This makes me angry for you, so angry! You've gotten great advice so far. I just want to say you're handling the situation much better than I would and I wish you much luck.
Tell your mom you are only discussing your money with your financial advisor from this point on. Each time she brings it up, remind her once that you are only discussing it with your financial advisor and then zip your lips.
Discuss whatever arrangements you decide will be best for paying off your brother's loans with him only, in private.
Move out as soon as you can which it sounds like is your plan anyway.
I am sorry she's putting you through this. This kind of insanity and rudeness is the last thing you need in your life right now (or ever).
Ditto Pugz! This is not free money. I'm sure you would give it all back to have your husband back. How dare she say that! How dare she spend what was meant to be your cushion!
I'm so sorry, spearmint. That's an awful way for your mom to react to this money and to what you are going through. I agree with the other advice you've gotten. See a financial planner, take some time to make your own decisions, and don't let her influence you.
Ugh I am sick that you have to deal with that on top of everything else.Ditto everyone else, don't discuss with her if at all possible, and avoid making major financial decisions right now. So sorry.
I'm sorry. I seem to recall that you were talking to a therapist. Please bring your mom's pressure up with your therapist. Think about talking too about what the best process would be for you to think about long term goals. Then meet with the FP and map out a plan to meet those.
FWIW, I would have to stretch to make 500K last past 5 years (because it would be income replacement for me). I don't live an extravagant lifestyle either - I just live in a HCOL area with childcare costs. it's easy to see a lump sum like this as a lot, but using it long term will like mean that it's not.
I would think about something like, "Listen, I was still in shock when I found out about the insurance payment. If I had to do it over again, I would not let you know about it, because you are being way too intrusive in suggesting ways for me to spend that money. I am meeting with a financial planner to ensure that this legacy from my husband is invested wisely. If I choose to pay brother's loans, that is my decision, but I'm not going to talk about this issue with you any further. If you insist on bringing it up, it is going to damage our relationship, and I really need your support right now."
I think this is exactly how you should approach the situation. Lay it all out on the line 1 time and refuse to discuss it with her after that. It is disgusting that she said you got this money for nothing. Couples set up life insurance so that the other will be financially secure if something happens to one of them... not so the surviving family can have a free-for-all. I'm sorry you are going through this.
also, pack your bags and go stay at a hotel, and key her car on the way out.
Jesus. Calm down. That's still her mother. I thought it was bad enough that you said f her. You don't need to be so disrespectful to her mom to make a point.
I think you need to tell you mother that it's not up for discussion, that this money is for your life long-term. After all, you went from the earning power of a couple to a single person. I realize you out-earned your husband, but even still, that's something to consider in terms of retirement.
I don't know about the relationship between you and your mother, but I have to assume that she is telling you what to do because she believes she can. You need to be very clear with her that she cannot, but be prepared to accept if that damages the relationship. I am glad you plan to move out asap.
I would tell my friend what Pugz is saying. She may not key her car, but those words will be in her head next time her mother tries to terrorize her by saying "You got free money for having YH die."
Also, compassion is not her strong suit. She also told me that this has been harder on her than on me, because everything is harder when it happens to your child than to you. Ok, let's bring your boyfriend into your living room and have him shoot himself in the head, and have you be the one to find him. Let's see which is the more difficult position. FFS.
Part of the reason she thinks this is "found money" is because H didn't work when he died, and I make a good income. So technically I don't need it for income replacement. And as she says, I'd still have 260k left over, "which is a LOT of money."
I need to start spending more time upstairs. And move out as soon as I get my job transfer.
But I'm sure you would trade that $500k to have your husband back, in a heartbeat. It hardly came without a cost. I think getting life insurance in these circumstances triggers a lot of emotions, one of them about whether you "deserve" it, or feeling guilty for using it or even enjoying the security it has given to you. Your mother is playing into those feelings and amplifying them, when she should be supporting and encouraging you -- letting you know that it's OK to use that money for yourself, or to help you put the pieces back together (the experience has definitely cost you some $$). I think it's 100% natural to have those feelings, but it's really ugly to have someone playing on them for their own benefit. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Money definitely does change some people, huh? (your mother)
You might want to reach out to your brother and talk one-on-one about your thoughts -- that you don't know what you're going to do with it, that you're considering the possibility of paying his loans, that there are different ways to do it and doing it slowly might benefit him more in the long run, etc. (e.g., avoiding gift tax, allowing him to take an interest deduction, etc.) You don't know what kind of information she's poisoning him with, so I think it's wise to open up the communication with him directly.
her mom is totally out of line, I find some of what she's said to the OP unforgivable honestly. In the wake of that kind of loss and trauma, I think losing your shit is acceptable at times.
and I apologize if I was being disrespectful OP, your post hit a chord with me obviously. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with people that will bring you comfort and support.
