Should I be concerned about this?

[rbp]

I don't feel like I'm "bonding" with my baby at all. I put it in quotes because when people say they're bonding with their unborn child, I don't really know what they mean. This baby is very much wanted, but I've done basically nothing to prepare for him other than prenatal care. The nursery-to-be is currently H's office, and we have nowhere to move all that stuff. (H doesn't work from home daily, but he often does work at night and on weekends in there, and he has A LOT of stuff.) Also, we don't even have a bathtub in our house--our only full bathroom only has a shower. I know that babies are bathed in one of those baby baths for awhile, but we are planning to stay in this house at least until he is two. H has talked about converting our large laundry room into a second full bathroom with a laundry closet in the hallway, which sounds great in theory, but I really don't think a bathtub, toilet, and sink will fit in the space. Regardless, it will be a $$$ project and we are spending more than we ought to already.

I feel so unprepared for everything, and every time I think of doing something it makes me panic.  :?

ETA: I am 19 weeks along. 

[Deleted]

You are just in the second trimester, right? Don't worry, it will come. And if not, it will come once the baby is born.

[bowies]

I don't feel that bonded either. I'm not an overly touchy-feely person though so I think it's just my personality. I deeply love those who are close to me so I'm not too worried. I just need to have him in the here-and-now.

ETA: We just bought out furniture last week. I waited because it was making me anxious. I can use a dresser in another part of the house, but a crib is a Big Deal.

[curbsideprophet]

I would not be concerned.

How much counter space do you have in the bathroom? We used the primo euro bath on the counter for a long time.

[thatgirl2478]

eh - at that point I wasn't terribly bonded either. I think it became more real after we found out she was a girl and we could start planning stuff more easily. I don't remember when I first felt her move, but that helped make it feel more real.

we aren't buying furniture for kid 2 until later - we're trying to keep the guest bed assembled & in a room as long as possible since it's where either DH or I go when the other one is making it difficult to sleep.

[katiek]

I feel similarly. I occasionally lurk on my month board on The Bump, and someone there said they sing to their unborn baby every night, which I thought was sweet. I went on a search for baby-related songs, and that sort of helped. I feel dumb actually singing the songs, but I identified with the emotion in them, and that made me feel closer to the baby because I could visualize feeling close to him. Are you planning to find out the sex? That helped me a bit too, because calling the baby "it" didn't help him feel like a real person, lol. Now I can make more concrete plans/potentially call him by name if we decide.

Regardless, though, I know that we'll bond more when he's born, so I'm trying not to worry about it

[smock]

I think that's totally normal. My baby was planned and I still sometimes resent the irritations of pregnancy and I've felt a bit panicked at moments about feeling a foreign creature in my body.

So maybe I'M the one who should be worried, lol.

[chicago]

Normal. I have felt more bonded as it's gotten closer, but even this morning H and I are having "oh my gosh, what have we done?!" moments regularly. H, I know, feels like it won't really hit him until she arrives. Feeling movement helped me a lot, but I still can't conceptualizer that she's a fully formed person in there and will be ours.

I think having a baby is just weird. You'll bond on your own timeline.

[Odonata]

Being I lost two and had a hard time conceiving this one, I am back and forth at letting myself bond or even believing I'm pregnant.

Now that I'm sick all the time, I seem to be focusing on that and how miserable I feel. There is no "oh, but it's all for a good thing!" feeling. It's just "fuck this, I want to feel better!!!!" I've often wondered what is wrong with me that I've wanted a baby for so long and all I can do is think about how sick I feel all the time and how I want it to end (not the pregnancy, but the sickness!).
I've had weekly ultrasounds at the IF place since week 5 and I had my last one today. That usually gets me all about the baby but usually only for a day.

I am hoping that once I feel better and the second trimester starts, where I start to feel the baby and show a bit, the "bonding" will grow. I do know that if I were to lose this one, I would be devastated, so it's not like I don't care.

At any rate, I don't think there is anything wrong with you.

[mannah]

Yeah I think everyone is different in this regard. Try not to compare yourself (impossible) to others. I'm in your same boat, for what it's worth. But One thing that got me really excited was when I read Lucies List--it got me thinking of all kinda of stuff that hadn't occurred to me and it was funny. That was a small turning point for me in the "bonding".

