Check In

[malibu]

How's everyone doing? I hope things are OK and 2015 is starting out well for everyone.

My H finally has a job. He starts tomorrow. There aren't enough SQUEES in the world to properly express how happy I am that our finances finally won't be in ruin anymore. The pay is great, too. He's really excited about the job. His drinking seems to have stopped, too. I think finally having a job will pull him out of his depression along with taking his ADs, and I hope that having 'a purpose' now will finally get him off drinking.

I've lost 17 pounds since January 8th. In addition to continuing therapy, I really decided to put my health first and am working out again, going to the gym, making all my meals from scratch. I haven't made it to an overeaters' anonymous meeting yet, but I feel like I'm doing really well with my start.

lovelovelove any updates? How are you doing? flex? @courtneyloves? btay? spedrunner? @evelynrichards? Anyone else I haven't tagged because I am terrible with screen names?

[flex]

Hi! malibu I'm beside myself with glee that things are looking up in the Malibu household!!!

I'm doing fine--no issues really. Still working a lot.  I've been working on the weekends to finish up computation of back pay for one group I represent.  We filed an Unfair Labor Practice against an employer and we won $2.65 million dollars for the workers.   There was 75 people affected so there's lots of number crunching that needs to transpire before they can starting getting their checks.

Getting close to finishing up one set of negotiations out in Palmer (2 hour drive round-trip) and am gearing up for negotiations with a different employer in March with a small local government in the Prince William Sound area. This means I'll be traveling with lots of overnight stays there.  Their city manager doesn't like me at all, which doesn't bother me, but I hope this won't make the negotiations too difficult.

On the homefront:  DS1 should be gearing up to move out of my house once he gets his tax refund. Even though I love him and my GD, I'm looking forward to having my house all to myself. lol

I hope everyone else is doing well!

[malibu]

Wow flex, you are busy!! And yay to getting your house to yourself again!

[btay]

So glad things are looking up for you malibu. Things here are good. My lease is up in May and I'm trying to decide what next steps will be. Option 1 is move back in with my parents for a few months and put all my furniture in storage. Option 2 is move back in with STBXH (separate living space) to help with the dogs and save us both a few bucks by splitting the mortgage. The divorce is currently at a pause, and we may very well end up staying married until one of us meets someone because we are both a little too unmotivated to make it actually happen. I'm starting to contemplate entering the dating world, but I hate dating sooooo much that I'm really dreading it, to the point where potentially adopting and being a single mom is looking better every day.

[malibu]

btay how do you feel about option 2? I can't remember, is your split amicable?

[Deleted]

So happy to hear from everyone! Thanks malibu for starting the thread. Hugs to those who are struggling, especially you, @evelynrichards.

January is flying by and I've been totally selfish recently! My DH has been in India for two weeks on business. Meanwhile...I saw four movies, had a few dinner/lunch dates with girlfriends, stepped up my attendance at AA, and possibly found a church.

My last day on the job was two weeks ago tomorrow. No looking back. I gave notice mid-November with a promise to train my replacements, so I felt that mid-January was sufficient. Seems my x-boss just liked having me around. She asked me five times if I could stay. After the first of the year, my job morphed into her personal assistant. Replacements were fully trained, so I told her "my job here is done". After giving notice in November, with prescribed anti-anxiety meds to carry in my purse, the panic attacks subsided. Funny I never took the meds, but having them in my purse was sufficient.

Our recovery board is the best corner of GBCN!

[btay]

Jan 28, 2015 13:36:44 GMT -5 malibu said:

btay how do you feel about option 2? I can't remember, is your split amicable?

Our split is ridiculously amicable.  We still hang out most weekends and text every other day or so.  He is still my best friend we just weren't cut out for marriage.  My biggest hurdle to the living with him would be when one of us starts dating.  I don't think it would be awkward for us, but for the poor souls who are dating us it might be.

[malibu]

Man, @evelynrichards, I hope things start looking up for you soon. You've had a hell of a rough time. Having this all go down with your mom at the same time your H decided he isn't willing to stop drinking is so stressful for you. And then to have impending layoffs? WTF, man. I think you need a vacation for about a month to Hawaii or something.

Don't worry if you let the exercise slip. It's pretty understandable with everything you've got going on. But if it's something you can do to get some "me" time or feel better, keep at it.

@courtneyloves That is great you're done at the job and you haven't had to use the anti-anxiety meds! Absolutely fantastic. What a great update!