You have small children and your husband just died? I am very sorry for your loss. But I also think $500K is very little to survive this tragedy. This is NOT money to pay off your brother's student loans. Or to buy a purse. This is money to survive on because you just lost ALL future income of your husband. How many years would it have taken your husband to earn $500K? - 10 years? 15? Less, more? That's what this money is set aside to get you through - his lost wages. Not some "found money" for a big family vacation.
Interest rates are very low, so investing is very difficult and tricky right now. I would definitely plan to invest the entire amount based on the best advice of your financial planner. That might even mean a house or something practical. It might even be paying down high interest student loans. But you mother sounds CRAZY and you should not listen to her.
I'm sitting here with my jaw on the kb over your mother's comments.
I am so, so sorry this is what you are receiving instead of support and unconditional love from her right now. You've gotten good advice and you are on the right track with your financial plans.
I would also back a bag and go to a hotel or crash on a friend's couch, even just for a few days to get some space.
Also, I don't think you are under any obligation to pay your brother's loans. If you want to help him slightly, that is your choice, but this isn't your responsibility.
Ironically you all told me that I shouldn't decide whether to keep or replace my furniture for 6 months- 1 year. That would leave me in a terrible position to move out ASAP! But maybe now you guys see why making no decisions for 6 months- 1 year is not really practical advice. FWIW, I am not in a great place emotionally, but I'm not in the worst place emotionally either. As my BFF said, I am an "active coper." I feel lonely and lost and angry, but I don't feel depressed per se or irrational. I feel ok to make some decisions now, as long as they are reversible.
Also, my mother was on the next flight down when this happened. I found him at 6 PM and she was with me by 10:30. She held me for hours and would not let me go. She is not a bad person. But she does struggle with empathy, and she is bad with money.
I think a hotel sounds like a good idea. Or maybe take some additional leave from work and stay with someone more supportive--I don't know if you are still on leave maybe?
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Again, hang in there.
Part of the reason she thinks this is "found money" is because H didn't work when he died, and I make a good income. So technically I don't need it for income replacement. And as she says, I'd still have 260k left over, "which is a LOT of money."
Just because he was not working at the time of his death does not mean he wouldn't have been employed any other point during his natural life, your mother is completely out of line.
There are plenty of extended stay hotels out there, I would suggest getting out now. Meet with your financial planner and go from there. If you still feel obligated to take over your brother's loans, I would make the payments for now and not pay them off in full until after you've had a lengthy discussion with your financial planner (or had a 2nd opinion) and decide how to handle that (ie. if the interest is less than what you'd be making over the next few years in investments). You have the opportunity to do a lot for yourself AND still pay it forward but now is really not the time to be making kneejerk reactions or choices on how to spend the money, contrary to what your mom believes.
DH's uncle had nearly $1M in life insurance when he died from cancer. My GFIL & GMIL offered to help his aunt sent the money up in a trust and investment portfolio like their own so she could live off the interest and make sure it lasted (they had 4 kids). She blew it all in less than 5 years on vacations, clothing, eating out, etc (not even a house!).
Ironically you all told me that I shouldn't decide whether to keep or replace my furniture for 6 months- 1 year. That would leave me in a terrible position to move out ASAP! But maybe now you guys see why making no decisions for 6 months- 1 year is not really practical advice. FWIW, I am not in a great place emotionally, but I'm not in the worst place emotionally either. As my BFF said, I am an "active coper." I feel lonely and lost and angry, but I don't feel depressed per se or irrational. I feel ok to make some decisions now, as long as they are reversible.
