How to plan for this? I need help.

[Chuppathingy]

I'm afraid I'm going to miss something here. I need to have a plan in place to care for DD as well as my Grandma while I recover from a fairly big deal surgery next month. Warning: long and tmi related to medical problems.

Background:

I'm not sure who here would remember my birth story, but I had an emergency hysterectomy after a vaginal birth. At the time the doctor choose to leave my ovaries intact, hoping that the continuing hormone production would help my recovery. This was in January 2010.

A little over a year ago (December 2012) I was hospitalized with severe pelvic pain. It turned out that I had a small dermoid that burst and caused a small amount of internal bleeding, and a lot of toxicity.

On January 8 (this year) I had my annual physical and my primary doctor found something. I ended up with a sonogram the next day and a surgical consult the day after. In the last year I've had multiple growths develop on my ovaries and tubes. The OBGYN/surgeon described them as mostly golf ball size, with one being as big as 9.8 centimeters in diameter. He and my primary care doctor both agree that everything needs to come out as soon as possible.

They are not going to biopsy first, they will do that after my surgery. There is no way there is any function left in at least the left ovary. The surgeon is optimistic that they might be able to save the right ovary, which isn't as bad, if they can remove the growths on that one cleanly, but he said he's not promising anything. They are at minimum removing the left ovary and tubes on both sides.

Because I have extensive scarring from my earlier hysterectomy, lapriscopy is not a good option for me. I've been told to expect 4 to 6 weeks to be back up and running, and that for the first two in particular, to be very restricted. Specifically, for the first two weeks I won't be able to drive, won't be able to engage in prolonged activity, and while I don't have to stay in bed constantly I shouldn't be sitting or standing for too long a time.

The Issues:

STBX's job requires 14 to 16 hot days and he leaves hours before DD could be dropped off at child care. In addition to DD, I also care for my Grandma. Grandma is 89 and currently needs more help than usual because she has a broken arm.

For DD, STBX will be around at bed time basically. The current plan is that my mom will come stay at our place so she can take DD to her day care every day and take care of dinner before STBX gets home. I will go stay at her place.

The surgeon did recommend I make arrangements for someone else to take care of DD for at least the first two weeks because of how restricted I will be. I figure it is easier for DD to understand "Mommy has to go on a trip for a couple weeks" at this age than why she can't go home and is staying at Nana's when she knows Mommy is there. Does that make sense? Or would you do something else?

My mom can not be home for Grandma during the day like I have been. She also can't be home with Evie on the weekends. She's a CPA. This also means that by mid February (my surgery is scheduled for the 13th) working weekends will be essential for her. STBX is working on clearing his work schedule for those two weekends, but he won't know if he's off the schedule until closer to the date. So I need to come up with a backup on the weekends and day time care for Grandma.

Weekend option 1 is to send Evie to my sister's place in Baltimore. Not convenient as her place is an hour away, but DD loves her.

Weekend option 2 is to let her stay locally with STBX's brother and SIL. Please feel free to check me here if you think I'm being ridiculous, but i don't like the idea of DD spending 48 hours with these two.

I feel like objectively there is no good reason to not let DD spend one weekend with them. She loves them too, and they live just up the road so it wouldn't be such a big deal.

On the other hand I know I've posted here before about how my ILs can be, and I'm just as worried that I am too concerned about being seen as difficult/unreasonable and not thinking clearly because I don't want to inconvenience people more than I already am.

Regarding Grandma, I think the best thing I can do is hire someone to check on her during the day. She won't do adult day care. I've talked to her about it and she adamantly wants to be home. I know there is a Senior Center here that provides activities but I have no idea how we'd get her there since the hours are weird. If anyone has other ideas of appreciate it.

Finally, I can keep myself entertained well enough, but I'm nervous because I'll basically be alone during those two weeks. I have a friend who has offered to drive me to any follow up appointments, and I'm making freezer meals. But I'm worried I won't think of something before all this.

Sorry that was so long. I really just want to make sure I haven't failed to plan for something here. And that I'm not being an unreasonable loon in making said plans.

