Work Related: H not comfortable w/ my new potential partner

[jwright]

I posted awhile ago about outgrowing my role at the small CPA firm I've been with for the past 18 months.  I was looking for advice about hanging my own shingle as a solo CPA.

Before coming to this small firm, I spent 10 years at a large accounting firm.  I started at the bottom and when I left I was in my third year as manager.  At various times during my tenure, I mentored younger associates as they moved up in the ranks.  One of my former mentees also left the large firm and opened up his own shop.  That was four years ago.  I've loosely kept in touch, but over the past few months we've talked more and more about my situation and his.  This week, he formally offered a partnership to me.  

He shared his financial statements and client list.  We'd have to work out a lot of details on day-to-day operations; but I"m really impressed with how he has grown his business and its potential.  He has two employees and they need more help.  Based on what I'm seeing, in the first year I'd make a little more than I'm making now, with a much greater earning potential in future years.  

My husband does not want me to join up with the former mentee.  His reason?  He thinks the guy has (or had) a crush on me.  H says "I don't want to hear about you working with someone who wants to bang you".  He says he is fine with me joining the new firm, but doesn't want to hear about it.  Essentially he will support me in the general sense, but doesn't want to hear about interactions with the mentee.  

I'm 33; mentee is 28.  When we worked together mentee was 23/24 and probably not the most professional.  The first time H met him, I had left my phone at the office and was having drinks with H at a bar on the way home.  I knew mentee was still at the office, so I called and asked if he would grab my phone off my desk and bring it by the bar.  He delivered it, and my H was certain that meant that he "liked" me.  The second interaction was a slightly (very slightly) suggestive Facebook post on my wall.  I wouldn't have given it a second thought by H was livid.  

I really think this partnership would be an awesome fit and would mean a lot more earnings for us.  Also, I'm excited about it.  I haven't been excited about my career in several years.  The enthusiasm and energy in this young growing company is addicting; I think I could really thrive.  I've tried to tell H this, his comeback "nothing that douchebag does will ever be impressive".

At this point my career options would be
    1.  Stay at current job and try to grow it into a better situation (not likely)

    2.  Break out on my own and set up solo-shop (or try to find a different CPA to partner with).  Wouldn't have the leg up that an existing firm would give me.

    3.  Go back to a more traditional bigger firm; more salary; less business development pressure

    4.  Accept the partnership offer, but sacrifice some harmony in my marriage.  


Is there anything I can say to my H that I haven't thought of?  I plan on giving him all the numbers on paper, showing him this is a real business with real profits and not just some douchebag.  I'm talking to my other career mentors as well.  Maybe if they give it their blessing, he will see its the real deal.  

Any advice?   Thanks in advance; and also sorry for the length.  

[Deleted]

If you have never given your husband a reason not to trust you, then I am reading between the lines that if it were HIM put in the same position, he couldn't be trusted.

He is insecure, immature and trying to control you. If you don't take this opportunity that means he wins. HE gets to call the shots. He is in power and will most likely take it to the next level and try to control more and more.

Trust me, I was you, I passed on many opportunities and now regret it. The only thing I acted on was dumping the controlling person in my life. I now am in control of my own destiny and have a wonderful supportive husband who is on my side 100% of the time.

[Deleted]

What was the slightly suggestive fb comment?

[orangeblossom]

The first incident with the phone would not make me suspicious in the least. The second incident, I'd have to know what it was that was said to give an answer as to suggestive tone. It sounds like your husband, for whatever reason, may be insecure about some things when it concerns this guy. Who knows, maybe he sees things you don't or actually saw something that would make him question potential partner's motives that he's never shared with you. Either way, I would think he would be able to articulate it rather than he's a douchebag who will never be impressive.

That said, I don't know if I would pass up this opportunity, but it also sounds like your DH will make your like hell while you do it. Hey may not say anything, but looks, sighs, etc anytime you talk about the job would get old quickly. I wouldn't want to have a job (short of it being a requirement that I couldn't talk about it for security reasons) where I couldn't say anything about it to my spouse.

This is tough, I think if it were up to me I might go with option 2 if this was the only major issue in your marriage. If he's acted this way about other guys or tried to be controlling in other ways, I'd do 4 and have a stern talk about controlling and what you will and will not put up with.

Good luck.

