Be honest, is marriage what you expected it to be?

[leahmel]

Is having a family everything you hoped it would be?

I am getting to the point where being single is comfortable and nice and I am pretty happy with life. Then I think about the fact that I want kids, and I don't want to grow old alone.

I am very torn because I feel content now and don't want to ruin that. At the same time, I guess I could feel just as content with the right man and family.

Be HONEST, what are your thoughts here?

ETA: I don't even count my first marriage as qualifying here, since I was just dumb then. lol

[Deleted]

I'm extremely happy. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Honestly, it's much much better.

[saraandmichael]

no, its not. i honestly thought, going into marriage, that it was going to be this fairytale life of my husband doting on me and being romantic and impulsive and just always being in love with me (shut UP!, ok?).

but, seven years in and many peaks and valleys later, i realise that marriage is about being with the right person to share my joys and sorrows with. and in the inbetween time, he's someone i like being around and have fun with.

michael makes me laugh. thats important to me. even when i feel like i dont want to look at his face he will say something that makes me laugh and makes things better.

i have imagined what life would be like on my own. fantisized, actually. and when it got down to brass tacks, it was a sad thought and feeling to not have him to laugh at. or to ave him laugh at me.

bringing kids into the dynamic is something totally different. its makes my desire to make our marriage work in the hardest of times stronger because i dont want to fuck things up for them because i am feeling selfish or bored with life.

[bonquiqui]

Marriage isn't exactly what I thought it would be. It is a lot of hard work. I realized awhile ago that we were both taking each other for granted, because we were all each other has ever known. We started dating at 18 and 19, now 32 and 33, so we have essentially grown up together.

Over the last few months, we realized that we need to put more effort in, because things kind of just were. We both wanted more. The communication had been lacking, because neither one of us wanted to hurt the other's feelings. We realized that we had to keep talking, being honest, keep reinventing, and keep making it special for things to survive. It scared me to the core, the thought of losing him, but it has made us stronger.

Marriage is work, regardless of what anyone says, but honestly I can't imagine my life without him. We do want kids, and I realize the clock has started ticking, but we both feel like we need to make sure the marriage is the strongest it can be, before we start trying.

I am not sure if any of this makes sense, my brain totally isn't working today.

[cereal K]

i don't know what my expectations were regarding either.

i can say that i've loved being married. h and i work together really well, we have the same goals and "morals" for lack of a better word, and we enjoy talking to and being with each other. i wouldn't want to spend that much time with anyone else.

the kid thing, well...i'll start by saying i love me kid. she's amazing and i can't believe she's mine. but, having a kid changed so much about my life. i'm not saying i regret it, but some days i can feel the differences more sharply.

it's getting better as she gets older, though, the feeling of being slave to a schedule or the constant drain that is attending to someone else's constant need (when you have to intuit what that need is from history and a series of grunts).

which all makes me feel a little crazy for thinking that i may want to do this kid thing again soon. for me, it's the sort term shit that i'll put up with for the long term good. i most look forward to when C and any future children have (hopefully) become smart, funny, interesting young adults that we want to spend time with.

does that answer any of your OP, or did i just go off on a tangent?

[karmasabiotch]

I'm happy being a Mom. I would be happier being a single Mom. I love my H but I'm not happy being with him. I hope that can change and things will work out.

[leahmel]

It has taken me so many years to really get to know myself and be actually happy, not just pretend to be happy. I am SO terrified of losing my identity or my "me-ness" if I get into a serious relationship. I feel like I have worked really hard to be where I am. I am proud of who I have become, but scared to lose any of it.

[Doc_Lobster]

It is now, after almost 8 years, but there were definitely some growing pains.

I still have no desire for kids, though. I'm cool with just me and H. However, I also think I'd be ok being single as long as I had some good friends.

[iamgrace]

Pretty much. We have our ups and downs, but overall I didn't really expect differently.

