@ moms in the delivery room

[basilosaurus]

Is this normal? Is it normal if mom lives thousands of miles away? Is it for support or for a special bonding experience?

I ask b/c my sister mentioned how excited my mom is about her pregnancy, and she was thinking about asking her to be at the delivery (um, 7+ months away) b/c my mom never had any biological children, so it would mean something to her. She married my dad when we were 8 and 10 and adopted us a year later.

Am I crazy to think that my mom won't find it as special an inclusion as my sister seems to think? Also, that would require mom flying out there. She seems to only suggest this for my mom's sake, not hers.

The backstory to why I care when it doesn't involve me at all is that my sister has historically had expectations of parental involvement based on her friends (who have local, rich, helicopter families) that are completely not the norm for our family. And then she gets butthurt/guilt trips, and I have to make both sides see each other's POV to keep the peace. Like she thought my mom should fly out for a wedding shower when she'd just visited 3 months before and was going to be there again for the wedding. Or that my parents should attend her friends' weddings just b/c they were invited and that's what all her friends' parents do. There's a long list of these, and it involves my sister crying to me and my parents venting/feeling guilty to me.

[dev22]

I think it depends on the Mom and on the family. All of my friends have had their Moms in the delivery room with them, but I wouldn't find it odd if someone did not want their mom there either. I also think that most Moms would probably feel pretty special being invited to be there, even if they couldn't attend due to distance.

I am not sure what I will want, but in the end I will probably have my Mom in there. I was in the room with my BFF when her daughter was born - it was me, her mom and her two sisters (and her H, of course).

[aw]

My mom has been present at all seven of her grandkids' births (and will be present at #8 in February too). She tells me that being invited to witness the birth of her grandchildren and watch the daughter she gave birth to bring life into this world is one of the greatest gifts she has ever been given. She is always extremely thankful for being allowed to be there.

My MIL has also been present at 2 out of 3 of my births (she didn't get the message that I was in labor with the other one until it was too late). She also appreciates the invitation.

I know several moms who have flown to the places their daughters live and stayed there for weeks leading up to the birth so they can be present at the birth. I guess it all depends on your relationship. I find comfort in my mother being present while I am in the most pain I will ever experience and also during the days afterwards. Others may find it annoying. I don't think there is a normal for this.

[hopecounts]

It depends on the Mom. Some would love it and others like mine are perfectly happy to be in the waiting room (which was good because I didn't want anyone but DH and medical professionals in the delivery room).
Could you give your Mom a heads up that your sister is thinking of asking her to be in the room so that if she doesn't want to she can perhaps drop a hint that she'd prefer to be in the waiting room?

A friend of mine who is adopted had her mom in the delivery room and her Mom loved it and was very touched to be involved in such a big moment.
My Aunt was hurt that her Daughter didn't have her in the room when her granddaughter was born.
IT really does vary.

[redheadbaker]

I didn't want my mom in the delivery room. We're not close, and she's not the most supportive (she's the type who, when I was 5 and skinned my knee, she would tell me to suck it up, it's not like I was dying).

It worked out well, anyway, because she didn't want to be in the delivery room. She doesn't tolerate medical procedures well. She almost passed out when I got stitches in my chin when I was 14.

[jena]

I think it would be nice for her to invite mom, but it's not nice to expect her to be there.

My mom was there for my 2nd baby. I didn't really plan it that way but I didn't mind either (1000 mile away mom scheduled a trip for after my due date - baby appeared 9 days late, during my long labor, mom came to visit and then all of a sudden I was complete and ready to push. I said she could stay if she didn't pass out. Mom stayed off to the side, taking pics from a non-gruesome side view and crying silently)

You might also remind your sister that it's really really hard to buy advance plane tickets for a non-scheduled event. A due date is almost meaningless when it comes down to planning a trip.

[heightsyankee]

In most of my friends' cases, I would say the majority of the moms wanted to be there and the daughters did/didn't want them. My mom would have loved it. My OB lied for me and said that they had to limit the number of people in the room so I just had DH.

[penguingrrl]

I did not invite my mother into the delivery room. I had visitors during the inductions, but once it was time for pushing DH was the only one there. I can see why some people would want it, but I don't want extra people there.

