I'm willing to bet that at some point in the past or the future, DS1 is going to need some cash that DS2 won't. Will you have to give that same amount to DS2 to make it fair? Make Ds1 pay it back? I would avoid this tit-for-tat attitude when it comes to doing for the kids, because really where would it stop? Do they get the exact same amount for clothes ALL THE TIME? What about tuition money? What about bdays/holiday gifts? What happens if as adults one needs some help making rent? Where will the madness end?
Tell your H to let it go.
Also, was this an issue with his bitch mom? Did she start this kind of shit when he was a kid? Maybe favor one kid over another?
YES this was an issue with his mother.
Ah, well there's the root of the issue. Tell him you aren't like his mom (clearly), and you won't be worrying about this from now on. And really, does he also expect you to go back and tally up all the cash you've spent on each kid for the past 20 years? What then?
Does he also think that because you had to spend some extra cash on DS2 because of his accident (medical bills, medical equipment, time away from work, etc) that that should be tallied up for the grand total for DS1? I mean, ask him. I really am curious why this is his hill to die on.
Ds2 paid what he could; it's not his fault he couldn't work and earn more money. I'm sure there will be times in life when you'll spend more (or have spent more) on Ds1, it all balances out.
DS1 contributed his earnings from x date to y date. DS2 can contribute his earnings from an equivalent time period. The fact he was in a wheelchair for part of that shouldn't be held against him (in the family). This doesn't have to be exactly like the real world where the more screwed over you are, the more screwed over you get.
I don't think it really has to be equal, especially at their age. You do what your kid needs from you, and you did that. I don't think I'd make you pay him back, especially because the reason he couldn't contribute more was due to his accident.
i'm sorry. i didn't mean to make you cry. its just that this kind of thing is so deeply personal and if my husband dared to pull this kind of shit he would feel the wrath (well, he has felt the wrath...and has never brought it up again).
I'm going to get to the bottom of it, and then probably kill him. Sigh .This is exhausting. I am so tired of all this crap .
unless he is super introspective, i don't think there is getting to the bottom of this shit.
of course the stuff with his mom has something to do with it, but i am wholly convinced that men deal with the stress of the near loss totally differently (and i hate using this blanket statement, because its so sexist) and part of what he is doing, in my eyes, and needing to make him equal in a way that your oldest son wasn't because it negates the trauma and the near deathness of it all.
maybe just have him slowly pay back his spending money. Afterall, he did break the rules while on the trip. I agree that the circumstance leading up to DS2's trip prevented him from earning anything close to that of his older brother.
Did DS2 get a big insurance settlement? One that included lost wages? Or will he get one? Because that's the only way I see your husband's point. But then, yeah, he is right. DS2 has been compensated and should pay the difference. If he didn't, then I am Team Everyone Else.
Well then. I don't know what your husband is thinking at all. And I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't give DS1 anything. You compensated DS2 for a nearly fatal accident. His brother doesn't get made equal for that, any more than you'd ask DS2 to pay other expenses resulting from the accident.
I am looking for the fair is not equal cartoon for your DH but I can't find it. It has 3 people looking over a fence - one tall, one middle and one short. The equal cartoon has then all standing on the same height boxes so only the tall one can see over. The fair one has them all on different size boxes so they can all see over.
Suesue, has this been an issue for you two before, keeping things even and fair between the boys? and by issue for you, I really mean for him but you get the joy of dealing with it too.
You can't change the terms on the kid after hes taken the trip. If DH expected him to do something differently to earn the trip, like a cetrain dollar amount, he needed to talk to DS before he committed to going. Since it was work as much as you can to earn money and that's what the kid did, the adult in the equation needs to shut up and move on.
Life isn't fair. Your kids don't need to have exactly equivalent "gifts" from their parents. Make it up to DS1 in another way if you must. DS2 doesn't need to pay back trip money that his parents willingly gave him. That's just dumb. I would feel slighted if I was him.
My dad paid of the vet bills Chloe had accrued when she was rescued so that I could keep her when we fostered her. A few years later at Christmas, both of my siblings got tablets. Things even out in the end, when it's appropriate.
Late to the thread, but my two cents, no I wouldn't expect DS2 to pay the extra back. Circumstances beyond his control reduced how much he could contribute, so what would be unfair was to have said he couldn't go because he hadn't saved enough. And beyond that, if the trip was set up, paid for and done without the expectation up front that he would pay you back, it would be pretty shitty to dump that on him after the fact.
Fair does not always mean equal. For example, I know my parents still support my sister financially to some extent, and I don't get any money from them. But, in her situation, she needs that kind of support, and I don't. I do get a ton of support from them for childcare logistics when DH is OOT, or when we want to go out, and DD sleeps over at their house frequently. My sister lives out of state so they don't do this for her. So I feel like we both get the support we need, even though it's not the same.
Equity is about making a similar or equivalent experience available to both.
If DS#2 was constrained by injury, a lack of job opportunities related to a crappy economy or fewer skills than his brother he should be denied the chance to have his trip.
Ditto all the others on equity/fairness. And, hey, DS2 probably wore DS1's hand-me-downs for years, right? You've probably outspent on DS1 in that regard. You can ask your H how he wants to make that up to DS2.
Post by little kicks on Jul 11, 2013 7:33:13 GMT -5
I think this is the only ML thread I've ever read where everyone agrees. Reading this has made me so angry for you and your son. I hope your H realizes how wrong he is.
I hate that your H brought this up at all, but especially that he did so in front of your son. I hope DS2 doesn't feel like his accident made him a burden. Your H really owes him an apology.