Did/do you judge expectant-parent friends?

[drloretta]

No. They'll figure it out.

[Deleted]

Does she at least have a car seat to bring the kid home in?

[barefootcontessa]

I would not say you are a bitch but you sound like a bit of a busybody. At least they recognize they lacked knowledge and took an infant safety course. I do not see how their situation makes you stressed -- maybe you are deflecting your own anxiety.

I never decorated a nursery for my kids. When my first son was born, I had a car seat, a crib, some onesies, blankets, and diapers. Everything turned out fine.

[oregonpachey]

Jul 18, 2012 13:39:13 GMT -5 @mrswindycity said:

Not really. A lot of that stuff will change once you have a baby, anyway. Plus they're taking an infant safety class so it sounds like they're on the right rack. I've found that people on the bump tend to "know" way more and prepare more than people who aren't.

I was just coming in to say the bolded part. Before the Nest and Bump, I wouldn't have known all that stuff either and I consider myself fairly intelligent.

[h]

They really should get a car seat soon, but other than that, I don't see this as judge worthy. They obviously just have a very different approach than you (or I) do, but I am sure they will figure it out.

[frlcb]

Unless she is giving birth to my baby or doing physical harm to herself which would, in turn, harm the baby then it would be none of my business.

[dcrunnergirl]

Jul 18, 2012 13:38:56 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I would not say you are a bitch but you sound like a bit of a busybody. At least they recognize they lacked knowledge and took an infant safety course. I do not see how their situation makes you stressed -- maybe you are deflecting your own anxiety.

I never decorated a nursery for my kids. When my first son was born, I had a car seat, a crib, some onesies, blankets, and diapers. Everything turned out fine.

I agree with this. They'll figure it out. Also, they may be afraid to get anything ready b/c they're afraid something will happen with the baby and are paralyzed by fear. Once the baby is hear, they'll have no choice but to learn all the stuff you've been researching, and I'm sure the kid will be just fine.

[kasi]

Are you talking about me? So sounds like me. :0) I am 36 weeks along and haven't done much either. After the shower I went and bought things I felt we needed for the baby but aside from that I have done little else. I haven't really bought many clothes (my mom just surprised us with a box full so that will help). We haven't figured out where the baby's crib will go (a bit of story behind that one). We don't even have a crib yet. Not sure when we will get one. We have a cradle that was given to us so we know she will be in our room for the first few months until she outgrows the cradle. It'll give us time to figure it out. Breastfeeding is up in the air. I have looked at daycare facilities and have pricing on a few but that was months ago and I haven't done anything with that since. I will do that when I go on maternity leave. Not too worried about a wait list. We haven't taken any classes. Oh I was freaking out a little in early pregnancy so I hopped on Craigslist and bought many of the bigger items the baby will need. I have not had a freakout since where I felt I had to have everything ready.

I have an 11 year old daughter so I have been through the baby stage before. I'm much more laid back about getting ready for this one. There's not much you really need in the beginning anyway. There can be a plan in place but it may change based on what you find out works best for you and the baby. As for me, I plan to just roll with it. Normally I am pretty type A with planning but not on this matter.

[dr.girlfriend]

Well, unless you dragged them kicking and screaming to the infant safety class, they did that. I would also wonder if they really haven't decided these things or if they are pretending they haven't decided because they don't want feedback. (e.g., maybe she doesn't want to breastfeed but thinks you'll try to change her mind, or plans to co-sleep and thinks you'll have something to say about that, or doesn't plan to return to work after maternity but still wants the 12 weeks paid, etc.) Also, be aware that there are cultural differences in when people feel comfortable getting baby things. Some won't even have anything for the baby allowed in their house prior to the birth.

But I agree, some people are fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants kind of people, and it would drive me nuts but it works for them.

As far as the carseat goes, I know some hospitals provide carseats for low income families who don't have them, and I think a few people hold out for the "free carseat." Not sure if your friends are in that category, but it's not like she's going to get discharged same-day, and it only takes an hour to stop by BRU and pick up a carseat.

[CloudBee]

I agree that you're being a busybody. I can't believe you took the time to type all that up.

Who cares? Lots of people make do with minimal "gear", and merely use a pack and play.

[bunch]

Yeah, it would make me totally crazy to listen to that.

I have a friend who has a kid a few weeks older than mine and we don't hang out much anymore. I'll save my list of what we do differently, but sometimes when you're passionate about doing things a certain way for your kid, it makes it hard to be around someone with a completely different parenting philosophy or, in my case, my friend's total lack of one.