[saraandmichael]

May 27, 2012 15:57:31 GMT -5 leahmel said:

It has taken me so many years to really get to know myself and be actually happy, not just pretend to be happy. I am SO terrified of losing my identity or my "me-ness" if I get into a serious relationship. I feel like I have worked really hard to be where I am. I am proud of who I have become, but scared to lose any of it.

in a good relationship, you won't lose your identity.

[Jalapeñomel]

Most of the time, I love being married. We have a great time together. Although we are TTCing, I am terrified of how our relationship and life will change (hopefully for the better).


Is having a child on your own an option for you?

[leahmel]

May 27, 2012 16:04:26 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

May 27, 2012 15:57:31 GMT -5 leahmel said:

It has taken me so many years to really get to know myself and be actually happy, not just pretend to be happy. I am SO terrified of losing my identity or my "me-ness" if I get into a serious relationship. I feel like I have worked really hard to be where I am. I am proud of who I have become, but scared to lose any of it.

in a good relationship, you won't lose your identity.

That is what I keep telling myself. I guess it is normal to feel the way I do after being through what I have been through. I pulled myself out of a pretty deep black hole into happiness so I want to hold onto it for dear life. lol

[leahmel]

May 27, 2012 16:05:33 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

Most of the time, I love being married. We have a great time together. Although we are TTCing, I am terrified of how our relationship and life will change (hopefully for the better).


Is having a child on your own an option for you?

yeah, i would love to adopt whether I have a partner or not, and in my mind that is my back-up option. Though the idea of single parenting is pretty daunting, I would do that over being childless in a heartbeat

[heightsyankee]

May 27, 2012 15:51:03 GMT -5 hungrycaterpillar said:

I'm extremely happy. Life isn't what I thought it would be. Honestly, it's much much better.

This is me, too. My life is very charmed. I never could have imagined this would be the case...

The thing I think that is important here is not how happy we are, but more how we got here. Pretty much everyone i know who found themselves in a really, really great relationship (myself included) was kind of where you are now--- perfectly fine to be alone. I think a good partner is the kind of person who finds your independence and confidence to be something really positive. Friends (and myself at one point here, too) who don't want to be alone tend to settle. Partners who are attracted to that kind of yearning are often bad choices long term. Be very happy where you are now and the right thing will happen.

[leahmel]

Thanks guys. I can see how the fact that my chosen partner would be completely out of want and not at all out of neediness makes for a better marriage/relationship.

[statlerwaldorf]

I am a lot happier being a mom than I thought I would be. It's different than I thought it would be, but not in a bad way. Marriage is harder than I thought it would be, but it is more fulfilling than I thought. I care about DH and DD a lot more than I thought I could care possibly care about someone. 3 year olds are bigger assholes than I realized at times. I thought the infant stage would be the worst.

[sporklemotion]

May 27, 2012 16:11:39 GMT -5 leahmel said:

Thanks guys. I can see how the fact that my chosen partner would be completely out of want and not at all out of neediness makes for a better marriage/relationship.

Definitely. I met my husband and got married a bit later than most of my friends/relatives (started dating at 32, married at 37). I had pretty much resigned myself to being single forever (more because I wasn't dating a ton than because I thought I was "too old"), and I was pretty content with my life. I didn't necessarily want to be single forever, but I was OK with it because I felt pretty fulfilled in general. Being married has been great for me, but only because I have a pretty awesome husband who accepts and understands me, and who lets me be myself.

I don't think it's your identity that you have to give up as much as some of your independence? As in, I can't stay out late or buy all new furniture without checking with my husband (or at least letting him know where I am or what I'm doing), but I guess I don't see these things as core to my identity.

I don't have kids, though (the uncertainty that this will happen is my only regret about marrying so late), so my answer might be different if I did.