[teep]

I don't feel bonded to my baby yet. We found out she was a girl at 20 weeks, I started feeling movements around 22 weeks, which made it feel more "real" - but still no "bond". I'm not worried yet. I love the baby, it just still seems surreal to me I guess. I don't think it'll hit me until I deliver.

[starlily]

I think that's perfectly normal. I don't think I felt really bonded with DD until she was born, and I kind of feel the same this time around too.

[rbp]

Thanks ladies. I also can't identify with people who "love" being pregnant. Even ignoring the three weeks that I felt like ass, being pregnant just cramps my style. Getting fat, no drinking, tiring out easily....blah!

[jene]

I don't think you should be concerned. I feel like it is hard to bond with someone until you meet them. It is really cool once the kicks start coming and it makes it more real, but I think it just takes time.

[mrspost08]

We have 2 bathrooms one with a bathtub. I worry with his we will use the bathtub bc of the set up. The baby will be in the shower or the sink.

[earlgreyhot]

This is your first, no? My last felt like a dream I was living and we talked about the baby all the time but it didn't feel really real. And even when DS was born and they held him up I almost recoiled b/c it was so strange. I instantly liked him and was excited, but the overwhelming love and bond was something that developed over the next few weeks.

Others have different experiences, though. It's all normal!

[rbp]

Mar 10, 2014 22:36:03 GMT -5 earlgreyhot said:

This is your first, no? My last felt like a dream I was living and we talked about the baby all the time but it didn't feel really real. And even when DS was born and they held him up I almost recoiled b/c it was so strange. I instantly liked him and was excited, but the overwhelming love and bond was something that developed over the next few weeks.

Others have different experiences, though. It's all normal!

Yes, first baby. I have no fucking clue what I'm doing LOL. Thanks for the reassurance!

[IndiaInk]

Mar 10, 2014 21:13:17 GMT -5 jene said:

I don't think you should be concerned. I feel like it is hard to bond with someone until you meet them. It is really cool once the kicks start coming and it makes it more real, but I think it just takes time.

This seems accurate.  I started feeling like it was real when I began feeling kicks.  And now that I can actually feel and identify the baby's body parts, I feel much more inclined to "talk to" the baby out loud and stuff and I feel much more emotion toward this little creature.  But I really don't even know that much about this baby, I don't even know if it's a boy or a girl, so I wouldn't say I feel this immense bond with it yet.  I feel like that will come when I can really get to know the baby for real.  

[blushing]

There is nothing wrong with you not bonding with your baby yet. Some people don't even bond with their baby when he/she is first born. I have known some people who taken weeks/months to feel that bond after birth. It is all considered normal.

[VillainV]

Definitely normal, especially at 20ish weeks.

You may start to bond more as your bump gets bigger or you feel more movement. H and I started bonding a little more when we found out the gender. And again a little more when we started setting up a nursery and started getting shower gifts. Having said that, it's STILL doesn't really feel "real" yet, and we're basically down to the wire :-)

[katinthehat]

Mar 10, 2014 18:04:37 GMT -5 ribollita said:

I shower with my 10w old. So much easier. I think she's had two baths, and one was in my parents' sink.

yes yes yes and yes.  I've showered with both my girls almost exclusively.  Two benefits: they got sleepy and DH took them from me while I was still in the shower, did PJs and diapers and got them into bed.  Plus, it meant I actually got a shower every day without listening for a screaming baby.

[katinthehat]

Mar 10, 2014 21:07:43 GMT -5 rbp said:

Thanks ladies. I also can't identify with people who "love" being pregnant. Even ignoring the three weeks that I felt like ass, being pregnant just cramps my style. Getting fat, no drinking, tiring out easily....blah!

I always felt pregnancy and those first bits of infancy were like dating someone that you knew you would marry but you didn't know for sure that you loved them or liked them just yet.  You knew you would in time, it was just slowly happening.

[rbp]

Mar 11, 2014 2:54:17 GMT -5 VillainV said:

Definitely normal, especially at 20ish weeks.