[CloudBee]

Jul 18, 2012 13:49:26 GMT -5 catbus said:

Jul 18, 2012 13:38:19 GMT -5 flygirl said:

Does she at least have a car seat to bring the kid home in?

No. Not yet. They're still deciding which one to get.

Eh, I know someone whose husband ran out and bought the car seat the day they brought the baby home from the hospital. Some people wait until the gifts stop coming in before they buy anything. You get tons of freebies at the hospital, too, so most small items don't need to be bought in advance.

[bunch]

Jul 18, 2012 13:54:01 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

I agree that you're being a busybody. I can't believe you took the time to type all that up.

Who cares? Lots of people make do with minimal "gear", and merely use a pack and play.

. Oh come on, why do we type up anything to share with the Internet?

[drloretta]

I honestly think you're feeling more self-conscious than judged about being an uber-planner. You're planning everything to the minute, they're figuring it out as they ago along. It works for plenty of people, and it will work for them (and your way will work for you).

[CloudBee]

Jul 18, 2012 13:55:47 GMT -5 bunch said:

Jul 18, 2012 13:54:01 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

I agree that you're being a busybody. I can't believe you took the time to type all that up.

Who cares? Lots of people make do with minimal "gear", and merely use a pack and play.

. Oh come on, why do we type up anything to share with the Internet?

I'm surprised because it just wasn't very interesting, after all that reading. I was waiting for the "OMG" moment, and there was no forte. LOL

[kangaroo11]

I'm the type of girl dcrunnergirl is talking about. I'm normally a planner (I have had every day of my family's 2 1/2 week Italy/France trip in Oct planned since May), but we haven't even discussed a single baby name yet. I'm terrified something bad will happen and the thought of returning baby clothes or furniture sucks.

By 36 weeks, your friend should have started to think about getting stuff together, but I can't guarantee that I even will be able to do that. It seems like there's a lot of stuff you *can* get for baby, yet most isn't required, so maybe she's just waiting until baby arrives safely, and then get into gear on actually having it.

[Ashley&Scott]

I'm a planner, so I get why it's bugging you. There's not much you can (or should) do though. If her DH wants to run around getting the car seat & any other essentials they need while she's in the hospital then that's their issue. If it were me I would stop talking about it, otherwise I would continue to think..."omg they haven't done xyz either..."

Like Bncha we also know a couple that makes completely different parenting choices. We just don't talk about it, which helps.

[blue1980]

I am very type A too, but a lot of moms aren't...and their kids are just fine. Some people are superstitious about buying a lot of baby stuff before the baby arrives. And really, the first few weeks there is not a whole lot of "stuff" you really need. Sometimes I am envious of more laid back parents. I think I cause myself a lot of unnecessary stress by planning and worrying about every little thing. Please don't let different personalities/parenting styles ruin your friendship.

[Ashley&Scott]

Jul 18, 2012 14:20:20 GMT -5 catbus said:

Jul 18, 2012 14:10:31 GMT -5 @msstarry said:

I think I fall in the category of an expectant mom people would judge vs being the judger. I am pretty far behind on a variety of thing and lax about the pregnancy "rules." I feel like I am doing fine from a normal person perspective but probably not so well from the mommy wars type perspective.

At any rate, I really try not to judge other pregnants unless they are doing something blatantly dangerous, like crack. I figure there are enough other people willing to judge that I don't have to

I agree with your last paragraph. I am very lax on the pregnancy "rules" because I think a lot of them are made for women lacking in common sense. So what's been tricky, and I mentioned in the OP (which I don't blame you for not reading fully) is that she has followed the rules religiously. No getting her hair dyed, no pedicures, no deli meat, no soft cheeses, etc., and has made "must be nice"-type comments about my choices to largely continue these and other behaviors. (I generally respond with something about how I've done my research and feel comfortable getting my hair done in a well-ventilated salon, or eating pasteurized soft cheese, etc.)
So it's doubly hard for me to not say anything about their choices. Which is why I feel like a bitch.

Honestly the "must be nice" comments would probably upset me enough that I would respond with something like, "haha well I would be stressed not having a car seat yet... "

[Deleted]

I will say that I find Type A parents and Type B parents don't mix well.

So don't be shocked if you're not BFF's after the babies arrive. I have totally gravitated to moms who are more like me and don't pursue time with those that are totally different. Maybe that sounds harsh, but at this point in time, it's too hard to avoid a giant swath of conversation to avoid hurt feelings.

[beer]

Really the only thing they will need after they leave the hospital is a car seat. They will get free diapers, formula if necessary. My kid slept in his car seat for a month in our room. They don't really need clothes if it is warm out and they will get free blankets at the hospital. Anything they decide they need they can pick up pretty easily.
We didnt' even discuss names until we were at the hospital.

