why i don't do frg events

[basilosaurus]

This just came to my email

This month's theme...Social Scrapbooking!

Come one, come all and join us as we explore the wonders of scrapbooking...no experience necessary!

What to bring:

-10 photos of your choice and a package of "glue dots" from Ben Franklin or Walmart.

-A dessert to share among friends.

Helpful Hints:

*We're gathering in Ewa Beach and we hope to meet some new spouses from the Ewa/Waipahu/Kapolei areas!

For those not familiar with Oahu, it's a suburb, far enough away (in traffic) from the main area as to be inaccessible. Except, almost everyone mil I know lives there, so it's not like it's hard to meet mil families. Events are almost always in that area.

For frg planners, scrapbooking, glue dots, and pictures are not a way to recruit fun spouses. You couldn't pay me enough to go to this monthly meeting. I feel like I'd have to be 70 with a bejeweled shirt to attend. I can't remember the last time I printed a picture that wasn't a professional print that I intended to frame.

[beans]

I've never even heard or been told about an frg event in real life. I only know such a thing exists because of tn. DH thinks his old unit maybe had one, but where he worked was like more than half civilians. He is in a weird training/cross station with the Army right now. We have no idea what they're up to.

I don't think I'd go to that and I am a crafty type person.

[basilosaurus]

frg is new to me b/c H is AF, and frg is an army thing. Sure we had a few spouse things overseas, but it wasn't like this.

They have my email b/c the (paid!) frg lady works across the hall from him. I have never given them a contact of any kind, but he confirmed my email for me. In good faith, I might add, that I'd only be sent emails about things that matter. This shit doesn't matter.

[beans]

Glittery photo scrapbooking matters sibil!!1!!1 Gahhh.

[basilosaurus]

heart links I think is an orientation/propaganda program. I've never been to one, but I got the impression it was for new/young spouses (I was a new spouse at 27, but they didn't seem to target me), and a way to support your partner's decision to re-enlist. It never struck me as a way to help you decide if you want to re-enlist, just a way to support the decision he already made.

I could be entirely wrong since I never went.

[audette]

Scrapbooking isn't my thing, but I'd probably still make an effort to go.

The activities aren't really critical at these - they're more just a basis for socializing, hanging out, and (frequently) drinking wine...


Heck, the last "crafty" FRG thing I went to I didn't do the craft, but I did get a chance to meet the other spouses and get to know a few faces.

[basilosaurus]

But why socialize with spouses? Are they offering something my non-mil-spouse friends aren't?

I think that's my problem with it. If I'm going to drive for an hour to do an activity that I have no interest in, then I hope they're at least competition to my friends. If they're not offering anything beyond the activity and meeting a coworker's spouse, is there value in that?

If I was lonely or knew no one, then ok. But when I first moved to the island, not only did my sponsor avoid seeing me in person, I met about 50 people through meetup who introduced me to other people not in attendance I might like. Who, I might add, lived in my area.

My point is, in reference to recent frg posts, you have to have something compelling beyond the fact that our spouses have the same employer. Offer either an interesting activity or a reason that meeting a spouse matters.

[amaristella]

What counts as an interesting activity will tend to differ from one person to the next(clearly). Our group is going blueberry picking next month because one person brought up the idea and enough other people wanted to go too. The board doesn't expect every single person to want (or be able) to go.

To me, the FRG is there for the people who need it or who want it. If you don't need or want it, might as well just ignore all their emails. I've even told people who inquired about the group I'm in that if you're all set with your own activities and social group you don't need to feel pressured into going to meetings. To each their own.

[audette]

The primary reason FRG's exist is for communication and information dissemination.

The scrapbooking is fluff on top of that to make the whole thing a bit more enjoyable (for those that aren't dead set against scrapbooking - any activity would work for this, ideally one that most members enjoy).

FRG's exist for unit readiness. So that the unit knows it has a method in which to contact families, and a method in which they can provide information about unit events/activities/deployments/exercises/whatever. It also allows for spouse to spouse contact, which can be useful if a spouse needs assistance while their servicemember is deployed.