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[vanillacourage]

Re: your grandma - I'm sorry, but for two weeks she needs to suck it up and do what's best for everyone. I manage my grandparents' affairs and understand how stubborn the olds can be, but she cannot insist on being an obstacle. I would look into respite care where she can live on-site for the first toe weeks. You could also look at hiring someone to come into your home and check on her - we hire such a company to provide supplemental services to my grandmother in her independent living facility. You could probably call local senior homes to ask who they use, or check out reviews on Angie's List or Yelp. 

Unless you have specific safety concerns about your StBX's brother, I would let them help however you can.  You could also ask teachers at your DD's preschool if any of them are interested in a temporary gig helping on the evenings or on weekends.

good luck!

[candc]

Why are you afraid to stay home if you Mom or STBX will be there when your daughter is? I would explain Mommy is sick and cannot play but likes quiet cuddles and Grandma or Daddy will help with all the other things. at least that way you have someone checking on you regularly as well. I would send your DD to your sister's one weekend and your BIL the next. I also agree with Vanilla about the respite care, just reassure her it is for 2 weeks and it would help you so much.

[Chuppathingy]

Jan 23, 2014 13:02:42 GMT -5 candc said:

Why are you afraid to stay home if you Mom or STBX will be there when your daughter is? I would explain Mommy is sick and cannot play but likes quiet cuddles and Grandma or Daddy will help with all the other things. at least that way you have someone checking on you regularly as well. I would send your DD to your sister's one weekend and your BIL the next. I also agree with Vanilla about the respite care, just reassure her it is for 2 weeks and it would help you so much.

Because of things that happened last year. Last year, in addition to the dermoid issue, I had pneumonia around February 2013. Both times I tried explaining I was sick but DD just couldn't understand it, and STBX and Grandma (even my mom really because in tax season she's pretty unreachable) did not help matters. I ended up hurting my self and hindering my recovery in both cases because none of them cared enough to stop making demands and help with DD. The house went to hell and DD went wild. Based on those two instances, I don't trust that I won't be put in a position where I have to disregard my surgeon's instructions. I think a large part of why DD didn't believe I was really sick is because she saw STBX obviously not giving a fuck. My primary care doctor knew about all this and it's based on the fact that I wasn't able to completely follow medical instructions in the past that my surgeon recommended I arrange to go away.

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[Pom]

Can you find some type of local in home help, such as in home nursing to help with grandma and check on you so you would both be able to stay in your own home? As for a weekend care plan, I think you should let whoever can help, do it unless it is a truly bad environment at your BIL. Only you know what your are comfortable with, you don't need added stress. It's one weekend.

Wishing you the best on a fast recovery.

[candc]

That makes sense to me! I am sorry you did not get more support, I think making sure you are able to heal is critical and if going away is the only way to accomplish that then that is what you need to do. If you can talk your Grandma into going into respite care for a couple of weeks or a month it sounds like everything is in hand. GOod luck with surgery and I hope your recovery is as easy as possible.

[lime]

I remember your posts last year, when you were sick for a long time and got zero support. I seriously wanted to wrap you in a warm blanket and make you hot cocoa.

I don't know the backstory with your BIL/SIL, but if you aren't comfortable with your DD being there, then send them to your sister. I'm sure she wants to help you during this time.

Your grandmother is also going to have "help" here, which basically means that she needs to not be in the way of outside assistance.

Sorry you are dealing with all of this. Best wishes for a speedy recovery.

[Chuppathingy]

To be clear the problem with his brother isn't that DD wouldn't be safe, its that I find him and his wife creepy. His brother has openly stated that what he loves about his wife is that she is obedient and controllable and that he was looking to marry a woman who would be dependent on him. Over this past Christmas when we saw them, I had to correct SIL from telling DD that she couldn't interrupt the men talking because they were talking about computers which are a boy thing and that means as a girl she should be quiet. That said I have no doubt that she would be perfectly safe with them it's more that I think they are creepy and misogynistic and I worry about them having any opportunity to influence DD. I worry about that with pretty much all of STBX's family.

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[hocus2]

I'd hire a live in for your grandmother and to help with your daughter. Send your daughter where you feel most comfortable. If that is your sister's then fine.

