I hope this post isn't held against me in the future, if it is, so be it I guess.
After reading Karmas post yesterday, I'm pretty certain I am in an emotionally (mentally?) abusive relationship. Yesterday wasn't the first time I had this thought. I've actually told my therapist before that I feel like we're stuck in the cycle of domestic violence.
My H (whom I think many of you don't like anyway) says horrible things to me when he is angry or when we are fighting. He later apologies and says he's sorry and that it won't happen again. Rinse and repeat with a side of how everything is all my fault.
Just the other day, I started a "journal" of sorts about these instances and plan to faithfully keep it up until the end of the year. That way I have a record of all the stuff that happens so maybe in a few months I'll be able to look back at it logically and say "WTF am I still here" or "ok, it's really not that bad".
I'm at a loss for what to do. I've told him in the past that I think he's being "abusive" but he rolls his eyes and tells me that he doesn't hit me, so there is no problem.
I know all of you are going to tell me that I'm stupid if I stay, but leaving is hard, esp. since if you knew us IRL I doubt anyone suspects there is anything wrong.
Oh, and I had my mammogram yesterday. Fucker didn't even say one WORD about it until 3 hours after I got home and said "you know, I'm surprised you haven't asked about this yet".
I'm sorry, Ali. I think the journal is a good idea, but i do want to say don't stay simply because people would be surprised. They are not in your marriage and they do not know what goes on behind closed doors, only you do. Only you will know if this becomes a situation that is simply not something that you can live with anymore, feel can be worked out, etc.
My BFF is basically going through the same thing. She spent months documenting everything her husband said to her. She made Pro & Con lists for leaving him.
Finally, she came out of a fog and realized that she is a strong woman and can do it on her own, and she's in the process of divorcing him/fighting a nasty custody battle.
Keep documenting, keep going to counseling, and do what's best for you, whatever that means. Just know that you do NOT deserve to be abused in any form. (((hugs)))
Obviously I'm not judging you for not running right out the door.
I'm suprised that your H had rededicated himself to his faith, yet it is reflecting so poorly in his actions.
what's up with that?
I swear that is all part of the cycle. He says he recognizes what he is going is wrong and that he wants to stop, but he does the same thing over and over. And then trys to make me out to be the asshole when I get upset about it.
and listen, this isn't tip. people here aren't going to act like you can have a feeling that things aren't right on a friday and then end up single and carefree after an easy peasy reno divorce the following tuesday. work through what you need to work through to make sure that you're sure. then make a decision. you'll be okay.
Post by lightbulbsun on Jul 3, 2012 9:33:46 GMT -5
I'm sorry Ali. That definitely sounds abusive, even if he isn't hitting you. I was in a verbally/mentally abusive relationship before, and I used to wish he would hit me so I could be "justified" in leaving. Remember that there's no shame in leaving a relationship like this.
Keeping a journal is definitely a good idea. I'm guessing he's not open to therapy/counseling?
I was in a very similar situation. You lose so much perspective when you're in a relationship like that. And I used to think to myself, it's not like he hits me.
I bet the same thing that happened to me will happen to you- your xh will blow up about something, and you'll just be done.
I'm sorry, Ali. I think the journal is a good idea, but i do want to say don't stay simply because people would be surprised. They are not in your marriage and they do not know what goes on behind closed doors, only you do. Only you will know if this becomes a situation that is simply not something that you can live with anymore, feel can be worked out, etc.
big hugs
Cleo is very wise. I'm glad you seem to realize that verbal abuse is absolutely abuse. I like the idea of a journal for yourself. Sending big virtual stranger hugs your way. (((ali)))
I am sorry you are having to go through this. DD's dad was emotionally abusive and it was just plain horrible. Even though that was over about 12 years ago, he still tries to control what I do and how I parent. I am glad you are going to counseling.
Counseling won't fix a batterer, and that's exactly what he is, even if the abuse hasn't turned physical.
Ali, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there as well and honestly didn't realize how textbook of an abuser my ex was until I recently attended a DV training for my job. It's all about retaining a level of power and control over the spouse.
It's extremely difficult and often dangerous for women to leave, so staying gets no judgment from me. You're in California, yes? Google California Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They may have some resources that could help you, if you need them.
Obviously I'm not judging you for not running right out the door.
I'm suprised that your H had rededicated himself to his faith, yet it is reflecting so poorly in his actions.
what's up with that?
I swear that is all part of the cycle. He says he recognizes what he is going is wrong and that he wants to stop, but he does the same thing over and over. And then trys to make me out to be the asshole when I get upset about it.
The whole situation is just 100x f-ed up.
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but he re-dedicated himself to a faith that doesn't value women, their feelings or their roles. I don't think he rejoined to get back on the right path, he rejoined to have his unacceptable behavior justified and validated by group think and a higher power.