You may start to bond more as your bump gets bigger or you feel more movement. H and I started bonding a little more when we found out the gender. And again a little more when we started setting up a nursery and started getting shower gifts. Having said that, it's STILL doesn't really feel "real" yet, and we're basically down to the wire :-)

I've known the sex since 12 weeks

Thanks swank, this is just how I feel. I have no doubts that I will love the baby in time, but I have no idea how to love a partially-formed parasite that I've never met.

[gerberdaisy]

I feel similarly. While I'm so happy and can't wait to meet him/her, its really hard to bond with something that still seems so intangible. We haven't purchased anything yet, and are in the process of buying a house, so don't have a nursery to start putting together.

I'm hoping that finding out the sex, seeing it again at the anatomy scan, starting to show, and feeling it move will help.

[rbp]

Oh, and I'm really uncomfortable with my bump. I feel like I look fat and everyone is staring at it. I am so accustomed to sucking in my belly, and it's getting too big for that!

[SJ]

Mar 11, 2014 8:15:43 GMT -5 swank said:

For me, bonding with the unborn child requires too much imagination. I guess I'm a pragmatist.

Sitting in this corner.

[Odonata]

Mar 11, 2014 9:24:07 GMT -5 SJ said:

Mar 11, 2014 8:15:43 GMT -5 swank said:

For me, bonding with the unborn child requires too much imagination. I guess I'm a pragmatist.

Sitting in this corner.

Yeah I'm here with you. I do this pre natal yoga and on the cover of the DVD it says"a great way for early communication to strengthen the bond with your baby"

my husband read it and said you really believe this shit? I said no, but it sure gets my ass in shape. And anything to help me delivery room I'm going to do.

there is a time for meditation in the DVD where you're supposed to look into your Womb and "communicate" with your baby. I just use that time to breathe and relax and meditate.

[anna7602]

The only reason I have anything at all for the baby is because I have done this before. But, the crib is still in my parents' basement, I am still lukewarm on the idea of converting the guest room into a baby's room and I have yet to go through all the boxes and bags in my storage unit to figure out what I actually kept and what I ended up giving away. (For example, I *think* I still have a baby bathtub and a space saver high chair, but I also vaguely recall telling a friend of mine that one of my neighbors had the key to our storage unit should she need to borrow some baby stuff while I was in France. I guess I should either ask her or check or both!)

I think you're okay. As far as "bonding" goes, for me, the biggest thing has just been taking care of myself and making my body a happy place for another life to develop. I feel like that's enough right now. Everything else can be ordered through Amazon prime should I need it quickly and decisions about bathrooms, nurseries, etc. will not impact the baby's development in any negative way.

[rbp]

Mar 11, 2014 9:29:21 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Mar 11, 2014 9:24:07 GMT -5 SJ said:

Sitting in this corner.

Yeah I'm here with you. I do this pre natal yoga and on the cover of the DVD it says"a great way for early communication to strengthen the bond with your baby"

my husband read it and said you really believe this shit? I said no, but it sure gets my ass in shape. And anything to help me delivery room I'm going to do.

there is a time for meditation in the DVD where you're supposed to look into your Womb and "communicate" with your baby. I just use that time to breathe and relax and meditate.

My prenatal yoga class is way too crunchy for me. We watch home birth videos LOL. But the yoga part is really good for me!

[Odonata]

Mar 11, 2014 10:06:25 GMT -5 rbp said:

Mar 11, 2014 9:29:21 GMT -5 Odonata said:

Yeah I'm here with you. I do this pre natal yoga and on the cover of the DVD it says"a great way for early communication to strengthen the bond with your baby"

my husband read it and said you really believe this shit? I said no, but it sure gets my ass in shape. And anything to help me delivery room I'm going to do.

there is a time for meditation in the DVD where you're supposed to look into your Womb and "communicate" with your baby. I just use that time to breathe and relax and meditate.

My prenatal yoga class is way too crunchy for me. We watch home birth videos LOL. But the yoga part is really good for me!

I am all for yoga. I'm not one to work out (if you ever see me running, you should probably run to because something is chasing me) but yoga is right at my pace and really does get results. I have this one DVD for strength and tone that I've been using for years, so I found out I was pregnant I bought prenatal one. When I'm finished, all the right muscle groups are sore, but in a good way. I love how they work all the muscles you will need for delivery. As well as the muscles will need for carrying to reduce hemorrhoids!