I have a friend that I sometimes go out with on random evenings. Just to get away, have some fun or whatever. We've done dinner, movies, shopping. Admittedly, she asks me more than I ask her. I am trying to ask her every once in awhile. I don't want her to think she always has to be the one to ask, but I have a problem feeling guilty leaving H and DS alone. So I've been slow about it.
I just found out that twice now my H has texted her saying "Hey, my wife could use a night out if you're interested." Which meant he wanted her to call or text me to invite me out that night.
H just told me he doesn't understand why I would be embarrassed by this. He's just trying to help and he knows I need some time away every once in awhile.
I am really embarrassed and also a little mad at him.
I get why he did it - he feels like I need more time away than I've been getting because so much focus has been on him since his dad died. He's had friends coming out of the woodwork to take him out, go golfing or just talk. So yeah - he's trying to give me some time too, but really. Bad way to go about it.
They are clueless! but how can you get mad at them when they have such good intentions and recognize when they have demanded more of us. My DH would totally do something like this.
Really, you are mad at him? You just said that you feel guilty leaving him and your son alone. He obviously knows this, and he knows you need the time out and he was sweet and caring enough to text your friend to ask you out?
Personally, I'd be so pleased that my H cares enough to do that.
ETA: I have a friend whose H sort of does this with me. His wife works so hard (working full time with 3 kids), he knows it and she also feels really guilty leaving them. We always have fun together and if I didn't ask her out, she'd never go out. I think your H's heart is in the right place and you are overreacting.
They are clueless! but how can you get mad at them when they have such good intentions and recognize when they have demanded more of us. My DH would totally do something like this.
I agree. I couldn't be pissed because of the bolded but OMG, I get why you're embarrassed.
Really, you are mad at him? You just said that you feel guilty leaving him and your son alone. He obviously knows this, and he knows you need the time out and he was sweet and caring enough to text your friend to ask you out?
Personally, I'd be so pleased that my H cares enough to do that.
ETA: I have a friend whose H sort of does this with me. His wife works so hard (working full time with 3 kids), he knows it and she also feels really guilty leaving them. We always have fun together and if I didn't ask her out, she'd never go out. I think your H's heart is in the right place and you are overreacting.
He may be coming from a good place but that doesn't mean it isn't embarrassing as hell.
I would be mad and embarrassed. I would get over it, but I would be mad.
I'd be upset. He had good intentions but went about them wrong. I'd be more upset because I would feel embarrassed that my Husband was asking a friend to take me out, not so upset that he asked. I would feel like my friend would feel like I cannot ask to hang out on my own.
Clear it up with her, tell him to maybe not to do that, and go on your merry way.
Post by margotmacomber on Apr 2, 2013 14:59:27 GMT -5
Well, call me crazy but I don't need my H making grown up play dates for me. I would be embarrassed that he was initiating these gtgs and I'm sitting here in the dark thinking that this person is going out of their way to invite me to something. Maybe I'm over thinking this (extreme possibility) but I'm imagining my H texting someone to invite me to hang out, I think I need to reciprocate interaction in the future so I text that person to hang out, H texts them again telling them to invite me to hang out.....I don't like that at all.
If I'm hanging out with someone on the regular, I want it to be voluntary on both sides. And I don't want my H changing the dynamics of my friendships behind my back.
Really, you are mad at him? You just said that you feel guilty leaving him and your son alone. He obviously knows this, and he knows you need the time out and he was sweet and caring enough to text your friend to ask you out?
Personally, I'd be so pleased that my H cares enough to do that.
ETA: I have a friend whose H sort of does this with me. His wife works so hard, he knows it and she also feels really guilty leaving them. We always have fun together and if I didn't ask her out, she'd never go out. I think your H's heart is in the right place and you are overreacting.
He should have suggested to OP that she call her friend and get out bc she deserves it. He totally crossed a line. I would now question if this friend really wanted to hang out with me or if she was just doing it to be nice.
Plus, I don't see how this would erase the guilt factor. If my h suggested to me that I go out I would feel a lot less guilty than going if a friend invited me.
It's pretty much like your mom saying "Go play with little Timmy across the street. He needs friends." when you were a kid. And, I agree with everything margotmacomber said.
i'm trying to think of this in the context of my relationships. if my H texted one of my friends to do this, i think my friend would be cool about it and would likely understand why my H is asking. i mean, i would hope my H would contact a close friend and not some acquaintance, bc in the latter situation, i think that would be way embarassing. but a good friend? i would hope that i could shrug it off.
and while this is embarassing for you -- perhpas you should also try to consider why your H felt he had to do this. sounds like you are having a tough time making time for yourself and it's possible, your H is feelings the effects of this. doesn't justify what he did, but hopefully you underrstnad why he did it.
I agree. I think you are mad because you know he's right to do it. Why do you feel guilty leaving him for the night? Do you secretly think he can't take care of your kid without you? Are you too attached to your kid that you can't orchestrate a night out on your own? Are you embarrassed because that's what you think your friend thinks and are afraid it is true?
There's a reason you feel guilty, and I'm guessing that is why you are embarrassed.
HOLY HELL people. i have no problem leaving my husband and kid for some fun and experience 0 guilt, but i'd be embarrassed if my husband was acting like my MOM and like i was SEVEN, even if it was lovingly and well-intentioned.
When we first moved up here, my Husband called this one girl he has known since high school to suggest that her and I hang out. I felt embarrassed that my Husband was making my friends for me and never hung out with her because I would always wonder if she liked me because she honestly liked me or if she liked me because she felt she had to.
Though he meant well, there were too many "what if's?" and I know I would be too self conscious, knowing he asked her.
I get you. As nice and as sweet as he meant it, it can really make you evaluate the friendship.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
When we first moved up here, my Husband called this one girl he has known since high school to suggest that her and I hang out. I felt embarrassed that my Husband was making my friends for me and never hung out with her because I would always wonder if she liked me because she honestly liked me or if she liked me because she felt she had to.
Though he meant well, there were too many "what if's?" and I know I would be too self conscious, knowing he asked her.
I get you. As nice and as sweet as he meant it, it can really make you evaluate the friendship.
Sigh. It is so hard to make friends. I'd take a set up date in a minute. Go out, see if you hit it off, if not no hard feelings. I think you guys are taking this kind of stuff WAY too seriously (and are possibly kind of insecure).
i'm trying to think of this in the context of my relationships. if my H texted one of my friends to do this, i think my friend would be cool about it and would likely understand why my H is asking. i mean, i would hope my H would contact a close friend and not some acquaintance, bc in the latter situation, i think that would be way embarassing. but a good friend? i would hope that i could shrug it off.
and while this is embarassing for you -- perhpas you should also try to consider why your H felt he had to do this. sounds like you are having a tough time making time for yourself and it's possible, your H is feelings the effects of this. doesn't justify what he did, but hopefully you underrstnad why he did it.
Yeah, I get this. I really do. Things that have happened since his dad's death has taken a bit of a toll on us. There have been times when I clearly needed some time away and he has nearly pushed me out the door or to the bathroom to take a bath. And there has been nights when he told me I needed to call or text her and go out.
I have refused more than I have given in. Maybe it is showing too much.
And I will say, at the very least, neither one of them hid this from me. The first time, she called and we went out and she mentioned "Your husband said you might be free tonight!" which I took as just a lighthearted joke. All four of us text (Me and H and her and her H) each other. So I figured they had been talking about something else and he mentioned I was available.
This time, he told me right after he did it. As in "I just told Kristy you need a night out." Which sparked the discussion of why he would do that and had he done it before.