Post by speckledfrog on Jul 7, 2013 17:22:32 GMT -5
Dear 11d, you are right and she is wrong. You are awesome and she is shit. Your love for and commitment to your extended family far exceeds her sorry excuse for a life. If she were a tenth of the sister, daughter, mother you are she would get herself to the reunion with bells on.
Eh, even if it's "just a summer league," it is still a commitment. It is still getting extra experience in a sport. His teammates are still counting on him just like they would be on a HS team.
It sounds like he committed to the team but did not have his schedule yet. As soon as they got it, they realized there was a conflict and said, 'Sorry, we can't make the reunion," correct? So it's not like she knew at Christmas they had a conflict on the date chosen and just now decided to speak up.
You can be annoyed or sad she is missing it, but she also has every right to prioritize her immediate family (BF and kids) and what is important to them also.
Not a dick thing to say, my sister is the first to say it. Since when is being middle of the road a negative?
Elle- the reunion was planned 5 months ago and we started talking about it at Christmas. The basketball is a summer rec league and she only just got his schedule and then told us she was backing out of the reunion.
I repeat, this is a summer league.
It doesn't matter!! You are so condescending, no wonder she doesn't want to go to the reunion.
Post by wildfloweragain on Jul 7, 2013 17:35:36 GMT -5
Sounds like you don't like her anyway so it's not like you'd enjoy each other's company. It's stressful for both sides when my sister and I attempt to get together so I often opt out.
I'd feel differently if she had some responsibilities for this reunion and was now not fulfilling them. But not just for lack of attendance.
Of course not every family is close. Sounds like 11D's is, though, or she and her parents wouldn't mind the other sister not attending. And she wouldn't be going even though she could be doing other things. So. ETA: Also, this is sort of my point. If you don't make sacrifices, your family will not be close. Guarantee it. If you don't care about that, then that's fine. If you do, then you need to make an effort.
At some point during their high school career the teen's sport could be their chance to get a scholarship for an awesome college, or his chances for more playing time so that he can be scouted could hinge on his attendance of summer tournaments. My child's possible future, even if it is just an "extra curricular", is more important then a family reunion. I would probably make the effort to visit family during a downtime from sports if I was missing a reunion though.
exactly! We spend thousands on her chosen sport a year and almost as much on travel (this year we have new Orleans, Atlanta, and Dallas). It is a huge deal to her and helped her really understand teamwork, self esteem, and may lead to a scholarship. If its just a community sports team I would have her skip it. We get her schedule for the next 12 months in may and we spend at least 3 days a week up at the cheer gyms. So yep, it comes first. She has 31 other girls on her team who all depend on her being there.
Sounds like you don't like her anyway so it's not like you'd enjoy each other's company. It's stressful for both sides when my sister and I attempt to get together so I often opt out.
I'd feel differently if she had some responsibilities for this reunion and was now not fulfilling them. But not just for lack of attendance.
Just when I think things are on the mend with her, I get another curveball thrown at me. I'm just done trying. I love her, always will, but I'm spent.
Her role in this was selection of location and together with a few others, the date.
okay, so she's an asshole and she's acting like an asshole. your nephew's relative athletic ability is still wholly irrelevant.
We've had to miss family things due to cheer competitions. My kid comes first and it is important to her. I wouldn't say anything to her, she's already made her choice.
I'm here. When I was 14 and had a volleyball tournament and wasn't able to go because of a family reunion, I would be pissed. Also, it's not very cool for the team. Flame me if you will.
Though this is coming from someone who has never had a family reunion before.
okay, so she's an asshole and she's acting like an asshole. your nephew's relative athletic ability is still wholly irrelevant.
True. I was trying to explain that this wasn't a once in a lifetime tourney/event.
SO WHAT? your SISTER backed out of something she planned and is unwilling to look for alternatives that don't involve her whole family staying home. your NEPHEW doesn't want to skip his non-once in a lifetime tournament, to honor his commitment to his team. they are wholly independent. to conflate the two is making you an asshole here, too.
A lot can happen in five months. I can totally see myself saying "hey, a family reunion is a great idea! I'm in!". Then five months later this tourney comes up and I say "Oops, I screwed up. In hindsight I see perhaps I shouldn't have volunteered for this, because realistically five months can be a stretch. I apologize. Is there some way I can help out with the planning process?"
Shit happens. I have a HUGE family so there's a family reunion every year so family members who miss one year can come to the next one. I can't make one every year, but I know eventually I will be able to make one. Maybe your family could start having a reunion every year? KWIM?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Ok, trying to help 11d's responsive judgement of her nephew's athletic ability (I think/HOPE she also now realizes it kinda was a dick thing to say). Basically, I semi-cringed reading, but understand that maybe she was trying to say that nephew's absence wasn't going to be crucial @ all to the team's success. Which I completely realize doesn't matter to a lot of us/ team commitment/ etc. However, just wanted to chime in that I could see how an outsider of the situation might feel this is pertinent to the situation. 11d: hope you see that it really isn't, @ least not to a lot of people, very probably your sister included. But I totally feel for you/ understand your frustrations here, & think you need to remember that it's her loss.
She says "after all," which implies to me that she knew it was a possibility it would conflict and had communicated that previous to this conversation.
Tell us how you feel about 11d's comments. I'm not sure your point has been made clear...
YOU CAN'T MAAAKE HER LOVE YOOOOU...IF SHE WOOOON'T.
Seriously, your sister doesn't want to go. Sounds like there are options in which her son can honor his (commendable) commitment to his team AND your sister (if not son) could go. But she is not searching for these solutions because she doesn't. Want. To go. Get over it.
And, not for nothin, but if you were such a great and supportive family, I would expect you to see this and call your sister and say "Ok tell me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like an excuse. Is something going on? I know that the reunions are a big deal for us, and I know you wouldn't just cut out on one for no reason. I'm here for you if you need me."
But my guess is that this conversation would be crazycakes, because you already know (based on previous experiences) that family and family events are not as important to her as they are to you. Which SUCKS, yes. It hurts. But your only adult option is to let go and have a good time. If you want to talk to her at some point and say you wish you were closer and that it makes you sad that she doesn't seem to take as much interest in family events, fine; do that. Passive-aggressively picking apart her excuse helps nothing.
I'm pro 11d in theory but also think a one day tournament is easily worked around if she really wanted to go. She obviously doesn't. Me in her place: I'd plan to either leave the reunion early or go late to fit both in, if possible.
We run into this crap a lot w Jake's family. I just remember that we're the ones who put the effort in and we manage accordingly. It sucks and hurts sometimes but it's also easier for us to say no to the random crazy ideas.
It took a year for us to plan Christmas and it ended up happening on the 28th, which was the only day all 5 kid families were together at once.
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 7, 2013 19:26:29 GMT -5
You can't make her care about family stuff as much as you do, or to attend the reunion and/or be happy about doing do.
All you can control is managing your expectations of her. Don't expect her to make choices according to YOUR priorities. Set the bar low and then be pleasantly surprised. (And, once your possibly-obvious air of judgement is lifted, maybe she will end up wanting to come around more, all on her own.)