A therapy dump, if you will.

[saraandmichael]

I've been trying to process this over the last week and feel like I am finally coming to terms with understanding what my therapist and I spoke about last week. It is hard to say out loud, and I have yet to speak about it with anyone but my husband and very briefly with my sister. But I feel like an essential part of this whole process for me is that I need to admit things to myself in a way that I haven't ever done before. And it is embarrassing and scary, but this place has been my safe haven for private thoughts (which, ha! its the fucking internet) for quite some time so I thought that perhaps if I did it here it might make things a bit more real and small bit easier to talk about some day.

After a session that I had where my husband joined me and spoke with my therapist, the wheels in her head began turning about a different diagnosis than she had originally thought. For purposes of diagnosing, my official "file" reads that I have major depression and secondary PTSD as the result of multiple childhood rapes and sexual abuse. However, the longer I have been there and the more she gets to know me and then after finally speaking with my husband it is evident that I fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder.

It sounds so fucking ugly that I cringe when I say it. It makes me feel gross and broken. Like somehow it is this crazy defect that I have and that it makes me different than who I was just a couple of weeks ago.

I sat on it for the last week, reading up on it and trying to understand the disorder itself. It is apparently more common than not in people that have suffered trauma like I did. And while that brings a bit of comfort, sort of like I didn't just do it on my own because I am nuts, it didn't keep me from starting to define who I am because of it.

So I stepped away from the idea of it for a bit and just read about the type of therapy used to treat people that have this. And the exercises look like they will be helpful for me, though a bit overwhelming and time consuming. But I guess thats better than many other things?

I got kind of emotional really fast at my appointment today. And she told me that if she could make a case for or against my having this because I have worked so hard over the years on my own to change so many things about myself that in her opinion, she would have a greater case against making it a true clinical diagnosis. Which is nice and all, but I still feel strange about it. Just knowing it is there and this label has already been put out there.

And then we progressed to talking about my very real, very pervasive fear of abandonment. And I had honestly never thought in terms like that before, but its true. I am afraid of that in a very, very large way. And a very real way. And I have made decisions in my life...major decisions...because of those fears. And they weren't even conscious decisions or choices. But I think back about them and can understand now what my motivations were. And I hate it. And I'm angry. And I am sad. And still feeling kind of broken. Like...this is just some sort of excuse or something. And now knowing this just makes it that much harder because I feel like I am going to have to prove that I don't fit this profile anymore and that I'm not broken or weak or afraid.

And I'm rambling and not making any sense anymore.

So, that's that.

[sonrisa]

Big hugs. (I have a bunch of thoughts, but want to sort through them before posting).

[HiC]

All I can say is, we love you! xo

[jane6672]

I just want to give you a bone-crushing hug.

I'm glad you are making some progress.

[HiC]

(and are here for you.)

[Deleted]

HUGE hugs.

And I think that while it is scary and maybe not exactly fitting, looking at this all from a new perspective can be a good thing.

You're in my thoughts, girl.

[Deleted]

Whatever your diagnosis, you are a beautiful, strong, amazing woman who has so many incredible gifts that I can't even begin to enumerate.   (heart)  I know that a diagnosis like that sounds scary, but it also sounds encouraging - like there is work you can do to REALLY help yourself, you know?   (heart) (heart)

[zoidberg]

This doesn't change who you are, and you are not broken. Having this information is a good thing, because it will help you work toward healing. Always here for you, babe.

[Gato]

(((HUGS))) Whatever your diagnosis, you are an awesome person. I have really admired the strength and clarity of your posts on here. You are not broken. Seriously, I wish I could be more like you.

[gretchenindisguise]

Jun 26, 2013 21:09:49 GMT -5 zoidberg said:

This doesn't change who you are, and you are not broken. Having this information is a good thing, because it will help you work toward healing. Always here for you, babe.

Word for word the above.

Ask me anything if you want. 

(hug2)

[pantsparty]

A label is just a label. You are still Sara.