I've met a few really cool people via the unit FRG. I'm still in contact with some of them, years later. Do I _need_ the information/contact I get from the FRG? No, not really. But I understand it's purpose as an information lifeline, and I support that.

[twodogsandababy]

H is on an aircraft carrier, and I know no local spouses. Sometimes I think it would be nice to meet some to hang out with when they are gone. I've gone to a couple FRG functions and have never been happy I have gone. I feel like a loner snob at the meetings, but really.... One girl made her own shirt out of cut up uniforms that said "Navy Wife" and had hearts and crap all over it. And she wears it EVERY meeting...and people go gaga over it! The board members at the last meeting I went to were downright rude to people that asked questions.

Plus, on the FB group, someone posted a link to an etsy shop that made necklaces showing ranks. Several of the girls commented that they needed them.

I feel like a creeper, because I really do want to meet a friend that I can relate to regarding ship life, but I am not finding anyone I click with at the meetings or online. We do not live on base and H prefers to hang out with our civilian friends when he is home.

[NomadicMama]

Why do you bother opening their emails? You seem to have such contempt for the FRG and what they do, why waste your time?

Ask to be removed from the mailing list, or have the emails sent to your husband, if you feel so strongly that the FRG has nothing to offer you. Problem solved.

[Jam]

Jul 19, 2012 4:42:15 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

Why do you bother opening their emails? You seem to have such contempt for the FRG and what they do, why waste your time?

Ask to be removed from the mailing list, or have the emails sent to your husband, if you feel so strongly that the FRG has nothing to offer you. Problem solved.

Werd.

Adding to what PP said earlier, the FRG is also there to provide resources for the families who need them.

I can understand not having a personal interest in participating but I can't understand the over the top/yelling from the roof tops attitude about how much you think FRGs suck and how you think everyone should feel that same way. At least that's been my interpretation of your posts regarding them these past couple of weeks.

There are actually men, women and families who aren't as social as you (can go up to a stranger) and NEED to have that connection with other mil families (especially during a deployment) or else they'd go crazy. Those of us who don't have children aren't exactly the "norm" and many families can't take the opportunity to travel while their spouse is away so many of them are stuck at the SM's duty station. Providing them with opportunities to connect with other families in the same situation is important and while I have no interest in any of the activities we do, I participate (unless I have school, work or something else) because I know it boosts morale.

That may make me a weirdo but fuck it, I'm okay with that.

If you have no interest in participating or receiving information through them, ask them to remove you from the mailing lists. If you have a POC they should be contacting you with any important information. Although, every FRG is different so I can't say that for sure.

[krista]

Jul 19, 2012 4:42:15 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

Why do you bother opening their emails? You seem to have such contempt for the FRG and what they do, why waste your time?

Ask to be removed from the mailing list, or have the emails sent to your husband, if you feel so strongly that the FRG has nothing to offer you. Problem solved.

ditto. In 12 years, I've never participated in an FRG event. I was even fortunate enough to not have to run an FRG when my husband was in command. It's not my thing, and I don't really need it. However, I'm generally in the minority. A LOT of spouses like them and enjoy participating in social functions. And unlike you, a lot of military spouses do like meeting each other and have more in common than a common employer.

Your disdain for the military and all things related gets kind of old sometimes.

[beans]

Uh, I don't think Sibil is trying to get everyone to hate the FRG. She's giving a real life example as a response to the earlier post of what should we do for FRG meetings. She's saying she wouldn't want to go to an event that doesn't interest her and is far away. She is encouraging more interesting activities that appeal to a wider variety of people.

I also don't get "distain" from Sibil regarding the military. She's not all "hoorah I'm a mil wife with a glittery ABU bag and dog tags" but distain... that's pretty strong. I have never picked up on that. Why all the Sibil hate?

