Any introvert parents? How do you deal?

[mlvmd]

I can relate to this. I had last Friday off and DH got so huffy that I wanted to run errands by myself. He had stuff to do and probably wouldn't have gotten it done if he'd gone with me but he is so desperate to spend every minute with me. I just need time to think quietly. Instead I seethed the entire time because I was so annoyed with him.

He would happily sit next to me and hold my hand 24 hours a day, go every where with me and often tries to sit in the bathroom while I shower.

I have to be extroverted at work so this just makes me scream because when I ask for alone time he complies, but with despair and guilt.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 13:25:31 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

My oldest giving up naps was the hardest transition for me. Someone is going to be talking to me about trucks for 14 hours straight? Seriously?

DS has also recently give up napping, and I agree - it's a nightmare! Especially on Saturdays when I'm alone with him all day! I've started dreading the weekends...

I really just think this has been the perfect storm. DS gave up his naps, his night sleep went to crap, and DH's work schedule changed so that all evenings and all day Saturday are on me...all in the same week

[asoctoberfalls]

I'm LOLing at all these DH stories. My husband does try to give me alone time - it's just that he prioritizes family time above everything, and when there is limited time like the situation we are in now, there isn't enough to go around and my alone time either gets cut completely or is very short. He does try, but he doesn't really get it. If he did, my alone time would be his #1 priority.

[hopecounts]

Oct 28, 2014 13:45:48 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Oct 28, 2014 13:25:31 GMT -5 Willis Jackson said:

My oldest giving up naps was the hardest transition for me. Someone is going to be talking to me about trucks for 14 hours straight? Seriously?

DS has also recently give up napping, and I agree - it's a nightmare! Especially on Saturdays when I'm alone with him all day! I've started dreading the weekends...

I really just think this has been the perfect storm. DS gave up his naps, his night sleep went to crap, and DH's work schedule changed so that all evenings and all day Saturday are on me...all in the same week

DD has quiet time in her room on the days she is home (she goes to an all day program 2 days a week) since they do it at school it's 'keeping her in her school routine' but it really saves my sanity.

[vaportrail]

Oct 28, 2014 12:10:37 GMT -5 Alyssa said:

It's also hard when you work FT and you don't have a lot of friends because when your child has a birthday party, it means only the grandparents and maybe 1-2 other kids show up. I always get really depressed up until their parties start. I found myself crying while I was wrapping some last minute gifts for my daughter a couple weeks ago. I just didn't want to be there.

I want friends but at the same time I feel like I don't have time for them. I need alone time and jump on it as soon as the kids are in bed.  I love to lay in bed and relax and my husband likes to be out in the living room.  It's hard to reconnect at times.

This is me!!! I would like more friends, but I do not have the mental energy to devote to connecting to new people. I like to be home with DH and Miles. Even a 10 minute chat with our neighbors is mentally draining.

[rootbeerfloat]

I will say that it gets easier not only as the kids get older, but it helps if your kid is also an introvert. DS is, so we have quiet downtime together, while the social half of our family goes somewhere else, lol.

[rex]

so much yes.

i need alone time or i feel crazy. it's really the only way i can describe it. i get wicked irritable and sad when i do not get time alone to recharge. my h is not an introvert so i have to really explain to him why i react a certain way, or why i need him to leave me alone. i ask him to give me a heads up when he's coming home from work so i can mentally prepare myself. you know how you hear stories of the working parent coming home and needing a minute to unwind before being "on" with their family? yeah it's the opposite here. my h comes home and wants to talk to me and hug me and is all up in my space. i have to tell him that i honestly need a good 10 minutes before he talks to me to adjust to him being home. it took me YEARS to realize this. i also hate hate hate when he goes to bed when i do. leave me be for 5 minutes before you disrupt my peace!

i am SO lucky L loves sleep and alone time too. i honestly don't know what i would do with a kid who didn't sleep and was in my face all day. when she drops naps forever in a few years i will be instituting alone time. i need it to be a good mom and a sane person.

we are oad for many, many reasons but for me a big one is that i cannot have any more people in my house lol

if only i had the skill set for an introvert friendly career

[mrsg123]

Can you get away for an hour of exercise several times per week? Sorry, but I think saying you need 4 hours of alone time per day is absurd with small kids who aren't in school. Who gets that much time alone with small kids? Does he go to preschool?

