Do I say something?

[Deleted]

At 14 he could be in some competitive summer leagues. I know my brother missed lots of family activities due to his travel teams. He narrowly missed playing in college. I would be disappointed, but I also think there's a good chance this is legit on her end.

[lime]

No, don't say anything to her.

It's not your place and she won't change her mind anyway.

[hisno1girl]

She doesn't really want to go to the reunion.

You can say something if you want but it won't change her mind.

[emsumm]

In my family, yeah, I'd say something. We place a a great deal of importance on reunions and holiday gtg's like that, and with 5 sisters, we all have to make a big effort to make it happen. A tournament like that wouldn't really be cause to cancel. It might be individually important to the kid, but it's more important for the whole family to be together.

[CurlyQ284]

I wouldn't. If she doesn't want to come, you can't make her.

If you call her, she will still go to the tournament but then she will be mad at you. It won't get her to go to the reunion, which is your goal so I wouldn't bother.

[Deleted]

Lime is wise. And delicious.

[wildfloweragain]

Jul 7, 2013 12:20:08 GMT -5 lime said:

No, don't say anything to her.

It's not your place and she won't change her mind anyway.

This.

I am usually your sister in this situation.  I have reasons, as I'm sure she does.  She can make her own decisions, even if it bugs you.

[Jalapeñomel]

It also sounds like the tourny was going to be that weekend, and she just got the confirmation of dates.

Did your sister mention this when you were planning the reunion?

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 12:23:44 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:20:38 GMT -5 emsumm said:

In my family, yeah, I'd say something. We place a a great deal of importance on reunions and holiday gtg's like that, and with 5 sisters, we all have to make a big effort to make it happen. A tournament like that wouldn't really be cause to cancel. It might be individually important to the kid, but it's more important for the whole family to be together.

That's up to sister though. You can't make someone think a reunion is more important. If she's missing it and normally everyone makes sure to be at these things, then I would assume it's something important keeping them from attending.

But then again I would also be annoyed as hell if my family tried to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, if my kid had something going on that was important to him.

I think it just has a lot to do with family dynamics. Our family is really big, and we all travel several times per year to the same destination to be together. We all have to sacrifice a little bit to make that happen, but, as a collective, it's important to us. And I guess if it weren't important to, say, one sister, than we'd be a different clan, you know? We're all close so we do it. We place a priority on gtg's like that. My kids/family missed camp and some birthday parties and some lessons to go to our reunion, in which we all stayed in one room for a week (I'm a martyr!). It was worth it, because we were all there together. This is their chance to bond with their cousins, see aunts and uncles and grandparents, and have a blast with their fam. To us, that's more important than our regularly-scheduled activities. Like I said, though, different strokes and all that. If one of my sister cancelled, though, for that reason, I'd call her and try to get her to reconsider, and they'd do the same for me.

[psychmom]

If ds had a big tournament we'd also go. I'm an adult and my priority goes to my family (my husband and kids) before anyone else.

Its not your place to tell her anything. She doesn't want to go. Let it be.

[mrsjuleshs]

We've had to miss family things due to cheer competitions. My kid comes first and it is important to her. I wouldn't say anything to her, she's already made her choice.

[snickers]

I wouldn't either.
She may just not want to go, or her priorities might be different.
If she were to come after being quilt tripped, she wouldn't be any fun anyways. I would be annoyed if I were you, but I would also be annoyed if I were her and was made to feel like I had to go.

[revolution]

I would let it go. Sorry.

[emsumm]

This has not much to do with 11d's OP, but damn, it's really hard for me to understand the whole "my immediate family always comes first" attitude, when it pertains to something like a sports event or whatever (like, obviously, with important shit, my H and kids come first, but cheerleading events do not apply). I will always place a higher importance on my commitment to my family as a whole, which includes my sisters and mom and dad and cousins, than I will our commitment to extra-curriculars. How would families ever get together if their individual members won't/aren't willing to give any of their time to do it? This concept is so foreign to me.

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 12:43:03 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:29:18 GMT -5 emsumm said:

I think it just has a lot to do with family dynamics. Our family is really big, and we all travel several times per year to the same destination to be together. We all have to sacrifice a little bit to make that happen, but, as a collective, it's important to us. And I guess if it weren't important to, say, one sister, than we'd be a different clan, you know? We're all close so we do it. We place a priority on gtg's like that. My kids/family missed camp and some birthday parties and some lessons to go to our reunion, in which we all stayed in one room for a week (I'm a martyr!). It was worth it, because we were all there together. This is their chance to bond with their cousins, see aunts and uncles and grandparents, and have a blast with their fam. To us, that's more important than our regularly-scheduled activities. Like I said, though, different strokes and all that. If one of my sister cancelled, though, for that reason, I'd call her and try to get her to reconsider, and they'd do the same for me.