[mrshabious]

I would go for #2. If my DH had these concerns, I would hed them. For me, DH is not jealous or controling, so if it were a situation where he was expressing his concerns / uneasiness with a guy I am working with, I would do my best to respect his concerns.

[noodleoo]

Have you ever had a fleeting crush or any inappropriate thoughts about this guy? If you have EVER had even a tiny fleeting crush on him, then do not partner with him.

If you haven't ever thought about him that way (be honest), then maybe you can arrange to have dinner with him and your H so he can get to know him and see if he's matured. Just informal, tell your H you just want him to get to know him and see how he feels about him. If you are partnering with him, your H should be supportive. If he's uncomfortable, I would figure something else out. Your H is being honest that this may cause issues in your marriage. Whether his feelings are founded on anything or not, I'd take them seriously. You don't want to jeopardize your marriage when you have other options.

I'm curious what he posted on your FB too. Even if you never had feelings for him, if he did for you, it is still a questionable work environment. Is he single?

[jwright]

Jul 25, 2013 9:22:49 GMT -5 @missy1 said:

What was the slightly suggestive fb comment?

I posted pictures of my "for sale" sign in front of my old house.  Some random comment about selling the house and buying a new one.

Mentee commented and said "I just bought a new house too; I'll show you mine if you show me yours! *winky smiley thing*  Don't take it wrong Mr. Jwright".  

Mr. Jwright's name was incorrect in this post as well.

H's reaction "He just made a dick joke on your wall!"

[soozy87]

#2. I put my marriage before a job. If I put myself in your husband's shoes I would feel uncomfortabe as well.

[Deleted]

It sounds like your H needs to grow up. This is a good opportunity for you and your professional career should not be put on hold since your H thinks this guy might like you. He should be flattered that people find his wife sexy. He should be able to trust you to be professional and not have an affair. Crushes are innocent it is when you take action one crush that it is questionable.

[noodleoo]

Jul 25, 2013 9:31:56 GMT -5 jwright said:

Jul 25, 2013 9:22:49 GMT -5 @missy1 said:

What was the slightly suggestive fb comment?

I posted pictures of my "for sale" sign in front of my old house.  Some random comment about selling the house and buying a new one.

Mentee commented and said "I just bought a new house too; I'll show you mine if you show me yours! *winky smiley thing*  Don't take it wrong Mr. Jwright".  

Mr. Jwright's name was incorrect in this post as well.

H's reaction "He just made a dick joke on your wall!"

Yeah, that is pretty inappropriate! He wanted to make you blush.  And he mentioned your H but spelled his name wrong, probably on purpose. This is classic flirting..  I agree, he probably had a crush on you.  The question is whether he has grown up or not.  But I get why your H thinks he's a dirtbag.  That was so unprofessional. 

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2013 9:19:07 GMT -5 @susan3589 said:

If you have never given your husband a reason not to trust you, then I am reading between the lines that if it were HIM put in the same position, he couldn't be trusted.

He is insecure, immature and trying to control you. If you don't take this opportunity that means he wins. HE gets to call the shots. He is in power and will most likely take it to the next level and try to control more and more.

Trust me, I was you, I passed on many opportunities and now regret it. The only thing I acted on was dumping the controlling person in my life. I now am in control of my own destiny and have a wonderful supportive husband who is on my side 100% of the time.

I don't know that this is necessarily the case. My DH is a totally normal, non jealous person. Every now and and again he will randomly hate one of my male friends or acquaintances. It happens every few years. DH definitely does not try to control me in any way at all. Your DH has either established a controlling personality already or not.

I would suggest a visit to our therapist in this situation. But we have one we like and both enjoy going for occasional assistance.

And maybe this isn't the right partner, and you need to look for another opportunity. This certainly seems like there would be some other options that you can look for.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Deleted]

I'm torn here. Normally I am all for respecting H's instincts/feelings but I think he is way overreacting in this situation. Comments like that don't phase H and I at all (perhaps because we both have flirtatious personalities).

Even if he did have a crush on you way back when that was what 4-5 years ago? Feelings change, personalities change, it is possible he is in a relationship now. Plus no matter where you work there is the possibility that someone is going to want to "bang you". I would discuss more with H but I think partnering would be a great opportunity for you!

