Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jun 3, 2013 17:27:14 GMT -5
I wonder if he'd be so willing to believe if he found similar texts between you and some guy on your phone. I wonder what he'd do if you said you got bored in the marriage and decided to flirt and cuddle with some random guy.
I'm with pretty much everyone else who thinks he's still lying. As far as where to go from here, I guess counseling, but truthfully I don't think trust like this is really something that can or should be completely rebuilt.
2: I'm surprised you're being cavalier about him lying about the kiss and just wanting to accept his answer and move on. If my husband lied about what happened that would bother me just as much or more than the incident itself. The lie completely contradicts his proclamations of devoted love.
I don't want to accept the answer and move on. I'm still just trying to figure out in my head what is next.
Counseling, ok, I agree with that.
But I don't know what kind of conversation should be had. I don't know how to say what I want to say, and don't really even know what I want to express. I want him to tell me the truth, but I don't know how to make that happen.
I'm not going to turn my head on this one, I just am still figuring out how to handle it.
Tell him you talked to the woman and she admitted they had sex. Maybe he'll admit to it then.
Disclaimer: this probably isn't the healthiest way to go about this. It's just what I would probably do.
I don't want to accept the answer and move on. I'm still just trying to figure out in my head what is next.
Counseling, ok, I agree with that.
But I don't know what kind of conversation should be had. I don't know how to say what I want to say, and don't really even know what I want to express. I want him to tell me the truth, but I don't know how to make that happen.
I'm not going to turn my head on this one, I just am still figuring out how to handle it.
Tell him you talked to the woman and she admitted they had sex. Maybe he'll admit to it then.
Disclaimer: this probably isn't the healthiest way to go about this. It's just what I would probably do.
I'm tempted to actually ask her.
But I'm pretty sure she would tell him before she responded to me. She knows he is married.
Tell him you talked to the woman and she admitted they had sex. Maybe he'll admit to it then.
Disclaimer: this probably isn't the healthiest way to go about this. It's just what I would probably do.
I'm tempted to actually ask her.
But I'm pretty sure she would tell him before she responded to me. She knows he is married.
In that case, call her (don't text) and tell her your DH told you they had sex and she better stay away from your man. Note her response. Does she deny? If not, there's your answer.
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
Post by pantsoffdanceoff on Jun 3, 2013 17:42:31 GMT -5
I'm a lurker and literally just made a username so I could respond to this. 2 years ago I found some questionable emails between my husband and a friend of a friend of his (following me?). I confronted him with them, the emails were definitely more one-sided with her as the pursuer. He apologized and said that they were inappropriate and that he didn't like her. I asked that we go to counseling because it just made me feel uncomfortable in my marriage. He didn't want to go, said it was unnecessary. We got along wonderfully, had an awesome time together as a couple and really just had fun as a married couple. Less than a year ago I finally found out that they were in fact having an affair. No one knew, they were very secretive about it. We tried to work it out but the damage had been done and we finalized our divorce earlier this year. It was the hardest thing to go through. I said all that to say this, you need to confront him again. Tell him you don't buy his story of her trying to kiss him because it does not jive with the "cuddling" comment. And the only way that this marriage will work is that he has to come completely clean to you and you need to start therapy ASAP. Only you know what your deal breakers are. I think if I had known at the beginning that we could have worked through things, but the constant lying is what did us in. Also, go to your cell provider and block her number. I wish you luck truly.
Sorry for the formatting, I promise I will get better.
I would definitely be the crazy wife who calls her. From his phone. I would say I talked to my husband and now wanted her side. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I feel like he's still lying to you. If someone said they just meant to cuddle, I would assume something of a sexual nature happened. I also don't like the fact that he appeared to tell you all (according to him) once confronted but if it really wasn't anything, why not come clean after it happened. You're husband needs to not be texting with other chicks you don't know. He shouldn't be going to bars to meet up with them. He should not be going back to anybodies place with said chick. And he shouldn't be leading anyone on. That in and of itself would be enough for me.
They went back to another person's house - all four of them.
I missed that part. I find that even more odd...like were they laying on a bed/couch cuddling with each other and then kissed? I agree with everyone else that counseling is probably in order here.
I don't want to pile on, but I'm in the "something happened that hes not telling you about" club. Not that I make a habit of hitting on married men, but if I did, and we kissed and nothing else happened because he stopped it, I wouldnt text, "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything else to happen"; I would text, "Nothing would have happened, y'know" or something like that.
