I've been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks. We met online, so we both knew we were looking for something long term, we hit it off, exchanged numbers, set up dates, walla. We've been out 5 or 6 times, and last night he got us a hotel room. It was awesome. Our chemistry is crazy.
BUT
He already dropped the L-bomb and wants to talk about possibly moving in together "when [I'm] ready." He is 100% ready to settle down and start a family.
My friends and family are all saying "PUMP. THE. BRAKES. This guy is falling too fast and that means it will end fast, too."
And in the same breath they tell me how they were married within 6 moths of meeting and have been happy together for 10 years. So I don't know.
His already dropping the L word is a bit of a red flag, but just keep things at your pace. He said when YOU are ready. Just make sure you are OK with the pace that is being set. That said, I'm going to preemptively agree with the posters who suggest waiting at least 6 months before introducing him and the kids. Stuff may heat up fast, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but it may also cool down just as fast. Just be aware of the traits of the stage-5 clinger (not Patrick).
I don't think they are inherently but you're obviously questioning things and that's a sign it's probably not a good idea. You could be together in 10 years from now whether or not you move in together next week so no sense in rushing things anyway.
I agree they're the exception rather than the rule. Lots of relationships have amazing chemistry at first, but it often fizzles when it's no longer new & exciting and you focus on what it IS rather than what it ISN'T.
I think it's a reason to be cautious and carefully evaluate how you feel. Do you love him? Do you want to move your relationship forward that way? There are relationships that move fast and are solid, and then there are people who (consciously or not) manipulate others through using their emotion to drive the train their way and will wig out when it's no longer like that.
I don't think they are inherently but you're obviously questioning things and that's a sign it's probably not a good idea. You could be together in 10 years from now whether or not you move in together next week so no sense in rushing things anyway.
I agree. The fact that you are doubting is the concern. Does it feel right?
Post by underwaterrhymes on Mar 1, 2014 15:02:53 GMT -5
H and I were quick to jump into bed but slow to say we loved each other. We'd had sex before our fifth date (10 days after our first) and didn't say we loved each other until around the year mark for me (and a bit later for him). And we didn't get married until we'd been together 3 1/2 years. We have an awesome and strong relationship.
But that's anecdotal. Everyone is going to have a different response here.
Saying I love you after three weeks seems super quick to me because I find it hard to imagine falling in love with someone that quickly. To me lust and excitement and holy crap I really LIKE this person are emotions that happen the first three weeks. In my mind, love comes later because you can't really know someone that quickly. I'd be freaked out if someone said I love you after three weeks.
But that's me. That's not you.
My advice is to just take things at the pace that is most comfortable for you. As long as he is not pushing you to move in before you're ready or to say things you don't feel yet, it's cool.
I married him. lol I think it is fine if you are both on the same page. Sometimes when you know, you know. But just enjoy it rather than rushing into living together or marriage.
Here's the thing. I'm not sure "love" is the same for both of us. I was married for 5 years. He's almost 30, never married, longest relationship was a couple years and they only lived together a few months. I'm not sure "love" is the same for both of us. IMO it's totally different now. Pre-marriage me would have thought I was in love right now, yes.
I am totally smitten and like him a lot. I do want our relationship to move forward. He's just scaring me! Which may have to do with never receiving affection/consideration like this from XH. New BF is just TOO good to be real.
Maybe this will get me flamed, but I think my answer is different for you because you have kids. No kids? Feel it out, see where it goes, take a chance if you think it's right. But with kids? You have to take it slow just in case.
Maybe this will get me flamed, but I think my answer is different for you because you have kids. No kids? Feel it out, see where it goes, take a chance if you think it's right. But with kids? You have to take it slow just in case.
I couldn't agree more with this. When there are other, tiny people involved, the risk is much greater, and if he's a lovely guy, he'll still be a lovely guy in a year, and you'll know him infinitely better by then and can make a real commitment.
Maybe this will get me flamed, but I think my answer is different for you because you have kids. No kids? Feel it out, see where it goes, take a chance if you think it's right. But with kids? You have to take it slow just in case.
I agree. I'd be willing to risk it for myself, but I'm not willing to risk them.
Like I said, they won't even meet him for months. Once they get to know him well, the moving in discussion may be on the table.
I'm just worried about the love/attachment factor. Is the fact that he seems head-over-heels a red flag unto itself?
Maybe this will get me flamed, but I think my answer is different for you because you have kids. No kids? Feel it out, see where it goes, take a chance if you think it's right. But with kids? You have to take it slow just in case.
I couldn't agree more with this. When there are other, tiny people involved, the risk is much greater, and if he's a lovely guy, he'll still be a lovely guy in a year, and you'll know him infinitely better by then and can make a real commitment.
Yea, I didn't realize you have kids. I would definitely take it slower. If he really loves you like he says he does, he will understand.
DH and I met in college. We had told each other 'I love you' within a month. We knew it was going to work for us from the very beginning but we didn't get engaged until our third anniversary, married at 4.5 years. A lot of that had to do with age and being in school though.
I think it's entirely possible to know if it's right from the get go (lazarus is certainly a great example), but don't let him set the tone and follow it unless you're ready.
