When we first moved up here, my Husband called this one girl he has known since high school to suggest that her and I hang out. I felt embarrassed that my Husband was making my friends for me and never hung out with her because I would always wonder if she liked me because she honestly liked me or if she liked me because she felt she had to.
Though he meant well, there were too many "what if's?" and I know I would be too self conscious, knowing he asked her.
I get you. As nice and as sweet as he meant it, it can really make you evaluate the friendship.
Sigh. It is so hard to make friends. I'd take a set up date in a minute. Go out, see if you hit it off, if not no hard feelings. I think you guys are taking this kind of stuff WAY too seriously (and are possibly kind of insecure).
I think you're kind of an ass to suggest that she cannot trust her husband to take care of her kid.
Some people just don't like when their Husband's set them up on friendship dates.
I've done this a bit in reverse with my H. He never takes any time for himself. He is really busy, and when he isn't busy, he likes to spend time with me. Which I appreciate, but he needs to get out with the guys. If I suggest that he asks one of his friends to do wing night, he'll give me a list of reasons for why he can't. If his BFF asks him to wing night, he'll usually make more of an attempt to go, because he realizes that his friend wants to see him. I've reached out to his BFF a few times and told him that H needs a night out.
Sorry you're embarrassed OP. Now I'm rethinking what I've done. FTR, its only been 3 or 4 times throughout the course of the 4 years we've been together, and it usually coincides with his birthday (like H knows that I'm the one paying for them to go play golf) or the end of tax season (he's an accountant).
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
There is a mom I wanted to try and cultivate a relationship with at daycare. She's actually run into a mutual friend and her son at the gym, our sons are super-good friends...I felt like it would happen naturally. That wasn't good enough for my husband who (thank god for once spoke before he acted) announced one day that he was planning to say to her "Son's Friend's Mom, my wife would really like to hang out with you. What's your number?" He totally didn't see the problem.
Yeah, I'm not raging. I'm slightly upset that he can't understand it seems like he's trying to make decisions for me. And I'm embarrassed at what she probably thinks of the whole thing.
But I don't doubt her friendship. We've been friends for almost three years and he's only done this in the last couple of months.
I don't think it is rage worthy. I think if she feels the friendship is secure than have a convo about it with your friend, if you feel like it, and let it be water under the bridge.
Sigh. It is so hard to make friends. I'd take a set up date in a minute. Go out, see if you hit it off, if not no hard feelings. I think you guys are taking this kind of stuff WAY too seriously (and are possibly kind of insecure).
I think you're kind of an ass to suggest that she cannot trust her husband to take care of her kid.
Some people just don't like when their Husband's set them up on friendship dates.
I'm sorry, I realize that could be harsh. But I've seen it with new mothers (not sure how old her kid is) plenty of times before.
Post by daisybuchannan on Apr 2, 2013 15:22:07 GMT -5
I'm surprised by the "I'd be absolutely irate" responses.
Clueless? Maybe. Intentionally harmful? No.
I have a group of girlfriends that are basically like sisters to me, and it wouldn't be weird if my h called them and said "daisy needs a night out, why don't you all get together for drinks and I'll watch the baby." my bday was a month after baby and he basically did that, organized my gfs to take me out and he even gave us a gift card to a nice place in the city. He knew I prob wouldn't have left the baby otherwise.
Post by imojoebunny on Apr 2, 2013 15:24:06 GMT -5
I might be the only one, but I would be glad if DH did this. I am assuming he knows her well, not just a random person. I don't tend to go out at night much on my own, just not my thing, so that may be the difference. My BFF and I don't even go out. I have her here.
i'm trying to think of this in the context of my relationships. if my H texted one of my friends to do this, i think my friend would be cool about it and would likely understand why my H is asking. i mean, i would hope my H would contact a close friend and not some acquaintance, bc in the latter situation, i think that would be way embarassing. but a good friend? i would hope that i could shrug it off.
and while this is embarassing for you -- perhpas you should also try to consider why your H felt he had to do this. sounds like you are having a tough time making time for yourself and it's possible, your H is feelings the effects of this. doesn't justify what he did, but hopefully you underrstnad why he did it.
I agree. I think you are mad because you know he's right to do it. Why do you feel guilty leaving him for the night? Do you secretly think he can't take care of your kid without you? Are you too attached to your kid that you can't orchestrate a night out on your own? Are you embarrassed because that's what you think your friend thinks and are afraid it is true?
There's a reason you feel guilty, and I'm guessing that is why you are embarrassed.
Well of course! There would be no other reason I'd feel guilty, like knowing I'm out having fun with no responsibilities while he sits at home for a night of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
I agree. I think you are mad because you know he's right to do it. Why do you feel guilty leaving him for the night? Do you secretly think he can't take care of your kid without you? Are you too attached to your kid that you can't orchestrate a night out on your own? Are you embarrassed because that's what you think your friend thinks and are afraid it is true?
There's a reason you feel guilty, and I'm guessing that is why you are embarrassed.
