Baby Brides....What do you think about them?

[dulcemariamar]

What do you think about people who get married young? I got married pretty young, I was 23 at the time so I don't give people the side-eye when I hear about people getting married so young.

However, I was a bit surprised to see Miley Cyrus (age 19) got engaged. I know, it is Hollywood so nothing is strange. I just cant imagine wanting to get married that young. I dont think it even crossed my mind.

What do you think about people getting married young? Do you think it is possible for people to grow together or do you think people will eventually grow apart.

[frlcb]

I think it would have been a horrible choice for me (thank GOD I didn't marry the guy I was dating in my 20s) but I have no opinion at all on what other people do. Some will stay together, some won't. My parents got married at 19 and have been married 46 years.

[Deleted]

I married my (late) first husband at 23. We were both college graduates, had well-paying jobs, and had been together for over 4 years. I don't really consider that to be "young." Under 20? That, to me, is young. However, my aunt and uncle got married two days after her 18th birthday (he was 20, they were both in college), and they are still together over 40 years later.

[anna7602]

It's a lot easier for me to judge/opine when I know the people in question well. It's harder in the abstract. I think I am kind of sensitive about it because people have made some very unkind comments about folks who meet their future husbands in college in my presence and well, even though I didn't marry him right then and there, I did meet and start dating DH at age 20.

That said, I roll my eyes at most famous people engagements, young or not. Hollywood marriages last about a nanosecond.

[bugabean]

My parents were 20. My grandparents were 19-21. It was normal not so long ago.

[dulcemariamar]

I know people always bring up their parents or grandparents when this topic comes up. But do you think that they should be used as evidence that these marriages work out?

Maybe, times are so different that it is comparing apples to oranges when we talk about young people getting married today compared to 30+years ago.

[popcorn]

Well, you know me personally and I think you'll remember that I got engaged at 19 and married at 20. MH is 6 years older than me, but most people still gave me the stinkeye--especially in Spain where getting married before 30 is practically unheard of.

So, I can't judge, but I will say (at the risk of sounding like a beebee) that I think it truly depends on the situation and the individuals planning to marry.

And, this doesn't bring much to the argument, but my dad was 21 and my mom was 30 when they married. He has always said he is very, very happy he settled down young and started a family young because now that he is in his 40s and seeing his collegues just now having their first children he feels like he wouldn't have the energy for it.

Obviously, everyone has a different plan for his/her own life and that's fine by me. However, I am with ana in that I judge most celebrity engagements/marriages because it seems like if you're famous it's probably not going to work out.

[popcorn]

Jun 7, 2012 15:27:33 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I know people always bring up their parents or grandparents when this topic comes up. But do you think that they should be used as evidence that these marriages work out?

Maybe, times are so different that it is comparing apples to oranges when we talk about young people getting married today compared to 30+years ago.

You know, I have wondered this myself.

And I think it can be good proof because if people are happy in a a marriage after so long, not just still married, then it shows people can indeed grow together. I think today, in many cases, it's more of a question of if people choose to or not. I may get flamed for this thought process, but I really believe it.

[cricketwife]

19 seems young to me for our (western) culture. It may work, it may not. It's more the fact that they already broke up once that makes me me

Marrying young is something that I've wondered about personally because I didn't get married until I was 33. When I was in my 20's, I wanted to get married and have 4 kids. I just never met the right guy. Now I've got the right guy, but I'm not sure we'll have kids. In my 20's, I think I could have handled a bunch of kids (physically in my body and energy-wise) but now it seems so overwhelming just to have one that we're not sure, and time is ticking...Anyway, my point is that the younger you marry seems to often (not always) affect the family dynamic that you create.

[dulcemariamar]

I agree that it depends on the individuals. That is why I try not to judge when people decide to get married young. So far things have worked out for me, so of course I think it can work out for other people.

However, I think it is important to have some sort of independence before you get married. Have your own experiences so you wont look back with regret.

[elenetxu]

My brother was 19 and SIL was 18. This is normal in my home town. It's a very religious town, so the divorce rate is pretty low. However, I couldn't have done it!

