I'm trying to think of all the interactions with him my H has had.
The two I described. I would generally complain about him and having to correct his work; as in "mentee fucked this tax return up, so I had to stay late to fix it". So maybe that's part of why he thinks he a douche? But again, a lot has changed in five years.
We ran into him once at the tire store and they did the handshake thing, but that interaction was all of thirty seconds.
I helped him out a lot as his mentor, and I think he was grateful. Mentee did not like the big firm mentality and I think I was sort of a life raft. I would maybe he say he was attached, but I don't think it was a crush.
And all of the feelings he may have had were all related to the work environment we were in at the time - FOUR/FIVE YEARS AGO.
But, if this is going to be my H's hill to die on, I'm going to pass up the opportunity, which sucks. Hopefully, I can bring enough levity to the situation to make him change his mind. I'm seriously doubting my H would agree to meeting with mentee at this point.
Unless there's more to this story, your husband is WAY overreacting. The phone thing and the Facebook thing were completely innocuous.
Exactly.
And when was this FB comment made? We're talking a couple of years, right?
FWIW, much like fart jokes, dick jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Since I just looked back at it (I still have the picture but deleted the comment); it was made March 12, 2012. So I guess more recently than H would care for.
Is your DH always this jealous/insecure/mistrusting? If so then I would tell him to man up and I would keep the business partnership.
If this is uncharacteristic behavior of your DH then there may be more to the story than you know. So in that case I would respectfully bow out of the partnership and respect DH feelings on this.
Also, the phone thing? Your H is TOTALLY overreacting. He did you a favor. LIKE A NICE HUMAN BEING. That doesn't mean you're going to jump in the sack with him. FFS.
Is your husband one of these guys who thinks if a woman does anything nice for him, it automatically means she wants to bone him? Because I know someone like that, and that's what his reaction makes me think.
Also, the phone thing? Your H is TOTALLY overreacting. He did you a favor. LIKE A NICE HUMAN BEING. That doesn't mean you're going to jump in the sack with him. FFS.
Is your husband one of these guys who thinks if a woman does anything nice for him, it automatically means she wants to bone him? Because I know someone like that, and that's what his reaction makes me think.
Wait....isn't that how a women is supposed to repay a favor!?
I fully admit that Mentee was immature when he started working at my old firm. But he was 23 and right out of school. We actually talked about it several times in mentoring sessions. I don't think he had a crush on me, but we worked closely together for about a year and a half. When I talk with him now, I see such a change in him. And his client list is very impressive. It speaks for itself. I don't think these business and community leaders would be paying him thousands of dollars if he hadn't grown up. My H does not want to hear about his transformation though; he just shuts down.
This paragraph actually puts me in the "I'd be PISSED at DH". What I would say to him is that he should trust YOU. You handled this guy appropriately 4 years ago, YOU see a change in him, and YOU are excited. Your DH "shutting down" on you says (to me) that he actually doesn't trust you and/or your judgement - and that's where I start to get pissed.
Your DH is basically refusing to have even an inkling of an open mind about this, and right now having him meet w/ this guy is going to fall flat. your DH will have an attitude about it.
I'd be pissed and I'd read him the riot act. He needs to get his head out of his ass, he needs to look at you - his wife, the woman he loves and married and knows - and look at this w/ you and YOUR future in mind.
As much as people are saying you should respect his feelings, what about him respecting yours? If you give up on this opportunity and if it's really takes off the way you think it might - you will resent your DH. Somewhere, somehow, you will resent him. At least if you give it up now, w/ your DH's present attitude.
NOW- if he can take a step back, take his blinders off, and actually try to approach this from a mature place and make a REAL effort to meet this guy and try to see how he's changed.... if he can then give you a more concrete reason/explanation of his issues, THEN maybe the right choice is to walk away from the opportunity.
But as it stands now - there is no "win" here, and - again- I'd actually be pretty damn pissed.
Taking everything at face value, I would really ask H to be MY partner and have a dinner where we could meet personally and talk a little business over dessert.
You just sounds SO excited about this opportunity! Don't want you to be bitter about turning this down "for your H.". That is something that feels so anti-Lean In!!
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 25, 2013 10:57:46 GMT -5
What portion of HHI do you make vs. your DH? Any chance that your DH is inwardly conflicted about you leaving the security of the current firm and what that might mean for your budget if it doesn't work out, and it's manifesting itself in him trying to put up roadblocks to you doing so? He may not even realize that's what's going on.