[krista]

Actually, she specifically asked why she should socialize with spouses and what value there would be in it. That's not a bit eye roll worthy?
I don't hate Sibil. But, she has been very vocal with her criticism of the military for years. It does get old. Surely I'm not the only one that's noticed it?

[beans]

Jul 19, 2012 14:12:50 GMT -5 krista said:

Actually, she specifically asked why she should socialize with spouses and what value there would be in it. That's not a bit eye roll worthy?
I don't hate Sibil. But, she has been very vocal with her criticism of the military for years. It does get old. Surely I'm not the only one that's noticed it?

I guess I won't speak for her, if she'd like she can come back and speak for herself. I never got that she *hated* the military. She asked why she should hang out with people she has no shared interest with, other than the fact that their spouses are both in the military. I don't want to hang out with people I don't have anything in common with either, military or not. If she has no interest in scrapbooking, then why should she go scrapbook? She's saying (from what I picked up) that if FRGs would like to get other people involved, to diversify their events. Because someone had just asked how to get people more interested in FRG events. As someone who hasn't really been interested in those events, I think hearing from her would be of value to those ladies planning such events.

Not every spouse is all gung-ho hoorah, and why do they have to be? Yes, I pick up on that she's not looking to have her only identity to be a military spouse and gets frustrated with things, but hearing a differing opinion is good ever now and then. She obviously comes over here to this forum, and (from what I remember and pay attention to) doesn't spend 100% of her time bashing military or spouses.

[crimewatcher]

Jul 19, 2012 14:12:50 GMT -5 krista said:

Actually, she specifically asked why she should socialize with spouses and what value there would be in it. That's not a bit eye roll worthy?
I don't hate Sibil. But, she has been very vocal with her criticism of the military for years. It does get old. Surely I'm not the only one that's noticed it?

I diddo this. I'm a newb and I'm already over it. I am a military spouse and by no means all about the Military, I go to FRG and base events to meet others that have something in common with me- a spouse in the military. (I also do it to stay informed on what's going on in the AF .. tempo). I've met some really cool and some crazy people. Color me arrogant but I think I'm cool and worthy of meeting. I also love to scrapbook so for me I take her comments pretty personal. I get that it's not every style but apparently Sibil couldn't let it go.

I also find it counter intuitive to say Military spouses in general serve no purpose to her (Sibil) yet she continues to post here..... A Military spouse forum.

[beans]

Jul 18, 2012 21:55:12 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

But why socialize with spouses? Are they offering something my non-mil-spouse friends aren't?

I think that's my problem with it. If I'm going to drive for an hour to do an activity that I have no interest in, then I hope they're at least competition to my friends. If they're not offering anything beyond the activity and meeting a coworker's spouse, is there value in that?

If I was lonely or knew no one, then ok. But when I first moved to the island, not only did my sponsor avoid seeing me in person, I met about 50 people through meetup who introduced me to other people not in attendance I might like. Who, I might add, lived in my area.

My point is, in reference to recent frg posts, you have to have something compelling beyond the fact that our spouses have the same employer. Offer either an interesting activity or a reason that meeting a spouse matters.

I don't get from what she wrote here (or in the past really) that she thinks all military wives suck and she is so above hanging out with any of them, and why the hell would she ever want to spend her time with them??!?!

The bolded above indicate to me that she doesn't feel that she has anything in common with these women. She wants an FRG to give her something other than meeting her H's coworker's spouses doing an activity that she doesn't want to do. I am not sure if you're reading the same thing as me? or maybe you are really just stuck on the notion that she hates all things military related and now anything she posts is going to be "I hate the military and the FRG sucks, and you all are idiots if you disagree"? I am not sure why I am arguing about Sibil's opinions about the military spouses... I just think there is this super negative opinion I don't know is deserved.

[krista]

Jul 19, 2012 15:24:30 GMT -5 beans said:

Jul 19, 2012 14:12:50 GMT -5 krista said:

Actually, she specifically asked why she should socialize with spouses and what value there would be in it. That's not a bit eye roll worthy?
I don't hate Sibil. But, she has been very vocal with her criticism of the military for years. It does get old. Surely I'm not the only one that's noticed it?