[spedrunner]

Thanks for checking in !

malibu what wonderful news about your husband and YOU taking care of yourself! That makes me so happy! I also love and enjoy cooking good meals for myself, its sort of a new hobby!

flex wow, you really are busy! Lots of travel too! DO you enjoy traveling? I think I would like it.....glad to hear your DS will be flying the coop soon, I totoally know what you mean about having YOUR space and place back

geez evelyn, im so sorry about all the negativity in your life. Just remember to keep taking care you of, unfortuntatley you can not help others, if htey do not want it, as difficult as it is separate yourself from it, to keep yourself healthy and happy!

ME: I am also doing well! I have actually had a lot more positive days, my anxiety has been decreasing , I am coping with my anxiety better and have a better grasp on it. I got my period back last month, so i am thrilled (and not at the same time) that my body seems to be "healthy" now. I continue to eat healthy, I am trying new things, but still have difficult times eating in front of people. Its not the actual food, or eating, or not wanting to eat, its that I feel people will JUDGE me, which is so silly but something I am working on

My dad is drinking still even after the doctors have told him to stop drinking and smoking bc he is NOT doing well at all, he refuses, denies, etc. Its becoming VERY difficult for me to be around him. I am so angry at him for NOT being the father I need and want, but am trying to just accept who he is and not waste my time being so angry.....its hard, especially when he acts like a 2 year old , sober and drunk , anymore.

I was dating someone for a bit (lol about a week) and I quickly LOST interest after he told me he occasionally smokes weed AND tried moving a little bit too fast for me.......I had a great exciting few days with him, when I thought he was pretty interesting (and sober and not just trying to get in my pants)

I realize I am having a VERY difficutl time trusting........anyone. I am worried I will never find anyone and be alone forever, which partially makes me feel happy,, bc a lot of times i WANT to be alone. After a day with the kiddos, I am mentally exhausted. I think i need to focus more on MY life vs my work.......I have been making my work and autism my LIFE lately, and I want a life of my own.....

[lovelovelove]

Thanks so much for thinking of me, malibu. congrats on your husband's job,and your weight loss!!!!

I'm doing ok. I feel a lot more clear headed and less panicked. I'm not really thinking too deeply about stuff at the moment. Things with my H are so weird, it makes me really uncomfortable, but we've been doing our own thing for about a week and hes been working a ton so at least we don't have to interact much. But I miss him, and then I get sad and angry that I miss him when I think of all the lying and bad situations. I have therapy tomorrow so I'm really looking forward to that.

So happy for all of you that are doing well.

@evelynrichards, I'm sorry you're in such a rough spot right now. I wish I had something more insightful to add, but I hope you're taking care of yourself.

spedrunner sorry about your dad that's so tough, but it sounds like you have a lot of other positive stuff going on!

And thank you all so much again for all of your advice and support. I'm so glad I found this board

[phoenixrising]

So I am not a super regular, but I kind of love you guys.

I have been overeating a lot, but I have seen my therapist every week since she has been back, and the ED group starts on Tuesday, so there's that. I also decided this year I would stop just yes-ing my therapist, which means I have spent all my sessions crying. BUT I have been pretty stoic/frozen for the last three years, so that is kind of a welcome relief.

Thinking of all of you who are struggling and celebrating for all of you who are doing well! XO

[btay]

phoenixrising - letting yourself cry is such a cathartic experience, I'm glad you are really starting to take advantage of therapy as a safe place to let it out

[mel]

I haven't posted in awhile but thought that I would update. I'm doing really well. My depression and anxiety has been pretty well controlled with mostly just counseling since September/October. I didn't feel comfortable with my psychiatrist and she never seemed to listen to me and continued to just keep adding diagnoses to my list. I think before I stopped seeing her she had me down as having: bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, ADHD, circadian rhythm disorder from shift work, and something else I don't remember off the top of my head. Anxiety disorder is an absolute issue for me. Depression is an issue for me. The rest? Not really. She had me on 6 (!) different medications that really were not pleasant for me so I ended up stopping them and focusing on counseling and that has maintained me for the past several months now.

In other news, my friend's parents were brutally robbed and murdered last week and it has been an incredibly difficult week around here in coping with this tragedy. It has been such a devastating loss to my friend and our community. It has been a real eye-opener for me about personal safety and how to protect yourself from a violent crime and it has really brought up some mixed emotions about self-defense. The biggest thing is that I'm starting to consider getting a handgun. I am a single female that is alone or just with a small child all of the time and I think that I would probably feel better if I had a weapon to protect myself with. It's been an on-going conversation with my family about should I have a gun for several years. It's definitely not a decision to take lightly and I am absolutely on the fence about it.

