apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
I'm at a loss for what to do. I've told him in the past that I think he's being "abusive" but he rolls his eyes and tells me that he doesn't hit me, so there is no problem.
Sadly, I think a lot of people have this attitude about verbal abuse.
My H says really inappropriate shit when he gets angry or stressed out, too. I, too, have told him he was bordering on verbal abuse and got eyerolls. I know how it feels to sit there wondering if this is really a problem or if you're over-reacting, and how rotten the situation can be. I'm sorry you have to feel that way so often.
We were doing a lot better for a while because of a combination of things. I explained to him several times that he would never stand for anyone else talking to me that way, that he would never stand for me talking to him that way, and when my mother talks to me that way, he tells me to cut her out of my life. He always has reasons why it is different for him, but it does seem to have an effect when it happens that somebody else talks to me that way, he calls bullshit, and in that moment I point out to him that he said the exact same thing to me yesterday/last week/whatever. If you can get him to realize it is inappropriate in one situation, it may help him to realize it is actually inappropriate in ALL situations. This combined with me freaking out on him a few times for really crossing the line seemed to at least make him want to do it less in order to avoid me reacting that way.
Of course, when our baby came his stress level went up a lot, and a lot of that went out the window, right when it is most important to me that he not behave that way. I am considering demanding counseling if it continues when our kid is on a schedule enough that counseling would be feasible. I recommend that you talk to him about counseling sometime when you guys are both calm and not upset, in a way that is not too confrontational. "I think we might do better if we tried counseling," for example, as opposed to, "You shit all over my feelings, so let's go to counseling," even if the second one is more true.
I am really sorry you are going through this. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and it's an easy way for the outside world to have no idea what's going on since there is no physical evidence. I think the journal and counseling are great ways to help you sort through your thoughts. I wish you the best.
I think a journal is a great idea and seeing it all in one place will be huge in helping you decide your next step. Sometimes seeing it all written out is a slap in the face wake up call.
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but he re-dedicated himself to a faith that doesn't value women, their feelings or their roles. I don't think he rejoined to get back on the right path, he rejoined to have his unacceptable behavior justified and validated by group think and a higher power.
I'm not sure I'm all on board with this, primarily because I'm not sure what JWs believe that I'm comfortable saying they don't value women.
That being said, I think you do have a very valid point given that rededicating himself to this faith in particular gives him an outside reason for ignoring the things that are meaningful for most families like birthdays and holidays.
I'm so sorry. I hope you can come to a decision that is best for you. I'm going through a divorce right now and I know how hard it is when there are problems in a marriage. ({) (})
Post by sweetcaroline10 on Jul 3, 2012 10:15:01 GMT -5
I am sorry Ali. You sound pretty freaking strong to me. Hope you get some answers and decisions made whether it be through counseling or your journal or just eventually having enough of it. ({)
He's been to counseling with me in the past (before we got married), but doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong. He thinks it's all MY issues that are to blame for everything (and I admittedly have a LOT of issues, but there is so much he isn't willing to or able to address).
I swear that is all part of the cycle. He says he recognizes what he is going is wrong and that he wants to stop, but he does the same thing over and over. And then trys to make me out to be the asshole when I get upset about it.
The whole situation is just 100x f-ed up.
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but he re-dedicated himself to a faith that doesn't value women, their feelings or their roles. I don't think he rejoined to get back on the right path, he rejoined to have his unacceptable behavior justified and validated by group think and a higher power.
Wow, before you make huge generalizations about a faith maybe you should educate yourself about it first.
It doesn't seem like he's working very hard towards being reinstated, because this type of behavior would not be taken lightly.
I would compile some information from the official website of Jehovah's Witnesses about the role of husbands and wives, how each should be treated and viewed and present it to him. You've stated that you don't want anything to do with his faith but that doesn't mean you should be treated like crap!
He obviously has a lot of work to do. It may be beneficial to let those in the congregation that he's working with to get back know that he's treating you this way.