Not every spouse is all gung-ho hoorah, and why do they have to be?

They don't. Like I said, I have never participated in an FRG event in 12 years. I am about as far from gung ho hoorah (or hooah if you're Army ) as you can get. I simply don't understand the negativity and bitching that "this shit doesn't matter", and that she needs a damn good reason to want to meet another military spouse. If she doesn't want to participate, obviously she doesn't have to. no big deal. I just prefer she keep the condescending attitude to herself. Clearly, it's insulting to people like crimewatcher who do like to scrapbook and meet other spouses.

[krista]

we posted at the same time. I guess you take her criticism as constructive. I take it as condescending. we'll have to agree to disagree unless she wants to clarify.

[crimewatcher]

Jul 18, 2012 21:55:12 GMT -5 basilosaurus said:

But why socialize with spouses? Are they offering something my non-mil-spouse friends aren't?

I think that's my problem with it. If I'm going to drive for an hour to do an activity that I have no interest in, then I hope they're at least competition to my friends. If they're not offering anything beyond the activity and meeting a coworker's spouse, is there value in that?

If I was lonely or knew no one, then ok. But when I first moved to the island, not only did my sponsor avoid seeing me in person, I met about 50 people through meetup who introduced me to other people not in attendance I might like. Who, I might add, lived in my area.

My point is, in reference to recent frg posts, you have to have something compelling beyond the fact that our spouses have the same employer. Offer either an interesting activity or a reason that meeting a spouse matters.

Check the sentence before Beans quoted.
"Do they offer something my non-mil friends don't"

Which based on the entire tone of the post- I read as they/we don't.

Not to mention her last sentence where Sibil says "Offer a reason.... that meeting a spouse matters"

Personally, I am not as picky about who I meet. I'm not a huge fan of people that are like - give me a reason to be your friend. or give me x y z reason to do this. I am the type of person that gives everyone a chance or is everyone friends until they give me a reason not to be.

[crimewatcher]

Jul 19, 2012 15:49:22 GMT -5 krista said:

Jul 19, 2012 15:24:30 GMT -5 beans said:

Not every spouse is all gung-ho hoorah, and why do they have to be?

They don't. Like I said, I have never participated in an FRG event in 12 years. I am about as far from gung ho hoorah (or hooah if you're Army ) as you can get. I simply don't understand the negativity and bitching that "this shit doesn't matter", and that she needs a damn good reason to want to meet another military spouse. If she doesn't want to participate, obviously she doesn't have to. no big deal. I just prefer she keep the condescending attitude to herself. Clearly, it's insulting to people like crimewatcher who do like to scrapbook and meet other spouses.

It is insulting.. but that is her deal. I'm not the type to let people I don't know get to me.

[beans]

Uhhh ok.

[texaswildflower]

Jul 19, 2012 11:26:22 GMT -5 Jam said:

Jul 19, 2012 4:42:15 GMT -5 NomadicMama said:

Why do you bother opening their emails? You seem to have such contempt for the FRG and what they do, why waste your time?

Ask to be removed from the mailing list, or have the emails sent to your husband, if you feel so strongly that the FRG has nothing to offer you. Problem solved.

Werd.

Adding to what PP said earlier, the FRG is also there to provide resources for the families who need them.

I can understand not having a personal interest in participating but I can't understand the over the top/yelling from the roof tops attitude about how much you think FRGs suck and how you think everyone should feel that same way. At least that's been my interpretation of your posts regarding them these past couple of weeks.

There are actually men, women and families who aren't as social as you (can go up to a stranger) and NEED to have that connection with other mil families (especially during a deployment) or else they'd go crazy. Those of us who don't have children aren't exactly the "norm" and many families can't take the opportunity to travel while their spouse is away so many of them are stuck at the SM's duty station. Providing them with opportunities to connect with other families in the same situation is important and while I have no interest in any of the activities we do, I participate (unless I have school, work or something else) because I know it boosts morale.