[Deleted]

I didn't have mine in there, and my family is all local. It was just me, the doc, H, and the nurse who told him to grab a leg when it was time to push.

[cookiemdough]

I think it depends on the relationship and also the type of birth someone wants. My mom was supposed to be in the delivery room and came with us to the hospital, but I when I needed an emergency c-section only my husband came with me into the room because that was all that was allowed.

I don't find either scenario unusual. Some just want their husbands, some want extended family.

[ringstrue]

She needs to first ask your mom if its something important and special to her, and go from there. And she should ask her now so she has time to get used to her mom's position on it. And maybe you could give your mom a heads up that this sort of thing is coming.

If it were me as the mom, I'd be there if my daughter wanted me there, but I wouldn't need to be there especially because I don't wanna get in the way of mommy/daddy/baby bonding time. There is plenty of time to cuddle the baby after the gunk is thrown out, kwim?

[caden]

I agree w/ the pps that it depends on the mom/daughter. I know some moms that were present but in my friendship circle most weren't. My mom sure wasn't and that was mutual. Well she was there during labor, but not after my epi/at delivery. So basically she watched me knit for a few hours.

[basilosaurus]

I won't tell my mom just in case my sister changes her mind.

I know it's not weird to want/have mom, but IDK something struck me as weird the way she said it. And then a little later she actually brought up, again, the wedding shower and friends' weddings, and those were from years ago.

I think my mom would be touched. However, they're really not involved in our daily lives. We see them once or twice a year, sometimes less. They never pressure us to be home for holidays (I've gone well over a year without seeing them), never pressured us on kids, etc. We talk to them maybe once every week or two. I'm guessing that sounds really distant to a lot of people, but we consider ourselves very close and loving.

But, I can also see my mom feeling guilted into it, especially given the history. And that's why I want to tread lightly. And then there's the whole layer of my sister not remember our bio mom, and I think this is bringing up lots of stuff for her.

Oh, also mom is completely neurotic. For my sister's sake, she shouldn't want her there Mom's best supportive role will be cleaning the house.

[AllieHound]

My mom was there up until they decided I needed a c-section, and then it was just H and I. I would have been fine with her being there while I was pushing- would have wanted her there, actually. I didn't want her in the room with the c-section, but that wasn't an option, so it was good. There was something about it just being H and I behind the curtain that was very intimate...I'm glad there wasn't anyone else there. Except the anesthesiologist, lol.

My ILs were in the room while I was in active labor, though, and I kinda wanted them to GTFO. I broke down a bit because of the pain, H sent everyone out and I finally told him I wanted them gone. He was going out to tell them when the nurse said she'd do it, and then lied her ass off and told them that the doc was coming in to check my dilation, so everyone needed to leave. I loved her.

Next time, since it'll be a scheduled c/s (my hospital doesn't do VBAC)- it'll just be H and I, and I'd assume our parents would be in the waiting room until after we were out of recovery. Which is fine with us- we both have very close (helicopter-y, if I'm honest) families, and that's how we like it.

[livinitup]

Why would this be any different than any other event you mentioned?

The only person's reaction you can change is your own. Are you willing to change how you play the middle and express everyone's POV?

No? Why would they?

[frlcb]

My mom was there when I had my son, and it was in London, so she flew over for it. She was supposed to be there when I had my daughter but I went 15 days late and my dad had to go out of town and so she stayed with my son. I was much more foul with my language the second time so it is probably good she wasn't there.

[basilosaurus]

Jul 9, 2012 20:22:37 GMT -5 livinitup said:

Why would this be any different than any other event you mentioned?

Huh? I'm trying to see if this is different b/c if it is, I'll back the eff out.

In all those others, I got my sister to feel less butthurt by getting her to see my parents' (and other normal people's) POV. She really did have unreasonable expectations. And I got my parents to not be mad at her guilt trips. Sometimes hearing from a 3rd party makes it easier to drop defenses.

My sister runs interference for me, too. It's a valuable ally to have in a family that loves to talk about each other but feel it's rude to express something directly b/c they don't want to pressure you. Ah, wasps.

[heyjude]

My mom was and it was amazing to have her there.

[Deleted]

I didn't think I wanted my mom in the room while I was pushing but I definitely wanted her there for the labor. As it turned out, she was in the room for the pushing which was great because I definitely cried for my mommy when my epidural failed - it was bad and I'm so glad she was there and so was she. I'm just kind of bummed I ended up with a c section so she missed the actual birth .

