You are going to ask your husband to meet with this guy to do what? Whip out their dicks and see whose is longer? Will he give your hickeys on your first day, too?
Post by nonsenseabound on Jul 25, 2013 14:50:00 GMT -5
Team overreacting DH.
I'm trying to see it from your DH's POV. I might be annoyed at the comment but unless this guy was constantly texting or calling or I felt that we were insecure in our relationship, then I would be fine. The phone thing is REALLY NBD. Now, I'd be more concerned if there were a lot of little comments made about how you look or how lucky your husband was, etc etc.
Would your DH pass on a great opportunity if you felt uncomfortable with a lady he would work with?
Post by bohemianmango on Jul 25, 2013 15:57:22 GMT -5
Your husband is overreacting and is not giving you enough credit. It sounds like your mentee respects you as a colleague in the field. Unless he really doesn't care for his business, why would he risk it all for someone he's been pining for? I think it's safe to say he thinks you would be an asset for this business and only in a respectable way.
I read the background and fb post to my husband and he says that I flirt that much at work on a daily basis. And he's not wrong--it's part of the job in sales.
You are going to ask your husband to meet with this guy to do what? Whip out their dicks and see whose is longer? Will he give your hickeys on your first day, too?
That is some fucked up degrading shit.
Well, now spenjamins isn't ever going to get to work with OP either.
OP, let me guess, your DH doesn't laugh at old Bugs Bunny cartoons either, does he? A lawyer? How the fuck did he get through law school? Why the fuck do you want to stay married t someone that doesn't trust you? And doesn't even have a good sense of humor?
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
Do people really go out of their way to plan "dates" for their spouse to meet their coworker? I can understand over time that they'd hang out in a variety of scenarios, but to set up a specific meeting so your spouse can meet your coworker seems odd to me. How would you even phrase that to the coworker? Especially since this coworker has already met OP's H previously.
I guess I don't know what's normal, but I would think this is a little different than your typical coworker situation. She'd be a business partner in a new business. I think it's different than just getting a new job at a regular company. This is something where she'd be taking a big financial risk and I think all parties affected (including a spouse) would be likely to socialize regularly.
I think she could say "My H isn't quite sure about this opportunity and would like to get to know you a little better and hear more from you about how things are going before I make a decision. Would you like to meet us for dinner so we can all discuss?"
Really, I think this whole situation is stupid and her H is being ridiculous. But I think it would be even more ridiculous to pass on this opportunity because he's jealous for no reason. This is a possible way to end the silliness and let him see he has nothing to worry about.
Post by bryantpark on Jul 25, 2013 19:04:24 GMT -5
I tried to read all responses so maybe this was already said - is your H successful in his own career? To me, it sounds like he's jealous of the mentee's career success and feels threatened that he won't be able to keep up. Especially since you seem to be gushing about the transformation this guy has made.
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
Do people really go out of their way to plan "dates" for their spouse to meet their coworker? I can understand over time that they'd hang out in a variety of scenarios, but to set up a specific meeting so your spouse can meet your coworker seems odd to me. How would you even phrase that to the coworker? Especially since this coworker has already met OP's H previously.
. If I was interviewing someone who had to have their husband OK me over dinner to make sure I did not want to get in her pants, I would rescind the offer. Immature and totally unprofessional. I am flabbergasted that anyone would think it was a good idea.
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
Do people really go out of their way to plan "dates" for their spouse to meet their coworker? I can understand over time that they'd hang out in a variety of scenarios, but to set up a specific meeting so your spouse can meet your coworker seems odd to me. How would you even phrase that to the coworker? Especially since this coworker has already met OP's H previously.
To meet a co-worker, no. To meet a business partner, yes.
This isn't simply taking a job, this is a huge decision that will affect the finances of their marriage. I view this as making an investment. If I were going to put substantial amounts of time, money and effort into something, I would assume that my spouse would want to hear a bit about the business plan and finances.
Except that is not why they want the mentee to come to dinner. If she is not capable of understanding and relaying the information then she should ask a third party to go over the contract.