At some point kids activities can become very important to them, though.

I honestly didn't know this attitude was so widespread. It didn't matter in my family, and still doesn't. I had competitions and stuff, but if it interfered with the family reunion, or Pesach or Shabbat or Rosh Hashanah or Thanksgiving or whatever, I missed it. *shrug* Guess my kids better get used to disappointment! Or their cousins, lol.

[flex]

I wouldn't pursue this further, and...I wouldn't have made the initial comment about taking her butt to the reunion either.

You said you're kinda on the outs with this sister, and I think making that comment did not help things. I know that if my sister had made a comment that if my nephew wasn't being scouted I should go to the reunion, I would have resented it.

[ECB]

Jul 7, 2013 12:23:44 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:20:38 GMT -5 emsumm said:

In my family, yeah, I'd say something. We place a a great deal of importance on reunions and holiday gtg's like that, and with 5 sisters, we all have to make a big effort to make it happen. A tournament like that wouldn't really be cause to cancel. It might be individually important to the kid, but it's more important for the whole family to be together.

That's up to sister though. You can't make someone think a reunion is more important. If she's missing it and normally everyone makes sure to be at these things, then I would assume it's something important keeping them from attending.

But then again I would also be annoyed as hell if my family tried to guilt me into something I didn't want to do, if my kid had something going on that was important to him.

this is where I'm at. She's an adult. She's allowed to make this choice for her immediate family.

[nsl]

Yeah, I wouldn't say anything either. She clearly understands the time and effort put into planning this reunion, but there are reasons she's choosing to let her kid compete with his team. Respect her decisions as a parent and a daughter.

[nsl]

Jul 7, 2013 12:47:13 GMT -5 emsumm said:

This has not much to do with 11d's OP, but damn, it's really hard for me to understand the whole "my immediate family always comes first" attitude, when it pertains to something like a sports event or whatever (like, obviously, with important shit, my H and kids come first, but cheerleading events do not apply). I will always place a higher importance on my commitment to my family as a whole, which includes my sisters and mom and dad and cousins, than I will our commitment to extra-curriculars. How would families ever get together if their individual members won't/aren't willing to give any of their time to do it? This concept is so foreign to me.

Not every family is close.  Not every family needs to drop everything for group events and get-togethers.  Different strokes.

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 12:52:15 GMT -5 nsl said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:47:13 GMT -5 emsumm said:

This has not much to do with 11d's OP, but damn, it's really hard for me to understand the whole "my immediate family always comes first" attitude, when it pertains to something like a sports event or whatever (like, obviously, with important shit, my H and kids come first, but cheerleading events do not apply). I will always place a higher importance on my commitment to my family as a whole, which includes my sisters and mom and dad and cousins, than I will our commitment to extra-curriculars. How would families ever get together if their individual members won't/aren't willing to give any of their time to do it? This concept is so foreign to me.

Not every family is close.  Not every family needs to drop everything for group events and get-togethers.  Different strokes.

Of course not every family is close. Sounds like 11D's is, though, or she and her parents wouldn't mind the other sister not attending. And she wouldn't be going even though she could be doing other things. So.
ETA: Also, this is sort of my point. If you don't make sacrifices, your family will not be close. Guarantee it. If you don't care about that, then that's fine. If you do, then you need to make an effort.

[Deleted]

My extended family is really close to the point of vacationing together, and my brother missed my uncle's wedding to play in a baseball game. If the kid feels like this tournament is important, then I think it's crappy to try to guilt his mom into making him miss it. I could have missed tennis practice for a family event, but the only way you could miss a match (not even a tournament!) was to be sick. I would have been off the team if I missed a competition, and I had absolutely no prospects to play tennis after high school.

[demofea01]

Jul 7, 2013 12:55:18 GMT -5 emsumm said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:52:15 GMT -5 nsl said:

Not every family is close.  Not every family needs to drop everything for group events and get-togethers.  Different strokes.

Of course not every family is close. Sounds like 11D's is, though, or she and her parents wouldn't mind the other sister not attending. And she wouldn't be going even though she could be doing other things. So.
ETA: Also, this is sort of my point. If you don't make sacrifices, your family will not be close. Guarantee it. If you don't care about that, then that's fine. If you do, then you need to make an effort.