[RoxMonster]

I'm trying to put myself in your H's shoes. I think if a co-worker of his posted that on his FB wall, I would feel uncomfortable about it too. I trust my H completely and wouldn't even be really worried about him having an affair, but I still wouldn't be crazy about him constantly working closely with a girl that obviously has a crush on him and enjoys flirting with him.

If it was a HUGE business opportunity for him, the job he had always wanted to get, great pay and benefits, etc., I would probably tell him to go ahead and accept that position if he wanted it. I don't think it's a bad idea in that situation to do what a PP suggested and have the three of you go out for dinner or whatever. If I was the one with the flirty co-worker, I would make sure to always turn down social invitations OR if it's "about work," say something like, "Sure I'd love to go to dinner tomorrow night; my husband will join us."

It's a tough situation and I don't know 100% what I would do if I were in your shoes. If it would really bother my H, I would probably not do it. But if I was on the other side of things, I wouldn't want to stand in the way of a great career move for my H, so I am torn.

[lime]

I work in a male dominated profession, which is slowly integrating more women. In the 90s, I was often the only female in a room of 100+ men. I'm sure most of them wanted to "bang" me.

If this were me, I would want to take the best opportunity for my career, without sacrificing my marriage. So, I would take the partnership, but ask if the mentee (and his W? is he married?) could meet for brunch or dinner with you and H and talk about how he would see the business going and the potential clients, etc. (Don't mention a FB post from years ago.) Just meeting the guy and seeing him not being creepy might sway your H a bit that this could be a functional partnership.

I'll also say that I am rather biased here in that H and I put a lot into our careers and I trust H completely. So, even if a woman had openly told H she wanted to have sex with him, I'd still be ok with him working with her as long as he made his lack of interest clear. I realize this is probably not going to be the norm.

[jwright]

Jul 25, 2013 9:41:08 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

I'm torn here. Normally I am all for respecting H's instincts/feelings but I think he is way overreacting in this situation. Comments like that don't phase H and I at all (perhaps because we both have flirtatious personalities).

Even if he did have a crush on you way back when that was what 4-5 years ago? Feelings change, personalities change, it is possible he is in a relationship now. Plus no matter where you work there is the possibility that someone is going to want to "bang you". I would discuss more with H but I think partnering would be a great opportunity for you!

This is where I am too.  I have other male friends that my H does not have a problem with.  Most of the people I network with are financial advisors, lawyers and bankers.  90% of them are male because that seems to be the demographic of those industries around here.  He doesn't have a problem with them.  It is just this one guy.  Which makes me think I should respect his opinion.

But I don't want to!  I'm really fired up about the opportunity.  I will be a partner, will make more money, be able to do better business development because of my identity as a partner in this firm.  

I fully admit that Mentee was immature when he started working at my old firm.  But he was 23 and right out of school.  We actually talked about it several times in mentoring sessions.  I don't think he had a crush on me, but we worked closely together for about a year and a half.  When I talk with him now, I see such a change in him.  And his client list is very impressive.  It speaks for itself.  I don't think these business and community leaders would be paying him thousands of dollars if he hadn't grown up.  My H does not want to hear about his transformation though; he just shuts down.

My plan for now is to talk to my old boss who also knows Mentee (and refers work to him!), my financial advisor, and my father.  I'm going to get all the numbers on paper.  I'm going to bring it all to H and then ask if he is willing to sit down with me and mentee and see if his opinion has changed at all.

[jwright]

And I didn't think the FB comment was a big deal at all. Stupid with a little funny. We hadn't worked together in over two years at that point. I was shocked that H was so mad about it.

And I don't think the incorrect name was an intentional slight. I wasn't married when we worked together; H does not have a FB account. There's really not a reason Mentee would know the name well. It was a mistake along the lines of Brian vs. Ryan.

[orangeblossom]

I hate to be that person, but this is why I have very few coworkers that are FB friends while I am working with them. Once, I or they leave, then we can be FB friends.

It's not so much them putting potential suggestive things on there, but them knowing more than they should as a coworker. I've had plenty of close friends at work, and where I currently live that's who most of my friends are, but very few were FB friends before I left. It's just not something I want to mix.

I'm not saying you're wrong or others are, but for me being FB friends with coworkers isn't always the best choice.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2013 9:31:56 GMT -5 jwright said:

Jul 25, 2013 9:22:49 GMT -5 @missy1 said:

What was the slightly suggestive fb comment?