Ultimately, if I passed on this opportunity and then later hugely regretted it, it would be hard for that not to affect my relationship with my husband down the line. Has your DH considered that?
I fully admit that Mentee was immature when he started working at my old firm. But he was 23 and right out of school. We actually talked about it several times in mentoring sessions. I don't think he had a crush on me, but we worked closely together for about a year and a half. When I talk with him now, I see such a change in him. And his client list is very impressive. It speaks for itself. I don't think these business and community leaders would be paying him thousands of dollars if he hadn't grown up. My H does not want to hear about his transformation though; he just shuts down.
This paragraph actually puts me in the "I'd be PISSED at DH". What I would say to him is that he should trust YOU. You handled this guy appropriately 4 years ago, YOU see a change in him, and YOU are excited. Your DH "shutting down" on you says (to me) that he actually doesn't trust you and/or your judgement - and that's where I start to get pissed.
Your DH is basically refusing to have even an inkling of an open mind about this, and right now having him meet w/ this guy is going to fall flat. your DH will have an attitude about it.
I'd be pissed and I'd read him the riot act. He needs to get his head out of his ass, he needs to look at you - his wife, the woman he loves and married and knows - and look at this w/ you and YOUR future in mind.
As much as people are saying you should respect his feelings, what about him respecting yours? If you give up on this opportunity and if it's really takes off the way you think it might - you will resent your DH. Somewhere, somehow, you will resent him. At least if you give it up now, w/ your DH's present attitude.
NOW- if he can take a step back, take his blinders off, and actually try to approach this from a mature place and make a REAL effort to meet this guy and try to see how he's changed.... if he can then give you a more concrete reason/explanation of his issues, THEN maybe the right choice is to walk away from the opportunity.
But as it stands now - there is no "win" here, and - again- I'd actually be pretty damn pissed.
I wanted to say something similar, but couldn't find the right words. ECB did.
I fully admit that Mentee was immature when he started working at my old firm. But he was 23 and right out of school. We actually talked about it several times in mentoring sessions. I don't think he had a crush on me, but we worked closely together for about a year and a half. When I talk with him now, I see such a change in him. And his client list is very impressive. It speaks for itself. I don't think these business and community leaders would be paying him thousands of dollars if he hadn't grown up. My H does not want to hear about his transformation though; he just shuts down.
This paragraph actually puts me in the "I'd be PISSED at DH". What I would say to him is that he should trust YOU. You handled this guy appropriately 4 years ago, YOU see a change in him, and YOU are excited. Your DH "shutting down" on you says (to me) that he actually doesn't trust you and/or your judgement - and that's where I start to get pissed.
Your DH is basically refusing to have even an inkling of an open mind about this, and right now having him meet w/ this guy is going to fall flat. your DH will have an attitude about it.
I'd be pissed and I'd read him the riot act. He needs to get his head out of his ass, he needs to look at you - his wife, the woman he loves and married and knows - and look at this w/ you and YOUR future in mind.
As much as people are saying you should respect his feelings, what about him respecting yours? If you give up on this opportunity and if it's really takes off the way you think it might - you will resent your DH. Somewhere, somehow, you will resent him. At least if you give it up now, w/ your DH's present attitude.
NOW- if he can take a step back, take his blinders off, and actually try to approach this from a mature place and make a REAL effort to meet this guy and try to see how he's changed.... if he can then give you a more concrete reason/explanation of his issues, THEN maybe the right choice is to walk away from the opportunity.
But as it stands now - there is no "win" here, and - again- I'd actually be pretty damn pissed.
What portion of HHI do you make vs. your DH? Any chance that your DH is inwardly conflicted about you leaving the security of the current firm and what that might mean for your budget if it doesn't work out, and it's manifesting itself in him trying to put up roadblocks to you doing so? He may not even realize that's what's going on.
Ultimately, if I passed on this opportunity and then later hugely regretted it, it would be hard for that not to affect my relationship with my husband down the line. Has your DH considered that?
This is hard to answer and I don't want to get into specifics about it, but I am lucky enough to have a lot of passive income and savings. I took a paycut to try to build business at this new smaller firm. Paycheck wise, he makes double what I make. Total income wise I make double what he makes. Since my paycut when we have to dip into savings, I brought more than 10x his savings amount into the marriage.
