Poll: Do you put your spouse before your

[spedrunner]

children?

I know this is sort of controversial.

I do not have my own children yet so I am not sure how I will feel, but i know families on both sides of this.

[mypunkinpie]

Jul 18, 2012 14:51:34 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

In what way do you mean?

I'm with Tamb. I don't think the question is that cut and dry.

[spedrunner]

shine.yahoo.com/parenting/loving-husband-more-kids-key-good-life-181900983.html

[WOT?*]

In some ways yes. A parent's job is to raise their children to be independent and self-sufficient and to eventually move on and out. A spouse's job is "forever." And it's a parent's job to show their children a healthy and happy partnership, also part of prioritizing your spouse (healthily.)

[jaylea]

I think it's a give and take. You balance everything.

If my kids were in danger of being harmed, they would obviously come first. But that's not a consideration in my household.

So on the day to day, I find my marriage to be very important in keeping my kids in a happy, healthy home. That said, I think we both focus on the kids first, as we are responsible for giving them a good life.

[Deleted]

Making my *marriage* a priority is MUCH different than putting my husband before my kids, in every way shape and form.

[iamali]

Jul 18, 2012 14:55:10 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

Making my *marriage* a priority is MUCH different than putting my husband before my kids, in every way shape and form.

THIS.

[melindafelinda]

Making your marriage a priority doesn't mean you are putting your husband ahead of your kids. So pretty much her title and the title of this poll is dumb and pointless. A better question is "do you try to make your marriage a priority." It's just not titillating so no one would read it.

[jaylea]

Jul 18, 2012 15:02:09 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

I thought you might be asking which one I'd be more likely to take a bullet for, and that is for sure Joanna. lol

Same here. And I can guarantee H would answer the same way.

I'll also say I would WANT him to answer the same way!

[Deleted]

We work as a team to protect and provide for our kid.

There is no picking one over the other. Unless it was a situation where it was choosing between a child getting hurt, or an adult. Both DH and I would choose to protect our child.

[sugarbear]

I don't feel like I've ever been put in this position, but offhand I'd say that DH can fend for himself if necessary, but DS cannot.

So, no.
(but I would say that my marriage is my first priority, and kids fall under that umbrella)

[hubes]

My 6' 7" DH can bathe himself and feed himself much, much better than my two-year-old. Right now T's needs are ahead of pretty much everyone.

Needs however- not wants and whims.

[karmasabiotch]

Psychological studies have shown that women put their children first and men put their wives first.

[statlerwaldorf]

I think there needs to be a balance and I can't really compare the two. I think the best thing that we can do for her overall is show her how to communicate and work in a partnership. I can tell her how, but actions speak louder than words. I put a lot of effort into our marriage and our communication. Even at 3, she soaks up all of our interactions and I think those little things will shape her mind.

But I don't think by making our marriage a priority, I am putting DH first.

[ECB]

Jul 18, 2012 14:55:10 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

Making my *marriage* a priority is MUCH different than putting my husband before my kids, in every way shape and form.

Totally agree with this.

[wildorchid363]

Jul 18, 2012 15:05:30 GMT -5 karmasabiotch said:

Psychological studies have shown that women put their children first and men put their wives first.

disagree that this can be shown



I don't think this is a situation where anyone is truly putting one person ahead of another but rather it is about the dynamic of having a family and a marriage and balancing everyone's needs

*full disclosure- we don't have kids yet

[Cayl]

Jul 18, 2012 14:55:10 GMT -5 ninjabridemom said:

Making my *marriage* a priority is MUCH different than putting my husband before my kids, in every way shape and form.

I completely agree with this. I know a few women who once they had kids completely changed and their entire focus is on the kids to the point that the only role their husbands play is that of dad and I don't think that's good. I also think it's great for kids to see their parents affectionate with each other and having a strong, healthy, loving marriage. But that doesn't mean that I would ever put my spouse's well-being ahead of my children's well-being, or that I would expect/want him to put mine first either.

[Deleted]

Jul 18, 2012 15:11:15 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

"But the kisses she and my dad shared in the toy aisle, their constant holding hands, and their long vacations sans kids while we stayed with the grandparents told me otherwise. She loved my dad more. "

WTF? I don't see family as a big competition. Taking care of our children and each other are not in conflict. Hugging my child doesn't make me less likely to hug her dad. Is the author particularly young?

She sounds like a bitter child.

