Parents and your spouse **** Updated in OP****

[ginandjucie24]

If your Mother told you that she truly thinks that your DH is abusive to you, and controlling and she bad mouths your DH calling him a bad father and called you bad parents because you have get togethers with your friends and there is alcohol around ( my DH doesn't drink. So there is always a sober care giver for our son when we have people over) and your H is immature. 

And if you don't have the greatest relationship with your Mom but have been trying for the last five years to have one and have made good progress to have a relationship with each other.

How would you move forward?  How would you handle this?

All of the above was told to me by my Mom today . I am shocked/angry/sad that she feels this way about my H. All of her concerns are not true, my H treats me with nothing but respect, we have a good solid marriage, we dont raise our vocies at each, other we talk things out never let arguments become heated, and we make decisions together on everything.  we are a true team. The only time we have any type of disagreement/conflict in our marriage is about my family. He is a great Father and Husband. 

  Please don't quote I may DD this.  

Update....
I sent my mom a text this morning I didn't call her because I know she wouldn't of listened to what I needed to say.  The text said that her accusations and comments were highly inappropriate, unwelcomed, untrue and hurtful. Also added that I am not ok with sweeping this under the rug and acting like nothing happened. I need time to process my feelings and I need to figure out how to have a relationship with her after hearing all if the hurtfulthings she has said. I told her that my H and I are a team and that Mr Ginandjucie and our ds are my family and I need to put my family first above everyone else.  I told her it is in the best interest ofmyself and my family that we take a break from her, no communication no phone calls no texting and no facebooking for at least 6 months. I also said please don't contact me right now because I can not talk to her calmly or rationally and I really don't want to fight with her any longer.  

She did text me after I sent her the text saying I can not keep her grandson from her and how she is my mother and I have no right doing this and how she feels bad for me because I allow my H to control me so much that I would cut my own mother out of my life.  She has some health problems and she brought those up saying how she probably won't be around in 6 months. I texted her back please don't contact me.  I didn't reply to anything because she wouldn't of "heard" what I had to say.  

My sister who lives in the same state she does went to our moms house just to make sure she (my mom) was ok health wise. 
Of course my mother is hurt I knew she would be but at this point I need to think of what's best for me and my family.

Holy cow that was long.  If you made it this far I want to thank all of you for your input and words of support. I feel worn down today but I am having a drink or two tonight and just going to focus on my family. 

[Jalapeñomel]

I would limit my interaction with my mother.

[cheeseandcrackers]

Yes and tell her what you told us.

[fuckyourcouch]

i would tell her what you told us.

my relationship with my mom is great. she would never say something like this if it wasn't true. since you say your relationship is not good, i would not take it to heart.

[Deleted]

If your relationship was already rocky, I wouldn't put much stock in her opinion.

I know if my mom said such awful things about my H that weren't true, I'd correct her and not talk to her if she can't be respectful of my spouse.

[rex]

If we aren't close already, I would brush off her opinion and further limit my contact with her.

[Deleted]

I would tell her you're not interested in her opinions regarding your husband, and if she insisted on continuing to share them, you would not be in contact with her.

[ginandjucie24]

Jul 3, 2013 15:45:56 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Why does she think he's abusive?

Because she thinks I am kept in the house all day with the baby and she thinks I don't go anywhere or see anyone or talk to anyone. And that my H doesn't allow me to talk to anyone. 

When in reality I do get out and have friends come over during the day. I talk on the phone everyday with my twin sister and BFF. 

[Deleted]

Tell her exactly what you said here and then limit contact.

[Deleted]

If you know the things she's saying aren't true, I wouldn't care what she says. When someone tells me something about my own life that I know isn't true, I ignore them.

You could argue with her, but she's probably looking for a fight, so why bother?

I agree, limit your time with her.

[ginandjucie24]

Jul 3, 2013 15:55:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

My mom? I would be concerned about her mental health b/c it sounds so unlike her. I guess I need to know more about your mom to know how I would proceed.

My Mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. She has always chosen shitty men to be in her life and has put her boyfriends ahead of me and my sisters. She has apologized for that later in my life and five years ago when she had a major health scare that's when we started to try and repair our relationship. She is now living in another state she is single and is taking care of herself health wise.

We do disagree a lot about family stuff. I have no contact with her side of the family at all and because they are just toxic. She disagrees about that because in her book family always comes first.  

She gets mad that I in her eyes have to ask my H to do anything. When I am really just getting my H's input. 

She has never had a healthy relationship so she sees my relationship with my H as not right.  

[ginandjucie24]

@schmancy you are so right that's usually the stance it take with people. She was looking for a fight

I will be limiting contact with her. She lives in another state so we don't see her often so all of our contact is through the phone.

I think I will go to once a month calls to her.

Thank you all I just wanted to get other opinions on it. I already had it in my mind to limit contact with her I just wanted to make sure that limiting contact was something other people do so when she tells me that people don't do those kinds of things I can tell her yes it it all my Internet friends do it lol

[elleblue]

Jul 3, 2013 16:06:01 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

Jul 3, 2013 15:55:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

My mom? I would be concerned about her mental health b/c it sounds so unlike her. I guess I need to know more about your mom to know how I would proceed.

My Mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. She has always chosen shitty men to be in her life and has put her boyfriends ahead of me and my sisters. She has apologized for that later in my life and five years ago when she had a major health scare that's when we started to try and repair our relationship. She is now living in another state she is single and is taking care of herself health wise.

We do disagree a lot about family stuff. I have no contact with her side of the family at all and because they are just toxic. She disagrees about that because in her book family always comes first.  

