Eh, I had to stay in my home town and attend comm college for my first two years of college because I had two other sisters in college at the same time. Also, I wasn't ready to go away at 18; I did a ton of growing in those two years. By midway through sophomore year I was SO ready to be out of my home town and on my own. I excelled and loved my junior & senior years at the state university that I transferred to. Also, I met H.
So maybe the kid in this situation isn't ready. If it's only because their friends aren't there/didn't make any friends at orientation, they need to suck it.
FWIW, encouraging your child to go OOS (unless all your state colleges suck) boggles my mind. H went OOS for college. We'll be paying off his SLs much longer than if he was in state because he paid double tuition & board. Just something to consider especially if scholarships/grants etc don't work out for whatever reason.
I would be livid. I want my kids to at least live on campus v. at home. If they love a college that's in our town, I'm not going to be a jerk about them choosing it. They must not live in our home, though. H and all his siblings attended the college FIL teaches at and none of them were permitted to live at home. It worked out well.
Post by sawyerthedestroyer on Jul 7, 2013 17:02:09 GMT -5
I benefited from a gap year. I moved out of my parents' house, worked, and figured my shit out. I believe I was much more focused when I returned to school than I would have been if I hadn't taken that year.
Eh, I had to stay in my home town and attend comm college for my first two years of college because I had two other sisters in college at the same time. Also, I wasn't ready to go away at 18; I did a ton of growing in those two years. By midway through sophomore year I was SO ready to be out of my home town and on my own. I excelled and loved my junior & senior years at the state university that I transferred to. Also, I met H.
So maybe the kid in this situation isn't ready. If it's only because their friends aren't there/didn't make any friends at orientation, they need to suck it.
FWIW, encouraging your child to go OOS (unless all your state colleges suck) boggles my mind. H went OOS for college. We'll be paying off his SLs much longer than if he was in state because he paid double tuition & board. Just something to consider especially if scholarships/grants etc don't work out for whatever reason.
i know several people who followed a similar plan. i think the difference is that it was a plan, and not a kneejerk choice made out of fear, you know?
my dad encouraged me to take a gap year, and i really didn't want to. i was so excited for school (and did fine). my brother really could've used one (as he says now), but also had no interest. it's difficult when it's not the cultural thing to do.
Post by juliagoulia on Jul 7, 2013 17:09:00 GMT -5
If DS gets a scholarship, he's going to that school. Or he'll go to a state school because H is a professor at one and it's really cheap for kids to go. Or he will go live with a nice family on a farm. Those are the options.
I would make a deal with my son before he picked a college that he would need to attend for at least a full academic year before making a decision to transfer. If it's not a good fit, that's ok but there's no way to know that based on one weekend.
As a side note, I worked in college admissions for years at a selective liberal arts school and our record for quickest withdraw was 32 minutes. The girl freaked out when she picked up her room key and put her stuff right back in her family's minivan.
Fuck no I would not let her quit her dream school just because she didn't like orientation. Orientation is awkward at best, and it takes a while to feel comfortable anywhere. She may never see another person from her orientation weekend again and make completely different friends when school starts. I would make her do one year there. If she still hated it, then she could quit and go to CC.
I tried to pull the same shit w/ my parents when I was set to go to college. I got into a great school, but my boyfriend (who was a loser going nowhere but I was too in luuuuuv to see that) didn't. I wanted to stay at home and go to my back-up school so that I could be closer to him and we could be together foreeevvvrrrr, and I was convinced that my school was full of snotty bitches who already hated me. I have no idea how my parents stayed so calm, but they did, and told me to give it one year. Then I could do whatever, and they would still pay for it if it was what I really wanted. I was sofuckingpist that they were "making" me go to that school, and I cried and cried when they left me at my dorm.
Turns out they really did know what was best for me, and that school was, indeed, a perfect fit, and not at all full of bitches. Or maybe I just turned into one of them. Either way, it worked out.
Tell your friend to stay strong, and push their kid to go to the dream school for one year. Even if it makes the kid mad. Kids are technically adults at 18, but that doesn't mean they can't make really stupid choices without thinking through the consequences, and no longer need a good parental shove in the right direction, you know?
Post by Jalapeñomel on Jul 7, 2013 17:31:08 GMT -5
I don't care if my child stays in-state, but like @misoangry said, if they have the opportunity to go to a 4-year school and chose to go to a community college, I would be pissed.
Lets assume that you have a child who is an A-/B+ student and a gifted athlete. Would you be upset if that child turned down tuition at a school offering $$$ to be on a sports team? How about if that child got into their "dream school" then went to orientation weekend and was like, "Nope, I didn't make any friends this weekend, I want to stay home and go to community college with my loser friends from high school."
Would this upset you? How easily would you give in to this? Would you make your child attempt the move away or just accept their new desire to stay home.
Someone I know is going through this.
After orientation weekend, I'm sending them back. Cold feet are normal and everything worth doing takes some adjustment. They can transfer after freshman year if it is really an awful match.
However, if at the college acceptance phase my kid decided to stay local and go to Cal rather than going away somewhere further, I'd be okay with that.
My cousin pulled something like this. My aunt dropped her off anyway. She loved college. She gets cold feet on things like this and needsed a push. My friends who dropped out before the end of first year all had trouble sticking with anything after that. I think 18 is an age when some kids need someone pushing them to follow through despite nerves.
I would make the idea of staying home and going to the local college with his friends not so appealing. I'd probably talk to him about giving it a chance since it is an opportunity, and if he was truly miserable after giving it a year then we'd discuss the community college. Can they defer the scholarship a year? If he thinks he is adult enough to make the final decision, then he better step up and be prepared for the consequences. Is there anyone he can talk to who'd tell him he is being foolish? Where is post with all the college advice to SueSue's son?