Well of course! There would be no other reason I'd feel guilty, like knowing I'm out having fun with no responsibilities while he sits at home for a night of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
Are you saying he never goes out and leaves you with the kid? It is only fair that you both have some alone time out with adults and alone time at home with the kids. I'm sure you have had your share of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
The bottom line is that your H is looking out for you and you are mad at him. I think you need to adjust your perspective and be grateful that he cares. Maybe instead of getting mad you could have said thank you, but I got it in the future.
Well of course! There would be no other reason I'd feel guilty, like knowing I'm out having fun with no responsibilities while he sits at home for a night of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
Are you saying he never goes out and leaves you with the kid? It is only fair that you both have some alone time out with adults and alone time at home with the kids. I'm sure you have had your share of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
The bottom line is that your H is looking out for you and you are mad at him. I think you need to adjust your perspective and be grateful that he cares. Maybe instead of getting mad you could have said thank you, but I got it in the future.
No, I've had my share of nights alone with the kid. There is the added guilt that he's dealing with some hard stuff. I should not be the one getting all the breaks right now.
Post by sweetreverie on Apr 2, 2013 15:38:42 GMT -5
Meh. I did this for my husband kind of. He rarely has any friends and NO dad friends. So he became friends with a guy he liked a lot in high school and he is now married and has kids. So I friended the guy too (even though I barely knew him) and told him we should all get together. DH was mad at first but after hanging out he had a lot of a fun and we have been getting together with them a couple times a month. So I just see it as one spouse trying to help out the other. No mal intent. And certainly nothing rageful about it, jeez.
Post by Captain Serious on Apr 2, 2013 15:38:49 GMT -5
I'm with noodleoo here. I don't think this is parental at all. I think part of being in a marriage is taking care of one another emotionally. Would I rather my husband just tell me to arrange something with my friend and go out? Sure, but he tried that, and she rarely took him up on it. If my husband sees that I'm not getting the outlet that I need, I wouldn't mind one bit if he suggested to a friend that maybe she should urge me out of the house. He knows who my really good friends are and who to approach, as do my friends' husbands know when to approach me.
Now the situation below, or in the one circa described, I'd be upset, because he'd be trying to make friends for me, which implies he doesn't think I can handle it on my own:
When we first moved up here, my Husband called this one girl he has known since high school to suggest that her and I hang out. I felt embarrassed that my Husband was making my friends for me and never hung out with her because I would always wonder if she liked me because she honestly liked me or if she liked me because she felt she had to.
Are you saying he never goes out and leaves you with the kid? It is only fair that you both have some alone time out with adults and alone time at home with the kids. I'm sure you have had your share of spagettios and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.
The bottom line is that your H is looking out for you and you are mad at him. I think you need to adjust your perspective and be grateful that he cares. Maybe instead of getting mad you could have said thank you, but I got it in the future.
No, I've had my share of nights alone with the kid. There is the added guilt that he's dealing with some hard stuff. I should not be the one getting all the breaks right now.
Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know the backstory. But just remember, when he's dealing with hard stuff, he's probably feeling guilty about the toll it is taking on you. So by helping arrange these outings for you, it probably makes him feel happy that he can do something to help take some of the stress off you. As PP just posted, part of being married is taking care of each other. Sometimes you have to let him. And your friend, for that matter, I'm sure she's knows what's going on and is also just trying to support you all. I hope things get better for you all soon.
I think it was nice. He had good intentions. Perhaps he could have gone about it in another way. You shouldn't feel embarrassed. Your friend and H like you!
I am LOLing for real at people who would be irate at this. geezzzuuuus
Yeah, I'm not raging. I'm slightly upset that he can't understand it seems like he's trying to make decisions for me. And I'm embarrassed at what she probably thinks of the whole thing.
But I don't doubt her friendship. We've been friends for almost three years and he's only done this in the last couple of months.
I understand why you feel like that. At the same time, with your follow up post I can understand why he did it. He's TOLD you to go out and have fun and take a night off and you keep refusing. But like another poster said about her husband- he knows if the friend initiates an invite you'll probably go. So he wouldn't see it as making a decision for you, but more helping you out.
And based on people who have been the friend receiving the call from the husband, she thinks it's sweet he is prioritizing you getting out high enough that he suggested the night out.
Maybe a chat with him about how much you feel you need/want to go out vs what he is seeing (and why he thinks you need more breaks) and a "in the future, before you do this again, here's what I'd prefer...."
Post by purplecow0206 on Apr 2, 2013 15:54:23 GMT -5
I actually did this for DH when we were planning our wedding. We'd been going non-stop with the wedding stuff for months (this was probably 2 weeks or so before the wedding) and I could tell that he needed a break. I emailed a bunch of friends from church and arranged for them to all meet him at a bar and told him that day he had to go to the same bar and that I'd see him later.
I think this is sweet and would be touched that DH was that in tune with both what I needed and my inability to articulate the fact that I needed it.