[lime]

Ick to your BIL. Although two weeks probably won't be something she remembers in the long run, your sister's place sounds like a better option.

[imojoebunny]

I am assuming that hiring someone is not an option, or you would just do that. I am sorry for the predicament you are in. I have some experience with not being able to physically care for my children and it was scary. I had a neck injury after my son was born and those were some of the darkest days of my life. My DH works 60 hours a week, so I hired a nanny who could come in and help me and drive me places. It was hard to find someone for short term work but I networked the heck out of everyone I could hunt down and found a lady who was between positions for a couple of months before starting with a new baby and was flexible.

Of your options, I would try for your sisters place first. On grandma, can she take the bus if she needs too? Here there are mobility buses for handicapped and elderly that will take them places on an on call basis for a reasonable rate. Meals on Wheels can also bring in food and do a welfare check daily.

Good luck with your surgery. Sorry you are faced with this.

[ufcasey]

From the background you posted, I think it's a good idea for you to not be home with DD while you recover in order to help prevent overextending yourself. Your BIL/SIL sound gross in their ideas, but I don't think one weekend alone with them would influence DD terribly. I would hate to put your sister out having to drive an hour each way two weekends in a row, so at minimum I would think DD should stay local for the one weekend with the BIL/SIL.

As for Grandma, looking at your blog just now, she sounds like a terrible person. Why have you been taking care of her all this time when she is so rude and unappreciative? Is there no other family of hers that can help her out? I think you need to just provide her a list of options and phone numbers and she will need to be the one to make the phone calls and arrange for her own care during this time while you are recovering from surgery, if not permanently. A broken arm does not prevent her from making phone calls and taking charge of her own backup care. This should not fall on you.

I am so sorry about everything you are going through and the stress involved but it sounds like you have a good care plan in place for DD, and I hope your recovery goes smoothly. Keep us updated.

[jena]

Can you hire someone and either have them drive grandma to senior care or ask grandma to "help" keep an eye on the sitter? Does grandma really need nursing care or just a helping hand because of the arm?

And no way in hell would I let bil/sil keep her for a weekend. Maybe for a few hours but not a weekend.

Going away somewhere sounds fabulous.

[glynn]

I would try to find someone to hire to help out for the 2 weeks. YOur DD is a year old so maybe it would be easier for her to understand this time. Sorry

[Chuppathingy]

Jan 23, 2014 14:54:43 GMT -5 ufcasey said:

From the background you posted, I think it's a good idea for you to not be home with DD while you recover in order to help prevent overextending yourself. Your BIL/SIL sound gross in their ideas, but I don't think one weekend alone with them would influence DD terribly. I would hate to put your sister out having to drive an hour each way two weekends in a row, so at minimum I would think DD should stay local for the one weekend with the BIL/SIL.

As for Grandma, looking at your blog just now, she sounds like a terrible person. Why have you been taking care of her all this time when she is so rude and unappreciative? Is there no other family of hers that can help her out? I think you need to just provide her a list of options and phone numbers and she will need to be the one to make the phone calls and arrange for her own care during this time while you are recovering from surgery, if not permanently. A broken arm does not prevent her from making phone calls and taking charge of her own backup care. This should not fall on you.

I am so sorry about everything you are going through and the stress involved but it sounds like you have a good care plan in place for DD, and I hope your recovery goes smoothly. Keep us updated.

This is complicated but I'll try to explain as simply as possible. 

Grandma is incredibly rude, unappreciative, and just plain mean.  She really always has been.  The reasons I take care of her is primarily because at the time I agreed to do it, I was still in the habit of placing no value on my own needs and doing what I was asked by my family out of a twisted sense of obligation, supported by repeated reminders that "I owe it to them." The other reason was a misguided belief that I owed it to Grandma because she took me in during high school.   And now I'm in a tricky situation to get out of.

My bio father was abusive.  I'm not going into how, but it was only me, never my mom or siblings.  Mom eventually left him but only because she met her current husband.  Around the time that happened, I was completely messed up physically and emotionally, so mom sent me away to live with Grandma.  In a lot of ways, Grandma did "save" me, but it came at the cost of letting her run my life.  I didn't know better enough to care though.  So when mom told me "someone has to live with Grandma, and we want it to be you because you're a stay at home mom right now" I just did it, for the reasons above.

