How do you deal with friends that have made different parenting choices than you on hot button issues such as vaccinations, circumcision, sleep training, etc?
I honestly don't care what they do when it comes to stuff like circ-ing and sleep training and BFing vs. FFing. It's their business and doesn't affect me.
Vaccinations are different, IMO, because their decision to not vax could have very serious implications for my child and family. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, IMO.
I honestly don't care what they do when it comes to stuff like circ-ing and sleep training and BFing vs. FFing. It's their business and doesn't affect me.
Vaccinations are different, IMO, because their decision to not vax could have very serious implications for my child and family. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, IMO.
Agree.
It's funny you say this, we went away with friends last weekend and one of the things we talked about was what each person's "hot button" issue was. As long as someone's choices aren't affecting me or my kids, I don't care. I have had people get sanctimonious about their choices before though, and that can be a relationship killer.
Vaccinations are different, IMO, because their decision to not vax could have very serious implications for my child and family. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, IMO.
I always thought I would feel the same but am in a situation now where a new neighbor friend told me yesterday that she delayed vaccinating until 18 months for her son and skipped MMR. She's pregnant with #2 now. I didn't ask her what her plans are for this one, but I assume she won't vaccinate on schedule again.
ETA - she has also become a pretty good friend of ours.
I am not aware of any friends who don't vaccinate, so I haven't had to deal with that. Pretty much all of my friends have breastfed and circ-ed (a good number of them are Jewish, so this was a given), but I don't care what other people choose to do when it comes to those issues. We don't CIO, so I just choose not to discuss sleep training with any friends that I know take a different approach than we do. As long as we don't have to talk about it, it isn't really an issue.
Discipline is the only issue that has ever posed a problem for me. We don't spank. We were renting a beach house with one of my best friends a couple years ago, and her husband picked up their kid and spanked him in front of my son. I was not pleased. We teach our kids that hitting is never okay, and I really don't want them to see an adult that they trust and respect hit a child. My son was confused by the whole thing--he didn't even know it was something that some parents do. I asked my friend to please let me know the next time they are going to discipline their kid so that I can take mine elsewhere. We have remained friends and have traveled with them a couple times since, but the experience definitely bothered me, and I am sure that they weren't thrilled with my obvious judgment about their parenting, either.
Honestly, we don't have many friends with kids that live nearby so we rarely face this issue.
My BIL/SIL make different parenting choices, and I try to ignore it for the most part. It only irritates me when they try to lecture me on my choices like telling me that DS needs formula.
I honestly don't care what they do when it comes to stuff like circ-ing and sleep training and BFing vs. FFing. It's their business and doesn't affect me.
Vaccinations are different, IMO, because their decision to not vax could have very serious implications for my child and family. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, IMO.
I honestly don't care what they do when it comes to stuff like circ-ing and sleep training and BFing vs. FFing. It's their business and doesn't affect me.
Vaccinations are different, IMO, because their decision to not vax could have very serious implications for my child and family. That would be a dealbreaker in the friendship, IMO.
I have dealt with this in the past and it wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. I had a friend who started CIO with her DD at 6w - she let her cry 45 minutes. She also wouldn't pick her up (she sat in a bouncer all day long) or show her any affection. It got to the point where if the baby was crying and we were all together I would pick her up and her mom would take her from me and put her back down. You could totally notice the problems this was creating with the child and it began to manifest itself in the way our kids interacted. It wasn't such an issue before the kids were one, but as they got older it became a serious issue and we distanced ourselves from them.
There are things I side-eye. I'm in a mom's group, and one of the moms quit breastfeeding her sick child just because she didn't like it. I do my best to empathize that she was going through a really rough time and didn't have the energy to continue and whatever... but really, it's a symptom of our very different parenting styles. So it's not really about that one thing, it's that we'll never be BFF anyway.
I did gravitate to moms that made similar decisions to me to hang with on mat leave, but that had a lot to do with where I was trolling for mom dates. Friends I've had for years I'll keep unless they're neglectful, which is what I would say withholding contact from an infant is.
My same new neighbor friend that delays/selectively vaccinates used Babywise with her son. He STTN at 7 weeks, but was subsequently diagnosed as failure to thrive. I'm definitely finding myself sideeyeing her parenting decisions, but she's a really nice person.
ijack- that is so sad. What was her reasoning for depriving her baby of affection? Was she misinformed or did she have a history of abuse? It just seems to go against every instinct to not nurture your baby in any way.
Post by pierogigirl on Aug 6, 2012 11:35:15 GMT -5
tjack, that's very sad. I think that's how attachment disorders are created, so she's potentially setting herself up for a host of problems later.
I would not let my kids hang out with an un-vaxed family. I would probably not discuss the other things (CIO, circ,ff, etc) so it would be a non-issue. I would say something for no carseat or ff carseat for a very young child. It definitely becomes harder as they get older with things like discipline.
We have new neighbors who suck. There was a block party on our block this weekend. They sent their kindergartener outside on his own from 11-7 to forage for food and terrorize the little kids. They did not come out once to introduce themselves to the neighborhood. No one has really met them and all we know of them is what we hear when they're swearing at each other/yelling/out smoking. I found myself using my teacher voice with the kid because he was taking toys and telling the 2-3 yr olds what they could and couldn't do. I don't blame him, as it seems he is raising himself, but he's hard to be around and I could not be friends with his parents.
The only thing I care about is when people want to criticize my parenting decisions. Then I get all hot and defensive.
Happily, now that DD is no longer a baby/toddler, most things don't really come up anymore. But back in the day, I knew some people IRL who wanted to talk about why their decisions were better than anyone else's.