I posted pictures of my "for sale" sign in front of my old house.  Some random comment about selling the house and buying a new one.

Mentee commented and said "I just bought a new house too; I'll show you mine if you show me yours! *winky smiley thing*  Don't take it wrong Mr. Jwright".  

Mr. Jwright's name was incorrect in this post as well.

H's reaction "He just made a dick joke on your wall!"

Ok clearly your H should not be jealous if this is all the game that guy has...lol. I really think it was just a lame ass joke. He does kind of sound like a db like your H said since he posted it on fb where lots of people can see his comment.

I would work with but wouldn't be business partners with someone my H didn't like. There are only 4 people there so you will be spending a lot of time together. He obviously has an issue with boundaries. I really wouldn't want to work with only 3 other people and your option 3 appeals to me anyways though.

[jwright]

Jul 25, 2013 9:57:27 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I hate to be that person, but this is why I have very few coworkers that are FB friends while I am working with them. Once, I or they leave, then we can be FB friends.

It's not so much them putting potential suggestive things on there, but them knowing more than they should as a coworker. I've had plenty of close friends at work, and where I currently live that's who most of my friends are, but very few were FB friends before I left. It's just not something I want to mix.

I'm not saying you're wrong or others are, but for me being FB friends with coworkers isn't always the best choice.

He was not a coworker at that point and I was not FB friends with him while we worked together.  

[emilyinchile]

Jul 25, 2013 9:50:12 GMT -5 jwright said:

My plan for now is to talk to my old boss who also knows Mentee (and refers work to him!), my financial advisor, and my father.  I'm going to get all the numbers on paper.  I'm going to bring it all to H and then ask if he is willing to sit down with me and mentee and see if his opinion has changed at all.

This sounds like a good plan to me.

I think your H is overreacting - I agree the FB comment is nbd and just joking around - and being irrational, but I also wouldn't take the partnership if he stays this set against it. It sucks, but I just don't think that would be good for your marriage.

[noodleoo]

Jul 25, 2013 9:53:47 GMT -5 jwright said:

And I didn't think the FB comment was a big deal at all. Stupid with a little funny. We hadn't worked together in over two years at that point. I was shocked that H was so mad about it.

And I don't think the incorrect name was an intentional slight. I wasn't married when we worked together; H does not have a FB account. There's really not a reason Mentee would know the name well. It was a mistake along the lines of Brian vs. Ryan.

You never answered my question about whether you had any feelings for this guy.  Just curious. 

[Deleted]

Yeah, this whole situation is stupid. Your H is being really silly about this. What difference would it make if he had a crush on you anyway? Doesn't your H trust YOU? Nothing can happen unless you're willing, KWIM?

That said, I wouldn't want to work with someone who had a crush on me anyway, but just because it could be uncomfortable.

I wonder if the real issue is just that this mentee seemed kind of immature or like a douche when your H knew him. Maybe he's thinking that he doesn't want a portion of his HHI tied to someone who comes off as being irresponsible or a jerk or whatever. I think the idea to show him the numbers and to have dinner with the mentee AND your H is a good one. If he doesn't change his tune after that, he's going to have to give a better excuse than "he may have had a crush on you years ago".

The facebook comment was silly too, and I don't think it was suggestive of a crush at all. Mildly inappropriate? Sure. But it just as likely meant he's got a stupid sense of humor and thought he was just being funny. I wouldn't think twice about it.

[jwright]

Jul 25, 2013 9:59:28 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

Jul 25, 2013 9:53:47 GMT -5 jwright said:

And I didn't think the FB comment was a big deal at all. Stupid with a little funny. We hadn't worked together in over two years at that point. I was shocked that H was so mad about it.

And I don't think the incorrect name was an intentional slight. I wasn't married when we worked together; H does not have a FB account. There's really not a reason Mentee would know the name well. It was a mistake along the lines of Brian vs. Ryan.

You never answered my question about whether you had any feelings for this guy.  Just curious. 

Absolutely not.

I have had feelings for someone at work before (way before I started dating my H), and this was not that situation AT ALL.