[rottimom]

I didn't get married until I was older, 37, for good reason. I was having too much fun, working all over the place, dating, traveling, etc etc. Getting married was a major decision and I don't regret it. I do miss the freedom of coming and going as I please. I do miss impromtu trips and splurging on whatever I wanted and could afford without thinking about saving for college and school tuitions. I love my girls and H and I am so happy I get to have them now. But, damn, sometimes I just miss worrying only about me.

I was very comfortable when I met H, owned a home, settled down to a job I loved, make amazing money, and then he came along and blew that all to hell!

[thebamker]

in a word: nope

[Deleted]

marriage is better than i thought it would be. i thought there would be more friction, and there isn't much. however, there are slogs of wah-wah (you know, debbie downer sound) that i hadn't anticipated. so far, they're relatively short, usually not marriage-generated (they just have an affect on it), and i'm pretty sure i'd have them inside or outside of a marriage. i really like having a person who is my teammate all the time. but he will never talk as much as me or care even 1/1000th as much as i do about celebrity gossip. which i still haven't internalized.

having a kid is better than i thought it would be too. i thought it was nothing but running yourself ragged and being submitted to endless judgment, interspersed with snuggles. my kid makes me less impatient and short-tempered than i'd feared, but is also a more frequent source of amusement and joy. from the beginning. and the snuggles pretty much stopped at around 8 mos.


huh. i wonder why i wanted to get married or have a kid, considering what i apparently thought it was like. ha.

[cleo29]

May 27, 2012 16:14:00 GMT -5 frkls said:

I have a really wonderful marriageand we are very happy, but am a little surprised at how the "sameness" of it all grates on me. I think that is more of a statement about my individual life right now and less about my marriage, though

Ditto. I feel that any feelings of blah that I have now have more to do with my personal friendships, or lack thereof.

[Deleted]

Pretty much. We were living together for 4 years before we got married. Things were pretty much the same after we signed the papers, lol. The only difference between then and now is how good of a partner my h has become.

[verycontrary247]

I was a beebee when I got married and had a bunch of unrealistic expectations. It is not what I expected it to be, but overall I'm still happy.

[cleo29]

May 27, 2012 16:49:35 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

May 27, 2012 16:45:59 GMT -5 cville said:

and the snuggles pretty much stopped at around 8 mos.

Huh. Mine never snuggled early on. The positions most babies like caused her pain. At one and a half she's finally coming around. She sometimes wants to curl up with me now and it makes me melt :-)

Charlotte had an anti-snuggling phase and now it is back on. I love it.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2012 16:56:15 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

May 27, 2012 16:49:35 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Huh. Mine never snuggled early on. The positions most babies like caused her pain. At one and a half she's finally coming around. She sometimes wants to curl up with me now and it makes me melt :-)

Charlotte had an anti-snuggling phase and now it is back on. I love it.

L has only in the past couple months started snuggling again. it rules.

[cleo29]

May 27, 2012 16:57:43 GMT -5 cville said:

May 27, 2012 16:56:15 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Charlotte had an anti-snuggling phase and now it is back on. I love it.

L has only in the past couple months started snuggling again. it rules.

She will creep in bed with us in the mornings now (6ish) and sometimes sleep or just lay there with me and then I will move her back to her bed. the best is when I am in bed with her or tucking her in her own bed and she just touches my face and then will hug me.

[leahmel]

Cute snuggle stories are confirming my wanting kids. lol I love snuggly babies/kids.

[Deleted]

No. I don't know how anyone could just randomly guess right, though.

[spitforspat]

Marriage is both harder and better than I expected.

I don't have kids, but I imagine they're the same -harder and better than you imagined.

[scotty]

If you are truly content, enjoy it. Marriage isn't the end-all be-all, imo. It's just made to be that way in every movie/advertisement/rare couple where things are perfect.

It has it's good times, don't get me wrong, but it's flawed, too. I also think that obviously a lot of feelings about marriage depend on those involved in the coupling.

If you find someone that you want to tie the knot with someday, awesome. If not, enjoy life as is and more power to you!