How would you handle this? -Lurker/marriage/etc

[yellowroses]

H has had to go back and forth to his hometown a few times over the last month to help his parents with a house project. He was there two weekends ago and this past weekend, and I met him there on Saturday to just spend the day/night.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to use the bathroom and grabbed his phone as a flashlight to get from the bedroom to the bathroom. While in there, a text message came through from an unassigned phone number asking him to meet up at a bar. Curiosity got to me, and I scrolled through texts from previous conversations with this person.

The weekend before she had sent him a text letting him know who she was (she was a friend, but he didn't have the number) and saying she thought he was cute. He hadn't responded.

Saturday morning he had gotten a text from her saying "I'm sorry" and he responded saying "Me too." She then wrote back and said "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything else to happen."

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about how to handle this and trying to calm down so I could have a clear head when doing whatever I decided to do. I woke him up a few hours later and asked what had happened on Friday night. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, and I told him that I knew something had happened.

He told me that he'd been at a bar with a guy friend, when this girl and another girlfriend of hers arrived. They all hung out until the bar closed and then went to the other guy's house. H admitted to leading the girl on and said that they were flirting and she tried to kiss him. According to him, he rejected the kiss and left. He admitted that he put himself in a bad situation and that he'd never do anything to risk our marriage. FWIW, he didn't know how I knew anything had happened, so he could have just lied, but I don't think he did. He told me over and over throughout the rest of the night/morning how much he loves me and values our marriage and would never do anything to lose me.

I believe him (at least, I believe that nothing big happened.. maybe a kiss, but I wouldn't want to know about it), but the more I think about it, the more angry I get. He did put himself in that situation. He did admit to flirting and leading her on. We talked for hours about what we need to do to improve our own relationship, and I felt ok... but I keep getting more and more angry and disappointed and hurt and embarrassed.

How do I handle this? I don't really have a problem with innocent flirting, but I feel like he crossed a line. And even if he is genuinely sorry and really won't do it again, I'm still mad.

Any advice?

[pinkflats]

How do you cuddle in a bar? Me thinks someone isn't telling the truth.

[Jalapeñomel]

If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling.

I'm thinking more then just a kiss happened. What does your gut tell you?

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:26:16 GMT -5 pinkflats said:

How do you cuddle in a bar? Me thinks someone isn't telling the truth.

They went back to another person's house - all four of them.

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2013 16:22:01 GMT -5 tators said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:17:37 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

H has had to go back and forth to his hometown a few times over the last month to help his parents with a house project. He was there two weekends ago and this past weekend, and I met him there on Saturday to just spend the day/night.

In the middle of the night, I woke up to use the bathroom and grabbed his phone as a flashlight to get from the bedroom to the bathroom. While in there, a text message came through from an unassigned phone number asking him to meet up at a bar. Curiosity got to me, and I scrolled through texts from previous conversations with this person.

The weekend before she had sent him a text letting him know who she was (she was a friend, but he didn't have the number) and saying she thought he was cute. He hadn't responded.

Saturday morning he had gotten a text from her saying "I'm sorry" and he responded saying "Me too." She then wrote back and said "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything else to happen."

I laid in bed for a while, thinking about how to handle this and trying to calm down so I could have a clear head when doing whatever I decided to do. I woke him up a few hours later and asked what had happened on Friday night. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, and I told him that I knew something had happened.

He told me that he'd been at a bar with a guy friend, when this girl and another girlfriend of hers arrived. They all hung out until the bar closed and then went to the other guy's house. H admitted to leading the girl on and said that they were flirting and she tried to kiss him. According to him, he rejected the kiss and left. He admitted that he put himself in a bad situation and that he'd never do anything to risk our marriage. FWIW, he didn't know how I knew anything had happened, so he could have just lied, but I don't think he did. He told me over and over throughout the rest of the night/morning how much he loves me and values our marriage and would never do anything to lose me.

I believe him (at least, I believe that nothing big happened.. maybe a kiss, but I wouldn't want to know about it), but the more I think about it, the more angry I get. He did put himself in that situation. He did admit to flirting and leading her on. We talked for hours about what we need to do to improve our own relationship, and I felt ok... but I keep getting more and more angry and disappointed and hurt and embarrassed.

How do I handle this? I don't really have a problem with innocent flirting, but I feel like he crossed a line. And even if he is genuinely sorry and really won't do it again, I'm still mad.

Any advice?

This makes me think it was more than a kiss.

This, exactly.
The way you describe it makes me think your line of questioning made him suspicious that you knew something so he came up with a more innocent story. I wish that I had advice for you, but I'm sorry that you're going through this. :/

[emptygee]

Jun 3, 2013 16:26:16 GMT -5 pinkflats said:

How do you cuddle in a bar? Me thinks someone isn't telling the truth.

They went to someone's house after the bar. That's where the "cuddling" happened.

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:27:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling.

I'm thinking more then just a kiss happened. What does your gut tell you?

I think they kissed.  And I think he freaked out and stopped.

He says they didn't kiss, just that she tried.

I have no way of knowing - that is just my gut feeling.   I also believe that he was truthful in saying that he felt like shit afterwards, because he put himself in that situation.

