Not to minimize your excellent parenting and dilemma, but I find it hilarious that your support of DS2 is so completely tied to your support of DS1 - who are, obviously different people in completely different circumstances. So what, if DS1 earned 100 bucks more (back then) would DS2 "owe" 100 bucks MORE now? WTH?
I was the 2nd sibling who went to Europe. I worked as a nanny in addition to my FT college schedule to bank $ for the trip. I did a TON of traveling and fun stuff. More than sibling ( on my own $/Euro) and when I wanted/needed another $500 from parents, I asked and they gave. Sibling said "I didn't know we could just ASK for $ and get it. Humph". I was like - yeah, idiot, duhh. Not really the idiot part, but I did way more, my parent's approved, end of story. No WAY should I have had some 'budget' based on her experience.
I have a sister 18 months younger who is largely financially supported by my parents still. This comes up a lot at our house. My mom is firmly in the "fair does not always mean equal" camp and I agree with her.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jul 10, 2013 19:09:54 GMT -5
What great lesson is he thinking DS 2 is going to learn with this approach? Tell DH to shut his mouth if he ever wants your mouth to play his skin flute again. Then tell him if he insists on busting DS2s balls and collecting this money, you will use said collected money to buy DS 2 something totally ridiculous, like a pony :-)
my ILs think of "fair" as "exactly equal" when it comes to money. my sil went to crazy expensive schools and is in a lower paying job than my husband and i are (oh yeah, i'm part of this now. which is NUTS.), so they kept trying to give us cash (still do). i appreciate it as motivated by the fact that my fil, unfortunately, got the short end of every stick in his sibling relationships. so i see your husband's perspective. it's easy to say you're fair if everyone is the exact same, no one will be hurt.
but this isn't that ds2 chose to go to columbia on your dime and then took a job as a $.25/hour newspaper seller or something. it's that he couldn't work due to a horrific accident, so had less earning capacity. it's "fair" even though it isn't equal.
I know you said DS1 was not taking this to issue but why would he even know how much was spent for DS2? Tell your husband to chill. I think things were pretty fair as is. They both worked as much as they could, saved and had help to go to Europe. Sounds good to me. It's not like you bought both of them cars at the same time for no reason and one received a piece of crap and the other a brand new car.
Ds1 doesn't know anything of any of this. He's out of town right now. He's not asking for anything, he's not saying it's unfair. It is DH who is saying it's unfair, and ds2 should repay US.
I was just pointing out that the kids might not even know there was a huge difference. The only ones who really know are you two, so it's ridiculous to use the argument that DS1 was under financed. I feel super bad that H brought it up in front of DS2. How sad, like because he was injured, he should have to pay money back. Team Sue Sue.
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Jul 10, 2013 19:22:10 GMT -5
I'm willing to bet that at some point in the past or the future, DS1 is going to need some cash that DS2 won't. Will you have to give that same amount to DS2 to make it fair? Make Ds1 pay it back? I would avoid this tit-for-tat attitude when it comes to doing for the kids, because really where would it stop? Do they get the exact same amount for clothes ALL THE TIME? What about tuition money? What about bdays/holiday gifts? What happens if as adults one needs some help making rent? Where will the madness end?
Tell your H to let it go.
Also, was this an issue with his bitch mom? Did she start this kind of shit when he was a kid? Maybe favor one kid over another?
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Jul 10, 2013 19:27:05 GMT -5
Oh and no way in hell would I just buy a $1k camera to keep shit equal. Nope. Things like that are earned or given as gifts for bdays/holidays (and around here COMBINED bday/holiday), not just out of some weird guilt for spending MY hard earned money how I chose and on a kid that needed a bit more at that point in time.
I think it would be especially unfair for DS2 to say NOW "oh btw you owe us money" AFTER the trip. No, that shit needs to be disclosed before he committed to and went on the trip, not after. That's just rude and punishing him for something he had no control over.
Post by 2boys2danes on Jul 10, 2013 19:28:48 GMT -5
I'm constantly (in my mind) making sure that I always keep things "fair" with my boys.... I would probably do something for DS1 and call it even and good
Your H is wrong here. Your son was in an accident and physically couldn't work, its not like he said fuck it, let mom and dad pay while I sit on my ass.
Life isn't always fair. Ds2 shouldn't have to pay it back.
Kid 2 doesn't owe you a dime. Ask your h if the kid should also pay back his medical bills. I mean, if we're gonna get nit picky here. NOW THOSE COST MONEY
Post by saraandmichael on Jul 10, 2013 19:36:17 GMT -5
also (and i say this because i am nicely buzzed after a fucking stressful day so i probably wouldn't admit to it otherwise) your kid almost died. dead. gone. not here anymore. he went through hell and back, and so did you. taking care of him, worrying about him, helping him break into school to tape valentines to every locker because he couldn't do it alone ...he kinda deserves something special for getting through that. and like, a bonus for still being alive. i have given more than i should many times to my son because i saw him laying there so fucking close to death. and while its been more like lego sets and hot wheel tracks, i've not for one minute felt guilty that there has been unfair distribution between my boys. and i know x1000000 that noah feels that his little brother deserves all of it and then some for all of the shit he has been through.
Your H is wrong here. Your son was in an accident and physically couldn't work, its not like he said fuck it, let mom and dad pay while I sit on my ass.
and even if he had chosen to do zero work to earn any money, the time to discuss consequences for that choice was before the trip, not after.
also (and i say this because i am nicely buzzed after a fucking stressful day so i probably wouldn't admit to it otherwise) your kid almost died. dead. gone. not here anymore. he went through hell and back, and so did you. taking care of him, worrying about him, helping him break into school to tape valentines to every locker because he couldn't do it alone ...he kinda deserves something special for getting through that. and like, a bonus for still being alive. i have given more than i should many times to my son because i saw him laying there so fucking close to death. and while its been more like lego sets and hot wheel tracks, i've not for one minute felt guilty that there has been unfair distribution between my boys. and i know x1000000 that noah feels that his little brother deserves all of it and then some for all of the shit he has been through.
I just started crying.
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you cry. its just that this kind of thing is so deeply personal and if my husband dared to pull this kind of shit he would feel the wrath (well, he has felt the wrath...and has never brought it up again).
Post by TemperanceBrennan on Jul 10, 2013 19:48:45 GMT -5
I am thinking back to when I was growing up and how I would have felt back then, or how my mom would have handled it. I think that you are right. I think I or my sisters never knew how much my mom spent on each of us (so to us it was always equal). She usually spent what each of us needed at the time. We were expected to contribute what we could for certain things. If we had to pay for something ourselves we always knew that ahead of time.
So, in your situation, if each son was expected to pay $1200 towards the trip, that would have been the deal from the get go, not after the fact. What I think you are saying is that they each needed to work and pay something towards their trip, not a specific amount. Which is what they did. I vote equal and fair. They each contributed what they could and you made up for the rest, in both cases.