manifest fairness issue

[janetplanet20]

Your DS1 doesn't get to decide how you spend your money, including how much you give to each kid. He should be happy that you gave him any money for his Europe trip two years ago and not concern himself with how much you gave DS2.

[Deleted]

Howwww about you give ds1 the difference towards some other big purchase?

My solution obviously involves a money tree, though.

Oh, and I think if you wanted ds2 to pay you back you would have had to tell him that BEFORE he took the trip. Doing it now would be like sending a bill for the rehearsal dinner during the honeymoon. Heh.

[rupertpenny]

I'm on your side. Making your DS2 pay you back is adding insult to injury in my opinion.

[calledout]

What if the cost of airfare or the value of the euro went down, such that DS2's overall trip was less than DS1's? Would DS1 have to pay you back?

Both boys were required to work to contribute to the cost of the trip, and you / your family paid the rest. Seems like both sides fulfilled their end of the bargain to me.

[Deleted]

If DS1 had, for any reason besides laziness, not had 1700 but only had 800, would you still have paid the remainder? Say he was struggling in a subject and needed to spend more time studying, or was asked to play in the KC orchestra, or got a shot at an acting gig? What would you have done?

[dcannie]

i feel like they both got to go to europe, both by working and with your help, so all is fair.

[amberlyrose]

Yeah, I agree with stellas. If you had told him before, he could've budgeted better while there and maybe not have run out, causing you to send him more.
After? No. Total rehearsal dinner bill on the honeymoon.

[sergey]

Team you on this one. Your H should just count himself lucky he was able to send his kid to Europe from the sound of it.

[snickers]

I could see your H's point if DS2 was just too lazy to work or spend his money on other things knowing the trip was approaching, but his these circumstances I think what you did was fair and what any parent would do if their finances enabled them to do so. If you can afford to just absorb the cost, then I would. If you cannot, then I can see asking him to pay it back, yes.

[Deleted]

Ask your H, since when is life fair?


I think he's wrong on this.

[lime]

Another vote for extenuating circumstances and no payback needed.

[whattheheck]

There is no rule that says you have to treat your kids identically. Different situations call for different things. Different kids need different things. Life is unfair.

Can you tell my kids have been a bit whiny about equal and fair lately?

[firedancer49]

I wouldn't make him pay it back.

Did he know from the beginning that he had to earn a specific amount and you would only contribute a specific amount and went over that to help out and he would need to figure it out?

[christy082]

I agree with you. This was a unique circumstance- he couldn't have worked during that time. 

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Drop it, DH. I mean, did the trips cost the exact same amount of money, down to the penny, accounting for inflation? Give #1 the difference if you want to even things out, or just leave it alone. It's not like he was dicking around, he was rehabbing some really serious injuries. Wtf?

[Deleted]

I'm team you, and I think it is insane to think that everything will always be completely "fair" in regards to how you treat your children. Different children have different needs - in this case DS2 could not physically work. I don't think it is right to now expect him to pay for that.

[MWOS]

Does your husband expect DS2 to pay back the extensive medical bills since that was extra money spent on him that wasn't spent on DS1

Also, life isn't fair

I SHOULD BE A LAWYER

[rex]

Life isn't fair. DS2 didn't have the money because of something he couldn't control so he shouldn't have to pay you back.

I say either forget the money or if you wanted to give some towards something ds1 wanted that would be generous.

[VeryViolet]

I agree with you. It isn't like DS2 is a lazy ungrateful brat who expected you to pay for him. You asked him to work to contribute to the trip and he did that. It isn't his fault he was unable to work as much as DS1. I understand that your husband is trying to be "fair" but honestly you can't compare the two situations (and couldn't even if there hadn't been an accident) and your DH shouldn't try.

[janetplanet20]

Jul 10, 2013 18:38:59 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Jul 10, 2013 18:36:58 GMT -5 janetplanet20 said:

Your DS1 doesn't get to decide how you spend your money, including how much you give to each kid. He should be happy that you gave him any money for his Europe trip two years ago and not concern himself with how much you gave DS2.

ds1 is not upset, and has not asked or raised the issue. DH is raising the issue; that it's not fair to ds1 that we gave ds2 more. 

Got it. I misunderstood your original post.

If your husband wants to make it more "fair", rather than making DS2 pay you back the difference, maybe you guys could buy him something he needs when he returns to college this fall. But honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Fair isn't everyone getting the same thing, or in this case, the same amount of money.

[wambam]

Agree with other posters. This was not his fault at all.

[PeonyParty]

I know you said DS1 was not taking this to issue but why would he even know how much was spent for DS2? Tell your husband to chill.
I think things were pretty fair as is. They both worked as much as they could, saved and had help to go to Europe. Sounds good to me.
It's not like you bought both of them cars at the same time for no reason and one received a piece of crap and the other a brand new car.

[adhdfashion]

I think it's kinda petty to make ds2 pay the same amount as his brother. Different situation and child. Life isn't even Stevens ever.

Sent from my SCH-S720C using proboards

[TrickyBob]

I would be inclined to say that because DS2 wasn't aware of what was going to happen to him, that it's a case of let bygones be bygones. I like the idea of offering DS1 something when he goes back to school; something he needs and not just a "here's the difference between your trip and your brothers, spend as you'd like."

[Monica Geller]

Make him pay back the cost of the lost retainer and the amount he paid for the booze he got caught with. Then call it even.  

[overture]

It's also not fair to make him pay this back after the fact, when it wasn't part of the original deal. He didn't decide to go to Europe knowing that he would owe $900 at the end. He went knowing that he paid what he could, and you guys paid for the rest, just like with his brother.

[TrickyBob]

Jul 10, 2013 18:55:15 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

I think dh is thinking 'fair' is the same amount of money, and I get that, entirely. I just think fair is that both people get what they need when they need it; which is not always 'equal'.

It had occurred to me that we'd spent more on ds2 than on ds1, and I was already kind of looking at that camera. It's pricey, it fit the amount, but I had not discussed it with dh at all. Dh just announced tonight that he felt like ds2 should pay back this money, and I was kind of taken aback. Not a fight; just an odd conversation. It took place in front of ds2, and I'm pissed about that.

Not cool Mr.SueSue. He didn't need to do that in front of DS2. Your poor kid could not help what happened to him and what happened to him is a direct result of why he didn't have a lot more money for this trip. 

[hisno1girl]

Tell your DH he's being ridiculous and give him a blow job to make him shut up

[redheadk]

Give ds1 the money AND make him wheel around in a chair for the same amount of time as ds2, unable to work.

There, fair?

Life isn't fair or equal.

[Jalapeñomel]

WTF, no.