[minzy]

My experience is similar to @justdairy's...  I'm probably half introvert/half extrovert, but my husband is definitely an introvert. This article and figuring out his love language made me understand him better.  He is an awesome person and dad; just different from me, and I've learned not to take his being an introvert personally.  It really has nothing to do with me!  

My husband prioritizes working out, so he gets a little alone time then, and he frequently gets to the office a few hours before anyone else gets in (thanks DD2 for consistently waking up at 5am).  He does the occasional happy hour, but I handle/initiate most of our family's social outings/playdates (and would if I was working too, I think).  Now that I think about it, he does a lot of activities with DD1 that she can do independently (playground, running in the jogging stroller, setting up clips for her on the ipad), whereas I am the go-to for more involved back and forth like reading, baking, helping with puzzles, etc.  DD1 seems to be an introvert too, which probably makes it easier on him.  

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 14:03:17 GMT -5 mrsg123 said:

Can you get away for an hour of exercise several times per week? Sorry, but I think saying you need 4 hours of alone time per day is absurd with small kids who aren't in school. Who gets that much time alone with small kids? Does he go to preschool?

I certainly don't get that! That's just my ideal. I did fine when DS was going to bed at 8 and I had a couple hours until I went to bed. He goes to daycare while we work, but I don't consider working alone time. I may be able to exercise, but I'm not sure how to fit it in unless I joined a gym with child care.

[blueberry10]

Just in here to say that I can totally relate. I am an introvert who also gets mad when DD's naptime gets messed up, and who struggles to get enough recharging time. I'm pretty scared about how things will go when DS arrives, since there will be even less down time for me. I'm trying to remember that it will get easier once the kids are older, but also that it's something I really need to prioritize for my own sanity. I do get alone time at work each day, but somehow it doesn't feel like it helps much - rather than doing tasks for needy kids, I'm just doing them for needy adults instead.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 13:56:38 GMT -5 rex said:

so much yes.

i need alone time or i feel crazy. it's really the only way i can describe it. i get wicked irritable and sad when i do not get time alone to recharge. my h is not an introvert so i have to really explain to him why i react a certain way, or why i need him to leave me alone. i ask him to give me a heads up when he's coming home from work so i can mentally prepare myself. you know how you hear stories of the working parent coming home and needing a minute to unwind before being "on" with their family? yeah it's the opposite here. my h comes home and wants to talk to me and hug me and is all up in my space. i have to tell him that i honestly need a good 10 minutes before he talks to me to adjust to him being home. it took me YEARS to realize this. i also hate hate hate when he goes to bed when i do. leave me be for 5 minutes before you disrupt my peace!

i am SO lucky L loves sleep and alone time too. i honestly don't know what i would do with a kid who didn't sleep and was in my face all day. when she drops naps forever in a few years i will be instituting alone time. i need it to be a good mom and a sane person.

we are oad for many, many reasons but for me a big one is that i cannot have any more people in my house lol

if only i had the skill set for an introvert friendly career

We have always planned on two kids, but i am wondering if I'm OAD. I just don't want to regret it later. When I picture my family all grown up, I don't see only one kid. But if I have another, I'm not sure how I'll survive, LOL.

My happiest days at work are when I get to sit at my desk and write code all day. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen often.

[chickens987]

This whole topic is why I am so happy my job requires travel 3-5 times/year.

[galaxy8227]

I know what you mean--I took off the day after Christmas and usually daycare is open but due to the way that the week falls she is closing--I was really upset. I look forward to a day alone so much and they are so rare. I would mention to your husband that maybe one of those days you really need to be a "just you" day. If he's taking a few off hopefully he'll understand if you want just one by yourself.

DH use to have a hard time with me wanting to be alone--I think it still bothers him a bit but he knows that it's something I need.

[Deleted]

Yes, DH and I are both introverts. We need alone time to recharge and having kids has made that challenging and at times impossible.

Right now we have some good routines that are working for us. I like to wake up early a few mornings a week and spend 30 mins of quiet on my own reading or even just doing a few things around the house. I really enjoy having a shower and getting ready for the day while everyone else is sleeping.