Maybe this will get me flamed, but I think my answer is different for you because you have kids. No kids? Feel it out, see where it goes, take a chance if you think it's right. But with kids? You have to take it slow just in case.
I agree. I'd be willing to risk it for myself, but I'm not willing to risk them.
Like I said, they won't even meet him for months. Once they get to know him well, the moving in discussion may be on the table.
I'm just worried about the love/attachment factor. Is the fact that he seems head-over-heels a red flag unto itself?
By itself? I don't think so. As long as he isn't pressuring you to move faster than you are comfortable with. Since you said he hasn't had many serious relationships, he may just be caught up in all the feels. But, that's the fun part of a new relationship!
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Mar 1, 2014 15:34:18 GMT -5
H told me he loved me within a few weeks. I was very "slow the fuck down, dude" about it and didn't say it back. (I think I said, "Thanks, but I'm not ready to say that yet." lol) Anyway, I knew pretty quickly we were meant to stay together, but we dated for over a year before we moved in together and then another year and a half before we got married. Once I knew I wanted to get married, I wanted to do it right away, and that's when he wanted to wait.
You are smart to hold off on introducing the kids. Things can go either way and I would just slow it down at this point. There isn't a rush for anything just because he wants to settle down and start a family, especially since, you know, you already have a family.
Post by starburst604 on Mar 1, 2014 15:36:43 GMT -5
My relationship with my H moved fast like that. But the thing is I also knew that it was fast, and understood that it was more infatuation than love at that point. We both had a lot of single years under our belts and were just excited to find each other I guess. Fortunately it grew into the real thing in our situation.
I think feeling this way is ok, it's when people make big moves (moving in, getting married, meeting kids) based on infatuation that things can implode. If the pace is too much for you, tell him that. If he can't handle slowing it down, that will tell you a lot about him.
I guess the good thing is that the big moves are being held off on purpose, b/c of the kids. He's very understanding about that. The people I've talked to seem to think that his infatuation is grounds for cutting ties. I just wanted more opinions.
FTR, when he said he loved me I said "Aww, you're sweet." FACEPALM. I explained myself later, lol.
I guess the good thing is that the big moves are being held off on purpose, b/c of the kids. He's very understanding about that. The people I've talked to seem to think that his infatuation is grounds for cutting ties. I just wanted more opinions.
FTR, when he said he loved me I said "Aww, you're sweet." FACEPALM. I explained myself later, lol.
When my H said it after 2 weeks my response was "you're crazy". I probably said it back a week or 2 later though.
I don't think there is a straight forward answer to this. I am more inclined to think it is a red flag given his relationship history. I'd question if he truly understands the gravity of the situation, especially considering you have children. If he had come from a few very long relationships, maybe marriage, etc.. I'd be more sure of his sureness lol.
But you never know. My H and I were fast fast fast in the beginning but it was almost more like insta best friends rather than insta romantic partners/long term relationship material. "I love you" came a lot faster for us than "I'm in love with you". That was a good six months to a year later.
I think the real test will be how he handles things if you start putting on the breaks a little bit. If he truly means to go at your pace and just wants you to know where he is at with things, that's great. But if he doesn't mean it when he says "when you're ready", you could be dealing with a totally different person when you start slowing things down.
I don't know the answer but I was freaked out when my bf (now H) wanted to buy me slippers to keep at his place so my feet wouldn't always be so cold. That was like date 5 so if he'd dropped the L bomb I would have freaked the fuck out! But I also refused to call him my boyfriend for months and months even though I was only exclusively seeing him.
I've been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks. We met online, so we both knew we were looking for something long term, we hit it off, exchanged numbers, set up dates, walla. We've been out 5 or 6 times, and last night he got us a hotel room. It was awesome. Our chemistry is crazy.
Oooh lily.
On the other stuff, I agree with others. Take it slow, it's good to be cautious and take your time. Do what feels right at your own pace, not anyone else's.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Mar 1, 2014 16:06:33 GMT -5
Also, and again this is anecdotal and not supportive at all of people falling fast, but right before I met H, I dated this guy for six weeks. He was kind of dorky (but cute) and I knew it wouldn't last, but the sex was unreal. He liked me a lot more than I liked him and told me he was falling for me and that I was so much fun and he'd never met anyone like me. He told his family all about me. He bought me a toothbrush for his apartment.
And then he dumped me, telling me that the sex was incredible, but that was all we had in common.
I was pissed because I thought I would be the one to break things off. And dude! You bought me a fucking toothbrush last week!
But really he just figured out what I already knew - we were not compatible long term and having fun at the go carts and having crazy amazing sex is not love.
I'm glad he did figure it out because I would have been content to keep on fucking him for awhile and thanks to him wanting something deeper, I met my H two weeks later.
I dated a guy who told me "you are my soulmate" within 3 weeks of dating. It was a train wreck relationship and he always started a new relationship before breaking up with his previous partner. I was too young and naive to notice it back then, but realized much later that he was too scared to be alone, so he would try to tie down his new amour-de-jour by love bombing.
On the flip side, MH and I got engaged 3 months after we started dating. But we had known each other for a year before we started dating. "I love yous" came more freely a year after we got engaged. MH had also been single for a few years before he asked me out.