The numbers we have thrown out for a base salary are more than my base now. With my profit share from the partnership I should be able to make more than I am currently making with base and bonus in the first year. But of course, if the partnership fails, I would be making zero. It has grown substantially each year of operations. There is also opportunity to buy the office building that I want to look into; also he's in talks with developing an industry specific accounting software. There are so many opportunities to build not only net income, but net worth and wealth.
I don't think my H has any reason to feel insecure about our income. We have substantial savings and investments if we need to use them.
I think your husband is being a huge, possessive jerk.
None of this would occur as a problem to either me or my husband, though. (I sometimes think either of us could cheat with abandon because neither of us are suspicious by nature AT ALL. Nothing has ever, ever happened that would make me consider that scenario for a minute.)
If I thought a woman my husband worked with wanted to bone him, I'd probably have an innate distrust/dislike for her, but I trust my husband 100% to not cheat on me. And like I said, that's never happened.
Post by Velvetshady on Jul 25, 2013 12:09:01 GMT -5
What exactly does your DH do career-wise? Because I just can't imagine an adult, with a real job, with more than one sex represented in their workplace, being upset by the examples you gave.
I guess I'm in the minority, but if my husband was uncomfortable tying us (essentially) to another person for a substantial period of time in the myriad of ways you're describing, I would be very, very hesitant to proceed. I would think he would value my opinion if the shoe were on the other foot. Unlike other work positions, a partnership with an outside individual seems like the kind of thing where both spouses should be in substantial agreement. That said, I would work through the business case of it like you're planning to and hash it out with your husband a bit more. Eventually it will probably shake out to you guys which one cares more about the issue - your husband on his uncomfortableness or you about this opportunity - and hopefully you can reach a decision together.
Yeah, harmless, but the facebook comment would actually give me pause. It shows (pretty recent) poor judgment in what's more or less a public setting.
And by "fight", I mean a lot of honest, calm discussion. Going over numbers and figures. Explaining to him how excited you are by this and what this means for your earning/wealth potential.
I'd even be willing to have some of those discussions in front of a neutral third party before I'd turn down the offer.
What portion of HHI do you make vs. your DH? Any chance that your DH is inwardly conflicted about you leaving the security of the current firm and what that might mean for your budget if it doesn't work out, and it's manifesting itself in him trying to put up roadblocks to you doing so? He may not even realize that's what's going on.
Ultimately, if I passed on this opportunity and then later hugely regretted it, it would be hard for that not to affect my relationship with my husband down the line. Has your DH considered that?
This is hard to answer and I don't want to get into specifics about it, but I am lucky enough to have a lot of passive income and savings. I took a paycut to try to build business at this new smaller firm. Paycheck wise, he makes double what I make. Total income wise I make double what he makes. Since my paycut when we have to dip into savings, I brought more than 10x his savings amount into the marriage.
The numbers we have thrown out for a base salary are more than my base now. With my profit share from the partnership I should be able to make more than I am currently making with base and bonus in the first year. But of course, if the partnership fails, I would be making zero. It has grown substantially each year of operations. There is also opportunity to buy the office building that I want to look into; also he's in talks with developing an industry specific accounting software. There are so many opportunities to build not only net income, but net worth and wealth.
I don't think my H has any reason to feel insecure about our income. We have substantial savings and investments if we need to use them.
Huh, I"m having a hard time figuring this out. Your H won't even consider having dinner with this guy? That's a little nuts. I'd really expect him to at least *consider* the opportunity and give the guy a chance. If he's still not okay with it, then I'd consider options. But for him to not even meet him is pretty rude.
Do you guys have kids or planning kids in the future? Is there a chance he's worried that with all the potential for future work, this may change what you guys were planning for and it is freaking him out?
I did remember another time they interacted; I was having a party at a beach house in May 2009; H and I had just started dating (I don't even think it was officially dating at that point). Mentee and two of his friends came over for a few hours one of the nights. Other co-workers were there too; but H thought it was "weird" that he would show up since he lived about 30 minutes from the beach house.
This is hard to answer and I don't want to get into specifics about it, but I am lucky enough to have a lot of passive income and savings. I took a paycut to try to build business at this new smaller firm. Paycheck wise, he makes double what I make. Total income wise I make double what he makes. Since my paycut when we have to dip into savings, I brought more than 10x his savings amount into the marriage.
