I just need to talk about this.

[iamali]

I was going to make an AE, but said screw it.

I hope this post isn't held against me in the future, if it is, so be it I guess.

After reading Karmas post yesterday, I'm pretty certain I am in an emotionally (mentally?) abusive relationship. Yesterday wasn't the first time I had this thought. I've actually told my therapist before that I feel like we're stuck in the cycle of domestic violence.

My H (whom I think many of you don't like anyway) says horrible things to me when he is angry or when we are fighting. He later apologies and says he's sorry and that it won't happen again. Rinse and repeat with a side of how everything is all my fault.

Just the other day, I started a "journal" of sorts about these instances and plan to faithfully keep it up until the end of the year. That way I have a record of all the stuff that happens so maybe in a few months I'll be able to look back at it logically and say "WTF am I still here" or "ok, it's really not that bad".

I'm at a loss for what to do. I've told him in the past that I think he's being "abusive" but he rolls his eyes and tells me that he doesn't hit me, so there is no problem.

I know all of you are going to tell me that I'm stupid if I stay, but leaving is hard, esp. since if you knew us IRL I doubt anyone suspects there is anything wrong.


Oh, and I had my mammogram yesterday. Fucker didn't even say one WORD about it until 3 hours after I got home and said "you know, I'm surprised you haven't asked about this yet".

FML.

[dcannie]

i'm sorry, ali.

[gozf]

I'm sorry, Ali. I wish I knew what else to say, or how to make it better.

[nahoku]

((ali)) I'm so sorry.

[leeann]

I'm sorry - by recognizing there's an issue and taking steps to sort through your feelings about it, you are doing good things for yourself.

[thebamker]

I'm so sorry about this ali

Obviously I'm not judging you for not running right out the door.

I'm suprised that your H had rededicated himself to his faith, yet it is reflecting so poorly in his actions.

what's up with that?

[cleo29]

I'm sorry, Ali. I think the journal is a good idea, but i do want to say don't stay simply because people would be surprised. They are not in your marriage and they do not know what goes on behind closed doors, only you do. Only you will know if this becomes a situation that is simply not something that you can live with anymore, feel can be worked out, etc.

big hugs

[Deleted]

i'm sorry. the eyerolling he does is making me cringe.

there is no shame or failure in leaving an abusive, unhappy marriage. none.

[greylady]

I'm sorry. Does your therapist agree? Does she/he have any recommendations?

[Nicole]

((Ali))

Would he go to counseling with you?

[cbwm1]

I'm so sorry, Ali.

My BFF is basically going through the same thing. She spent months documenting everything her husband said to her. She made Pro & Con lists for leaving him.

Finally, she came out of a fog and realized that she is a strong woman and can do it on her own, and she's in the process of divorcing him/fighting a nasty custody battle.

Keep documenting, keep going to counseling, and do what's best for you, whatever that means. Just know that you do NOT deserve to be abused in any form. (((hugs)))

[Mrs.Beagle]

Jul 3, 2012 9:12:12 GMT -5 iamali said:

I've told him in the past that I think he's being "abusive" but he rolls his eyes and tells me that he doesn't hit me, so there is no problem.

To me, this is very telling. It shows that he's being deliberate and is okay with hurting you as long as it isn't physical.

Lots of hugs, Ali. PM me if you want to talk.

[iamali]

Jul 3, 2012 9:18:30 GMT -5 thebamker said:

I'm so sorry about this ali

Obviously I'm not judging you for not running right out the door.

I'm suprised that your H had rededicated himself to his faith, yet it is reflecting so poorly in his actions.

what's up with that?

I swear that is all part of the cycle. He says he recognizes what he is going is wrong and that he wants to stop, but he does the same thing over and over. And then trys to make me out to be the asshole when I get upset about it.

The whole situation is just 100x f-ed up.

[Deleted]

and listen, this isn't tip. people here aren't going to act like you can have a feeling that things aren't right on a friday and then end up single and carefree after an easy peasy reno divorce the following tuesday. work through what you need to work through to make sure that you're sure. then make a decision. you'll be okay.