[popcorn]

Jun 7, 2012 15:44:26 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I agree that it depends on the individuals. That is why I try not to judge when people decide to get married young. So far things have worked out for me, so of course I think it can work out for other people.

However, I think it is important to have some sort of independence before you get married. Have your own experiences so you wont look back with regret.

I don't know that I even completely agree with this. Many people in Spain never have independence before moving in with their SO of 7-10 yeas then marrying them. And they have the same divorce rate as many other countries.

Of course having experiences is good, but I think regrets, like many things in life, is a choice. Just like choosing to have a positive outlook vs letting yourself become overwhelmed by life. Perhaps I am putting too much on personal willpower and of course there are many other factors (clinical depression for example) that play into whether or not someone is happy. But in general I think I am in the camp that life is what you make of it.

[crimsonandclover]

For the area in which I grew up, I got married at just about the average age - 23. I was on the older side in my closest group of friends.

In Germany, I was considered a very young bride. My husband, 27 when we married, was also considered very young by German standards. But whatever - it has worked out well for us so far, and I'm really glad we had some time for us before starting our family.

As for other people, it completely depends on the situation. I have known 19-year-olds who I would trust to make a good decision about their life partner. Then again, I know 30-somethings who I wouldn't trust to be happy with a movie they picked out, let alone a husband.

[dulcemariamar]

I agree that life is what you make of it.

However, I think marriage is more complicated because it involves two people. Even if you are willing to fight 100% to save your marriage, if your SO checks out of your marriage then you really cant do anything.

Life is hard at times. You don't know what things you could face in the future. Some people, grow together while other people just grow apart.

And when I mean independence I think I meant life experiences. Life having a job, or going to school, traveling, being with friends.

[clickerish]

For me it really depends. It's not so much about actual age as mental age and compatibility. If you have two people who are young but with similar life experiences and expectations it's different than if you're 42 and getting married because you feel you're only a real person if you're married.

I got married (and divorced) young. It's not because of my age but because we felt we had no choice. We weren't allowed to see each other unless we got married--TERRIBLE reason. A friend, however, got married at the same age to a man she has now been with for 14 years. They got married because they were committed to each other and really wanted to have their own family (neither had much of one of their own). They're still sure they made the right decision.

[Deleted]

I couldn't have gotten married at 19 'cause I had so much working-on-my-dreams-to-come-true going on. H and I had already been together 2 years at that age, had he proposed I'd have said yes (of course, I was in love out my skull, maybe more than now) and clearly things would have worked out but it just wasn't on anybody's mind, and that's exactly how I feel it should be for teenagers nowadays.

As far as Miley, it's hard to say... I know almost nothing about her life but it seems to me that she has already worked, the way adults work, most of her life. She's not likely to be like any 19 year olds; regardless of how she acts publicly or what it might seem that she does, I'm sure that the pressure that kind of life has put her through made her mature at a fundamental level.
Sure, I also think that she's still 19 at a fundamental level too... The poor thing lives her life in two very extreme and opposite states of affairs. I don't know what to think in her case.

[clogged]

The odds are stacked against them. It'll be tough. I hope my own kids wait until later.

My opinion... One thing about our grandma's generation, is many were done with school at high school. So they were in that mental position to settle down, start a family, the normal shebang. Many 18/19/20 year olds today are still in college. So they're still in a state of being stimulated mentally, still determining ideals, and not in that "ok, done with school now comes the life part" moment yet. Plus grandmas may have worked, but not had careers. So grandma's 19 year old is like our 25 year old.

[Deleted]

I couldn't have gotten married at 19, but I was 25 and H was 23 at our wedding and we had been engaged for a year before that. So we weren't exactly old either. I think that most marriages end in divorce, so I'm not going to judge the baby brides either. I hope they found someone great and that they can make it work.

[ktkl09]

DH was 23 and I was 24 when we got married. Looking back, I think it was young. If we had the chance to change it, wait a few years and date for longer we would have, but as we all know visa issues are complicated and sometimes getting married is the easiest thing to do. I don't regret it, but I would have rather been 27 or 28.

That being said, I don't think it's ideal to get married when you are under 20, I think we need to experience life before, but sometimes it works out. Waiting a few years can't hurt.