I want my kid to go to GA Tech or UGANDA. He can get a "real" college experience, get a good education, and not be far from home.
If he has the opportunity to go to a good school and wants to pass it up for a community college I will be pissed as hell. I would likely refuse to support him at all financially. It would be different if community college is his only option, but I'm not going to be supportive of him passing up a better opportunity.
Yes. I wouldn't be upset if they did not want to do sports, because at a collegiate level the commitment is much bigger and I can understand not wanting that, but I would not be ok with them not wanting to go because they didn't make a million friend over orientation.
This is all a part of moving into that next phase of life, of stepping away from your comfort zone, having to really put yourself out there and just explore.
Post by Monica Geller on Jul 7, 2013 19:47:38 GMT -5
There are A LOT of factors to be considered when your kid is making decisions about college.
However, in the case the OP is describing: backing out after Summer Orientation in order to stay home with HS friends...HELL NO. Your ass is going to school for at least the first semester. We can re-evaluate if an honest attempt is given during the first semester.
Post by saraandmichael on Jul 7, 2013 19:49:59 GMT -5
fuck that. if my child had a scholarship to college their ass would be there. and if they wanted to flex their adult muscle, then they could do it on their own paying their own way.
also, its really the whole ordeal in general that bugs me. i'll be damned if i'm going to allow my kids to make hasty decisions that will have an effect on their entire lives because they don't want to venture out of their comfort zone. and its pretty detrimental to the child's development into adulthood to be allowed to just give up like that.
i kind of want to smack the mom for being cool with this.
Anyway.. I am rambling. I guess I think a lot of it has to do with who the person is and what they make of the experience. You can live your entire life in the same town and be your own person and have an amazing, fulfilling life.Sometimes I bristle a little at the notion that one should be worldly and well-traveled. It seems like such a product of our time and our privilege.
I do agree with this.
H and I love travel. And I really hope K does too, especially since we have no grandparents or cousins in the area and have to hop on a plane (in some cases internationally) to visit any of them. And some of our most incredible experiences have happened through travel, but of course that's not the case for everyone.
So if he is a home body, that's who he is and that's okay too. I mean, he'll have to come along with us until he's old enough to stay by himself, but we're not going to be like, "Okay! No college for you! Off with you to UGANDA!"
Yes; I went to college about as far away from my parents as you can get in the continental US and I think it really made me mature quicker than some of my peers who were driving home every 3 day weekend. My parents did include the caveat that I join a sorority which I hated at first but in hindsight I wouldn't change at all.
I was going to ask why on earth anyone would be opposed to gap year, then I realized people were construing it as staying home. DH and I both went straight through and we are very pro-gap year, but to travel. Not to stay at home.
And obviously, I would be opposed to community college in that situation BUT DH went to CC for two years (after getting into the standard top 10), then transferred to Stanford, so it works sometimes.
It's hard to say. Right now, I'm like "No way, my baby!" but realistically- I think it might have been better for me if I'd gone to college further away from my parents. It was too easy to use them as a crutch.
I work at a university where my kids can go for free, so I am hoping they take advantage of that or we can also try to do a tuition exchange thing with another university.
I've told them that I would pay for them to live on campus in the dorms so they could have that experience. If there is another school that they are really wanting to go to, then I will support that.
Only addressing one part- my brother was a homebody and wanted to go to college in hometown so he could live at home. IT is a reputable college, and was a full degree college, not community.
I worked sooooooo hard to get him to change his mind. I value the broader experience of living away. I had him come visit, he met college friends of mine. I'd leave him alone with them so they could really visit and talk about whatever w/o sister present, etc. he eventually decided to go away (and to my uni, which wasn't the mission, but flattering. ). He doesn't admit it now but he was so scared by moving away.
It's late in the year to do the whole transition but maybe hooking the kid up w some hs grads who can talk about their experience and making friends could help? It comes better from a peer than an adult, I think!
Anyway.. I am rambling. I guess I think a lot of it has to do with who the person is and what they make of the experience. You can live your entire life in the same town and be your own person and have an amazing, fulfilling life.Sometimes I bristle a little at the notion that one should be worldly and well-traveled. It seems like such a product of our time and our privilege.
I do agree with this.
H and I love travel. And I really hope K does too, especially since we have no grandparents or cousins in the area and have to hop on a plane (in some cases internationally) to visit any of them. And some of our most incredible experiences have happened through travel, but of course that's not the case for everyone.
So if he is a home body, that's who he is and that's okay too. I mean, he'll have to come along with us until he's old enough to stay by himself, but we're not going to be like, "Okay! No college for you! Off with you to UGANDA!"
yeah. "away" for me means "not in my house." i love travel, i value the experiences i've had, i'm glad i studied abroad and didn't go to college in my hometown (not that there is one), etc. but that's me. i needed that to get the hell outside my very naive, very small life. not through my parents' ill intent or anything, but i was focused on academic and (non-pro, lol) athletic achievement and didn't rock the boat much. i needed to see something beyond where i was from to get past that.
Mine already has her school picked out. Near family (dh's cousin who lived on 26 acres with horses has already offered for her to live there to help with her girls), and they have a competitive cheerleading squad. We visited the campus while in ms and it IS gorgeous and only 30 mins away from all of the family. If she chooses not to go to college I will be very sad but at that point she will be an adult and can make her own life decisions. I will offer her the same deal my mom made me, you go to college and can live here or I'll help pay living expenses elsewhere, or if you choose not to go, you can live here but you will be paying me rent, utilities, and your own car insurance. The school she plans on attending is 10 hours away. She got sad when I told her we wouldn't be moving close by.