[orangeblossom]

Jul 25, 2013 9:59:08 GMT -5 jwright said:

Jul 25, 2013 9:57:27 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

I hate to be that person, but this is why I have very few coworkers that are FB friends while I am working with them. Once, I or they leave, then we can be FB friends.

It's not so much them putting potential suggestive things on there, but them knowing more than they should as a coworker. I've had plenty of close friends at work, and where I currently live that's who most of my friends are, but very few were FB friends before I left. It's just not something I want to mix.

I'm not saying you're wrong or others are, but for me being FB friends with coworkers isn't always the best choice.

He was not a coworker at that point and I was not FB friends with him while we worked together.  

Ah, I see, I stand corrected. 

[bostonmichelle]

So my 2 cents is that I work at a small CPA firm, just me and one other guy year-round with some seasonal staff. I would definitely think twice about working here if my DH thought the other guy had feelings for me. It would make a stressful job even more stressful if DH was not 100% supportive. I think you need to go thru the numbers and talk to DH, if he is going to be pissing and moaning about every time you bring him up in conversation that is not healthy for your marriage. If your DH can't get past that point then you need to really think about making your own firm or consider that it may create a sore spot in your relationship with your DH.

[jackie011]

I'm going to bring it all to H and then ask if he is willing to sit down with me and mentee and see if his opinion has changed at all.

I was going to suggest that you all sit down together and plan out the partnership.  I'm not 100% sure how this works, exactly, but wouldn't DH have a vested interest in this partnership?  He could be there under the guise of making sure all of the Ts are crossed and Is are dotted, KWIM? 

My gut feeling is that the mentee was young and dumb when he made those comments.  Your H has let it fester for 5 years and now the whole thing is coming back.  While you cannot completely discount your H's feelings, I think he should also give the guy some credit for growing up and starting a profitable business within the past 5 years. 

 

[Deleted]

Unless there's more to this story, your husband is WAY overreacting. The phone thing and the Facebook thing were completely innocuous.

[phunluvin82]

Jul 25, 2013 9:41:08 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

I'm torn here. Normally I am all for respecting H's instincts/feelings but I think he is way overreacting in this situation. Comments like that don't phase H and I at all (perhaps because we both have flirtatious personalities).

Even if he did have a crush on you way back when that was what 4-5 years ago? Feelings change, personalities change, it is possible he is in a relationship now. Plus no matter where you work there is the possibility that someone is going to want to "bang you". I would discuss more with H but I think partnering would be a great opportunity for you!

ITA.  The interactions you've described...I really don't think me or my H would give either of those a 2nd thought TBH.  Everyone is different though, but, if I'm reading correctly, your H met this guy ONE TIME, briefly, when he brought your phone to you at your own request?  And one FB comment?  Has there ever been any other interaction between them? 


If that was the extent of your H's experience with this guy and you've never given him any reasons not to trust you, then I think you're H is kind of coming off as a dick here.


IDK, while I understand the other side of the coin...bottom line you either trust me not to 'bang' my partner or you don't.  I will admit I am hyper sensitive to jealousy in the sense that I find it very unattractive.  If my H ever tried to put his foot down in my career like that, he'd better have a damn good reason...like this guy sent me a dick pick or made a clear pass at me or something.  In which case, I'd obviously put the foot down myself and therefore it'd be moot, I guess.

[aspentosh]

Jul 25, 2013 9:41:08 GMT -5 @kjewell said:

I'm torn here. Normally I am all for respecting H's instincts/feelings but I think he is way overreacting in this situation. Comments like that don't phase H and I at all (perhaps because we both have flirtatious personalities).

Even if he did have a crush on you way back when that was what 4-5 years ago? Feelings change, personalities change, it is possible he is in a relationship now. Plus no matter where you work there is the possibility that someone is going to want to "bang you". I would discuss more with H but I think partnering would be a great opportunity for you!

This is where I'm at. I don't see either of those scenarios as being bad. FB comment was just silly and the phone thing is a non-issue. 

But also- this was years ago. If you have no feelings for him, I don't think there is an issue at all.

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2013 10:07:45 GMT -5 v said:

Unless there's more to this story, your husband is WAY overreacting. The phone thing and the Facebook thing were completely innocuous.

Exactly.

And when was this FB comment made?  We're talking a couple of years, right?

FWIW, much like fart jokes, dick jokes are ALWAYS funny.