He needs to recognize his role of treating his wife with respect and kindness. Otherwise he can't expect the same from you.
i'm sorry ali. i think you are a great lady and deserve true happiness. yes, i think it's safe to say that many of us think your H is a little wtf. he certainly sounds like he needs some work.
can i recoommend a book to you? it is the best relationship help book of all time. it actually will step-by-step help you analyze your situation and it will tell you whether to leave or stay. it is very wise.
i'm sorry ali. i think you are a great lady and deserve true happiness. yes, i think it's safe to say that many of us think your H is a little wtf. he certainly sounds like he needs some work.
can i recoommend a book to you? it is the best relationship help book of all time. it actually will step-by-step help you analyze your situation and it will tell you whether to leave or stay. it is very wise.
He's been to counseling with me in the past (before we got married), but doesn't think that he's doing anything wrong. He thinks it's all MY issues that are to blame for everything (and I admittedly have a LOT of issues, but there is so much he isn't willing to or able to address).
Post by misshark122 on Jul 3, 2012 11:20:59 GMT -5
I just wanted to recommend a book that I recommend to clients - I read it too, and I think it is very empowering - it is called But He'll Change: End the Thinking That Keeps You in an Abusive Relationship. I think sometimes emotional abuse is the hardest to break away from, because you can always rationalize how much worse it can be, that it isn't really abuse because he doesn't hit you, etc. Emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse, though, and abusers don't change without some type of formal intervention.
Post by incognitotoday on Jul 3, 2012 11:24:27 GMT -5
Lurker here: I am on the Starting Over boards usually and just from reading this one post (don't know your backstory), I think writing is a great form of therapy.
What I also was taught (from my therapist) when I was deciding my marriage/divorce was taking a calendar and taking out three markers: red, yellow, and green or you can be really bold and try for two: red and green.
On days that it is unbearable, you circle the date red, on days that it was great, circle the date green, and if you aren't sure how you feel, circle it yellow. However, doing this "task" with two (red/green) makes it very 'black and white' either it is one way or another. Regardless, by month's end, or a few month's end, you will see a predominant color starring at you in the face. It's very telling.
Sometimes it's hard to 'write' those feelings down, that is why this exercise is easier.
It's funny, when you are going through that situation, no one can make comments/judge b/c they aren't in your shoes, and they don't know the extremities of it. You are living it. And there are days that it sucks and days that you just love and can't understand why the sucky days even happen!
One thing is for sure: you are a person, and NO ONE on this planet is worth your sanity or time if they are an abuser (of any kind). I was mentally, emotionally, verbally, and lastly physically abused. It is not worth it. You are given this one life! Until you are ready, only you can make the decision to stay or to go.
I wish you the best on this path. There will come a day, "when you will JUST KNOW" what to do!
I'm sorry ali. You do what you need to do....seriously a year seems like a long time. If you need to do something sooner, please do that.
How was your mammogram? Did you get results back yet? When is your ultrasound? ((((hug)))
They wouldn't tell me anything yesterday, she said the results would be sent to my doctor. I had my u/s yesterday as well.
I am sorry for all of this. (hug) I will be thinking of you and keeping fingers crossed for the results. If it is any consolation, wouldn't they have kept you in the hospital if they had seen something scary ?
It may be the TIP in me speaking ::eye roll::, but I wholeheartedly believe this:
Any marriage where one member outright refuses counseling is already over. If the other person doesn't want to do any work- you have two options. Stick around and accept that his behavior is what you'll be dealing with forever, or leave. I never said that getting a divorce is "easy peasy", but there is not a magical fix in a marriage where abuse is present and the abuser refuses to see his/her part in it. He's not going to wake up one day and think "God, I've been a full-on douche and she deserves better". You either accept that this is what your life is for now on, or you make plans for a better, happier life without him.
I'm not saying you have to leave him today or tomorrow... but I don't see any hope when he's placing the blame for his abuse squarely on your shoulders. Read the books recommended, not because I think they'll fix your marriage, but because I think you might glean some strength from their words to realize that you deserve so much better.
It's good that you are talking about it. You know that what he is doing is wrong and that something needs to change. Remember that you can only change yourself. He won't change unless he wants to and at this point, he doesn't even see that he is doing anything wrong.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It has been such a tough year for you. Put yourself first for a while. Do what you need to do to make sure that you are taken care of.