Do people really go out of their way to plan "dates" for their spouse to meet their coworker? I can understand over time that they'd hang out in a variety of scenarios, but to set up a specific meeting so your spouse can meet your coworker seems odd to me. How would you even phrase that to the coworker? Especially since this coworker has already met OP's H previously.
. If I was interviewing someone who had to have their husband OK me over dinner to make sure I did not want to get in her pants, I would rescind the offer. Immature and totally unprofessional. I am flabbergasted that anyone would think it was a good idea.
Clearly, the advice was to tell the guy "my husband is afraid you want to sleep with me, can we all have dinner so he can find out you don't and give me permission to take this job?"
Do people really go out of their way to plan "dates" for their spouse to meet their coworker? I can understand over time that they'd hang out in a variety of scenarios, but to set up a specific meeting so your spouse can meet your coworker seems odd to me. How would you even phrase that to the coworker? Especially since this coworker has already met OP's H previously.
To meet a co-worker, no. To meet a business partner, yes.
This isn't simply taking a job, this is a huge decision that will affect the finances of their marriage. I view this as making an investment. If I were going to put substantial amounts of time, money and effort into something, I would assume that my spouse would want to hear a bit about the business plan and finances.
Totally agree with this - this is not just a random job offer this is a much bigger deal.
I tried to read all responses so maybe this was already said - is your H successful in his own career? To me, it sounds like he's jealous of the mentee's career success and feels threatened that he won't be able to keep up. Especially since you seem to be gushing about the transformation this guy has made.
Or could it be that he's jealous of your career success because this would make you a business owner. Maybe you are/will be the breadwinner - i have no idea what your situation is.
Except that is not why they want the mentee to come to dinner. If she is not capable of understanding and relaying the information then she should ask a third party to go over the contract.
It's a people business too though, her success is tied to his success - so wanting DH to bless the guy's character is within reason. Though I agree he's being immature.
I would not personally have a problem with anything that you described your mentee doing. However, you've said that your H doesn't act this way with most people, and he can even be civil with your ex, whereas he "shuts down" when it comes to this guy. Ideally your H would just trust you, but if this is a rare reaction for him, I'd try to see if he's seeing something you don't. Either way, you're already married to your H, so prioritizing your marriage sounds like a good idea.
To meet a co-worker, no. To meet a business partner, yes.
This isn't simply taking a job, this is a huge decision that will affect the finances of their marriage. I view this as making an investment. If I were going to put substantial amounts of time, money and effort into something, I would assume that my spouse would want to hear a bit about the business plan and finances.
But why can't she just relay this information to him? Obviously he should know about the business plan and finances but I don't think this needs to involve a face to face meeting with the business partner to help OPs insecure husband feel a little bit better.
Ok I've never worked in a business type setting like this so I don't know how making partner in a law firm or CPA or any other type of firm works. However, I've been around this board for awhile and I don't recall a husband ever asking his wife to join her to meet a business partner in a similar fashion.
This would be pretty common for my industry for someone joining a in a senior role. I know for sure if I were opening a business with someone and taking on risk for my family I would make sure DH was very comfortable with the person. There have been way too many scandals out there to take anyone's ethics at face value.
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
The trouble I see here is that we (and I include myself here!) tend to find what we're looking for. If the H is convinced that the mentee has a thing for his wife, he's going to see that no matter what happens, I think.
This would be pretty common for my industry for someone joining a in a senior role. I know for sure if I were opening a business with someone and taking on risk for my family I would make sure DH was very comfortable with the person. There have been way too many scandals out there to take anyone's ethics at face value.
I guess I think that's weird lol. If 2 people are gonna cheat, I don't think anything will get in their way!
You mean cheat on or cheat at business? Red flags about a person's character can fade into the background when you are excited about an opportunity and you only see what you want to see. Taking her H's immaturity out of it, opening a business and going into a partnership with 1 other person is a pretty big deal and a huge leap of faith that I would never take lightly.