[meadowlark]

I'm sorry to hear about this. Glad you are seeing a therapist. And I think the journal idea is an excellent one.

[poppyseed]

(((ali)))

[HiC]

I'm sorry ali. You do what you need to do....seriously a year seems like a long time. If you need to do something sooner, please do that.

How was your mammogram? Did you get results back yet? When is your ultrasound? ((((hug)))

[iamali]

Jul 3, 2012 9:24:56 GMT -5 HiC said:

I'm sorry ali. You do what you need to do....seriously a year seems like a long time. If you need to do something sooner, please do that.

How was your mammogram? Did you get results back yet? When is your ultrasound? ((((hug)))

They wouldn't tell me anything yesterday, she said the results would be sent to my doctor. I had my u/s yesterday as well.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, Ali. I'm glad you're able to see what is wrong and trying to fix what you can, I think the journal is a fantastic idea.

[roadstar]

I'm so sorry Ali (((hugs))).

[lightbulbsun]

I'm sorry Ali. That definitely sounds abusive, even if he isn't hitting you. I was in a verbally/mentally abusive relationship before, and I used to wish he would hit me so I could be "justified" in leaving. Remember that there's no shame in leaving a relationship like this.

Keeping a journal is definitely a good idea. I'm guessing he's not open to therapy/counseling?

(((ali)))

[RobotLegs]

Oh, ali. You seem like such a sweet and big-hearted person and I hate to see that you're going through this

I have no advice, except listen to your heart. And you know you always have lots of support here whatever you decide to do. **hugs**

[Deleted]

I'm sorry Ali. I hope counseling and journal keeping helps to get you to the right place in life.

[Bernadine]

I was in a very similar situation. You lose so much perspective when you're in a relationship like that. And I used to think to myself, it's not like he hits me.

I bet the same thing that happened to me will happen to you- your xh will blow up about something, and you'll just be done.

I'm here if you ever, ever need to talk.

[mypunkinpie]

Jul 3, 2012 9:18:32 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

I'm sorry, Ali. I think the journal is a good idea, but i do want to say don't stay simply because people would be surprised. They are not in your marriage and they do not know what goes on behind closed doors, only you do. Only you will know if this becomes a situation that is simply not something that you can live with anymore, feel can be worked out, etc.

big hugs

Cleo is very wise. I'm glad you seem to realize that verbal abuse is absolutely abuse. I like the idea of a journal for yourself. Sending big virtual stranger hugs your way. (((ali)))

[sprky79]

Ali, would he be open to counseling?

[spitforspat]

Aw, man, I'm sorry. You are so strong to seek counseling, and admit that something isn't right. I wish you continued strength and the best of luck.

[mrsjuleshs]

I am sorry you are having to go through this. DD's dad was emotionally abusive and it was just plain horrible. Even though that was over about 12 years ago, he still tries to control what I do and how I parent. I am glad you are going to counseling.

[okla]

Counseling won't fix a batterer, and that's exactly what he is, even if the abuse hasn't turned physical.

Ali, I'm sorry you're going through this. I've been there as well and honestly didn't realize how textbook of an abuser my ex was until I recently attended a DV training for my job. It's all about retaining a level of power and control over the spouse.

It's extremely difficult and often dangerous for women to leave, so staying gets no judgment from me. You're in California, yes? Google California Coalition Against Domestic Violence. They may have some resources that could help you, if you need them.

[greylady]

Jul 3, 2012 9:22:17 GMT -5 iamali said:

Jul 3, 2012 9:18:30 GMT -5 thebamker said:

I'm so sorry about this ali

Obviously I'm not judging you for not running right out the door.

I'm suprised that your H had rededicated himself to his faith, yet it is reflecting so poorly in his actions.

what's up with that?

I swear that is all part of the cycle. He says he recognizes what he is going is wrong and that he wants to stop, but he does the same thing over and over. And then trys to make me out to be the asshole when I get upset about it.

The whole situation is just 100x f-ed up.

I don't mean this in a snarky way, but he re-dedicated himself to a faith that doesn't value women, their feelings or their roles. I don't think he rejoined to get back on the right path, he rejoined to have his unacceptable behavior justified and validated by group think and a higher power.