Also, my mother was on the next flight down when this happened. I found him at 6 PM and she was with me by 10:30. She held me for hours and would not let me go. She is not a bad person. But she does struggle with empathy, and she is bad with money.
Well I think I said to put everything but the necessities in storage and rent a furnished apartment. Which I think is actually still a good way to go if you can swing it, I know you are waiting on outside factors before moving. I do still think you should hold off on making major decisions, including what to do with the bulk of your money, for some time. I know it might seem impractical and in some areas of your life it will be, and I admire you for being proactive right now, but with decisions that aren't reversible (like donating or selling furniture, or spending $40k on your brother's loans), I still think you may have an easier time making those choices once some time has passed.
I don't think your mom is a bad person, but I do think that in realms where you know she is going to overstep her boundaries, or where she already has, you need to be a brick wall. Thank her for her concern in instances where you truly believe she means well, but REFUSE to discuss the money issue with her. You do not need to give her any further information besides that you're not discussing it, including why. Just shut that topic down and move on to a new one.
Life insurance money is not like winning the lottery. I would like to have some words with your mom on your behalf. Your husband just died an untimely death for crying out loud! Does the woman have no compassion?
Are you living with her right now? Is there someone else you can stay with who would be more compassionate.
OMFG This is so effing true. Personally I think it's kind of like LOSING the lottery.
I know it's easier said than done, but you just have to stop the dialog. "Mom, I've got it all set up with my financial planner. I appreciate your interest but I'm working with him now, and I don't want to talk about the life insurance anymore." And then when she brings it up again, just literally ignore or remind her the topic's off the table.
The other thing, if you can't just cut it off but you still don't want to engage deeply, is something along the lines of "DDH and I agreed that the insurance payout would [insert whatever here] and I'm going to respect that agreement." My family hasn't outright asked for money from me, but if they did, they would learn that that life insurance money is going to pay for the kids' high school and college. Even if you don't have kids, you can use "replace his income" or "pay down my own debt" or whatever you want to fill in the blank.
I am angry at her on your behalf. OMG. I want to kick her in the shins. Actually not the shins, but she's your mother so I'm trying to keep it clean. Please please please just get the topic off the table and don't engage when she brings it up again. I am so sorry that on top of all the other shit you have to deal with, family not being your safe spot is just not right. Good luck!
I just talked to my brother. He is awesome and rational and he gets it. He agrees that i should do what's best for me long-term financially. He has never asked for a thing or brought up loan repayment. He said he wants me to be secure and happy, and loans are not the first priority. I told him that i still plan to pay his loans eventually but that it may not be right away and i have no idea about the details of how it will happen. He was completely fine with that. He was also disgusted with my mom's comments. We comiserated.
So my brother and i are good. I will build that brick wall with my mom and finances. I will follow the financial advisor's advice. I will not spend the money on anything unnecessary. I will do my best to wait to make any major decisions, but life marches on whether you're in a good headspace to deal with it or not.
I just talked to my brother. He is awesome and rational and he gets it. He agrees that i should do what's best for me long-term financially. He has never asked for a thing or brought up loan repayment. He said he wants me to be secure and happy, and loans are not the first priority. I told him that i still plan to pay his loans eventually but that it may not be right away and i have no idea about the details of how it will happen. He was completely fine with that. He was also disgusted with my mom's comments. We comiserated.
So my brother and i are good. I will build that brick wall with my mom and finances. I will follow the financial advisor's advice. I will not spend the money on anything unnecessary. I will do my best to wait to make any major decisions, but life marches on whether you're in a good headspace to deal with it or not.
I'm glad your brother has his head on his shoulders. Your mom was totally out of line. She claimed that people change when they are faced with lots of money and I think she was right. But it's not you going the changing.
You really seem level headed about all this. I totally get needing a pep talk to set boundaries with your mom, but I have a feeling that you would have done it either way.
The advice you've gotten on here is great. No is a full sentence, boundaries are your friend, and your decisions are yours to make. However, I just wanted to comment to tell you that I am angry at your mother for doing this to you. Instead of supporting you through your grief, she's guilting you into spending "found money" (which it isn't) in the nastiest of ways. If it were me, I'd have ceased all communication with her long ago - you're clearly a better person than I am. I have only admiration and respect for how you're handling this situation, and for your strength. *hugs*