Now, after years of therapy, I'm finally getting my act together and able to see that my choice to do what my family wanted was really detrimental.  Given my health and employment status though I really don't have another option right now.  STBX could move whenever he wants.  Even though I asked for the divorce, I asked him to keep living here for now because I'm afraid of what ways Grandma might try to manipulate me and/or use DD if he left.  That's why I started the blog actually.  I haven't had time for it but I find keeping some kind of diary helps me focus on what I need to do to get out of this mess.  Since that particular post, I just try everything I can to tune her out.  I'm out of the house as often as possible doing things from the local library or Starbucks instead. 

[lime]

This might be an UO, but I'd dump grandma off at a home. Forever.

If she has no assets, Medicare can cover one of those parking garage for senior types.

Or your family can step up and take care of her now.

[doobeedoo]

I know this is not what you want to hear right now, but Grandma is a problem. If I am understanding your situatio properly, you asked your DH to stay in the house after the divorce because of her and needing him to protect you? No, uh uh. It is not too late to get her into an assisted living or other arrangement.

For the temporary recovery situation, I'd hire help during the day and even overnight if needed (especially the first week). I had a 24/7 caregiver for my dad in his final months so that I did not have to move in and disrupt my family. It was the best decision ever. She fed him, bathed him, gave him his meds, kept a journal for me and the hospice team, etc. I would not hesitate to do this or have some sort of respite care arrangement in this case. I think it is a must for your physical and mental well-being.

[Chuppathingy]

My plan is to move out ASAP once I find a new job. My mom would block any attempt on my part to put her in a home. Money's not the issue.

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[doobeedoo]

Jan 23, 2014 16:58:52 GMT -5 Chuppathingy said:

My plan is to move out ASAP once I find a new job. My mom would block any attempt on my part to put her in a home. Money's not the issue.

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But she can't force her to live with you, can she?  Why doesn't your mom take her in?  I don't see what your employment status has to do with it.  You can simply say, after x date, grandma can't live with me.  She will need to move in with you, or a home.  Let's create a plan.  Honestly, it happens all the time in elder care situations--siblings take turns because the burnout factor is so high.  Please put yourself first for a change.

[lime]

Ditto doobeedoo.

This might be a good thing to discuss in therapy; how/why to allow yourself to be put first and how this will shake out with your grandmother.

[sweetnsour]

I would send Evie to your sister's house. She can have fun and you can recover. If money isn't a problem, I would hire a helper.

[Chuppathingy]

Duplicate response

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[Chuppathingy]

Jan 23, 2014 17:13:49 GMT -5 doobeedoo said:

Jan 23, 2014 16:58:52 GMT -5 Chuppathingy said:

My plan is to move out ASAP once I find a new job. My mom would block any attempt on my part to put her in a home. Money's not the issue.

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But she can't force her to live with you, can she?  Why doesn't your mom take her in?  I don't see what your employment status has to do with it.  You can simply say, after x date, grandma can't live with me.  She will need to move in with you, or a home.  Let's create a plan.  Honestly, it happens all the time in elder care situations--siblings take turns because the burnout factor is so high.  Please put yourself first for a change.

My mom doesn't take her in because she and her H own a business that takes up all her time. Also my step dad hates Grandma. My employment status only plays into it because at the time it was decided Grandma couldn't live alone, STBX was going to technical school and working in Philadelphia. DD and I were not allowed to go with him because of the school's student apartment rules.

At the time my employment status, combined with the strain it would have put on me to take DD and get my own place while waiting for STBX, taking care of Grandma seemed like the logical option. And I did feel like I had to do it because it was expected. In hindsight it would have been better if I were on my own. I know.

We are both on the deed to the house. Neither can force the other to leave or stay, but with no job what would I do?

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[lime]

Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Here's the thing - no amount of abuse and misery is worth a free living situation.

The short version is that you will need to collect spousal and child support and eventually seek FT employment. No one is going to say that being a single parent who works will be easy but it will be **so** much better than living in a toxic environment.

You can not believe how much easier and lighter you will feel when you shed your grandmother and STBXH and will have some autonomy over your life. Trust.