I also think that if he were going to lie about the whole thing, he wouldn't have admitted some of the things he admitted.  He admitted that he led her on, admitted that they were flirting, admitted that he has felt stress and boredom in our marriage.  I think if he were going to lie, he would have lied about all of it.  But maybe I'm in denial.

[pinkflats]

Jun 3, 2013 16:29:29 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:26:16 GMT -5 pinkflats said:

They went back to another person's house - all four of them.

I missed that part. I find that even more odd...like were they laying on a bed/couch cuddling with each other and then kissed? I agree with everyone else that counseling is probably in order here.

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2013 16:22:01 GMT -5 tators said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:17:37 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Saturday morning he had gotten a text from her saying "I'm sorry" and he responded saying "Me too." She then wrote back and said "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything else to happen."

This makes me think it was more than a kiss.

+1. This sounds like she was saying that they ended up sleeping together when all she wanted was cuddle time. FWIW, I'd kill H if I ever found out he 'just cuddled' with another woman. Or even kissed her. 

If you really want to save the marriage, I say counseling. But something tells me he's a lying liar who lies. 

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:31:46 GMT -5 RexManningDay said:

Yeah ... unless he was already "cuddled up" with her - sitting real close, arms around each other and MAYBE then she tried to kiss him, this doesn't add up. And - especially without you knowing anything about it - even that crosses the line of innocent flirting for me. Which doesn't bother me either, but this just seems really off.

I agree with this.

[themysteriouswife]

How did she get the number?

[Deleted]

Oh and, did you call him out on the text...ask him what she meant by that. Because that does NOT sound like they just kissed. Sorry OP

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:34:29 GMT -5 themysteriouswife said:

How did she get the number?

Either he gave it to her or a mutual friend did.  The first text did say "Hey, this is Firstname Lastname." So I know her name.  And I've FB stalked her.  No clues.

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2013 16:32:40 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:27:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling.

I'm thinking more then just a kiss happened. What does your gut tell you?

I think they kissed.  And I think he freaked out and stopped.

He says they didn't kiss, just that she tried.

I have no way of knowing - that is just my gut feeling.   I also believe that he was truthful in saying that he felt like shit afterwards, because he put himself in that situation.

I also think that if he were going to lie about the whole thing, he wouldn't have admitted some of the things he admitted.  He admitted that he led her on, admitted that they were flirting, admitted that he has felt stress and boredom in our marriage.  I think if he were going to lie, he would have lied about all of it.  But maybe I'm in denial.

I don't know your H, but there's a big difference between a kiss and sex. The cuddling comment is a huge eyebrow raiser for me that makes me think it was more than just a kiss. 

It really doesn't matter, though. I agree with everyone who says counseling is a must. I'm so sorry this happened.

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:34:43 GMT -5 @utahlove13 said:

Oh and, did you call him out on the text...ask him what she meant by that. Because that does NOT sound like they just kissed. Sorry OP

I did tell him later that I'd seen the text.  He knows now, but it was after he'd told me his side of everything.

His explanation didn't contradict what I'd seen, which is why I believed him.  I did ask him why he said he was sorry, and he said that he felt bad for leading her on.

The only reason that I feel like he may be truthful is because she apologized.  Who would apologize if things had gone well?  I feel like she did it because she felt like an idiot after he stopped it.

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2013 16:32:40 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:27:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling.

I'm thinking more then just a kiss happened. What does your gut tell you?

I think they kissed.  And I think he freaked out and stopped.

He says they didn't kiss, just that she tried.

I have no way of knowing - that is just my gut feeling.   I also believe that he was truthful in saying that he felt like shit afterwards, because he put himself in that situation.

I also think that if he were going to lie about the whole thing, he wouldn't have admitted some of the things he admitted.  He admitted that he led her on, admitted that they were flirting, admitted that he has felt stress and boredom in our marriage.  I think if he were going to lie, he would have lied about all of it.  But maybe I'm in denial.

I don't necessarily think that would be a guarantee. Maybe I'm just super cynical or a really creative liar, but part of me thinks him admitting to that stuff could be him trying to appease you with *something* in hopes that you'd back off from further questioning. :/  Sorry you're dealing with this. 

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:40:43 GMT -5 @smace said:

I still think he's lying to you. He's telling you a watered down version of what happened. Bc what's in her text "just wanted to cuddle" and his explanation of rebuffing a kiss do not add up.

At all.

So what do I do now?  I have no idea what to do with this, or what to ask, or how to handle it.  No idea.

[leeann]

No, just no. If she just wanted to cuddle, they were in a bed/on a couch. Not appropriate for a married man.

[vanillacourage]

I think he did more than cuddle. I think he didn't really stop at kissing.

And I think that if he had really realized how bad he messed up and wanted to put an end to the temptation, he would have replied to her "I'm sorry" text by telling her not to contact him again. Which he didn't do - in fact, he left it open enough for her to invite him out again.

I'm sorry OP.

[Deleted]

I am replying without reading others responses bc sometimes I feel one way and I read responses and change my mind. but i am putting this out there as my first thought.  How did she get his cell phone number? 