DH walks to work (40 mins) a few times a week and listens to podcasts and gets his alone time that way. Sometimes he'll even take a walk on his lunch hour. His job requires him to have quite a bit of contact with people mixed in with independent project work.

We each get a day to sleep in on the weekend. On Saturday he sleeps in until 9am and then takes over and I go to a fitness class. Sometimes I'll run an errand before coming home. On Sunday I sleep in but really I usually wake up and read the NYT online in bed alone.

DS2 is a terrible day time napper at 22 months. It can be hard. I think he might actually drop napping soon. Yikes. Our third baby is due in the next few weeks and I know it's going to be really challenging.

Hang in there and try and find a few pockets of time for yourself during the week.

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 14:29:08 GMT -5 blueberry10 said:

Just in here to say that I can totally relate. I am an introvert who also gets mad when DD's naptime gets messed up, and who struggles to get enough recharging time. I'm pretty scared about how things will go when DS arrives, since there will be even less down time for me. I'm trying to remember that it will get easier once the kids are older, but also that it's something I really need to prioritize for my own sanity. I do get alone time at work each day, but somehow it doesn't feel like it helps much - rather than doing tasks for needy kids, I'm just doing them for needy adults instead.

Yup! Work doesn't count.

[wavepool]

I wouldn't say I'm an introvert, but I do like some alone time, which is so difficult to get when my H is a huge extrovert. He doesn't get that I need time alone in our house. He's happy to keep O so I can go do whatever, but he rarely brings him places while I stay home because....well, he just doesn't. He thinks it's strange that I need to zone out at the gym or clean the house/sit on the couch all by myself sometimes because he totally doesn't have to have that time.

[lolo]

MY PEOPLE.

I too struggle with rage when I was counting on DD napping and she doesn't, or it's really short and I only get to eat or unload the dishwasher. She recently went to one nap and it has been one of the hardest transitions so far. It has made me realize that I don't think I can SAH when she stops napping unless she is also going to preschool or something where I have alone time. That time is my sanity.

Parenting been hard for us because DH and I are both introverts. He is more introverted than me--I have some out of pattern tendencies whereas he is straight introvert in every category. But because I SAH, I feel like I in general get less alone time. He often goes into work early so he can have breakfast by himself. I don't get that option. Sometimes I know he might stay a little late to just play a computer game for a few minutes (he's in tech so this is normal where he works). I can get very resentful of that because I am then stuck at home with no chance of escape.

Because of that, we put DD into a mother's day out program 1x week for 5 hours. But, to be honest, I feel like I often spend that time doing stuff that doesn't recharge me, like going to the dentist or getting my hair cut. I actually DREAD getting my hair cut because I have to make small talk for an hour. It feels really unfair that DH can just take that time out of work and I have to take that time out of my recharge time.

What I find tough is that it feels like our alone time comes at the expense of the other one's mental health. Does anyone else have that? Like if I get to sleep in and have a quiet morning, then I am recharged but DH is then drained. I have actually suggested that we should hire a sitter and both spend the time alone instead of on a date. Sometimes I think it would be better for us to have that solo time. If I'm honest, I usually start most of our dates wishing I was alone. Maybe we need to do 1-2 hours alone and then meet up once we are both recharged, lol.

[lolo]

It also pisses me off that DH never does anything with her. Like they have left the house without me for an outing perhaps twice and she's 17 months. But, if I suggest it, it's world war 3 because I'm 'telling him how to parent.' NOPE, I'm telling you to GTFO for ME.

[scribellesam]

Oct 28, 2014 15:07:02 GMT -5 lolo said:

It also pisses me off that DH never does anything with her. Like they have left the house without me for an outing perhaps twice and she's 17 months. But, if I suggest it, it's world war 3 because I'm 'telling him how to parent.' NOPE, I'm telling you to GTFO for ME.

I feel you on this one. DH just started taking DS1 out on his own after DS2 was born earlier this month.

[Deleted]

I'm seeing a lot of blame in your posts and shooting down of solutions. You need to structure your work and home life in such a way you're meeting some needs while your kid is conscious. Change something.

