Ugh. Mom is ALL OVER my life insurance money. Help

[Deleted]

Backstory: H died, I am getting 500k in life insurance. Paperwork is signed, it is on its way.

When I first got the news that I was getting that much money, I was in shock. My mother and brother were there when I found out, and I came down the stairs white as a sheet, still holding the phone up near my head even though the call was over. That day, I promised to re-pay my brother's student loans. They total 40k. They're a drop in the bucket compared to mine, but when I put it together, that's half my money gone.

So I started thinking that it might be better to invest the whole amount for a year or two, and then start using the returns to pay off loans. 500k can compound much faster than 260k, after all. I mentioned that to my mom in passing, and she flipped the fuck out. She is prone to flipping out. She started in on me, saying that I "got this money for nothing," "money changes people," I "have an obligation to pay it forward," etc.



This is also pissing me off because she has been all up in my business on what to do with the money. Buy a car in cash, buy a house today in cash, take the family on a nice vacation, buy her a car (swears she was joking, I don't think she is), buy a really expensive handbag, etc etc. Spendspendspendspendspend!!!!! SPEND IT ALLLLLLLL. It's found money! Why not!

My mom is not good with money. Give me a pep talk so I can set some firm boundaries. I've already told her I don't plan to spend the money on anything frivolous whatsoever, and that hopefully I could grow it to put kids through college etc. She was not impressed with that plan. She thinks I'm too uptight with money.

I have an appointment with a trusted financial planner this week. I plan to defer to her judgment of how to best meet my goals. The bigger issue is that my mom doesn't understand saving money, and she wants me to spend it how she sees fit. She is very controlling in general. 

Maybe this is just a vent. I probably need to ignore her and do what I want to do, and accept that she will disagree. Oh, and MOVE OUT as soon as possible.

[heygrey]

I would consider locking it up for a short time. Maybe a year or so. Leave yourself enough to live on, but give yourself time to make good decisions and have the advantage of saying "sorry mom, can't touch it!" Just don't tell her when you'll be able to access it again!

I'm sorry she's being so awful about this. How greedy.

[casmgn]

You are giving her way too much power. There is no need for any explanation. You need to realize it is your money and that no one else gets a say. Just tell your brother that the loan repayment will be delayed because of the way you are going to handle the money. Your mother does not need to be a part of that conversation. Also "no" is a complete sentence.

[meltoine]

Not to be a creepy lurker, but I've seen your posts for the past few weeks and I've been very impressed with how level-headed you seem about the whole situation and I think you're making really good decisions. Don't let your mom derail the good you're planning. It's not her money and not her life. You absolutely did not "get this money for nothing". You got this money so that you can be financially comfortable in the wake of a life-altering tragedy that makes most other aspects of your day-to-day so painfully uncomfortable. Use it for that purpose and don't let your mom bully you. Hugs.

[casmgn]

Also I take it that your husband died recently (I am sorry for your loss btw)? Any therapist would tell you to not make any decisions about how to spend the money (aside from your own pressing needs) for a while until you have had more time to process your emotions.

[CloudBee]

Your mom is over-stepping and you need to not answer her when she asks questions about the money. I see a little conflict with your brother, though. Yes you were in a state of shock when you found out what you were receiving, but you did offer to pay of his loans. That must have been a bit of an emotional experience for him. While I understand you have an emotional connection to this insurance payout, it might be best to pay off his $40k as you had offered to avoid tension.

I do think you should set most of the money aside for a while until you decide what path you want to take next.

[pugz]

shut that shit down immediately.

you need to move out and cease all discussions related to money with her

and how dare she try to profit off money you received from your husband dying! fuck her.

[ladygirl]

Wow. You got the money for nothing? Um... I wouldn't even know how to respond.
I agree that you need to ignore her, and get out from under her roof when you can. She sounds like a little like a bully.

Hang in there! Listen to your instincts and do what you think is best with the money.

[pamela]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with that attitude in this situation. I would just lay down the law with mom that you will not discuss money with her. If she starts, change the subject. If she persists, leave the room. Be blunt that this is none of her concern. Discuss separately with your brother any offer on helping him.

You have no obligation to pay this money forward. The entire point of life insurance is to for your husband to continue providing after his death since he is no longer alive to do it. He would not buy your mom a car or a handbag, right? You'd be working to save for college and other smart things. Keep that in mind.

[Deleted]

Paying it forward is a great thing to do but if the money doubles in 5 or 6 years you can do even more with it then. I think you have the right idea to invest it and then start using the interest/growth to do things like pay off debt, buy a car, take the family on a vacation, etc.

[ladygirl]

And as for your brother... well it's a really nice gesture, and I get that it can get ugly that you offered to pay the loans and he is expecting that, but he should understand that you are going through a tough time right now, and if you decide to change your mind, well that is your prerogative. I don't think you owe it to him to pay the loans just because you said you would in the heat of the moment.