Other than that, I just determined that 2015 was going to be the year that I focus on me and my personal growth and it's going well. I hope it continues.

[malibu]

mel I liked your post for the first part, but not the second! That's just awful. Holy hell. I hope whoever was responsible for what happened is put away forever.
As far as the first part, it sounds like you're really focusing on yourself, your needs, and feeling better, and that is absolutely fantastic. I am so glad to hear it.

phoenixrising Good for you for choosing to make your therapy sessions more productive. I hope you're able to get some really good help and insight from it making the changes you have.

spedrunner I'm so glad to hear you're in a better place! I am starting to enjoy cooking now a little more. I have found some good healthy recipes that are actually GOOD, I'm hoping to have them in a regular rotation in a meal plan. If I'm eating food I don't like, I cannot stick to a diet. And I wouldn't call feeling like someone will judge you about eating a silly thing. From what I understand, it's common in people who have or are recovering from EDs, but good for you for working on it. As someone who has an ED (self-diagnosing) on the other end - overeating and being very, very overweight now, I do understand the feeling like people will judge my eating habits. I'm sorry about your dad. That's got to be difficult to be around.

lovelovelove Those feelings of "missing" your H are totally normal and totally OK to have. Has he made any decisions or progress on going into recovery or treatment?

[gardengnome]

I love this board. Everyone is tough, but in a non-judgemental way.
I am learning a lot about not only trying to stay sober, but gaining in sight on how the spouse of an addict goes through.

[lovelovelove]

malibu he's continuing to go to AA once a week. He will see his substance abuse counselor at some point in about a month I think. I feel like that isn't enough, but I'm trying to not get involved. I keep getting the feeling from him that this isn't a big deal and "look at me I'm not drinking!". Which is how I'm getting pulled into missing him. I just wish I knew what I was doing.

[mel]

I'm glad to be back. I took some time to spend with my family and my son, then the holidays came, and I've been working a lot. I've been reading off and on though! Definitely focusing on myself.

The suspect of the murders is in jail without bond. The funeral for her parents is Saturday. She is completely overwhelmed by everything that has happened in the past week but she is comforted by and so grateful for all of the love and support she has received from not only our community but nationwide as this became a national news story and her parents became "everybody's mom and dad".

[malibu]

mel Is this the Georgia case, by chance? I've seen a lot of it on the news here in MN while working out at the gym. If so, I was just heartbroken when I saw the most recent update.

[mel]

Yes it is the Georgia case. We are all very heartbroken.

[arch01]

Hugs, mel

DH and I are doing well. We are on our way back from a 5 night cruise, which as incredibly hard on him. We had a fantastic conversation last night, he wanted "just one" drink but we talked about my feelings on it, his feelings on it and how he struggled the entire trip because alcohol was EVERYWHERE. Now, we did a 5 night cruise last year and he didn't drink, but this year was much harder. Last year was a "see, I can do it!" and this year he had been through in-patient.

He is no longer going to AA, he was leaving more depressed than when he walked in. He's tried several meetings and made the determination that online forums and a therapist are more his speed. I know that's not the "preferred" method around here, but he is much more upbeat about staying sober right now (outside of yesterday's conversation). He still stays in contact with his sponsor from AA, they check in weekly, but he's doing what is working for him. He's going to be attacking the underlying issues with his addiction-mainly anxiety and depression.

He is also looking for a new job, his current one is not going well. Lots of micro-managing going on, which is a total 180 from what it was for the past 8 years. New manager is now getting a bit more comfortable with her place in things and the director continues to be an asshole, so there's that.

I'm doing well with everything. My moments of anxiety with "is he drinking?" have lessened and I feel like we're in a good place. It's still a huge adjustment-it's tough finding things that won't trigger DH or bring up memories of our "past" life.

[Deleted]

Jan 29, 2015 8:17:56 GMT -5 phoenixrising said:

So I am not a super regular, but I kind of love you guys.

I have been overeating a lot, but I have seen my therapist every week since she has been back, and the ED group starts on Tuesday, so there's that. I also decided this year I would stop just yes-ing my therapist, which means I have spent all my sessions crying. BUT I have been pretty stoic/frozen for the last three years, so that is kind of a welcome relief.

Thinking of all of you who are struggling and celebrating for all of you who are doing well! XO

Those tears are healing you, phoenixrising.

[Deleted]

mel, I'm so happy you posted. I've been wondering about you often! And I'm terribly sorry about your friend's parents. That was news here in Colorado, as well.

[phoenixrising]

mel, that has been in the news here in PA as well, and I have not been able to stop thinking about them. Such a tragedy. I am so sorry.

