Any introvert parents? How do you deal?

[asoctoberfalls]

I've posted quite a bit lately about my struggles with parenting and with depression (?) related to parenting.  I SERIOUSLY struggled with this when DS was tiny, and I've generally been ok until the past few weeks, with DS's sleep going to crap. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown sometimes. I was talking to a guy at work today whose wife is due with their first child in March, and he expressed his concern about whether he'd be a good parent since he is an introvert and requires tons of alone time.  And that's when it hit me that this is why I've been struggling so much!  I've always been an introvert and needed TONS of alone time to recharge.  All of the times I've really struggled with depression and even suicidal thoughts have coincided with DS not sleeping, which means I can't charge my batteries at night or at nap time.  It's not the fact that I'm not getting as much sleep that's the problem, it's the fact that I'm not getting my alone time.

So, I googled "are introverts bad", and "parents" is the first thing that popped up.  Apparently I'm not alone.    I found a number of blogs of people just like me.  So, the good part is, I'm not completely crazy!  The bad part is, I'm not really sure how to get the alone time I so desperately need.  DH works nights and on Saturdays, and so Sunday is really the only family time we have.  That means I have NO time to myself, and really, I require HOURS (like 4+ hours) each day.

So, where are my fellow introvert moms?  How do you deal?  I never realized how much of a struggle parenthood would be for me, because pretty much everything involved in parenting goes against my nature.  AND, my DS is very much an extrovert, plus he is always touching me.

[asoctoberfalls]

Another thing... it's really tough for DH to relate to me, and he gets his feelings easily hurt when I prefer to spend time by myself over time with him or the family. So, I hide it. DH usually works the day after Thanksgiving, and daycare is open. It's one of the days I look forward to most each year. But this year, DH took off the day after Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve... several days that he usually works that I have off. And I'm secretly devastated that I won't be able to take DS to daycare and have the house to myself all day. I feel so, so guilty for feeling this way... but I can't help it! And DH expects me to be thrilled, and I pretend that I am so I don't hurt his feelings. But I'm NOT thrilled. I needed those days to myself!

[CrazyLucky]

I'm mildly introverted, but DH is very introverted. He won most shy in high school. Anyway, before we had kids, he went through a serious depression and the combination of therapy and anti-anxiety medications helped him a lot. He had weaned himself off both after DS was born, but when DD was born, it was too overwhelming. The time that he used to get to himself, while I was watching DS, no longer existed. He went back to therapy and went back on meds, and for the most part he is fine, although he does have some rough days. Is there any chance you could talk to a therapist and see if he or she can help you talk things out or point you in the right direction?
Regarding feeling bad about wanting time for yourself, don't. You may feel the need more because you are introverted, but we all feel it. Every one of us. I dream about dropping the kids off at daycare and then going home to sleep. or going grocery shopping all by myself. We all need to recharge sometimes. On the days your DH took off, can you take DS to daycare, and then split the day. Like spend the morning doing what you want and then have a lunch/movie date with DH?

[Willis Jackson]

I think you need to figure out a way to carve out some time on that one day that your H is available.

The other night I was getting ready for bed and heard DH's footsteps coming up the stairs. I had this overwhelming feeling of dread and annoyance. I realized that sitting in bed and reading for 10 minutes is literally the only time I'm alone (other than showering) all day. I told DH that I need him to slow his roll and not come to bed for a little while. He thought he was being sweet by going to bed at the same time, but I had just spent 2 hours sitting next to him on the couch and desperately needed to be alone.

[Deleted]

I work an introvert job with introverts. I get 7-8 hours of alone time at work. I rarely have to talk to anyone (and I share a cube).

I'm much happier working and this is a big part if why, I think.

[dcn]

Dh and I both have had a hard time adjusting to less time to ourselves, and balancing that with spending time together and keeping our marriage healthy.

I get up early and workout before Ds gets up which helps. That is hard when your child us up a lot of though I know.

We also try to give each other an hour or more on the weekends to do our own thing. I send Ds to daycare on my day off 1-2 times a month. I usually eat lunch alone and read or browse the Internet.

Can you hire a babysitter? Even an hour to sit and sip coffee does wonders for me. I am a better mom and wife when I can recharge and there isn't anything to feel guilty about!

[scribellesam]

It is really hard. I used to count on the 2-hours I got during DS1's naptime, but since DS2 was born that is generally gone because the baby tends to be awake when DS1 is asleep and vice versa. I can really feel it wearing on me. Hopefully once I start pumping and giving an occasional bottle I'll be able to get out of the house by myself a little bit.

