I am super type A. You should see the spreadsheet I have. That said, I'm "only" 24 weeks and we've been our of town, or workin long hours to deal with being out of town, for most of July. I have an incredible list, but we're not putting it into action until the first weekend of August. And then I want it all done by October 1.
I'll be honest: I would feel itchy about the approach your fronds are taking. But there is not much you can do about it, so you'll have to just watch and hold your breath, you know?
Post by definitelyO on Jul 18, 2012 15:36:31 GMT -5
I'm a huge planner and my friends like stress me the f-out. I'll admit it. they drive me crazy. I wouldn't say that I was judging them but it would be totally against my normal way of operating. I was never on the bump and somehow "knew" all the basics about having a baby and what they might need and what we would do and figured it out all by myself w/o the bump.
If it were me and they were this close of friends I'd offer to go shopping with her and plan an afternoon to get baby stuff done!
Honestly, a lot of what you end up doing with your LO you will learn through trial and error anyway. Also, when it comes to parenting, never say never or you will be constantly eating your words.
I was initially going to say that there is no rational reason for this to stress you out and it is probably you projecting your own anxieties on to them. Then I got to your post about the fact that she judges you for what you eat, so I understand a little better why you might be critical of her and just plain annoyed. (I know I would be) It sounds like you're both anxious and finding things to nitpick about each other. Thusly, I call it a draw.
Not really. A lot of that stuff will change once you have a baby, anyway. Plus they're taking an infant safety class so it sounds like they're on the right rack. I've found that people on the bump tend to "know" way more and prepare more than people who aren't.
I was just coming in to say the bolded part. Before the Nest and Bump, I wouldn't have known all that stuff either and I consider myself fairly intelligent.
This it true for me too. I didn't find the Bump until after I had DS2. And everything turned out fine. Don't worry, your friend will learn as she goes.
Sounds like there may be some at least mild jealousy and insecurity on both your parts. MYOB and see how things play out once the kids are here. If her child-rearing "philosophy" differs that greatly from yours, pull away. If you find that you can handle each other doing things differently with infants, so much the better.
Post by mollybrown on Jul 18, 2012 15:48:16 GMT -5
This is truly a non issue. I can't imagine feeling stress about what a friend has or hasn't done. I was very type A with my first pregnancy, and that's what allowed me to sleep at night. No baby has ever died because the parents ran around getting stuff ready at the last minute. How do you know all of the ways they aren't prepared? If you quiz them about these things, just don't ask anymore. If they share, make Baby Bargains and Baby 411 part of your gift to them to help them prepare (or whatever books you found useful).
Post by luvmagoldn on Jul 18, 2012 16:02:53 GMT -5
Ummm...no. Actually, I think most people over prepare before the baby arrives then figure out after the fact that things they swore they had to have, they never used.
I see nothing wrong with your friend's approach. It shouldn't bother you at all. Her pregnancy, her kid. As long as she feeds the baby something and keeps him/her warm she can figure out the rest as she goes.
So if she's asking you these questions, doesn't that mean she's preparing? Albeit, in her own way and slowly. Did she really berate your food choices or was it just communicated that she didn't want to eat certain things during pregnancy? I'm just not seeing what the big issue is.
How do you know all of the ways they aren't prepared? If you quiz them about these things, just don't ask anymore. If they share, make Baby Bargains and Baby 411 part of your gift to them to help them prepare (or whatever books you found useful).
We're over at each others' homes frequently, and yes, they share. I don't ask. She actually will email me or ask me specifically about certain things, and I'll offer my input. If it's about gear, I've explained why we chose what we did, what I know about other options (e.g., we chose this car seat for this reason, but our friends love their Graco SnugRide for this reason...), said (several times) that I found Baby Bargains incredibly helpful in weeding through all the options. Unfortunately, I can't just hand over my copy because it's on my Kindle.
Honestly I would consider not giving her such in depth advice. It sounds like she's relying on you to do all of her research. When she asks I would keep your answers short. We got model xyz.
Of course there's nothing wrong with discussing things. But it sounds like it's causing stress for you, which isn't really fair.
I was initially going to say that there is no rational reason for this to stress you out and it is probably you projecting your own anxieties on to them. Then I got to your post about the fact that she judges you for what you eat, so I understand a little better why you might be critical of her and just plain annoyed. (I know I would be) It sounds like you're both anxious and finding things to nitpick about each other. Thusly, I call it a draw.
This exactly! She's been judgy to you and now you're giving it back to her. You two have to stop picking on each other if you're going to stay friends as you raise these kids. There will be many more difficult decisions in both of your parenting lives than whether to eat some brie. You really need to support each other or just give each other some space.
I find that everyone has opinions about everything when it comes to babies and parenting in general. I could give two shits what other people say, truly. You have to learn to grow a thick skin since some people can be pretty obnoxious with their unsolicited opinions (and trust me, the comments during pregnancy is just the beginning).
With all that said, I consider myself a Type A yet I dragged ass when it came to preparing for the baby. I never got the nesting feeling either. When I met new mom friends after DS was born, a lot were pretty different from me. That never stopped us from hanging out almost every day. I think it has a lot to do with your personality in general and whether you come off as judgmental to others. Something about seeing/hearing someone make snarky comments will make you want to do the same, which is a normal and natural reaction.
