If I'm way off base, ignore me. I mostly lurk on this board, and, obviously, you and your therapist know you better than anyone else, but, honestly, I have to question this. Have you looked up the specific characteristics of BPD yet?
Signs & Symptoms
According to the DSM, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR), to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a person must show an enduring pattern of behavior that includes at least five of the following symptoms: - Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived - A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) - Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices) - Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating - Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting - Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days - Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom - Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger - Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.
Seemingly mundane events may trigger symptoms. For example, people with BPD may feel angry and distressed over minor separations—such as vacations, business trips, or sudden changes of plans—from people to whom they feel close. Studies show that people with this disorder may see anger in an emotionally neutral face and have a stronger reaction to words with negative meanings than people who do not have the disorder.
Nothing you have ever posted has ever made me wonder if you had BPD. You just seem so different than my clients who did (though perhaps you're totally different in real life than you appear to be on the boards.) You seem to fully acknowledge the times that you're at fault and when you could do better. You don't run away or lash out when others don't say what you want to hear. And, more than anything, your emotions seem appropriate for whatever situation you describe. My former clients who had BPD generally were in and out of therapy as I was either their savior or the worst human being in the world to them. Everything was black and white, and there were absolutely no shades of grey.
Another red flag for me is this:
"...after finally speaking with my husband it is evident that I fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder."
I'm curious- were you with your husband when he was telling her about you? And, if so, does you agree with what he had to say? From what you've mentioned, it doesn't sound like his judgment/delivery is the best, and I had it happen too many times that a person's asshole spouse wanted to come in to my office and make themselves seem amazing and my client seem like the entire problem.
So, look at the characteristics yourself. If they fit, then, absolutely---go forward and find a specialist to get the help you need. I'd recommend reading book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," which is a great classic book on BPD to see if things resonate with you. And, hey- more work on yourself will never hurt anyone. But, if not, speak up. Tell your therapist it doesn't make sense to you and discuss in session why. Regardless, you seem like a very brave woman!
I was diagnosed with BPD ten years ago. It was a lightbulb moment for me and helped me deal with some of my behaviors. I felt lost before and it helped ground me to something identifiable. I also have PTSD with chronic depression.
Post by sunshineray on Jun 27, 2013 0:30:33 GMT -5
I normally don't respond to these kinds of posts, but you had me at BPD. First, you're not broken. Second, you are incredibly brave to post this. It's a mental illness, which has such a stigma attached. I've read a lot of your posts and think you have a great head on your shoulders. You certainly have more patience than me!
My sister and mother have both been diagnosed with BPD. It was a relief to know what it was finally. Getting a diagnosis is terrifying. But, you now have an opportunity to address it and make behavioral changes. Hopefully you have a therapist you trust who will be helping you work through this.
In my opinion/experience, getting the diagnosis is the guest step to healing. You are dealing with so much right now. Don't forget about yourself. Lots of hugs to you.
I kind of want to cry Sara, not because I feel sorry for you or upset for you, but because I'm so proud of you and I admire you so much for meeting your challenges head on. You're an amazing person and I feel lucky to know you.
I love your "word vomit". I know the label sounds terrible, but thats all it is, and it means nothing. take it for what its worth, which pretty much sounds like you are. I dont like the many labels I am coming up with, not to mention my new dr looked at me like i had three eyes or something and really made me feel low about myself with her questions, she was very, very , very judgmental, did not like the vibe.
I think you will eventually come to peace with this as well. You are such a strong person. I give you so much credit and i dont think you give yourself enough
Keep up the good work. I know for me there aer good days and bad. Hopefully your days are starting to become more good.
Not much to say or advice, just wanted to let you knwo Im thinking about you
ALSO, i know that my little mini trip away from work and life REALLY helped. i was so relaxed while away. Now that im back, yesterday was great, got a lot accomplished, today I am struggling again. Very not content with myself, not sure WHAT to do with myself or where to start
Post by saraandmichael on Jun 27, 2013 7:32:55 GMT -5
Thank you all so much for the kind words. I read them last night, but was a little too emotional to respond.
I think I wasn't terribly clear when I spoke about defining myself by this. My natural reaction to it was to start doing such a thing, but I know it isn't the core of who I am. And that, really, its just a way to describe parts of me and a better way for my therapist to use tools that will be effective in helping me.
mirandahobbes, yes...my therapist has suggested dbt as treatment. I looked up quite a bit on it online and made myself some worksheets to use as a way to start identifying thoughts/feelings/reactions and how to more effectively work on them.
5thofjuly, I very firmly fit the first four characteristics. Of the other five, there have been points in my life were some of them were who I was (most notably when the abuse was happening and I was obviously repressing it) and some of them still linger in the more private corners of who I am now. When my therapist started talking about it to me, she noted that usually therapists can see people with bpd from a mile away and that she had never thought that about me, even when we were talking. However, after a joint session with my husband, where he described parts of me that I have worked very hard on changing, it occurred to her that perhaps I would fit in there somewhere. I did agree with most of what he had to say. And he acknowledged that the behaviors he was talking about were pretty much past behaviors, but that he was noticing regression as I dealt with the rape issues again. It wasn't a derogatory discussion, but more of a "how can I help her not get back to that place" kind of thing. And only after that did my therapist think about the bpd.
Also, while he can totally be an asshole (like all of us can be), he knows that it takes two to tango. And while we were in that session, we also focused on him. But my main focus has to be me and how I see/feel/react to things, so I put more emphasis on how I can help myself and not on what changes he needs to make or issues he needs to confront because I am totally not in control of that.