[dapotato]

ignore her as best as you can for now (from someone who lets her mother get under her skin WAY more than she should). move out soon.

greatly limit the amount of information you share with her. answer her questions with a simple yes or no; no further explanation is needed.

vent as much as you need here & to IRL friends.

anecdote: my father passed very young. my mother collected hefty life insurance. about half of it she put away somewhat wisely in investments & college savings accounts for us kids. she used the other half to help friends via "loans" (much of which never got paid back) & upgrade her/our lifestyle beyond what the investment income & her income from working could support long-term. since my early 20s, i have been bailing her out of one financial mess after another. keep your cool, stick to your guns, listen to objective professionals, and keep the big picture in mind.

[Deleted]

Feb 3, 2013 13:33:45 GMT -5 pugz said:

shut that shit down immediately.

you need to move out and cease all discussions related to money with her

and how dare she try to profit off money you received from your husband dying! fuck her.

Team Pugz.

So sorry to have family causing you stress after what you've been through.  I really agree with others that have emphasized saving the money (or at least 90% of the money) for at least a year without doing anything.  Honestly, think about something like a CD, where you will have to take a penalty to touch it!  That will give you some space and also a buffer for your family.

How awful.

[moolarkey]

Listen to your financial planner, take that information and apply you're own good, level-headed sense to it. If necessary, consult a 2nd financial planner.

Stop talking to your mom about financial issues. As said above, no IS a complete sentence. As for your brother, tell him everything is off the table at this point and that you'll be talking to a financial planner and making long-term plans for the money. You did tell him you'd pay his loans, that's really nice but also a huge chunk of money. Talk to the financial planner, possibly instead of paying it all you can pay a percentage of it - or nothing at all.

Talk to your financial planner about how to be able to move out ASAP. If you should rent and then buy, what you should buy and how much to spend.

Do not just spend, spend, spend. If you can invest at least a large portion of this money now, it may mean you can retire early or pursue other dreams you have.

500K sounds like a lot of money and it is - but it can be gone in a blink if you don't think this through.

I am sorry you are going through this. As others have said, in disagreement with your mom, you did not get this for nothing. You got this at the cost of a human being's life. That person left this money for you in order to try to assure your financial well-being after they were gone.

You have what is most likely a once in a lifetime opportunity to not only plan for your future but to also fund it.

Don't let your mom and others deter you. Listen to your financial planner and think things through. You've shown you have a great head on your shoulders.

[dr.girlfriend]

I would think about something like, "Listen, I was still in shock when I found out about the insurance payment. If I had to do it over again, I would not let you know about it, because you are being way too intrusive in suggesting ways for me to spend that money. I am meeting with a financial planner to ensure that this legacy from my husband is invested wisely. If I choose to pay brother's loans, that is my decision, but I'm not going to talk about this issue with you any further. If you insist on bringing it up, it is going to damage our relationship, and I really need your support right now."

[jackie011]

You sound like you're on the right track with the money. My father passed away several years ago from cancer, and my mom had been a SAHM for 30 years at the time. She took all of the insurance money and retirement accounts to her financial planner who suggested exactly what you're thinking- invest and live off of the interest. She draws a monthly "paycheck" from the accounts to cover her monthly expenses and it's worked well for the past few years.

What about this deal with your brother? Is he incapable of paying off the loan himself? Is he already making regular payments? If so, let him keep making the payments and when you can send a little money his way, do it. I would hope he understands the stress you're under and that you need to get a handle on they money before you can make any promises.

[Deleted]

Inform your mother that you will no longer discuss your finances with her and then don't. If she brings it up, change the subject, repeat that you will not discuss your finances with her, or hang up the phone. Whichever seems most fitting.

Her statements and behavior are disgusting. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Kore]

Holy fuck. I agree with everyone else; I'm just so pusses at your mom for putting you in this situation.

[casmgn]

I really like the suggestion of putting the money in CDs for the time being. You may not make a whole lot off them, but your money will be safe and it will force you to wait to make any big decisions.

In my experience, Ally has the best CD rates

[coconutchips]

Pp are all pretty spot on about you mom. I want to point out you never said "how" you'd pay your brothers loans. There's no reason to write a check for 40k right now. You could just make his payments. He should be just as thankful. It's not like having a loan balance hurts him.

[Heisenberg]

Feb 3, 2013 13:33:45 GMT -5 pugz said:

shut that shit down immediately.

you need to move out and cease all discussions related to money with her

and how dare she try to profit off money you received from your husband dying! fuck her.

my sentiments, exactly. Definitely invest the money (at least, most of it...) and make sure you've got yourself and your kids (?) squared away before you start giving "handouts" for the money "you got for nothing" ... jesus, that's so rude of her. even jokingly, it's still poor taste.