[marissa]

My mom was there for my oldest son. I was a 19 year old single girl and she was my labor coach. I had asked my sister and one cousin to be as well and when I started having complications they had to wait in the waiting room. My sister was 15 and my cousin was 17 at the time. When I had my twins we called my mom as soon as my water broke and she started on the 5 hour trip here where I live now. I had to have a c-section and she couldn't have been there in the room. My MIL insisted on being in the room while I labored and forced FIL to be there too. I was pissed and didn't want her there but was in too much pain to say anything. No one was there for the birth of our youngest son. He was born at 1 am. The other boys were all afternoon babies.

My mom was there and watched my sister have my oldest niece and was in the waiting room while she had her younger daughter. My sister had a c-section. My mom will be in the waiting room when my sister has baby number 3 next month.

I did want my dad there when I had my oldest son but he refused to be in the room; he waited outside the door until he heard Joshua cry and then came in. I don't see anything wrong with it, IMO.

[kcb]

Both my sister and my MIL had expectations they'd be in the delivery with me, and I quickly disabused them of that notion. My mom had absolutely no thoughts about it that she expressed to me. I ended up with scheduled c/s so it was no big deal in any case. My SILs had their parents and MIL with them, but they are all local to each other.

[EloiseWeenie]

I know people that have had moms (and dads) in the delivery room, and others that had just husbands/SO. When I got pregnant my mom told me that she hoped I didn't want her in there, because she had no interest watching me in pain.

Obviously I don't know your mom, but I had a friend give birth last year (deceased mom, dad in Phillipines, husband in Afghanistan) and she asked her best friend and our good friend (upper 50s who was infertile). Our friend (50s) was so touched, and I'm sure it is one of the best experiences of her life. She read tons of books on childbirth and went to labor classes with the girl. She feels such a strong connection to the baby and family after being there.

Maybe you could send some feelers out to your mom?

[laurenpetro]

i did not invite any parents for either of my births, nor did my sister. there is just no freaking way i needed yet another person in the room.

[pixy0stix]

My mom really wanted to be in the room. I kicked her out. :/

[statlerwaldorf]

My mom really wanted to be in the room, but I wanted that moment to be just me and DH. I am debating about having her in the room if I have another c-section, but I haven't decided. I know it would mean a lot to her.

[josieposy]

My parents weren't even in the same country when I delivered. Of course we didn't plan for that to happen. They were on vacation at the time and I was 10 weeks early. That's said, my mom knew that she would not be in there for the birth from the beginning and she was fine with that.

[JLN]

I didn't even allow family at the hospital until after PJ was born. Which turned out to be wise because I ended up spending most of my labor making laps around the maternity unit and passing the waiting room each time. It would have made me nervous for family to see me like that.

I agree with PP's though. It just depends on the relationship of your mom and sister.

[taratru]

My first it was just me and the ex. I didn't know any better. My second it was me, now-DH, my oldest (she was 6), and my aunt (who raised me). SO MUCH BETTER. It was just this...very loving and supportive atmosphere. My third, just me and DH, by choice. I missed my aunt at #3.

[pescalita]

Agree that it depends on the mom/daughter.

My mom wanted to be there. Not for the actual delivery, but she couldn't wrap her brain around the fact that I wanted my space and didn't want to think about anyone/thing else.

The morning of my last appt she tried to invite herself to my dr appt and when I told her I didn't want a bunch of people around for labor, she told me I wouldn't care and I didn't know what I would want.

It was kind of awful and we ended up having to be all cloak and dagger about the induction and be those people on the hospital tour that asked about keeping out unwanted visitors. We ended up running into my mom in the elevator (she works at the hosp) and she stormed off in a huff, leaving me starting my induction in tears.

This has little to do with your OP. Be nice to your kids, folks.

[msmerymac]

Jul 9, 2012 21:40:05 GMT -5 pixy0stix said:

My mom really wanted to be in the room. I kicked her out. :/

Eh, I would too. More likely I'd tell her to plan to come visit a few weeks after my due date.

Some people are down with it - like the Kardashians. I think my mom would love to be there. I would not love anyone to be there but my husband. Sorry.