I hate that you're going through this. I got dx'd with BPD about 3 years ago. Mine too stems from childhood sexual abuse. I've had great success with both DBT therapy (group and individual) and now EMDR therapy. So much so that I no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for BPD.
Please msg me if you have questions or want to talk.
Post by peachykate on Jun 27, 2013 10:57:51 GMT -5
Big hugs, sara. I can't think of anything better than what Cleo and Q said. You are not broken, you are so strong and amazing.
Don't let this define you. I agree wholeheartedly with scotty, I've been to several therapist in my life and each one has had a slightly different take on what my official diagnosis is. My pcp once told me the first time I met her she thought I was bipolar and I took that so much harder than the rest because I felt at the time that it completely changed the person that I was. I told my therapist and she didn't agree but that doesn't change the fact that is what the pcp believed my dx should be instead of GAD.
Try and focus on finding the tools that work for you no matter what bag of tricks they come from. You are going to get through this and still be the same wonderful, kick ass person you are now. I have no doubt of this in my mind.
I've been trying to process this over the last week and feel like I am finally coming to terms with understanding what my therapist and I spoke about last week. It is hard to say out loud, and I have yet to speak about it with anyone but my husband and very briefly with my sister. But I feel like an essential part of this whole process for me is that I need to admit things to myself in a way that I haven't ever done before. And it is embarrassing and scary, but this place has been my safe haven for private thoughts (which, ha! its the fucking internet) for quite some time so I thought that perhaps if I did it here it might make things a bit more real and small bit easier to talk about some day.
After a session that I had where my husband joined me and spoke with my therapist, the wheels in her head began turning about a different diagnosis than she had originally thought. For purposes of diagnosing, my official "file" reads that I have major depression and secondary PTSD as the result of multiple childhood rapes and sexual abuse. However, the longer I have been there and the more she gets to know me and then after finally speaking with my husband it is evident that I fit the criteria for borderline personality disorder.
It sounds so fucking ugly that I cringe when I say it. It makes me feel gross and broken. Like somehow it is this crazy defect that I have and that it makes me different than who I was just a couple of weeks ago.
I sat on it for the last week, reading up on it and trying to understand the disorder itself. It is apparently more common than not in people that have suffered trauma like I did. And while that brings a bit of comfort, sort of like I didn't just do it on my own because I am nuts, it didn't keep me from starting to define who I am because of it.
So I stepped away from the idea of it for a bit and just read about the type of therapy used to treat people that have this. And the exercises look like they will be helpful for me, though a bit overwhelming and time consuming. But I guess thats better than many other things?
I got kind of emotional really fast at my appointment today. And she told me that if she could make a case for or against my having this because I have worked so hard over the years on my own to change so many things about myself that in her opinion, she would have a greater case against making it a true clinical diagnosis. Which is nice and all, but I still feel strange about it. Just knowing it is there and this label has already been put out there.
And then we progressed to talking about my very real, very pervasive fear of abandonment. And I had honestly never thought in terms like that before, but its true. I am afraid of that in a very, very large way. And a very real way. And I have made decisions in my life...major decisions...because of those fears. And they weren't even conscious decisions or choices. But I think back about them and can understand now what my motivations were. And I hate it. And I'm angry. And I am sad. And still feeling kind of broken. Like...this is just some sort of excuse or something. And now knowing this just makes it that much harder because I feel like I am going to have to prove that I don't fit this profile anymore and that I'm not broken or weak or afraid.
And I'm rambling and not making any sense anymore.
So what you're saying is that your therapist doesn't think you're a typical borderline personality disorder sort of person, but that there have over time been enough similarities that the sort of treatment used for people with BPD might be useful to you. That makes sense, and like I said last night, it's worth a try.
Just think of it that way if you can, less like a label, and more like a new treatment tactic.
yes. exactly this.
and i will think of it like this. i think i just needed to get those words out and think about them a little more. you all are right in that i am not changed by this (which i knew, but was needing to fight that feeling and just say it i guess) and that the strategies need to be my primary focus.