I am not saying the therapist is right or wrong, but you are still you. You're not broken or weak or afraid. That type of person wouldn't face her fears head-on. You don't have to prove you do or don't fit this profile to ANYONE. But I also wouldn't toss it away, because maybe this knowledge will ultimately help you.

Big hugs.

[cleo29]

You're not broken. I just wanted to tell you that. You are not broken.

The way I look at these things is that your brain did what it needed to do to help you, as a child, deal with an incredibly painful and traumatic time in your life. This doesn't make you broken, it's just your brain and body doing what it needed to do at the time and now, you are slowly working on undoing it.

A lot of what you posted here resonates with me. but when I "see" you I see an amazing mom, a woman who is caring, warm, funny, smart, strong, independent, loyal, loving and a person who does not give up. You are so much more than a diagnosis and certainly more than the emotional scars you bear.

If I could hug you, I would. If you need me to drop you random messages telling you that you are not broken, I will.

And, I just want to say it is a brave person who faces the reality of old scars and the impact they continue to have today. It is not weakness that makes this possible, but incredible inner strength.

[luckyval]

Sara, I hope you come to realize how remarkable you are.

((hug))

[sneetch]

You're most definitely not broken.  I don't comment on your posts often, but I wanted to let you know how brave I think you are for all of this. It would be much easier to bury your head in the sand and just keep going all status quo. Tackling these huge issues and feelings is a tough thing to do, and I don't think that most people would be strong or honest enough with themselves to do it.

[margotmacomber]

(hugs)

[Jalapeñomel]

((((hugs))) You are a brave and strong woman.

[anlo]

You are facing incredibly painful and scary things head on, and making superhuman progress. Truly.

Your posts always show an incredible self-awareness to me. If this label does fit you, then it is something that has been a part of you for a very long time - and it has not stopped you from doing all of these amazing things you are doing. You will face this, just as you have faced everything before it, and you will be able to work through it. You are doing so, so much for yourself and I can only sit in awe. I know that all may sound so cheesy, but it's the truth.

Big, big hugs.

[rex]

Huge hugs.

You are not broken. All I see is strong and so brave.

[papie]

I just want to hug you sara.  (((hugs)))

We are here for you. 

[Deleted]

You should be proud of yourself. You are inspiring.

Good luck pretty lady. I have a feeling this could be huge for you.

[medicmommy]

((Hugs))

You are not broken! You are the same Sara that you were 2 weeks ago, with new treatment options. Good luck!

[W.T.Faulkner]

You are far from broken. Broken people don't take control of their lives or speak honestly about difficult traumas.

[calledout]

That's a stupid label that means - what - that you FEEL strongly? That you experience joy and happiness when "normal" folk would simply be "blasé fair." That you are vulnerable and maybe easily slighted? A strong sense of empathy and passion are not flaws or disorders. Those traits make you are amazing. You are working on the tough stuff and you ate going to be OK. And you are not broken.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

My honey, you ate the most passionate, string, brave person I know. You're in no way broken. Maybe just a little tiny bruised.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Funking hell. ARE. You ARE passionate, strong and brave. God damn it!!

[DotAndBuzz]

big big hugs for you.

[snipsnsnails]

You are strong for sharing, sara. You know all too well that there is far more pain to be found in silence than there is in giving your voice to something. There's a really beautiful song by Leonard Cohen and I love when he says, "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack, a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in." I love the thought of light seeping through every single one of our lives that is inevitably full of cracks and blemishes and even pieces at times. It's a picture of hope for me. You're living a life of bravery and strength, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.

Love you. And sending light your way.

[mirandahobbes]

I'll echo others and say you are not broken. Borderline personality disorder is incredibly common for people (mostly women) who suffered trauma growing up. Did your therapist suggest DBT as treatment? This has prove. To be very effective for people with BPD.

[Yankees21]

Huge hugs. You are not broken, but are so,so brave for confronting your past and seeking help.

[kristie]

Wow... I just wanted to say that I think you are awesome and I love you to death. You are not broken, and this label or any other one does not define you. If it helps you to work through it, then it's a benefit. If it impedes your processes, then it's a worthless label.