I would think long and hard about whether his story adds up. From where I'm sitting, I do not think it does. Good luck.
I don't know how you aren't seeing them apologizing to each other for having sex when she just wanted to cuddle. The guy cheated. They both feel really guilty. My guess is this is the first time with her, but not his first time cheating. Sorry dude.
H has had to go back and forth to his hometown a few times over the last month to help his parents with a house project. He was there two weekends ago and this past weekend, and I met him there on Saturday to just spend the day/night.
In the middle of the night, I woke up to use the bathroom and grabbed his phone as a flashlight to get from the bedroom to the bathroom. While in there, a text message came through from an unassigned phone number asking him to meet up at a bar. Curiosity got to me, and I scrolled through texts from previous conversations with this person.
The weekend before she had sent him a text letting him know who she was (she was a friend, but he didn't have the number) and saying she thought he was cute. He hadn't responded.
Saturday morning he had gotten a text from her saying "I'm sorry" and he responded saying "Me too." She then wrote back and said "I just wanted to cuddle and didn't mean for anything else to happen."
I laid in bed for a while, thinking about how to handle this and trying to calm down so I could have a clear head when doing whatever I decided to do. I woke him up a few hours later and asked what had happened on Friday night. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about, and I told him that I knew something had happened.
He told me that he'd been at a bar with a guy friend, when this girl and another girlfriend of hers arrived. They all hung out until the bar closed and then went to the other guy's house. H admitted to leading the girl on and said that they were flirting and she tried to kiss him. According to him, he rejected the kiss and left. He admitted that he put himself in a bad situation and that he'd never do anything to risk our marriage. FWIW, he didn't know how I knew anything had happened, so he could have just lied, but I don't think he did. He told me over and over throughout the rest of the night/morning how much he loves me and values our marriage and would never do anything to lose me.
I believe him (at least, I believe that nothing big happened.. maybe a kiss, but I wouldn't want to know about it), but the more I think about it, the more angry I get. He did put himself in that situation. He did admit to flirting and leading her on. We talked for hours about what we need to do to improve our own relationship, and I felt ok... but I keep getting more and more angry and disappointed and hurt and embarrassed.
How do I handle this? I don't really have a problem with innocent flirting, but I feel like he crossed a line. And even if he is genuinely sorry and really won't do it again, I'm still mad.
Any advice?
This makes me think it was more than a kiss.
This was also my first thought. I think you both need to go to counseling, and you have the right to be angry.
I feel like the reason she apologized is because they had sex, he probably got a little anxious afterward (because he's married) and they both felt guilty. Make sense?
Either way, something happened. Something more than what he is telling you. Demand the truth and figure out what to do from there, whether it's counseling or kicking his ass out the door.
I might call her if it was me not to get information out of her (because I'm sure she'd lie and I would never trust what she said anyway) but just to tell the bitch what I thought of her and give her a piece of my mind. Not necessarily healthy, nothing I would necessarily recommend doing, but if I'm being 100% truthful, I could totally see myself doing that. Yep.
ETA: I would give my H an even bigger piece of my mind. He has absolutely just as much to blame as her.
If they didn't have sex, he definitely got a BJ. That would make the texts make sense. He probably "tried to stop her" but eventually just let her do it. And then they both had the guilt.
OP, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. But your H is lying and (at the VERY least) being inappropriate with other women, seeking attention outside your marriage. You both need counseling, individual and couples', if you want to save this marriage. BUT. Remember that YOU wanting to save it won't mean shit if he isn't 1000% committed as well. It's good that he didn't immediately go defensive and try to turn the situation around on you (e.g., Why were you looking through my phone, etc.) but going forward, he's going to have to agree to complete transparency. I'd be curious to see if his attitude is so apologetic when you ask to see his texts on the regular.
Post by megalicious on Jun 3, 2013 19:23:10 GMT -5
I'm sorry this is happening. I do agree, more than a kiss happened and he's not admitting to it. Like PPs said, he's admitting to the minimum possible to corroborate what you already know. Remember, his first response was "I have no idea what you're talking about". Then it became, Almost nothing happened... they're both sorry. If they're both so sorry, why is she asking him to meet up again? Clearly he didn't give the impression that [whatever it was] was never to happen again. What texts other texts were there that he had already deleted??
I am so sorry you are going through this. Get a counselor and get checked for StDs, may be overkill. May not.
