sometimes seeing him with them just makes me want to cry because I can't believe how lucky I am to have him. It mind sound a little nauseating to read this but for the most part I feel like I got my fairytale husband. Now that's not to say that we never argue or some of his bad habits don't get on my nerves here and there.
Marriage can be everything you want it to be with the right person. It also takes work and compromise.
Its easier than I thought it was going to be. People always say marriage takes work, love takes work, etc. but for us, it doesn't. We are pretty much perfect for each other. Sure, we make digs at each other that hurt, but for the most part, we're happily together forever.
Cars can compliment each other. I drive a roadster. He drives an SUV. I wouldn't drive a roadster if one of us didn't have a car that could haul stuff (and dogs). He would miss having a convertible if we both had SUVs.
PS: *My* car is tres me. Perhaps I am *more* myself because of marriage?
Reading this post made me eye roll hard but laugh hysterically.
So yay, fist bump!
FOR ME: I think that DH is the cat's pajamas. He's freaking awesome, and if our marriage ended tonight, I wouldn't have it any other way, and our marriage would be the best and most successful evah. But it's totally not transferable, because well, people are different and all.
Look, do what ever you will do. You'll know if it's good for you or if it doesn't. It's kinda like life, you win some you lose some. Cheers!
Reading this post made me eye roll hard but laugh hysterically.
So yay, fist bump!
FOR ME: I think that DH is the cat's pajamas. He's freaking awesome, and if our marriage ended tonight, I wouldn't have it any other way, and our marriage would be the best and most successful evah. But it's totally not transferable, because well, people are different and all.
Look, do what ever you will do. You'll know if it's good for you or if it doesn't. It's kinda like life, you win some you lose some. Cheers!
I just like to hear other people's perpectives on life stuff!
Post by coffeeismyfrienemy on May 28, 2012 0:51:13 GMT -5
Honestly? No, it's not what I thought it would be. H isn't as romantic as I'd hoped and I'm not as frugal as H had hoped. But every day is a learning experience and we're getting through it. Having DS has put a lot of strain on us. It's thrown us through a whirlwind I'm not sure we were prepared for but we're getting through anyways. We have good days and bad days but we're making it work. I don't want to screw anything up for DS because I was being intollerant or selfish.