[sillygoosegirl]

Life insurance money is not like winning the lottery. I would like to have some words with your mom on your behalf. Your husband just died an untimely death for crying out loud! Does the woman have no compassion?

Are you living with her right now? Is there someone else you can stay with who would be more compassionate.

[Deleted]

Feb 3, 2013 14:01:37 GMT -5 coconutchips said:

Pp are all pretty spot on about you mom. I want to point out you never said "how" you'd pay your brothers loans. There's no reason to write a check for 40k right now. You could just make his payments. He should be just as thankful. It's not like having a loan balance hurts him.

It might even help him more if she gave him a lump sum for the yearly payments and it didn't exceed the gift limits and he still gets to deduct SL interest.  She'd be paying interest, but able to invest the balance in the mean time (hopefully the market would out-perform a SL rate).  There are lots of questions to answer with that sort of scheme I guess, but the FP might be able to help.  I can't even believe your mom.  Wow.  I like Drgirlfriend's advice.

[pitterwoo]

This is not 'found money' at all, WTF?? This is money to help you keep your standard of living now that you H is gone and not able to continue to provide for your family unit. I'm so sorry for you loss and having to deal with this sticky situation on top of it.

That's very nice that you offered to pay your brother's student loans and I think you should honor that. However, that doesn't mean it needs to be a lump sum payment. I think you are right to try to grow your money as much as possible before spending it. So maybe you can just start making payments for brother and pay more when your money has grown.

You need to keep reminding your mother that you didn't win the lottery. You lost a spouse and his earning power and this money is supposed to protect you.

**dd'd personal info** FFS insurance money isn't there to just have a party with.

[Deleted]

Feb 3, 2013 13:33:45 GMT -5 pugz said:

shut that shit down immediately.

you need to move out and cease all discussions related to money with her

and how dare she try to profit off money you received from your husband dying! fuck her.

I totally agree with this. Tell her you aren't talking about the money and physically walk away if needed.

As for your brother, is he more sane about the whole thing? If so, talk to your planner about your desire to help him out. Really if you decide to pay for his loans (when you have NO obligation to, I'm sure he'll be grateful.). If you want to pay them, you can probably do an autodraft for them or just send him $400 a month or whatever.

Remember you don' want to give any individual more than is allowed by the IRS gift limits anyway (used to be $12k--not sure if it has been raised.)

Hang in there. You can do this:)

[Deleted]

I still plan to pay off my brother's loans. He has them for the same reason I do... our parents are bad with money! I was actually thinking of maybe taking over the payments for him in the meantime. He just graduated college and he has a job in his field with opportunity for growth, but he's making $12/hr in Los Angeles.

I'm pretty pissed too. She literally doesn't understand why I would want to save/invest it. She is terrible at long-term planning in general.

[cricketwife]

Feb 3, 2013 13:33:24 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

Your mom is over-stepping and you need to not answer her when she asks questions about the money. I see a little conflict with your brother, though. Yes you were in a state of shock when you found out what you were receiving, but you did offer to pay of his loans. That must have been a bit of an emotional experience for him. While I understand you have an emotional connection to this insurance payout, it might be best to pay off his $40k as you had offered to avoid tension.

I do think you should set most of the money aside for a while until you decide what path you want to take next.

This is exactly what I was going to say.  I'm so sorry that you're dealing with all of this.

[geneg]

A friend of mine inherited about $400K after her partner died. The money was completely gone within two years. A friend of hers had a great great uncle who died and left her something like half a million. Also gone within two years. Not a penny left and nothing to show for it except some random pics from gambling trips (seriously - to Oregon or Washington or some Indian casinos in that area) and a overpriced sports car that she couldn't afford the insurance on.

I second (or third or tenth) Pugz. Go to the financial planner and think LONG TERM.

[pitterwoo]

I am so angry for you right now. I can't even understand where she's getting this from. "Pay it forward"? There's nothing to pay forward, this isn't a happy time! What if you could pay forward the feeling of being punched in the gut that your life has just been turned upside down. Or pay forward the sleepless nights wondering what you're going to do now. I'm not trying to say I know exactly how you feel, but it certainly isn't easy even with the LI money.

[Deleted]

Also, compassion is not her strong suit. She also told me that this has been harder on her than on me, because everything is harder when it happens to your child than to you. Ok, let's bring your boyfriend into your living room and have him shoot himself in the head, and have you be the one to find him. Let's see which is the more difficult position. FFS.

Part of the reason she thinks this is "found money" is because H didn't work when he died, and I make a good income. So technically I don't need it for income replacement. And as she says, I'd still have 260k left over, "which is a LOT of money."

I need to start spending more time upstairs. And move out as soon as I get my job transfer.