You are glossing over a lot here. First thing, she had his number. No matter how she came about it, his actions made it appear that he, a married man, would be open to having it.
And maybe it is just me, but cuddling, an apology? This all sounds pretty damn intimate for someone you met once. Why bother sending a text to someone who you weren't planning/ have hope to see again. The apology takes it a step further.
Don't call the other woman. You can't trust anything she says, and you won't get anything that makes you feel better out of the conversation.
Another good forum to check out is SurvivingInfidelity.com. There is a lot of support there to get more info, deal with your H, and support whether you choose to try to work it out or go.
could have apologized for a million things. Maybe she was really drunk, maybe they fooled around and she felt bad after and so did he.... maybe she puked on his shoes. I mean just because she said sorry it doesn't mean it was her trying to kiss him and him shrugging her off. sorry OP I feel bad about this situation for you
Nah.. His response of "me too" is a little telling. If she puked on his shoes he probably would have responded more like "Hey, don't worry about it. Happens to the best of us." or something. The "me too" sounds like she was saying "I'm sorry, I knew you were married and we still had sex/fooled around/made out and I know you felt bad afterwards and it shouldn't have happened."
Yes I totally agree Nic.. but OP said that she believed the whole "she tried to kiss me and I said No" because she texted him an apology. I was just saying that an apology could have been for a million things.. But I am on the same page as you
Myabe she was texting him a lot about seeing him and he he couldn't see her bc you were there so she said sorry I just wanted to cuddle with me.. Which then would lead me to believe they have def had sex.
Not saying this is true but maybe he told her to stop texting him bc you were there and she said sorry.
I've only read the first page, so perhaps this issue has already been addressed:
I think we're belaboring the "cuddle" past here. Let's go to the very beginning of this: WHY AND HOW IN THE HELL did this broad get a married man's number?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Even if what he said is true, he went to a bar with his friend and proceeded to flirt and hit on another woman. He then went to his friends home with her where something inappropriate happened. Assuming his friend did in fact give his number out he did so b/c your husband's behavior lead him to believe it was okay. I would assume he has been hanging out with this friend and flirting with women on all these trips. Maybe he felt guilty and stopped, maybe he didn't. He was calculating and even if he is guilty this isn't one of those things that just happened. Saying no and going home at several points would have prevented all of this.
Focus on your husband's actions and what you want to do. Nothing in your marriage caused his poor behavior, he did that all on his own. Don't let him turn you into the bad guy or try to make your believe that everything can be fixed without help.
My marriage ended because of my husband's cheating, and this post is honestly bringing tears to my eyes because all of the feelings have come rushing back. All of the panic and anxiety and self-doubt. I ignored so many signs, so many inconsistencies in his story, because denial is a powerful thing. I think you know that they did more than kiss. What you do now is up to you, but I will say that once the trust is gone, it's hard to recover. Visit survivinginfidelity.com and you find stories of how some couples did manage to recover, but it was something I couldn't get over, and believe me, I tried. I tried so hard and for so long, and in hindsight, I have no idea why I bothered. My marriage wasn't worth saving, but it's hard to see that at the time.
Even if what he said is true, he went to a bar with his friend and proceeded to flirt and hit on another woman. He then went to his friends home with her where something inappropriate happened. Assuming his friend did in fact give his number out he did so b/c your husband's behavior lead him to believe it was okay. I would assume he has been hanging out with this friend and flirting with women on all these trips. Maybe he felt guilty and stopped, maybe he didn't. He was calculating and even if he is guilty this isn't one of those things that just happened. Saying no and going home at several points would have prevented all of this.
Focus on your husband's actions and what you want to do. Nothing in your marriage caused his poor behavior, he did that all on his own. Don't let him turn you into the bad guy or try to make your believe that everything can be fixed without help.
^^ This.
When my ex rebuffed the advances of a drunken (unattractive) woman at a bar, he stepped outside immediately to call me and brag about it. However, it was the complete opposite when he did sleep with a very attractive coworker. At first he claimed that nothing happened, then he admitted to just kissing, and then came the grovelling, begging, tears, and declaration of undying love. A few years later, he admitted to all the sordid details after he knew that he had me hooked and I wasnt going to leave him.
If I could go back in time and have a talk with my younger self, I would tell myself exactly what adamantium said. Your H has thrown in a lot of little lies to confuse you. The most obvious ones are:
Lie#1: He did not tell you about the "snuggling" when it first happened.
Lie#2: He acted like he didnt know what you were talking about when you confronted him.