[doobeedoo]

Jan 23, 2014 19:24:07 GMT -5 Chuppathingy said:

Jan 23, 2014 17:13:49 GMT -5 doobeedoo said:

But she can't force her to live with you, can she?  Why doesn't your mom take her in?  I don't see what your employment status has to do with it.  You can simply say, after x date, grandma can't live with me.  She will need to move in with you, or a home.  Let's create a plan.  Honestly, it happens all the time in elder care situations--siblings take turns because the burnout factor is so high.  Please put yourself first for a change.

My mom doesn't take her in because she and her H own a business that takes up all her time. Also my step dad hates Grandma. My employment status only plays into it because at the time it was decided Grandma couldn't live alone, STBX was going to technical school and working in Philadelphia. DD and I were not allowed to go with him because of the school's student apartment rules.

At the time my employment status, combined with the strain it would have put on me to take DD and get my own place while waiting for STBX, taking care of Grandma seemed like the logical option. And I did feel like I had to do it because it was expected. In hindsight it would have been better if I were on my own. I know.

We are both on the deed to the house. Neither can force the other to leave or stay, but with no job what would I do?

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I honestly don't know your whole story, so I am sorry if my "tough love" approach seems harsh.  It's just that, in one post, I hear you putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own and it seems like it has taken a huge toll on you physically and emotionally.  And that sucks.  So, yeah figure out your short term plan, but please give yourself permission to put your own needs first once you have recovered from your surgery.  You deserve better.

[Deleted]

I think I would drop DD off to whoever is safe and willing to take her I don't think it's too much to ask a sibling to take her. I would hope my sisters or BIL would ask me if they were in need.

Then I think you should get a nurse for you and grandma. No way you can stay on your own. You will likely barely be able to move. Ask your family if they can chip in for the nurse for two weeks.

[Chuppathingy]

Jan 23, 2014 20:37:15 GMT -5 doobeedoo said:

Jan 23, 2014 19:24:07 GMT -5 Chuppathingy said:

My mom doesn't take her in because she and her H own a business that takes up all her time. Also my step dad hates Grandma. My employment status only plays into it because at the time it was decided Grandma couldn't live alone, STBX was going to technical school and working in Philadelphia. DD and I were not allowed to go with him because of the school's student apartment rules.

At the time my employment status, combined with the strain it would have put on me to take DD and get my own place while waiting for STBX, taking care of Grandma seemed like the logical option. And I did feel like I had to do it because it was expected. In hindsight it would have been better if I were on my own. I know.

We are both on the deed to the house. Neither can force the other to leave or stay, but with no job what would I do?

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I honestly don't know your whole story, so I am sorry if my "tough love" approach seems harsh.  It's just that, in one post, I hear you putting everyone else's needs ahead of your own and it seems like it has taken a huge toll on you physically and emotionally.  And that sucks.  So, yeah figure out your short term plan, but please give yourself permission to put your own needs first once you have recovered from your surgery.  You deserve better.

Don't worry. I know it's not personal. Walking away just isn't something I could do right now. I'm just trying to plan for the surgery. I should not have agreed to buying the house with Grandma the way we did it. In the end I screwed myself, but I didn't think at the time that things would turn out this way with STBX, my health, or my career. I don't want to leave my current situation in a rash manner is all. The smartest thing I can do for me and DD is to compromise on what I can, work with STBX since he's willing to, and find a job first. That way I can at least cushion the loss I will take moving out.

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[krystee]

Push grandma down the stairs and send DD to your sister's for two weeks. Oops. Did I say that out loud?

I am just kidding, but really...use your recovery time to put together a detailed plan to get yourself out of this situation and on your own in a FT job. You will feel so incredible when you have broken these bonds that are holding you back.

I am pulling for you. 2014 can be your year!

[Chuppathingy]

Before I forget to say it, thank you to everyone who gave me advice or an opinion. I always find feedback from this board very helpful.

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[Norticprincess]

Contact the county office on/for aging. They usually have information on respite care for when caregivers need temporary help.

Send DD to your sister's house, is she willing to take her for the whole two weeks or just the weekend?