At some point during their high school career the teen's sport could be their chance to get a scholarship for an awesome college, or his chances for more playing time so that he can be scouted could hinge on his attendance of summer tournaments. My child's possible future, even if it is just an "extra curricular", is more important then a family reunion. I would probably make the effort to visit family during a downtime from sports if I was missing a reunion though.

[emsumm]

There is no way in hell I would let my kid miss her uncle's wedding to play in a game. No way.
I am so surprised I am the only one. Huh.

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 13:03:17 GMT -5 demofea01 said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:55:18 GMT -5 emsumm said:

Of course not every family is close. Sounds like 11D's is, though, or she and her parents wouldn't mind the other sister not attending. And she wouldn't be going even though she could be doing other things. So.
ETA: Also, this is sort of my point. If you don't make sacrifices, your family will not be close. Guarantee it. If you don't care about that, then that's fine. If you do, then you need to make an effort.

At some point during their high school career the teen's sport could be their chance to get a scholarship for an awesome college, or his chances for more playing time so that he can be scouted could hinge on his attendance of summer tournaments. My child's possible future, even if it is just an "extra curricular", is more important then a family reunion. I would probably make the effort to visit family during a downtime from sports if I was missing a reunion though.

Lol, we have the benefit of knowing that this isn't the case. 11d already said this isn't some determining factor in the kid's future. And ok, if my kid would miss out on a full ride to Harvard because she attended the family reunion, then I might reconsider. For that one game. Then she'd get there afterwards. This is, however, a rather far-fetched scenario, and nobody ever really attached those stakes to the kid's attendance, least of all the OP.

[demofea01]

I was an athlete in high school. I was Good but not great; I didn't continue in college. My family never vacationed or went to reunions that would cause us to miss important tournaments or meets. At some point I do think the happiness of your immediate family that you have to live with every single day is more important then extended family.

[cleo29]

I think you have already kind of said something, so I am not sure if you need to say more. We have run into some similar things with my sister and her kids, but sometimes, my sister has come to the event for the day and then goes back to see nephew play the rest of the weekend. You could try suggesting that, but I wouldn't push it.

She's an adult and she will do what she wants to do and perhaps, right now, a tournament which is a big deal for her son is a bigger deal than a family reunion she was never looking forward to in the first place.

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 13:13:38 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Jul 7, 2013 12:47:13 GMT -5 emsumm said:

This has not much to do with 11d's OP, but damn, it's really hard for me to understand the whole "my immediate family always comes first" attitude, when it pertains to something like a sports event or whatever (like, obviously, with important shit, my H and kids come first, but cheerleading events do not apply). I will always place a higher importance on my commitment to my family as a whole, which includes my sisters and mom and dad and cousins, than I will our commitment to extra-curriculars. How would families ever get together if their individual members won't/aren't willing to give any of their time to do it? This concept is so foreign to me.

Oh Jesus. Good for you, you are the best family member ever. I am very close to my family but sometimes other stuff is important also. I don't think everyone has to drop everything for family events.

Yeesh, Mofucko. I didn't say that. Most of the people in this thread have one point of view, I offered another.

[Deleted]

Jul 7, 2013 13:10:14 GMT -5 @jehc said:

Jul 7, 2013 13:07:28 GMT -5 emsumm said:

There is no way in hell I would let my kid miss her uncle's wedding to play in a game. No way.
I am so surprised I am the only one. Huh.

You're not the only one.

We have a huge family, and he did attend the reception. It honestly just wasn't a big deal in our family at all. It does sound the OP's sister is using this as an excuse, but I'm just pointing out that it's plausible that the kid's event would be that important. 

[gogadgetgo]

Jul 7, 2013 13:07:28 GMT -5 emsumm said:

There is no way in hell I would let my kid miss her uncle's wedding to play in a game. No way.
I am so surprised I am the only one. Huh.

My aunt missed my wedding because my cousin had a volleyball tournament. She's definitely not pro level. I'm still perturbed about it.

[emsumm]

Jul 7, 2013 13:18:50 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Jul 7, 2013 13:15:47 GMT -5 emsumm said:

Yeesh, Mofucko. I didn't say that. Most of the people in this thread have one point of view, I offered another.

Well, you're kind of acting like people who don't drop everything for a family event are jerks. I don't have kids and I skip stuff sometimes.

Not jerks. They admittedly have different priorities. My point was simply that it is somewhat foreign to me. My family very much comes first, but to me that means my whole family, not just my kids or H or whatever, especially when we're talking a sports event. I wasn't trying to sound holier than thou, sorry if it came off that way.