[dulcemariamar]

I am an introvert and love alone time. I get annoyed when my LO doesn't nap and I need that time to recharge. Things are getting better because now because I can do activities side by side with my LO and not have to be always engaging with her. I can wash dishes and listen to the radio while she walks around playing with her toys. Or we can both color but I can get lost in my thoughts because she can entertain herself with the crayons. Before when she was younger I felt constantly on, now I feel like I can catch a break.

[polarberry]

I also relish the days where H is at work and kids are at daycare. I think you just need to be honest with your H and tell him you want one of those days to be a "me" day. Maybe he wants to have some alone time too and you can both get it while you put the kid in daycare!

[Alyssa]

It's also hard when you work FT and you don't have a lot of friends because when your child has a birthday party, it means only the grandparents and maybe 1-2 other kids show up. I always get really depressed up until their parties start. I found myself crying while I was wrapping some last minute gifts for my daughter a couple weeks ago. I just didn't want to be there.

I want friends but at the same time I feel like I don't have time for them. I need alone time and jump on it as soon as the kids are in bed.  I love to lay in bed and relax and my husband likes to be out in the living room.  It's hard to reconnect at times.

[mushmouse]

Being honest with your husband is the only way out of this. I don't know how old your child is, but sounds like a baby? It gets easier as they get older (mine is 4 now) but you need time NOW. We were married several years before we had a child and it took time for my husband to stop being hurt by my need to be alone - even though we discussed it extensively before we got married. I used to go away alone overnight twice a year and not that's difficult. Impossible really. But I did lose it when my son was about 16 months old. My husband was thrilled about another long weekend together and I couldn't look at either one of them for another second!

For the days that he has taken off - I'd still take half the day for myself. If he wants to spend the whole day with your child, that's fine. But he needs to take him out somewhere for a minimum of 4 hours. A great compromise would be a half day at daycare so you and your husband can be together for a while (if he really wants that) and then they can spend the rest of the day together while you're alone.

The last thing I'll say too is that people who aren't introverts will never get it. I can't tell you how many times people have said 'oh yeah. I need that time to recharge too. I make sure I call a few girlfriends and go shopping and to lunch every weekend'. NOT THE SAME THING. It's also not the same thing when my husband takes him in the yard or in another room to play. Silence and no interruptions are the only things that work. Your husband may not like it but he'll get it eventually. Especially when he realizes how difficult it is for you and how much more you start to smile again when you are all together.

[kermit]

For me it helped going back to work because I can be alone some of the time there. I also don't mind pumping because I'm alone and can read a book or play on my phone or whatever. SO sometimes works on projects in the evening so I can have alone time then too. I think it will get harder when the baby is older and follows me around.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 12:17:41 GMT -5 minniemouse said:

Can you take a sick or personal day once in a while?

I do try to do this as often as possible, but 90% of my PTO time this year has been consumed by sick days and/or doctor visits for DS and myself. I will for sure do this when my vacation time renews in February.

I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I realized early on that wasn't for me. I do want to SAH once he is in school though lol.

[gibbinator]

I was miserable during my year long maternity leave with ds1. He never slept night or day and wouldn't take a bottle, and always wanted to be held, so I never got a break except the occasional 2 hours when dh was able to stay home with him and send me out on errands. I didn't even like being with just dh. After ds1 went to bed I often sat on the opposite side of the room from him zoned out watching TV so no one was touching me. I can count on one hand the number of times I was home completely alone that year.

Starting a home business where I was by myself 40hrs per week and communicate with clients primarily through email really improved my happiness. I honestly was in denial about how much I hated maternity leave until I started working.

I'm having a much better time with ds2 because he normally naps 3hrs+ during the day so I still get lots of quiet, me time. Plus when he's awake he mostly wants to be on his own.

Dh is also very much an extrovert and I try to hide my annoyance when he gets super chatty at home while I'm reading a book or whatever. He's gotten better at recognizing when I'm ignoring him and not getting his feelings hurt. I think it's because he also craves alone time since ds1 was so needy. So he gets me better now.

[savan]

i am also an introvert and have found parenting to be challenging because of this. I need time to be left alone. I keep my sanity in 2 ways:

1. I work. I sit at a computer and don't have to talk to too many people for 8 hours a day.

2. I use DH. He knows I am an introvert and need more time by myself than he does. He accepts that sometimes I need to escape up to our room and hide, especially if we've spent the day doing social activities.

Thankfully it gets easier as the kids get older. They will now play with each other for hours. I can sit on the couch, alone or with DH, for hours on the weekends.

[meij]

I hear you. Sleep is also my trigger.

My H works mostly alone all day so when he comes home he wants to spend time with me and I just want to be alone.

I had DD in a PDO class once she turned one and had one day a week to just do whatever. My H isn't one to sleep in so he gets up with both kids on both weekend days and takes them somewhere through lunch while I sleep or just hang out.