Even with vaxxing, you never know the whole story. I delayed chicken pox for a long time, until it was required by DD's NY pre-school. Turns out that now that we live in France, it's not even a required vaccination.
ijack- that is so sad. What was her reasoning for depriving her baby of affection? Was she misinformed or did she have a history of abuse? It just seems to go against every instinct to not nurture your baby in any way.
I think part of it was cultural. Her parents aren't very affectionate with her, she was raised mostly by staff. She also didn't bond with her first right away. There is a HUGE difference in how she treats her first and second. She's loved her second from the moment she was born and you can really tell - she held her much more, talks affectionately about her. It's all very sad
Post by definitelyO on Aug 6, 2012 11:51:35 GMT -5
whether my friends circ or not doesn't matter. all my friend's kids are vax - some delayed but that also doesn't bother me.
Where we diverge is on discipline. I have a friend whose DD is quite a handful - talks back, hits DS and doesn't have consistent discipline at home. at my house I enforce my rules (no talking back, no hitting, eat your dinner, etc...) but it's hard for me to leave DS at their house b/c I'm not sure how their DD will treat him.
I also yelled at a friend a few weeks ago for leaving her sleeping 2 yr old in the FREAKING CAR!! it was parked in front of a friend's house with windows down. I wasn't nice and told her that she knew better and she needed to get her kid out of that car. ridiculous. and in that case I didn't care that she was annoyed with me - she should have been upset with herself
We have new neighbors who suck. There was a block party on our block this weekend. They sent their kindergartener outside on his own from 11-7 to forage for food and terrorize the little kids. They did not come out once to introduce themselves to the neighborhood. No one has really met them and all we know of them is what we hear when they're swearing at each other/yelling/out smoking. I found myself using my teacher voice with the kid because he was taking toys and telling the 2-3 yr olds what they could and couldn't do. I don't blame him, as it seems he is raising himself, but he's hard to be around and I could not be friends with his parents.
We have unsupervised 4 year olds in our condo complex zipping through parking lots on their bikes and wandering by the road alone sometimes (not close or going into street, but obvious to any person driving by on main road). I've said a few things to the girls nicely, like when they were making mud pies on top of a sewer cover in the middle of the parking lot road where gross sand, road runoff water, and glass would collect.
The only parenting issue that I really care about in terms of what others do is vaccinating, but so far I don't know anyone IRL who hasn't vaccinated or who is opposed to it so I guess it's a non-issue.
I think extreme CIO (like at 6 weeks, like ijack mentioned) would really really upset me, but I don't think just different parenting styles bother me. Everyone is going to raise their kids differently.
It is really funny you posted this Nabum. I was just checking FB and it looks as though a couple of my mom friends from our Parent Ed class are big anti-vaxers. :/ I met these women in my local BFing support group so the fact that they lean towards being "hippy" mamas doesn't surprise me and I can happily roll with it, but the not vaccinating thing is kind of disconcerting. I'm frankly starting to rethink our playdates. Sigh.
Post by barefootcontessa on Aug 6, 2012 12:29:09 GMT -5
I agree that vax is really the only thing I even really think about. Otherwise, I am too busy dealing with my own kids and life.
I guess I am somewhat anti-vax in that I have a problem with the current CDC schedule, because I think the risks for SOME of the recommended vax (say Hep B at birth) outweigh the benefits. However, we do vaccinate infants for the really serious diseases by spreading things out and continue vaccinating past age 2. At age 5, my oldest son is fully vaccinated.
At our small preschool there is a family that does absolutely no vaccinations and I feel nervous being around them when I have an infant. I have found ways to avoid contact between them and the baby (my older kids are vaccinated so I do not worry about them bringing something serious to the baby). I do not really see it as my place to say something to them (the grandfather is actually an MD and has reasons for why he is anti-vax), but I find ways to make sure my kids are protected.
My best friend just told me she's putting her 3.5 month old to sleep on her tummy (on an adult bed/mattress) because that's how she sleeps better. I was shocked and all "OMG that's so dangerous!" and then I back peddled. I couldn't contain my original reaction but I honestly don't want to argue/fight over differences with my friends. Who cares. Double the SIDS risk is worth the sleep to her. To me it wasn't. I judge some things and not others but I TRY to keep it to myself.
Post by dragonfly08 on Aug 6, 2012 14:19:50 GMT -5
I don't consider sleep training or circumcision to be "hot button" issues. Heck, I don't even know how most of my friends handled any of that, nor do I care.
Vaccination is an issue because I prefer that my kids not spend significant time around unvaxed children and I consider not vaxing to be irresponsible and ignorant of the risks (and I'm referring to kids who *could* be vaxed but aren't and not those who cannot safely receive vaxes for reasons of age, health, etc.). But as far as I know, all of my friends vax their kids on at least a responsible modified schedule.
Of the things mentioned, the only one that would bug me is not vaccinating (aside from the cases of neglect pps brought up.) Vaccinating has never come up in conversation with another parent, though.
I would also add that I'd have a hard time being friends with someone who is raising their kids with extreme right-wing Christian principles. I friended a mom from my moms' club on FB, and she subsequently defriended me after a CFA debate. Oh well.
My friends are my friends for a reason. We don't care about doing the mommy war crap. We all parent differnt and no one is a jerk about their decisions. It would be really bizarre if one of them like held it against me for circing my sons or something of that nature.
For me it's not really the decisions, it's the attitude. I don't want to be around people who openly resent their kids (and I'm nOt talking occasional venting) so its hurt some relationships.
I have some friends who are antivax, some who CIO, some who ff by choice , some who bed share. I just don't really care. I just want to surround myself who keep positive about having kids. If not, I might go off the deep end, lol.