Well, I suppose she should have spoken up in the beginning here.
That's what I was thinking too. And hey, if he isn't ok with being the sole breadwinner anymore, that's ok too. But they should have just communicated properly.
I would love to be able to take a $300k / year paycut and still be getting a paycheck.
1) She should have spoke up to begin with 2) She might want to start speaking up about things before it actually happens 3) She might want to start looking in to jobs.
Post by snipsnsnails on Jun 26, 2012 13:02:57 GMT -5
Did she not realize there would be a downgrade when she gave the go ahead to pursue?
Am I just extra ornery lately? I read this and thought, "Well, she didn't want to be a dream crusher. But when it comes to a $300,000 paycut, she's feels like she has to be?"
Maybe he hated his job. Maybe he wanted more balance.
I lived through a similar experience. DH HATED his job as an attorney, and because of it, he went through a period of depression and really didn't know "how" to get out of it.
So - he crashed and burned. Lost his job, was a tutor for about a year and a 1/2 and now works on a tugboat and is working his way up to becoming a captain. he LOVES what he does now.
It was a HUGE lifestyle change on many fronts for us. $$ was the huge hit at first. Combined, we're still making less than what he was making on his own as an attorney. And now it's his schedule. He works 2 weeks on/ 2 off.
At the time this all went down, it was shocking. But then we actually ended up having DS while DH was only tutoring (and made less than $12k that year), and while we aren't living as nicely as we did - we still have a decent life.
Honestly - because of what we went through, I STRONGLY believe that if you aren't happy, no matter how much you THINK you need your salary, there are choices out there and there are ways to change your life.
I think there are also better ways of navigating this change than how floyd's friend is handling it or my DH handled it, but I also think that the concept of the golden handcuff's is very, VERY hard to walk away from. To the point it affects how you handle the entire situaiton.
Were they planning for her to SAH long-term, or was the plan for her to go back to work at some point, like when the kids are in school? If it's the latter, it's not such a huge deal to move up their timetable. If it's the former, she really should have said something sooner.
Did she not realize there would be a downgrade when she gave the go ahead to pursue?
Am I just extra ornery lately? I read this and thought, "Well, she didn't want to be a dream crusher. But when it comes to a $300,000 paycut, she's feels like she has to be?"
I think it was kind of like this:
H - "I just really want to look into it. It's probably never going to happen but I'm not going to be happy if I don't at least explore the opportunity."
W - "I really, really, really, really, really don't like the idea. but I can't see it being a reality - so fine."
H - "great. thanks. I love you. you're awesome. I'm going to make some calls."
And is his plan she finds a job that will make up the $300K difference? Because even if she were actively practicing law that seems like a nearly impossible job to find. So hopefully they were just saving $300K a year? Or that's discretionary spending money and not actually needed for bills?
Do either of have a plan between crushing his dream and her finding a job right now?
I'm pretty shocked at these responses. Even if I applied for a job and got it- even if it were a long shot, there would be some sort of "can we do this? Can I follow this path?" talk with my SO, not just a "Looks like you are going to have to get a job buddy! Sorry!"
The only thing I can think of is politics, and if that is it, I understand it a bit more on her, but that is a huge sacrifice for the family- not just with the money. But, I think you've said that you have someone close to you running for office, so if this is the couple, then it is probably a little more on her.
I need to know whether the salary cut was discussed before he took the job. That's a big change, but if they both agreed to it, then she should've expected a lifestyle change.
Were they planning for her to SAH long-term, or was the plan for her to go back to work at some point, like when the kids are in school? If it's the latter, it's not such a huge deal to move up their timetable. If it's the former, she really should have said something sooner.
I don't know the answer to this. I agree with you though.
I just don't understand how a couple can make that kind of decision (I know the decision isn't really made, but he apparently thinks it is) without a detailed plan and budget. But that's probably the accountant married to an accountant in me speaking.
Post by lissaholly on Jun 26, 2012 13:12:40 GMT -5
My first thought is: if a surgeon really wants to change careers, let him. It seems like too serious of a profession to just suck it up and keep at it. As a patient, that thought horrifies me.
My second thought is: if she okayed him pursuing this, she should have been matching his steps and figuring things out before he got it.