[popcorn]

Jun 7, 2012 16:03:32 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

However, I think marriage is more complicated because it involves two people. Even if you are willing to fight 100% to save your marriage, if your SO checks out of your marriage then you really cant do anything.

Completely agree. It obviously can't work if one partner decides it's not worth it anymore.

[bail229]

It depends on the person/couple. I'm glad that I did not get married at a young age. I got married at 29 and I am happy with that. I think back to the person I was in my early 20's and that is a very different person than the one I was when I got married. Getting married a bit older gave me the chance to do some things i probably wouldn't have gotten the chance to do if I was married. I am very happy with how everything has worked out!

[rhiannonsage]

Marriage is between two people, so who are we to judge it. I most certainly will not because I was a young bride and so far still very happily married and happy with the choices I/we made. Things are hard, sure, but things can be hard no matter what age you are. I do agree that it really depends on the people/situation though. Also, as someone mentioned earlier "Hollywood" marriages are a catagory all in their own. lol

[bugabean]

Eh, I don't think it's exactly apples and oranges to compare to an earlier generation. It seems to me that the difference today is that we have more opportunities, so getting married at a young age doesn't usually seem like the only or best option anymore. It used to be more common because the option to wait wasn't usually a good one. But that doesn't mean that today the option to NOT wait has suddenly become a bad one.

[GilliC]

I also got married at 23. Obviously I regret it, because I don't think I figured out who I really am until I was around 27 or 28 (if I know now). I think it's okay for some people, but I also think it wouldn't hurt to wait a while and make sure. I wish visa, insurance, societal, and other pressures didn't make it so hard to stay committed and unmarried.

I admit that I side-eye marriage before 22, because I can hardly think of anyone who's grown into themself by then.

[ninjatofu]

I side eye young marriage. Sorry, I do. I'm sure it works out great for some people, but I agree that you grow so, so much in your 20's, why not wait until you've had more life experience to get married and play house? I met DH when I was 19, we had both dated other people before that and we didn't marry until we were 26 or 27. It worked for us. During that time we worked different jobs, moved abroad a few times, lived together, lived apart, lived on different continents and were still happy together.

I can't imagine if we had married at 20-23. If we had, we would have probably had kids right away, bought a house right away, focused on careers right away - and would be stuck there. This way we grew together but also independently and had more freedom to do what we wanted, without being tied down to doing "what you're supposed to do once you get married" like everyone else was doing.

And I think we're much happier for it.

[Waffles]

I'm with ninjatofu. We also met at 19 but didn't get married until 28. I'm not sure it would have all worked out had we married at say 22. We did grow together but marriage wasn't a necessity for us to do that.

[oneslybookworm]

I'm more of a "live and let live" type of person. I don't side eye it, because it has nothing to do with me. Now, do I think the odds are typically stacked against someone that young, yep...but then again, the odds were stacked against me when I got engaged to a man I'd only met 4 months prior, and it's worked out great. Everyone is differe.t

[ninjatofu]

You got engaged after 4 months?

Side eye.... side eye...

And you live in the Netherlands? And read books?

Side eye.... SIDE EYE...

[mrsukyankee]

If I had kids who wanted to get married, this is what I would tell them:

I don't care when you get married as long as you can have very frank and honest conversations about the following with your partner:
- money & how you are going to use/not use it, and how you are going to set up a budget
- how you spend your free time
- sex and sexuality
- children
- religion
- lifestyle
-dreams
- therapy & mental health issues

And then you have to be with someone who is a good fit in the above, is easy to be with, makes you feel better about who you are, and encourages you to do the things you love (and doesn't have a hissy fit if you want to spend time with other people).

I also believe that you ought to have earned your own money for at least one year and had to budget for something, be it rent, a big purchase, etc. I'd prefer that you are paying for your own rent instead of moving from parent to marriage, but if not, then you must be paying for other things such as transportation.

If all of the above apply and you are 19 years old, then I'm okay with you getting married. I would encourage you to have pre-marrage therapy for a few weeks to go through all this. And then I would state that you should seek out therapy if things seem to feel not so great later on.

[Deleted]

mrsuk, what is that adorable creature in your siggy? Is it a squirrel?