I guess I kind of look at it the same as the "everyone is a winner" phenomenon we have with kids now where we praise 15th place. At some point how does one know to strive for more, when they are getting the praise as if they were already doing that stuff?
I get this, but I also think adults can make the distinction better than developing kids. I'm better at quickly cleaning up the kitchen than MrP, so he'll often say "thanks for being a rock star" when I do it. I know that filling up the dishwasher doesn't actually make me Mick Jagger, but it's nice to know that he noticed.
I think whether they can make the distinction depends on if they are actually aware of how much they are or are not contributing. Giving a pat on the back to someone who changes one diaper and wants a parade in his honor but doesn't know how to give a bath, what time his kids eat, how to make a bottle, etc. seems like an empty thanks.
The resentment/keeping score thing is definitely something I personally have worked on for the past 4.5 years since DD1 was born. When she was about 18 months old I had a complete meltdown of sorts with DH over "I do everything". Now in the first year of her life the pendulum DID skew my way of sorts (colicky, spirited baby + DH who was traveling M-Th and working on his MBA in his "spare" time). It kind of bubbled up to the surface and the result was not pretty. At that moment we had been together almost 15 years (married for about 7 of them) and that was probably our worst fight ever. I'm glad it happened as a lot of the feelings of "resentment" were discussed from both of our sides, and it made me realize that keeping score/grudges/tally really wasn't healthy from any angle. Since then, and especially since DS has been born (he's now 18 months) I feel like there is effort made from both of us to keep that resentment line of communication open. Sometimes I feel like I am doing everything but then I remember everything that I am NOT doing that keeps this family functioning and it helps to keep in perspective that we ALL have a lot on our plate. The things that I feel that are important to me as a parent I focus on, and DH actively supports my causes. Yes, there are some times when I would have done something different or parented a different way, but for me it's best to just let it go...
We don't do all the thank yous all the time thing but I will do a thank you when I am really appreciative of something he did/supported that I know what out of his comfort zone or was inconvenient. Like yesterday, we met up with a friend and her 2 little kids at a farm for berry picking. It was hot, kids were getting cranky after about 30 mins, but we wanted to continue to pick to get a good amount of berries and such to make the trip worthwhile. DH volunteered to keep 4 kids under the age of 5 corralled in one air conditioned running parked SUV for about an hour while friend and I picked and chatted etc. Her DH didn't go because "he didn't want to"... I thanked DH because even though there were a million of places that he'd rather be on a Sunday morning, he didn't put up any fight about going because he knows it's something that I like to do and want to do with our kids, and appreciates how difficult it would be to do by myself.
I guess I kind of look at it the same as the "everyone is a winner" phenomenon we have with kids now where we praise 15th place. At some point how does one know to strive for more, when they are getting the praise as if they were already doing that stuff?
I'm better at quickly cleaning up the kitchen than MrP, so he'll often say "thanks for being a rock star" when I do it. I know that filling up the dishwasher doesn't actually make me Mick Jagger, but it's nice to know that he noticed.
Makes you more like Dave Grohl, only tidier and with better music.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Jun 25, 2012 19:19:48 GMT -5
I can totally see what the article is getting at in my own marriage.
DH is just bad at babies. He is ok with toddlers, and fairly good with DS (4.5). But he grew up with a crap male role model, who was only ever around EOW, and he really does need to be taught how to be a father. He doesn't know how to do it automatically. It drives me crazy, bc I think he should just "see" what needs to be done.
Part of it for him is laziness- he sits on the couch and tells the kids to do stuff. Right, that works real well. Part of it is lack of ability to multitask- he can't get the dishes done while managing the kids getting shoes and clothes on, etc. Those are just inherent things. But most of it is just having no freaking clue what it is he should be doing. He is very smart at some things, but child-rearing is not one of his strengths. I didn't know that until we had a kid. Tonight, for example, I had taken DS to swim lessons while he and DD played and sort-of did the dishes. We got home and he asked if it was ok with me if he went on a walk. I reminded him that it was fine with me but that then he would literally not have seen DS at all today since he would be in bed by the time DH got back. Once I pointed that out, he decided to stay home and he and DS played, but its like DUDE why did I have to point out this obvious thing to you? Why didn't you figure this out yourself? Imagine that time a million, every day. It gets old fast, no matter how well-intentioned he may be.
He has gotten loads better, and he accepts criticism/advice very well. But if I go somewhere and he is alone with the kids, maybe half of what I would have gotten done, gets done, both in terms of household management, and kids activities. I have to just let it go bc it is never going to change dramatically. We just keep slowly working on getting closer to even.
I saw someone say recently that the difference between a new mom and a new dad is the mom doesn't have someone over her shoulder judging every move.
That was me. This was advice given to me when I was bitching about the way DH was giving the baby a bath. My friend, a mother of 3 who were MS or older at that point, basically looked me in the eye and said that and it immediately sunk deeeeep down. It was the best advice I was ever given and is the reason why when I go on my annual girls' trip, I am the only one who doesn;t have to leave my husband as much as a note about what to do for the boys. I should really send that friend some flowers...
I love that statement - such a great way to say it. I was the first of my friends to have kids, and whenever they've asked me for advice before their kids were born, I tell them to let their husbands do it their way without criticism and during maternity leave have something that is always the dad's job when they are home. MH's was always (and still is) bathtime. It's just his time to be with the kids and be silly... it was a good confidence builder for him with Jackson since he had never been around babies.
No one ever told that to me (about criticism), but my SIL had a baby 6-7m before I had Jackson and I was around them when my nephew was a few months old. And she was just such.a.shrew. I was so put off by it I didn't want to be like that, so I always just bit my tongue.*
*except for the one time when Jackson was ~1m old and my husband was going to strap him to the changing table to sleep b/c he'd barfed all over 3 sets of sheets in his crib... I intervened then. And he will never, ever live that down. EVER!