[liveintheville]

I sucked at planning. My family threw me a surprise shower when we were visiting them and I hadn't even registered yet. They just bought what they figured I'd need.

We didn't take our birth class until 3rd tri. We were with all the other slackers who waited until 3rd tri. 2 people had their babies before the class happened.

When I went into labor I didn't have a bag packed and we had installed the car seat a couple days prior. Oh and I was shopping at babies r us the day before kid 1 was born.

[liveintheville]

Jul 18, 2012 14:30:01 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I will say that I find Type A parents and Type B parents don't mix well.

So don't be shocked if you're not BFF's after the babies arrive. I have totally gravitated to moms who are more like me and don't pursue time with those that are totally different. Maybe that sounds harsh, but at this point in time, it's too hard to avoid a giant swath of conversation to avoid hurt feelings.

See, we haven't had any issues with this. Our best friends, also, have 2 kids. Kid1 is 4 months older than their oldest son. And kid 2 is only eleven days younger than their second son.

They are huge planners. They were always several steps ahead of us in the planning phase. We're still best friends and our kids are best friends.

[Deleted]

I'm mostly talking about the friends I made on mat leave. I'm hoping the ones I've had for years will survive this. I suspect my BFF and I are going to be polar opposites, but she hasn't had kids yet.

But when I was calling up moms from my mom's group to hang with, it was going to be the ones that didn't judge me for breastfeeding in public, cosleeping, cloth diapering, etc. , not the ones that went on about getting their baby on a schedule STAT and how many hours they can leave her in an exersaucer.

Maybe Type A and B was the wrong distinction for that.

ETA: You know no one here judges anyone. For anything. Ever. Definitely not for not knowing basic childcare principles like "Back to Sleep" that have been promoted for 20 years.

[noodleoo]

All I have to say, is if this is bothering you this much now, I can't imagine you can stay friends once you have the babies. This is their kid, not yours, and you honestly sound kind of like a jerk for totally judging them. They will figure it out on their own and you have no right to judge them. I fear you will be doing the same thing when you are neurotic about every little thing with your baby and they are much more easy going about dealing with their baby. Are you going to be comparing every milestone between your kids and talking shit about what crappy parents they are behind their back?

MYOB. They are obviously very different type of parent than you and I have no idea why you are stressing over their preparation.

[starlily]

Jul 18, 2012 13:38:56 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I would not say you are a bitch but you sound like a bit of a busybody. At least they recognize they lacked knowledge and took an infant safety course. I do not see how their situation makes you stressed -- maybe you are deflecting your own anxiety.

I never decorated a nursery for my kids. When my first son was born, I had a car seat, a crib, some onesies, blankets, and diapers. Everything turned out fine.

Agreed. My DD decided to arrive before I had either of my baby showers, so we had pretty much nothing on hand. The intended nursery was still full of non-baby stuff. Everything still turned out fine.

[badtzmaru22]

MYOB. I washed one newborn outfit and one 0-3 outfit before my baby was born because I was having extreme anxiety about something going wrong. I was literally in tears the weekend of my due date because I decided to bite the bullet and cut a few tags off things. I'd had a previous m/c and years ago I had my bridal shower, and then two weeks before the wedding, DH (then FI) had a horrible accident and almost died, and I had all these wedding gifts laying around staring at me while I wondered if there was ever even going to be a wedding (there was, six months later. He's fine now) but that added to my anxiety, and barely agreed to even have a baby shower.

Anyway, maybe they are just more laid back, but maybe there's something more going on. Just try to carry on your normal friendship and stop worrying that she hasn't (as far as you know) been preparing.

[beachdweller]

Although I am Type A about every other aspect of life, I was like your friend. Part of it was that I was working 70 hours a week in a demanding job and was just too tired to nest. Part of it didn't seem real in terms of having the baby and I kept thinking I would go overdue like most FTMs. When I went into PTL at 34 weeks, I then flipped the fuck out. Next day, I had DH picking up a bassinnett I found the night before on Craigslist, ordered a car seat on Amazon, etc. They'll figure it out -- it's not like dad can't run to Target and grab a car seat after delivery, etc.

[mrssandro]

OMG that post was long and lame. I think you are over-analyzing your friend. Just focus on your baby and your experience and let them live their life they way they want to.

[hannamaren]

I waited my entire pregnancy for that nesting thing to kick in. Never did.
However, I made myself get ready. After 32ish weeks, we did all the big stuff. I was constantly reading about what to buy but didnt pull the trigger until later. I think I was a little scared.
But I had my kid on the daycare waiting list before we even told our families!