So hypothetically, if you were going to open a medical practice with someone wouldn't you want your h to be on board? Knowing that at any time the company (and therefore you as an owner) could be sued for malpractice, insurance fraud, who knows what - putting your career and financial future at risk? Maybe her H is on to something, who knows, but if he doesn't get comfortable now, I certainly wouldn't want him nagging after me after signing on the dotted line.
EDIT - I should that I work for a giant partnership - and 1 partner's divorce proceedings nearly threatened to take down the whole operation - and we have about 120 partners. It was quite a high profile event that made the press and many of the court proceedings were available on the internet. Details of the partnership were out there for all of our clients to see and it was a bit of a PR nightmare and a huge running internal joke among my coworkers - intimate details of compensation structure, rules of the partnership - everything that my firm holds very close to the vest were exposed b/c this crazy woman wanted to basically take her ex-husbands share of the partnership. That was one person threatening to wreck it all for a business that has been around since he depression.
bryantpark You asked "So hypothetically, if you were going to open a medical practice with someone wouldn't you want your h to be on board?"
I think you must be confusing what I'm saying. Of course my answer is yes to that question. I never said anything about thinking her H should be on board or not understand the business plan and finances. I don't think any of us are saying that.
I (along with a few other posters) was specifically addressing the suggestion of setting up a meeting so OPs H can meet the business partner. From what I read the OPs H has no problems with finances or whatever with the business plan, he has problems with the business partner doing a favor for the OP (bringing her her cell phone) and having supposedly questionable humor. That has absolutely nothing to do with him concerned about finances and the like. I meant cheat on each other as in have sex because that's what OPs H seems to have concerns about.
I get that the cell phone and FB post is silly, but taking the immaturity of that aside, I am just pointing out that those two things for some reason (I guess sex) are leading her H to question him as a person - which is really his motives/character/ethics - and those things are just as important as her H being on board with the finances if you are going into a partnership with 1 other person. I'm trying to give him some benefit of doubt - maybe he sees something that she can't because she is too excited about the opportunity?
bryantpark You asked "So hypothetically, if you were going to open a medical practice with someone wouldn't you want your h to be on board?"
I think you must be confusing what I'm saying. Of course my answer is yes to that question. I never said anything about thinking her H should be on board or not understand the business plan and finances. I don't think any of us are saying that.
I (along with a few other posters) was specifically addressing the suggestion of setting up a meeting so OPs H can meet the business partner. From what I read the OPs H has no problems with finances or whatever with the business plan, he has problems with the business partner doing a favor for the OP (bringing her her cell phone) and having supposedly questionable humor. That has absolutely nothing to do with him concerned about finances and the like. I meant cheat on each other as in have sex because that's what OPs H seems to have concerns about.
The point of meeting is less about the past issues and more that he H thinks mentee is a loser douche based on few interactions with him. If he really has matured as OP says and he's successful and professional, I'm assuming that will come through in a dinner type meeting. And yes, if she's going into a one onone partnership with this guy, this is very different than having your H approve of a job offer. Those that don't get that don't really understand the type of business arrangement OP is talking about.
Is there some reason you are discussing this with your Dad? If he thinks it's a great idea and then finds out it effected your marriage he will feel responsible. You need to work this out with your DH and leave him out of it. One thing is you are going to be equal partners with someone you were superior to in another job, sometimes that is awkward. What has stopped you from being your own boss? Your DH sounds unreasonable, but hey if you think it isn't worth risking your marriage then stop contemplating the partnership. You know if there are other red flags.
Hmm. I'm pretty sure that if the roles were reversed and your dh wanted to go into business with someone who posted flirtatious things on FB last year, we would all be telling you to trust your instincts and not let it happen.
Whether its legit or not (re the guy) your dh is extremely uncomfortable with this arrangement. He has said that clearly, trust that he feels it and it isn't going to just go away because you think this is a good plan. There is no way you can do this without it having a serious negative impact on your marriage.