And thank you for the book rec. My therapist gave me the name of one that relates to sexual abuse, so I think I am going to start with that. Its so strange how complex things seem to me, and I tend to focus more on the here and now but I think I need to really deal with the past in order to better understand the now. DOes that make sense?
I feel like I can relate to so so much of what you write Sara and I think that you are so incredibly strong. As you know I had similar experiences growing up and I too am in counseling. When I was hospitalized earlier this year for depression and we did a lot of DBT work in group therapy and I found it so helpful. It was eye opening for me to see that I didn’t really know how to deal with feeeeeeeelings and how to process them. My therapist has also mentioned BPD in that I fit some of the criteria and I was very upset at the time. As I am sure you know there is an entire spectrum of these things so try not to be hard on yourself. I think I have more traits of a dependent and avoidant personality disorder but they are all very closely related.
One of the main things that I struggle with is that there is “something wrong with me”. For as long as I remember I have felt this way. It didn’t help that whenever I spilled something or made a mistake my dad would say “What is wrong with you?!?” But in therapy I am realizing that I was shaped from the experiences in my life. I wasn’t born avoiding my feelings and being terrified of abandonment. It was circumstances out of my control that formed these thoughts. And that makes me feel out of control in a way, but also allows me not to judge myself so harshly. And it helps me to realize that I will not make these mistakes with my own life and my own children. I have to be the one to change the cycle.
I am here to listen anytime.
Big hugs, and I think that you are an extremely strong woman who I look up to.
That absolutely makes sense. And, I love this part of your message: "I put more emphasis on how I can help myself and not on what changes he needs to make or issues he needs to confront because I am totally not in control of that." Based on that attitude, whatever happens, you're going to be just fine.
Post by Saint Monica on Jun 27, 2013 7:53:56 GMT -5
saraandmichael you need to look long and hard into your truth mirror. Look at this objectively. You are an outstanding mother. You are unshakeable - shit happens and you dont run around flapping your hands you are proactive and address issues. You are a smartypants mcgee - you are doing well in school, yes- thats what I thought. You want to help everyone. I don't perceive any of these as evidence of a broken person. If it is then I want to be broken too.
You seem like such a strong woman - your ability to face these things head on and work through them is inspiring. I hope you continue to make progress and wish you nothing but the best. Big hugs.
Huge hugs to you. Whatever your diagnosis what matters is you are working to be mentally and emotionally healthy. The rest is just technicalities and paperwork. There is nothing for you to feel bad/guilty/shameful/broken about. This is simply a step in helping you feel better.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jun 27, 2013 8:11:19 GMT -5
I think it sucks that working through really shitty things that have happened to us often leads us to feel broken, when in reality we're being so strong and giving ourselves the tremendous gift of self-love and healing.
I think it sucks that working through really shitty things that have happened to us often leads us to feel broken, when in reality we're being so strong and giving ourselves the tremendous gift of self-love and healing.
You are amazing.
Exactly this! You are so not broken. You ARE amazing!
Please don't think of yourself as broken, or let this possible diagnosis define who you are. You sound incredibly intelligent, kind and insightful, and are working hard on healing. That takes a lot of strength. Big hugs to you!
Post by karmasabiotch on Jun 27, 2013 9:07:44 GMT -5
Those are just words and generally a dx is just for insurance purposes. You are certainly not broken. What you are is a survivor. A strong survivor who is facing her past head on so she can change her future. You are someone to admire.
sara, you are awesome. there's no official DSM diagnosis for awesome, but i'm making one right now. and i mean that in the old school way of awesome, inspiring awe.
you aren't your label, whatever that label is (other than awesome, which you totally are). and while we all know that you are NOT broken, if getting a label in the short term gets you the help and insurance coverage you need to feel unbroken, then so be it.
many, many people can relate to your internal struggle even if the story or level of seriousness is not the same. you're part of a tribe of people who are trying to be better. good on you.
Hugs...I don't think you are broken, in fact, when I met you, I thought you were pretty fucking kick ass.
I hope you can find the help you need though...you've gone through some shit that no one should ever have to. Don't worry about labels, just get what you need. ((((Hugs))))
I've been in the mental health system since I was thirteen. It's genetic, and I've never quite fit into any of their boxes. I've gone through a series of them, and all of them were a disorder unspecified.
I'll probably get flamed for this, but in my experience diagnoses are somewhat irrelevant. Their purpose is to guide treatment and to get your treatment covered by insurance.
The important thing is not the label. It's getting the help you need and working towards a healthier and more functional you.
If a therapist thinks the exercises for BPD may help, then of course you should do them. If the exercises for another disorder may help, then you should do them. Exceptional psychiatrists and therapists tend to grab tools from a variety of buckets. Even if you don't technically qualify for one diagnosis, the coping mechanisms for that diagnosis may be helpful.
From what you have posted, you are doing an amazing job of confronting your problems and working towards dealing with them. THAT is what is important. Not the label.
Post by Wrath0fKuus on Jun 27, 2013 10:08:48 GMT -5
So what you're saying is that your therapist doesn't think you're a typical borderline personality disorder sort of person, but that there have over time been enough similarities that the sort of treatment used for people with BPD might be useful to you. That makes sense, and like I said last night, it's worth a try.
Just think of it that way if you can, less like a label, and more like a new treatment tactic.