[Deleted]

Oct 28, 2014 12:08:38 GMT -5 dulcemariamar said:

I am an introvert and love alone time. I get annoyed when my LO doesn't nap and I need that time to recharge. Things are getting better because now because I can do activities side by side with my LO and not have to be always engaging with her. I can wash dishes and listen to the radio while she walks around playing with her toys. Or we can both color but I can get lost in my thoughts because she can entertain herself with the crayons. Before when she was younger I felt constantly on, now I feel like I can catch a break.

I agree with this. 
I'm not the introvert in our house but H is and I've noticed he plays/interacts with our kids differently than I do. I'm the art project/lets get messy/make a giant mess and he's just not. He takes the kids to the farm and does tractor rides where they can sit by him, he can talk if he feels like it. Otherwise the kids look out the window and he listens to the radio. He milks cows with one kid in the swing. Again same thing. At home he prefers things like blocks and marble runs where he doesn't have touch anyone, he can assemble it and then let them go. 

Those are the best examples I have at the moment but it's like parallel play in a way. 

Have you talked to H about this. I used to get all offended when H didn't want to be by me (I mean he's gone all day. I want to see him. TALK TALK TALK...lol). He then laid it out one day that it wasn't personal and he really needs the time alone. He'd rather have an hour to focus on me after he's recharged rather than 4 hours where he's p*ssed off, tired, half present and wants to be alone. It's hard to explain but once we talked it out, I understood him so much more. 

I do think you need a way to get some alone time though. I'm pretty extroverted and okay with my kids more times than not, but even I need a break. Do you have a sitter than come on a weeknight or even Sunday night? Even if all you do is a read a book? Do you have friends with kids? That's my saving grace. We drink wine and let the kids go.  

I have also been working on getting DD started on a project (right now she's putting a Potato head together while I sit here, finish my lunch and type) and then walking away/doing other things. It does get easier as they get older. 

[chickens987]

Someone posted last week that they got angry if their kid didn't nap. I feel the same way. That's why bedtime antics (which H allows) bother me so much. I need to know that dd will be in her bed by 7 pm or else I get annoyed. I think this is totally normal for introverts and I could relate to your post the other day.

[acr]

Oct 28, 2014 12:50:10 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Someone posted last week that they got angry if their kid didn't nap. I feel the same way. That's why bedtime antics (which H allows) bother me so much. I need to know that dd will be in her bed by 7 pm or else I get annoyed. I think this is totally normal for introverts and I could relate to your post the other day.

Goodness, yes. My mom and boyfriend don't understand why I get antsy at bedtime if they're taking too long to read to DS. I need that time after he goes to bed to have some quiet.

[scribellesam]

Also, having DH home for paternity leave for 6 weeks is driving me a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for the help with the kids but spending all day every day around another adult is making my introvert self nuts. I'm almost looking forward to him going back to work for that reason. One less person to be "on" for.

[scribellesam]

Oct 28, 2014 12:50:10 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Someone posted last week that they got angry if their kid didn't nap. I feel the same way. That's why bedtime antics (which H allows) bother me so much. I need to know that dd will be in her bed by 7 pm or else I get annoyed. I think this is totally normal for introverts and I could relate to your post the other day.

So much this! When DS1 occasionally skips a nap I get so furious that I have to shut him in his room for 20 minutes or so until I can calm down enough to be a parent again.

[chickens987]

Oct 28, 2014 13:02:15 GMT -5 scribellesam said:

Also, having DH home for paternity leave for 6 weeks is driving me a little crazy. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad for the help with the kids but spending all day every day around another adult is making my introvert self nuts. I'm almost looking forward to him going back to work for that reason. One less person to be "on" for.

LOL, I WFH on Tuesdays and sometimes H will be like "I'm going to work from home today too!" Rage.

I also tend to stop off on the way to pick DD up and wander Target or something for 20 minutes, just so I can be in my own head.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 12:19:37 GMT -5 mushmouse said:

Being honest with your husband is the only way out of this. I don't know how old your child is, but sounds like a baby? It gets easier as they get older (mine is 4 now) but you need time NOW. We were married several years before we had a child and it took time for my husband to stop being hurt by my need to be alone - even though we discussed it extensively before we got married. I used to go away alone overnight twice a year and not that's difficult. Impossible really. But I did lose it when my son was about 16 months old. My husband was thrilled about another long weekend together and I couldn't look at either one of them for another second!

For the days that he has taken off - I'd still take half the day for myself. If he wants to spend the whole day with your child, that's fine. But he needs to take him out somewhere for a minimum of 4 hours. A great compromise would be a half day at daycare so you and your husband can be together for a while (if he really wants that) and then they can spend the rest of the day together while you're alone.