The more you post, the more it seems like you really do not like this person. I second Token's prediction.
I'm just trying to explain myself, because I feel like my point is being misinterpreted as, "OMG they don't have a Boppy and Jumperoo! However will their baby survive?" when that's not the case at all. But you're right, as I try to explain and answer questions it does end up sounding like I just plain don't like them. Which isn't at all true. We're all great friends, but parallel pregnancies have had a strange effect on that; in some ways we're much closer, in others our differences are showing.
Sounds like Bride Wars, but with babies.
I would stop giving them advice. I think it bothers you that you take the time to try to educate them, and then they don't listen. That can be frustrating. You need to detach from them a little. Maybe bc you are friends and having babies at the same time, you feel partially responsible for them. You need to let that go and realize they will handle this baby in their own way, and you may not agree with how they do it. if you let yourself care too much, you will only frustrate yourself and possibly ruin the friendship.
Honestly, they'll figure it out. Babies come into this world in all kinds of ways and they get by. Don't worry so much.
Also: are they Russian? That's another culture where they don't buy stuff for the baby until they arrive. To prepare is considered a jinx or bad luck.
Post by nonsenseabound on Jul 18, 2012 17:33:00 GMT -5
Well, I gave birth at 36 w 6 days with my second. We had planned to move the crib, changing table and etc items on the day he was born. Oops. Dh had to go home and do it the next day.
I normally am very planned but that one got away from me.
She sounds overwhelmed, frankly. It's overwhelming. There are a gazillion needed things, plus the cute things, plus the just plain ridiculous things. How do you know she isn't asking you what carseat you're getting, then asking 3 other mom friends, who all got a different one, and is now trying to figure out which friend to listen to? Nothing wrong with that. I was scared to tell people our stroller choice after someone poo-poohed our choice because she's a stroller snob.
Post by cookiemdough on Jul 18, 2012 19:49:49 GMT -5
Looks down at ticker...
I just ordered my car seat on Tuesday and it arrived today. If for some reason I had gone into labor early there would have been no issue in DH going to the store and picking up one. I really don't get your judgment here.
I wouldn't be comfortable being so unprepared, but they will be fine. There's plenty of time after the baby's born to figure things out, and her doctors will explain Back to Sleep, etc. It actually sounds like she might be a little anxious about the birth or the baby's health. That could be keeping her from thinking too far ahead.
Post by tardyfortheparty on Jul 18, 2012 20:09:30 GMT -5
If she is 36 weeks, they could very well have 4 or 5 weeks until baby needs a crib or car seat. The hospital won't let them out without a car seat so I'm sure they will figure it out. I certainly had a crib and car seat well in advance of my due date, but that is my nature...and I certainly had no idea when my friends got their baby stuff...MYOB.
And full disclosure I tend(ed) to judge the super Type A's who thought they could buy everything in Babies R Us and that would mean they were "ready". It's a human, you take care of it. They'll figure it out. So will you. Just b/c you have a ton of crap doesn't mean you're more "ready" to be a parent than she is.
I judge things, for sure, but am self-aware enough to realize it's silly of me. And I'm sure I did/do plenty of things (or failed to do them) that are judge-worthy as well. For example, I got a used car seat that I had no idea whether it had even expired since I only needed it for the car ride home from the hospital. I used it a whole one other time after that before passing it on to someone else. Totally judge-worthy, but it all made sense at the time.
So, in short, I won't judge you for judging. But if seeing your friend is actually stressing you out, I don't know what to tell you.
There's no "big issue." I'm venting because it has me feeling confused and frustrated, but it's difficult to articulate why. What happens is she or he will ask a question, we'll explain what we've chosen and why, then the same question is asked a few weeks later. We've seriously been asked three different times which baby monitor we're planning to use. It's strange. Again, they're really good friends overall, and we have no conflicts otherwise (not that this is a "conflict," per se). No, she hasn't "berated" my food choices, but one example: we're at Jimmy John's grabbing a sandwich before that class. She asked what I'm getting, and I said turkey. She said, "Ugh, that sounds good. I wish I could have that. I can't wait to eat real food again after this baby comes." She ordered the veggie. And early in our pregnancies (first tri.), she was telling me about going to lunch with another friend who was about 8 months pregnant. She said she was "good" and ordered a salad, but other friend apparently ordered a reuben, and she said, "I judged her hardcore, but didn't say anything."
What's wrong with a reuben?
Are you sure this wasn't about the lunchmeats, which you aren't supposed to eat because of listeria? I microwaved cold cuts during pregnancy. Listeria is rare, but devastating. I would put it up there with getting the pertussis vaccine in terms of being cautious.
She actually will email me or ask me specifically about certain things, and I'll offer my input. If it's about gear, I've explained why we chose what we did, what I know about other options (e.g., we chose this car seat for this reason, but our friends love their Graco SnugRide for this reason...), said (several times) that I found Baby Bargains incredibly helpful in weeding through all the options. Unfortunately, I can't just hand over my copy because it's on my Kindle.
See, to me, this combined with what you said about her having panic attacks seems to indicate that she's not unprepared, she's probably so worried about choosing the "right" carseat that she can't make a decision.