She gets mad that I in her eyes have to ask my H to do anything. When I am really just getting my H's input. 

She has never had a healthy relationship so she sees my relationship with my H as not right.  

Sounds like she's projecting here. I'd try not to take anything she said to heart and potentially limit contact with her (depending on if she knocks it off or persists).

[VeryViolet]

I think with all of your follow up information I would limit contact with her. I would however probably tell her why first. She will still probably make it out to be something wrong with you or DH but I would make sure my point came across loud and clear that she needed to stfu and mind her own business because she was wrong and out of line.

[snickers]

I definitely agree that she was probably looking for a fight here.
If you know if your heart that what she said was untrue, I would limit my contact with her and move on in life.
I'm sorry, it sounds like an awful situation

[oliviapope]

Sounds a lot like my own mother, I cut off contact 8 months ago which was a good decision for me personally. If you'd like to continue contact I'd make sure in no uncertain terms that she is not longer allowed to offer input on your relationship unless you ask. If she can't manage that, then I would limit contact.

[ginandjucie24]

VeryViolet I want to double like your post. I know that is the route I will take with her.

Honestly this whole conversation with her has put me at peace with limiting her in my life. I don't feel bad anymore, I don't feel like a bad daughter.

[Deleted]

It sounds like you want to have a relationship with her/maintain contact.  

I would talk to her.  Let her know how what she said made you feel and that is isn't true.<---As others said, express to her what you've told us. 

Some people have ideal parents, some people have less than ideal, and some people have bad parents.  If she's less than ideal then it's either deal or walk.  Good luck to you. 

ETA: I would also make clear that those kinds of comments are not okay and not welcome in the future and that you will limit or end contact if they continue.  Set a standard that has to be followed. 

[hopecounts]

Hard line time.
Tell her what you said here and that your relationship with your husband is an off limits topic. If she starts in on it change the subject if she tries again say good bye and hang up.
Your H and your son are your family now.

[VeryViolet]

Jul 3, 2013 16:29:47 GMT -5 ginandjucie24 said:

VeryViolet I want to double like your post. I know that is the route I will take with her.

Honestly this whole conversation with her has put me at peace with limiting her in my life. I don't feel bad anymore, I don't feel like a bad daughter.

((Hugs)) I can only imagine how hard this is but I am glad you have some peace with it. You are not a bad daughter and I am so sorry you feel that way.

I am usually pretty non confrontational especially when confrontation won't really solve anything. However in this case those are serious accusations and that can't stand. I will say be careful it doesn't devolve into you defending your husband with "he does this and he does that..." It just doesn't matter and will get you no where. Stick to "mom you were wrong and out of line and you will not be allowed to undermine my family and marriage."

[mskitkat]

I just went through this last year with MiL. Dead convinced I'm abusing him. Projects the flaws in her marriage onto us, etc. DH told her in no uncertain terms that our relationship is fine and her opinion is unwelcome. Every time she brings it up (visit/phone call), the conversation ends, either by us leaving the house or DH hanging up the phone. It's been a year, and she's gotten slightly better. She was definitely shocked the first few times DH ended the phone calls, but she's stopped bringing it up as much. I think she's realized the harm it did to their relationship, as DH no longer initiates phone calls with her. Not even for Mother's Day.

[margarita]

I'd correct her and then limit my contact with her. If it became an ongoing issue though, and she continued to say those things, I'd probably consider cutting contact with her. Those are some pretty serious accusations.

[ginandjucie24]

Thank you all so so much. @imback and hopecounts you both have put into words how I feel.

You have given me the words that I had me but wasn't able to put together if that makes sense.

I am sitting her crying because you all have told me to do, what I know in My heart that I have to do and its not wrong for me to do it. I know that I am not wrong in my choices. I know that all the accusations against my H are not true by any means and are completely wrong of her to say. I really appreciate everyone's input a lot. 

[livinitup]

She sounds exhausting.

If she has issues, you should recommend that she seek help to work them out, not blast you and your life. If she's had unhealthy relationships in her adult life, it's not unprecedented that she's going to continue those behaviors, the chaos, with you. I'm sure you thought you could remain immune to her antics, but sadly not.

I'm glad your healthy enough to pause, assess and really look at the accusations and your life. It's also a mark of good mental health to wonder what to do next - and not simply get drawn into a fight.

It's sad, too. It sounds like you have a happy life, new baby and would like the support of your mother. She sounds like a lot of work. Her accusations are so misplaced that they seem destructive, on so many levels.

I wish you luck. If you see her accusations as baseless, then you need to distance yourself from her. No one deserves to be insulted and demeaned - not you, and not your husband. You can't hang "family" on being awful and ugly and not expect some distance.

As an "internet friend" I highly support a good deal of distance and self preservation. No, "family" doesn't get to be awful to you. Nope. No way. No.

[wildfloweragain]

I think she is jealous of you. I have a few of the same things going on, not all of it, and that's where my mom's comments come, some of them. She doesn't think it's possible that I have this great marriage and we have lasted 10 yrs, when she has had several unhealthy marriages.

Also when my mom says the things about DH or his family controlling me, it is usually because she is mad she is not controlling me. It's not about my freedom at all.

[ginandjucie24]

Bump for update.

[Deleted]

She sounds like the controlling one. And now she's mad she doesn't have the control over you.

[Jalapeñomel]

Good luck and many hugs.

[flex]

It's "wouldn't have", not "wouldn't of".
That's all I have to add. : )

[ginandjucie24]

Jul 8, 2013 21:51:04 GMT -5 flex said:

It's "wouldn't have", not "wouldn't of".
That's all I have to add. : )

Sorry. It will never happen again