I don't feel good about this one. i think more happened then he is telling you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but I think that its not adding up

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 16:53:45 GMT -5 jellymankelly said:

Admittedly, I lean towards the "this is cheating, shut it down" side because my XH cheated on me several times, but I see several red flags here. If he's going out of town a lot, has texts of this nature (some coming in the middle of the night) from another woman, and he admits to flirting with her and leading her on, that's enough information for me. Something is broken here and if you want to fix it, counseling is the only way. I feel like you're making excuses for him right now (I did this for years, so I get it), but the truth is, regardless of what really happened, he behaved inappropriately and broke your trust. Please don't let him brush this off as nothing or an overreaction on your part.

I probably am making excuses, and I don't think I have completely processed it yet.  I'm just torn.

I thought everything was good.  I know our relationship isn't perfect, but I'm happy.  We are (were?) in a good place.

And apparently I was wrong, but I didn't know it.

Maybe there is a bit of shock too. 

[Deleted]

Jun 3, 2013 16:39:29 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:34:43 GMT -5 @utahlove13 said:

Oh and, did you call him out on the text...ask him what she meant by that. Because that does NOT sound like they just kissed. Sorry OP

I did tell him later that I'd seen the text.  He knows now, but it was after he'd told me his side of everything.

His explanation didn't contradict what I'd seen, which is why I believed him.  I did ask him why he said he was sorry, and he said that he felt bad for leading her on.

The only reason that I feel like he may be truthful is because she apologized.  Who would apologize if things had gone well?  I feel like she did it because she felt like an idiot after he stopped it.

could have apologized for a million things. Maybe she was really drunk, maybe they fooled around and she felt bad after and so did he.... maybe she puked on his shoes. I mean just because she said sorry it doesn't mean it was her trying to kiss him and him shrugging her off. sorry OP I feel bad about this situation for you

[Deleted]

Yeah, I don't think it was just a kiss either. The texts just don't add up. And she said "I'm sorry" to feel him out, see how he feels about what happened. 

[underwaterrhymes]

I'm so sorry.

I don't think he's being honest with you. "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything more to happen," to me says very loudly that it was not just a kiss.

I definitely think counseling - definitely for you if not for the both of you as well - is in order. Only you can know if you think this relationship is worth salvaging.

Again, I'm really sorry.

[Kore]

I really don't like that he didn't tell you. I have a hard time trusting that he's not still hiding details. Her apology text makes no sense in the context of what he claims happened. Cuddling?

I was in a somewhat similar situation years ago. The thing that saved trust for me was that he told me immediately. I didn't find out on my own. He was completely forthcoming. It still hurt so much, but I never lost trust. It was a fuck up.

I'm not sure how I'd proceed if I were the one who discovered it after he didn't tell me.

[RoxMonster]

I'm sorry, but I, too, feel like he is lying. I think they kissed and then some. I agree he probably admitted SOMETHING so that it wouldn't seem suspicious and you would stop asking questions but is not admitting to the much larger and bigger things that happened. The I'm sorry and Me, too texts are also eyebrow-raising.

Sorry you're going through this

[angelaa73]

No. If she said, I just wanted a hug. but no. She said cuddle, as in lying down, imo

[yellowroses]

Jun 3, 2013 17:16:19 GMT -5 jjwritergirl said:

2: I'm surprised you're being cavalier about him lying about the kiss and just wanting to accept his answer and move on. If my husband lied about what happened that would bother me just as much or more than the incident itself. The lie completely contradicts his proclamations of devoted love.

I don't want to accept the answer and move on.  I'm still just trying to figure out in my head what is next.

Counseling, ok, I agree with that.

But I don't know what kind of conversation should be had.  I don't know how to say what I want to say, and don't really even know what I want to express.  I want him to tell me the truth, but I don't know how to make that happen.

I'm not going to turn my head on this one, I just am still figuring out how to handle it.

[pantsparty]

"I just meant to cuddle," to me implies something sexual happened. It AT LEAST implies they were laying together, their bodies touching, and that thought alone would send me through the roof.

I would ask for his phone records.

[hopecounts]

Jun 3, 2013 16:32:40 GMT -5 yellowroses said:

Jun 3, 2013 16:27:06 GMT -5 Jalapeñomel said:

If you want to save your marriage, seek counseling.

I'm thinking more then just a kiss happened. What does your gut tell you?

I have no way of knowing - that is just my gut 
I also think that if he were going to lie about the whole thing, he wouldn't have admitted some of the things he admitted.  He admitted that he led her on, admitted that they were flirting, admitted that he has felt stress and boredom in our marriage.  I think if he were going to lie, he would have lied about all of it.  But maybe I'm in denial.

Nope, the key to successfully lying is to change the bare amount necessary to hide what you don't want to cop to, this is why OSS told its agents if captured to change as few facts as possible to keep their cover. The less lying you do the easier it is to appear truthful and to keep your story straight.
if he picked up on the fact that you knew something had happened the best way to hide it would be to admit to something happening but make it minimal, like an almost kiss.
he may or may not have done that but I wouldn't assume that because he copped to an almost kiss that nothing more than a kiss happened.