[lovelovelove]

mel I'm so sorry about your friend's family

[lovelovelove]

Jan 29, 2015 10:30:20 GMT -5 @evelynrichards said:

Thank you everyone for the support! I was feeling pretty shitty yesterday, but today is already much better. I dragged my butt out of bed and did the elliptical for 30 minutes. Had a nice morning getting the kids off to school. I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm not in charge of my mom, and that it's OK to set boundaries with her.

And DH is going to do what he's going to do. I sometimes wonder if I would be happier without him around, and I really don't think I would. I can't imagine trying to go through all of this on my own. When he was drinking and being a jerk two years ago, I know I would have been happier without him. So I am least glad that he woke up to what a unhelpful jerk he used to be. Maybe he will go back to AA at some point. I hope so, but that's on him.

How do you reconcile that you want to be with him and hoping he helps himself? I'm sure this is different with everyone, but I'd love to get some insight. I'm struggling with how I feel about this in my situation.

[pinkdutchtulips]

malibu .. SO glad to hear that things are looking up !

it looks like my divorce will finalize the end of March. the courts have no issues w/ the custody order per the RO and CPO. just after the holidays, xh's sil texted me asking me if I knew anything about xh's whereabouts realizing that it might be a touchy subject for me. I told her not touchy but sad.

I stopped attending al-anon meetings in Aug when dd started school bc I couldn't make the lunchtime meetings anymore BUT I checked out the Steps to Recovery book from the library. so I'm using it as my go to for the time being. looking back at the last year or so, Al-Anon played a HUGE part in my recovery and that it'll be a lifelong recovery for me.

that said, dd WILL be starting therapy soon unfortunately as there are some lasting emotional issues stemming from xh's substance abuse that are affecting her and starting to interfere w/ my life. I love her dearly but there are some abandonment issues that have recently arisen that make it VERY difficult for her to be left alone w/ anyone other than myself when she's not at school/after school care. she ALWAYS has to be with someone so her independently playing is now a thing of the past and I'm having a HARD time getting anything done bc of it.

[krisandgrace]

I just got a call from my cousins girlfriend, he is drinking again. I told her I would be by in the morning to talk to him, she was on her way to work and said he was passed out on the couch. I have been sober for 19 years and I can't for the life of me remember what to do.

[Deleted]

Jan 30, 2015 15:05:50 GMT -5 krisandgrace said:

I just got a call from my cousins girlfriend, he is drinking again. I told her I would be by in the morning to talk to him, she was on her way to work and said he was passed out on the couch. I have been sober for 19 years and I can't for the life of me remember what to do.

Just tell him your story.  How it was and how you found help.  Keep it simple.  And most of all, let him decide for himself if he's an alcoholic or not. 

You'll do great, I know!  "working with others" in the BB would be a good refresher, too.  Your 19 years was achieved one day at a time.  Good luck krisandgrace!

[flex]

Jan 30, 2015 15:05:50 GMT -5 krisandgrace said:

I just got a call from my cousins girlfriend, he is drinking again. I told her I would be by in the morning to talk to him, she was on her way to work and said he was passed out on the couch. I have been sober for 19 years and I can't for the life of me remember what to do.

Like @courtneyloves said: just tell your story.  Plus, in the Big Book it gives tips to the family of the alcoholic on how to find help for their loved one. 

Does your cousin want to see you?  Or is his GF telling him he has to meet with you?

[krisandgrace]

Jan 30, 2015 17:09:18 GMT -5 flex said:

Jan 30, 2015 15:05:50 GMT -5 krisandgrace said:

I just got a call from my cousins girlfriend, he is drinking again. I told her I would be by in the morning to talk to him, she was on her way to work and said he was passed out on the couch. I have been sober for 19 years and I can't for the life of me remember what to do.

Like @courtneyloves said: just tell your story.  Plus, in the Big Book it gives tips to the family of the alcoholic on how to find help for their loved one. 

Does your cousin want to see you?  Or is his GF telling him he has to meet with you?

He originally got sober two years ago and at that time I did tell him my story and invited to go to a meeting with me. Once I got him set up with a sponcer I let him take it from there. A couple of months ago he adtmitted he had been drinking again and went into a 30 day program and a month of out patient. He seemed to be doing great so this is really disappointing.

His grandmother who raised him/ my aunt is in the last week or so of the final stages of cancer. We are a small close family so this has been a hard time for all of us. I talked to my sponsor tonight and she advised to to offer support and recommend Al-Anon to his girlfriend but there was very little I could do for him unless he asked for help. I love the AA community but man I hate this disease.