[Birdie]

rupertpenny is asleep right now (probably) but I think she can relate to this

[turtletop90]

I'm an introvert, and the way I deal is I kinda keep to myself at work. I have a somewhat self-directed job, so I don't need to deal with many people. I think it saves my sanity.

On days I'm home with DD (Th, F), it's tough sometimes. I often use TV to get breaks - 12 hours straight with a 3 year old is exhausting.

I think maybe you need to carve out some alone time on Sunday. Can you get a couple hours to yourself, then have the rest of the day be family day?

[ngdgtco]

I'm glad you posted this, because I hadn't really realized why I feel such a sense of relief/accomplishment when I get the baby to nap in his crib so I can just be by myself for a little bit. I guess I am lucky he still sleeps a good bit of the day, and this is just going to get harder!

[asoctoberfalls]

Oct 28, 2014 15:15:36 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I'm seeing a lot of blame in your posts and shooting down of solutions. You need to structure your work and home life in such a way you're meeting some needs while your kid is conscious. Change something.

People shooting down everyone's solutions is one of my biggest message board pet peeves! I didn't even realize I was doing this. And the blame? Where is that? I'm honestly curious. I want to make things better...I want to change. I don't enjoy being miserable. I spent my lunch yesterday searching for a therapist, but it was overwhelming because there are so many options. I'm really not trying to piss on people's suggestions.

[lolo]

Oct 28, 2014 15:32:57 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

Oct 28, 2014 15:15:36 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I'm seeing a lot of blame in your posts and shooting down of solutions. You need to structure your work and home life in such a way you're meeting some needs while your kid is conscious. Change something.

People shooting down everyone's solutions is one of my biggest message board pet peeves! I didn't even realize I was doing this. And the blame? Where is that? I'm honestly curious. I want to make things better...I want to change. I don't enjoy being miserable. I spent my lunch yesterday searching for a therapist, but it was overwhelming because there are so many options. I'm really not trying to piss on people's suggestions.

Example: 'Take a personal day every once in a while.' 
'Oh, I use all of that time for DS's sick days and appointments.'

I think it's reasonable to say that some solutions won't work, just popping in to point out an example. 

[origami]

I'm a SAHM and my life got so much better when my kids started going to school, esp full-day school. If that's a long way away for you then can you hire a babysitter or send your kids to someone else's house? You need a regularly scheduled sanity break.

[sporklemotion]

My DD is younger than yours (11 months), so my tougher times may be ahead.
Fortunately, I am a morning person and get up super early (4:30 AM) during the week, so I have alone time before she wakes up on weekends-- I will get up at 6:00 or so and get some down time before the day starts. DH let's me know when she wakes up (usually between 6:30-7:15). It's worth it to me, though sleeping in would be nice.
DD's day care is open later than the end of my work day, so I am able to grab a coffee and read or do a little work once or twice a week, too. It may be only 30 minutes or so, but it helps.
DH is also an introvert, but more of a night person, so he will stay up later and then sleep in a bit on the weekends. Fortunately, I think we respect this about each other and don't push too hard.

[chickens987]

Oct 28, 2014 15:05:33 GMT -5 lolo said:

Because of that, we put DD into a mother's day out program 1x week for 5 hours. But, to be honest, I feel like I often spend that time doing stuff that doesn't recharge me, like going to the dentist or getting my hair cut. I actually DREAD getting my hair cut because I have to make small talk for an hour. It feels really unfair that DH can just take that time out of work and I have to take that time out of my recharge time.

You need to prioritize yourself. If I have a week (like this one) where I have to go into the office on my telecommute day, I feel like naptime Saturday/Sunday needs to be rush rush rush - laundry, cleaning, changing sheets, etc. A few weeks ago I realized that I need to give myself a pass to just veg for like an hour. I feel terribly guilty because H is often working on the house from 9am-5pm Saturdays, but I remind myself that in a certain way that's how he recharges too.

[chickens987]

Oh and ditto everyone else about carving time out where you can get it. I didn't used to be a morning person AT ALL, but now I set my alarm on weekends even so that I know I'll be awake at least 30 minutes before DD. That time is crucial. Last weekend I slept in and I regretted losing that quiet time more than I valued the sleep...