How dare mommy and daddy want some fucking alone time. Unless grandma made them stay in the attic lest they be overheard by the servants, I'd kindly like homegirl to sit down.

[scotty]

I don't have children, but I look at my dogs like kids. I tend to find that they are my priority.

[Muddled]

She does sound bitter. Odd, you'd think it was a good thing that her parents loved each other.

[Deleted]

Well, I feel like my relationship with my husband is deeper and he's more "on my side" I guess. I look forward to it being just him and me again one day.

However, if it comes to meeting his immediate needs or the children's, the children win every time.

I don't really know what's ideal. I think maybe this is one of those things you can't standardize.

[mamasaurus]

Nope. Well, I try not to, anyways. Sometimes I need to compromise to keep the peace (see: The Diaper Wars).

I will pick bad wife over bad mom any day. My H tends to disagree with me over when I am doing something because it puts her before him vs. puts myself before him, but the line is pretty blurry since I lose my sh*t if she screams for any prolonged amount of time.

Also, as the child of somebody whose mother put men first pretty much always, I know how much that fucking hurts, so the second I ever start to feel guilty because I didn't take H's stuff to the cleaners because my baby was fussy all day and I didn't want to take her out just as soon as she finally fell asleep (or whatever), I remind myself of this. Putting my kid first needs to be a habit I never break.

[Deleted]

I don't have children.

But even I know that children always come first.

[bab]

This topic was an episode of Oprah several years ago. That is all I have to add.

[eddy]

My marriage is a priority and that didn't change with children. I guess that is my answer. Some days we put j in front of the tv so we can unwind with wine. Other days his needs are so great that it is 9 pm and we realize we havent even asked each other about their day. It judt depends on the day.

[malibu]

I know I put my child before our marriage. She's not quite two, and is the most self-centered (although quite loveable) time-suck in the world right now, as all toddlers are. I know once she's a little more self-sufficient in a year or two, things will even out, but I'm finding that having a toddler makes the entire household child-centric.

[silverhammer]

My mom told me once that she loved my dad more than me. In a way I guess it's nice that my parents love each other and I grew up in a stable home, but my dad decided a few months back that he wanted to cut me out of his life and told my mom she wasn't allowed to call me so she had to do it in secret when he wasn't around. Now he's changed his mind (again) and everyone acts like everything's normal and we're a big happy family. It really bugs me that my mom put him first in that situation. *Debbie downer*

[silverhammer]

Jul 18, 2012 16:36:31 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Jul 18, 2012 16:31:57 GMT -5 silverhammer said:

I grew up in a stable home, but my dad decided a few months back that he wanted to cut me out of his life

That is not a stable home.

It was when I was growing up. The family's Mormon, I chose not to be, that was their gut reaction. I blame it on a cult mentality rather than my parent's actual personalities.

[Muddled]

Jul 18, 2012 16:18:59 GMT -5 TR said:

Jul 18, 2012 15:33:40 GMT -5 Muddled said:

She does sound bitter. Odd, you'd think it was a good thing that her parents loved each other.

She says in the article that she's glad they did. She words it strangly, saying that her mom loved her dad more than her which is stupid, but she comes to the conclusion that focusing on the marriage is very important.

I was not able to load the article for whatever reason. I just saw the quote that Sonrisa posted.

She comes across as though it's a competition and that doesn't make any sense to me. I highly doubt that her mom loved her dad "more" than she loved her. She sounds like my MIL and it's ridiculous.

I agree with her point that marriage should be a priority, but I don't think it's healthy to even try to keep score as to who loves who more. How do you measure it?

[speckledfrog]

Jul 18, 2012 15:58:22 GMT -5 mamasaurus said:

Nope. Well, I try not to, anyways. Sometimes I need to compromise to keep the peace (see: The Diaper Wars).

I will pick bad wife over bad mom any day. My H tends to disagree with me over when I am doing something because it puts her before him vs. puts myself before him, but the line is pretty blurry since I lose my sh*t if she screams for any prolonged amount of time.

Also, as the child of somebody whose mother put men first pretty much always, I know how much that fucking hurts, so the second I ever start to feel guilty because I didn't take H's stuff to the cleaners because my baby was fussy all day and I didn't want to take her out just as soon as she finally fell asleep (or whatever), I remind myself of this. Putting my kid first needs to be a habit I never break.

This seems like you are going in the opposite extreme.


I agree with PPs, it's all about balance.