The numbers we have thrown out for a base salary are more than my base now. With my profit share from the partnership I should be able to make more than I am currently making with base and bonus in the first year. But of course, if the partnership fails, I would be making zero. It has grown substantially each year of operations. There is also opportunity to buy the office building that I want to look into; also he's in talks with developing an industry specific accounting software. There are so many opportunities to build not only net income, but net worth and wealth.
I don't think my H has any reason to feel insecure about our income. We have substantial savings and investments if we need to use them.
Huh, I"m having a hard time figuring this out. Your H won't even consider having dinner with this guy? That's a little nuts. I'd really expect him to at least *consider* the opportunity and give the guy a chance. If he's still not okay with it, then I'd consider options. But for him to not even meet him is pretty rude.
Do you guys have kids or planning kids in the future? Is there a chance he's worried that with all the potential for future work, this may change what you guys were planning for and it is freaking him out?
Yeah, harmless, but the facebook comment would actually give me pause. It shows (pretty recent) poor judgment in what's more or less a public setting.
A silly joke is poor judgement? They weren't CWs at the time, and the joke was barely flirty or sexual.
He made a sexual joke to a married former supervisor, (probably inadvertently) insulting her husband in the process by not caring to get his name right, and did it so her Aunt Millie could read it. That's not the best use of judgment I've ever seen.
A silly joke is poor judgement? They weren't CWs at the time, and the joke was barely flirty or sexual.
He made a sexual joke to a married former supervisor, (probably inadvertently) insulting her husband in the process by not caring to get his name right, and did it so her Aunt Millie could read it. That's not the best use of judgment I've ever seen.
I think our versions of "uptight" may differ.
Like I said, that joke to me is barely sexual. Well within the realm of what adults can handle, even in mixed company. And people spell my H's name wrong all the time, even though it's visible on my profile if they "care to get it right," which sounds like it's on par with a Brian/Ryan mix-up that OP mentioned. I also don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to worry about who I've got on my FB friends list. I don't think it's a big deal at all, certainly not a lapse of professional judgment, but maybe you and OP's H agree on this one.
He made a sexual joke to a married former supervisor, (probably inadvertently) insulting her husband in the process by not caring to get his name right, and did it so her Aunt Millie could read it. That's not the best use of judgment I've ever seen.
I think our versions of "uptight" may differ.
Like I said, that joke to me is barely sexual. Well within the realm of what adults can handle, even in mixed company. And people spell my H's name wrong all the time, even though it's visible on my profile if they "care to get it right," which sounds like it's on par with a Brian/Ryan mix-up that OP mentioned. I also don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to worry about who I've got on my FB friends list. I don't think it's a big deal at all, certainly not a lapse of professional judgment, but maybe you and OP's H agree on this one.
Hell- even if we want to chalk it up to "poor professional judgement", is it really a reason to not pursue what could be a really good opportunity?
We're human. People say or do stupid shit. It happens.
Like I said, that joke to me is barely sexual. Well within the realm of what adults can handle, even in mixed company. And people spell my H's name wrong all the time, even though it's visible on my profile if they "care to get it right," which sounds like it's on par with a Brian/Ryan mix-up that OP mentioned. I also don't think it's anyone else's responsibility to worry about who I've got on my FB friends list. I don't think it's a big deal at all, certainly not a lapse of professional judgment, but maybe you and OP's H agree on this one.
Hell- even if we want to chalk it up to "poor professional judgement", is it really a reason to not pursue what could be a really good opportunity?
We're human. People say or do stupid shit. It happens.
I definitely think OP and her husband should really hash out the details of the business case of doing the partnership (that facebook comment alone wouldn't derail it for me). It could very well be a great move for her/them. Good luck and let us know what you decide, OP.
Thanks for all the input; there are a lot of good thoughts in here.
Like I said, I'm going to get all my ducks in a row. Seek the input of my mentor, my financial advisor, and my Dad, then sit down with H. After showing him everything, I'll ask if he is willing to meet with the Mentee. Unfortunately, if it doesn't go well I think I'd pass on the opportunity. I'm not willing to risk my marriage for it.
Thanks for all the input; there are a lot of good thoughts in here.
Like I said, I'm going to get all my ducks in a row. Seek the input of my mentor, my financial advisor, and my Dad, then sit down with H. After showing him everything, I'll ask if he is willing to meet with the Mentee. Unfortunately, if it doesn't go well I think I'd pass on the opportunity. I'm not willing to risk my marriage for it.