That may make me a weirdo but fuck it, I'm okay with that.

If you have no interest in participating or receiving information through them, ask them to remove you from the mailing lists. If you have a POC they should be contacting you with any important information. Although, every FRG is different so I can't say that for sure.

I agree. I also think her posts come off as condescending.

[NomadicMama]

I don't dislike Sibil, but I find her posts to sometimes be condescending to military spouses. Though, the irony is not lost on me that she comes here to complain about FRG activities and formal military functions.

[beachy]

Not everyone has to like the FRG or what they do. Generally it seems they will ask for ideas of things to do, and plan events that a decent amount of people are interested in. If that's not for you, no big deal. Either don't go, or go and try something different. A lot of people though rely on the FRG to get out and meet people when they first get to an area or during deployments. I don't think anything less of people who go or don't go. But I think it's dumb to criticize the wives who do attend because it's an activity you don't like.

To me if you don't like the FRG either completely ignore it all, or do something to change it. Offer suggestions of events you would be interested in, or apply for a position with them to make it something you think would be more appealing to people.

[iluvmytxrgr]

I honestly don't get the bitching about this meeting. I mean, if you don't want to friggin scrapbook, no one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to do it. As someone involved in deciding what what we do at our get togethers. We try to involve as many people as possible. They may have had many requests for scrapbooking. I tried my hand at it when I was a young mom, but my ADD just couldn't handle it. It's not my thing. I go and talk to people, eat free food and meet a few new wives. Not everyone there is into it either, they are just looking for a mentor wive who has been around a while or a new friend.
If you don't like their ideas for meetings, get involved and suggest a few things. We do pub crawls, beach parties, wine tastings, several different book clubs based on what people like, Bible study groups, knitting clubs, food clubs and a ton of other stuff.
Either go and help change it into something you like or get off the mailing list and stop whining about it.

[texaswildflower]

I understand not being into certain activities offered. I also understand being hesitant about meeting young/immature/entitled spouses. But that doesn't mean she won't meet quality people and that all FRG functions are crappy.

I'm annoyed with the comments she's made in this post and in Jam's FRG post not too long ago. I was a FRO volunteer, and attended various functions. I also made some great friends that I am actually closer to than anyone else I've met outside of the FRO activities.

[NomadicMama]

Stan, I get the distinct feeling that when Sibil's husband gets out of the AF, she will be quite relieved to never have to associate with another military spouse again, unless, of course, they prove themselves to be fun, interesting and worthy of her friendship.

This current thread seems to be the most blatant, but the tenor of what she shares here is that the military cramps her style--and her judgement of others who enjoy and/or appreciate the military lifestyle.

[basilosaurus]

Well, I certainly ruffled some feathers.

First, I don't hate the military, or those in it. I do have dear mil spouse friends. I can see how my posts can come across that was as I certainly get frustrated with it. I think I use this board to bitch about military related things, so the impression isn't indicative of my overall attitude. I'll take that criticism and keep it in mind.

But, yes, I posted this because there have been a few posts recently about trying to get more people to do frg events. I normally delete my emails and move on (and, no, I'm not going to out myself to them as actively not wanting to be included), but this was a perfect example of what I talk about when I say events should appeal to a broader group.

When I ask for a reason to hang out with spouses, I'm actually looking for an answer. If you want me to drive an hour, I want a decent reason. It's not a rhetorical question to show disdain.

I can certainly understand the role, but there's no real information to disseminate here. I certainly get the point overseas, too. I went to spouse events there. Yes, under duress, because we literally would sit there and discuss who to make a diaper cake for next, but I put on a happy face and did it.

But, when people ask how to get more attendance, I don't think I'm out of line to ask them to think about how they can compete with the distractions of living in the States.

Also, everyone I know, ad and spouse, bitch about mandatory fun events like picnics and formals. I didn't think my pov was that rare.