I thought the three of them were going to meet up - OP, her H, and her potential partner. Have dinner together, get to know each other, let the mentee tell her H about how great things are going at work and how much he'd love to have OP on board. Make the OP's husband see that the guy is normal, friendly, non-douchey, and that everyone can hang out without any reason to be jealous.
Yes?
I don't really see an issue with that. If OP is considering going into a business partnership with this guy, it only makes sense that her H would get to know him eventually anyway. It doesn't have to be "talking about business" or a competition, just a way of taking some of the mystery out of the OP/mentee relationship. Isn't it normal for your business partner to know your spouse and socialize a bit? I can't imagine working that closely with someone that my spouse didn't get to know a bit anyway, regardless of the current concerns.
The trouble I see here is that we (and I include myself here!) tend to find what we're looking for. If the H is convinced that the mentee has a thing for his wife, he's going to see that no matter what happens, I think.
This is why right now their getting together for dinner is a BAD IDEA. Her DH won't discuss this, he isn't open to hearing how this guy has grown. He shuts down.
This is why she actually needs to be PISSED at her DH that he clearly doesn't trust her or her judgement. IF they go forward with this dinner, her DH has to go into it w/ an open mind. He's not there yet!! And right now, all he'll do is nit-pick this guy to death. "When you passed the bread, he looked at you in the eyes. HE WANTS TO BANG YOU!!!!!". "He could have sat across the table from you, but instead he sat next to you. HE WANTS TO BANG YOU!!!!".
Her DH won't be rational about it. I'm positive of this.
I'm not saying she should definitely pursue this opportunity. But for all this talk about how if she doesn't do what her DH wants, it will affect their marriage, it goes the other way too. If she walks away now, because of her DH irrational insecurities, I think SHE'LL be the one to be really upset w/ him and if this business takes off and she sees 'what could of been', she'll be angry at her DH.
If her DH gets his head out of his a$$, is willing to give this guy a chance, meets with him, then walks away and still stands by not liking this- but can more rationally explain his issues and concerns, if THEN she says "no" to the business - I see less resentment on her end if the business takes off.
Have you ever asked your H if mentee did/said anything behind your back? Like if he (mentee) made comments to him (your H) about feelings for you, thoughts about you/your looks, etc. Maybe your H didn't tell you something was said because you worked together and he didn't want there to be a work issue, but now that you could be working closely it's a problem.
That is the only thing that makes his response seem normal.
I've already stated several times that my H's problem is really only with this particular guy. He would have laughed off the dick joke from anyone else. He makes more than his fair share of dick jokes; we spend a lot of time going out with friends and he is the funny guy. We've known each other for 17 years and never had a conflict like this before. He just thinks Mentee is a douche and doesn't like him. I don't know if he'd be able to articulate concrete reasons for that. I've felt the same way about people at various points in my life I don't think it is all that unusual. He also thinks he "wants to bang me". I'm pretty certain H would even be okay with a partnership with a different dude; just not this guy.
The point of getting the two of them together; would be to allow H to see what I am seeing. If you had told me four years ago that I would be having these types of discussions with Mentee; I would have laughed. I complained about having to train him at my old firm. I told Mentee the same thing. I need H at least somewhat on board because we are going to be joint business owners, potentially joint property owners as well. I can't just throw a financial statement at him; he's not a numbers person. I haven't had the time draw up everything related to the venture. And without an operating agreement in place, I don't have all of the information to give. I'd like H's input to the operating agreement particularly in the areas of succession planning and exit strategies. If after, a rational discussion, he doesn't come around, yes I will be PISSED. But again, I'd rather be unhappy at my job then unhappy with my marriage.
At this point, Mentee's book of business is 4-5x mine. Sure I could start my own firm, but I'd be years behind where I could be in this situation. If I started a firm next year, I think I could break even or make a small profit. In this venture, I could make more than I am currently making next year. And the best way to grow a business is referrals from existing clients - I'm expanding my networking base by 5x!
I'm not sure what the point of this post is; I've shared my plan going forward and it will happen over the next couple of weeks. I set an appointment with my financial advisor next Wednesday. Just want to attempt to clear things up - which I don't think I have done at all.