The last thing I'll say too is that people who aren't introverts will never get it. I can't tell you how many times people have said 'oh yeah. I need that time to recharge too. I make sure I call a few girlfriends and go shopping and to lunch every weekend'. NOT THE SAME THING. It's also not the same thing when my husband takes him in the yard or in another room to play. Silence and no interruptions are the only things that work. Your husband may not like it but he'll get it eventually. Especially when he realizes how difficult it is for you and how much more you start to smile again when you are all together.

DS is actually 3, lol. I struggled a lot when he was a baby, but it abated as he started sleeping and I could rely on several hours of alone time in the evenings.

DH and I have been married 10 years, and I've tried to explain the introverted world view to him MANY times, but he just doesn't get it. He seems to understand that I don't like large crowds - he's the same way - but he doesn't understand that it applies to him and DS as well. He thinks he should be the exception. He still frequently brings up something I told him our first year of marriage because it was so devastating to him (I basically told him that I didn't want to interact with him all the time...that just being in the same room is enough sometimes)?

[stacyb1983]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't really have any advice other than it helps when I work with a therapist. I walk a fine line between isolating myself when I am depressed and those times I legitimately need to be alone to recharge.

It helps that I work mostly on my own and can close my door when I need to be alone. I spend most of my lunches alone too.

[asoctoberfalls]

There are some great suggestions in this post! I definitely need to find more babysitters. I have a sitter come once a month in Saturday afternoon, but it's not enough. I need it every week and probably one weeknight as well.

Sometimes I come in to work on Sundays because no one is in the office and DH doesn't get his feelings hurt if I have to work like he would if I told him I need to just get away. Work isn't much of an escape during the work week because it's busy, but it could be worse. I don't have to deal with the public, at least!

And honestly, 99.9% of the time, my depressed thoughts center on running away...just getting in my car and driving and driving and driving...

[hopecounts]

Our compromise is the rule of thirds on the weekends (1/3 of the day as a family, 1/3 me time, 1/3 watching kiddo so he has some free time) which helps and in the evenings he cleans the kitchen since I cook which gives me 30 or so minutes of time to myself, not perfect but it helps.
Being an introverted parent is HARD.
I am currently struggling post our week at Disney because it was all family all the time and I am so drained. today DD is at school all day and I am completely hibernating.

[rootbeerfloat]

Oct 28, 2014 12:50:10 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Someone posted last week that they got angry if their kid didn't nap. I feel the same way. That's why bedtime antics (which H allows) bother me so much. I need to know that dd will be in her bed by 7 pm or else I get annoyed. I think this is totally normal for introverts and I could relate to your post the other day.

This has been an ongoing "fight" in our house for YEARS.

[mushmouse]

I'm finding 4 better. There were so many shenanigans at 3 it was still really hard. He'd barely even watch tv at 3! In all honesty your husband just has to get over it. I would be so annoyed if he kept bringing that up - maybe there is book or something that could explain this to him? The one thing my husband brings up from early in our relationship is when he was firing questions at me when I came through the door one night after work and I felt like my head was just going to roll off my shoulders. I reached into the cabinet and grabbed a wine glass, picked up the bottle and said "that's one question too many". My husband is the complete opposite of me and he would shrink us down and carry us around in his pocket all day if he could. You really have to say "I'm taking this time because I need it. I cannot go on like this any more. You can't be the only one who gets what you need in this family. Not everything I do is about you, this is about ME and MY needs. I have them just like everyone else". We've had some really difficult times trying to work this out since our son was born but he's back to getting it again. It's harder for me to actually DO it and take the time regularly but I make the effort and try to do it before I pass the point of no return. For Mother's Day every year he starts talking about what I want and what I'd like. I'm direct and say 'what I want has not changed. I want you to get him dressed and I want you both to leave so I can drink coffee and watch whatever movies I want in bed". And at 4 my husband seems to have an easier time taking him places on his own. Although he doesn't do it nearly enough! Joining a gym with excellent childcare has been great as well. My husband thinks he's an introvert sometimes too - but disliking crowds and (people!) isn't what it's about and I have to remind him of that constantly. Pointing out that there isn't an introvert in the world who talks as much as he does helps. Dear God neither one of them EVER stops talking.

[rbp]

Oct 28, 2014 12:50:10 GMT -5 chickens987 said:

Someone posted last week that they got angry if their kid didn't nap. I feel the same way. That's why bedtime antics (which H allows) bother me so much. I need to know that dd will be in her bed by 7 pm or else I get annoyed. I think this is totally normal for introverts and I could relate to your post the other day.

OMG. I take it so personally when M won't nap. It ruins my day. (wilted)

[Willis Jackson]

My oldest giving up naps was the hardest transition for me. Someone is going to be talking to me about trucks for 14 hours straight? Seriously?